Interested... but doesn't want commitment

[Striker17]

Okay, this is actually about one of my best friends (We'll call him Nate). We're both stuck on the issue, so I'm calling out to the internet for some help.

 

Basically, there was this girl (We'll call her Jess), a friend of a friend, who he met at a bar. They talked the whole night, and apparently she became a little fond of him. On the other hand, he was very drunk, and apparently doesn't even remember talking to her that night.

 

A few weeks later, we all went on a ski trip. There was the inevitable drunk hookup. They didn't actually get very far, second base, I believe, but that was mostly because all the beds were in one giant room. So not much privacy.

 

Anyway, she really likes him, and he likes her too. The only thing is that she's a bit clingy, and she's probably looking for a more serious relationship, while my friend isn't looking for anything beyond something casual. He wouldn't mind dating her, but he's been in a few long-term relationships, and he wants to take a break from them for a while.

 

He knows that if he starts dating her, things are going to get serious, and then he'll have to break it up, and he'll make her feel even worse. On the other hand, he doesn't know how to say "no" to her without making her feel that she was just a drunken hookup. On top of it, if he tells her that he's just looking for something casual, she'll probably agree to it, but deep down, she won't find it enough, and it'll end in heartbreak.

 

I'm good friends with Jess' best friend, and she doesn't even know what to do. She's the only real window between Jess and Nate, so it's pretty easy to keep them from running into each other, so it won't be too awkward. But it still seems a shame that they can't go back to being friends.

 

We've concluded that the situation is going to have to end with some amount of disappointment, we just need help trying to figure out how to minimize it.

[waveseer]

Why are you all up in your friend's business. Isn't it his life to live?

[Striker17]

Why are you all up in your friend's business. Isn't it his life to live?

LOL, if everyone was supposed to keep this kind of stuff to themselves, then what's the point of eNotAlone?

[waveseer]

LOL, if everyone was supposed to keep this kind of stuff to themselves, then what's the point of eNotAlone?

 

To get help solving our own dilemmas, not help meddling in other people's.

[Striker17]

My friend asked me for advice. He wouldn't tell me all this just for jollies. I can't answer his question, so I'm turning to other people. I'm not invading his personal life, I was invited.

 

If he posted the message himself, would it have really made a difference?

[waveseer]

If he doesn't want the same thing she does, why doesn't he just stay away from her?

[Striker17]

Because he doesn't want to hurt her any more than absolutely necessary. And avoidance might not be the best solution. Did you even read what I wrote? I'm asking for suggestions. Just because they don't want the same thing, doesn't mean he should necessarily just ignore her.

[Cognitive_Canine]

He should tell her NOW that he doesn't want anything serious.

 

She's a big girl, she can take away from that what she wants (whether she is okay with non-serious or walks away).

 

However, he has to be crystal clear with her that he doesn't want anything serious and she shouldn't hope it progresses.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Because he doesn't want to hurt her any more than absolutely necessary. And avoidance might not be the best solution. Did you even read what I wrote? I'm asking for suggestions. Just because they don't want the same thing, doesn't mean he should necessarily just ignore her.

 

Hurting her more would be getting into a serious relationship now when that's not what you want. He'll end up breaking up with her when she's REALLY tied to him.

 

That's what'll hurt the most.

[waveseer]

Because he doesn't want to hurt her any more than absolutely necessary. And avoidance might not be the best solution. Did you even read what I wrote? I'm asking for suggestions. Just because they don't want the same thing, doesn't mean he should necessarily just ignore her.

 

Really? I meant stay away as in physically out of her three foot personal space. They can be the best of friends but the minute he crosses the line the message he's sending is, "I care more about getting my jollies than I do about hurting your feelings."

 

He could choose to be an adult about it and leave her free to find the type of relationship she'd prefer instead.

[ghost69]

To get help solving our own dilemmas, not help meddling in other people's.

 

while it is mostly for self-help, he wants to help someone out. so he wants to help a close friend. sheesh. lol

 

 

 

OP, he needs to just flat out tell her he isn't looking for anything serious as in GF and that he's just having fun. if she still agrees to hang out with him that's her own dam fault. she will hurt her own feelings, not his fault.