Rdub Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 Ive been dating this girl for about 2 months now, and I recently borught up the discussion about where the "relationship" was going. She told me she wasnt sure and just wanted too see what happens. I think me asking that, and maybe coming on a little too strong perhaps really freaked her out because she became really distant since. She has since told me about her past and how she has been in soo many relationships where she was beaten, emotionally and physically, tried to be controlled etc ... and how she was in councelling for 2 years because of it. Things are really not going well and because I really like this girl I think that I've pushed her even further away by trying too explain too her that Im not like those other guys that did that too her. Im honestly the nicest guy. I think that I could be really good for her but I honestly dont know what to do. She said shes needs time too think about everything becasue she saw something in me that she didnt like (oviously the controlling and pushing, which was in my opinion taken out of context). What should I do... forget about her .. let her come too me or what? Im really struggling here. Right now Im gonna give her her space and not contact ehr and wait for her to contact me but I think that theres a good chance she wont. Seems like shes making excuses too run,, because shes not over her past and is making me out to be somehting im not. Please give your input I could really use it right now. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 you already said it. give her her space. tell her she can contact you when she is ready. leave it be. keep your options open though and meet other girls. Link to comment
EQD Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 ever considered that maybe she is the type of person to seek abusive partners? i know you said she was backing off because of whatever it was you did, but generally speaking she could still have big issues with relationships and her self esteem. try to remember 'you can't save them all' Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 It seems like you're doing all you can right now. I agree with "letting her come to you", since she's knows how you feel. I would also let her know that you're there for her, but you can't wait forever. Hope it works out for you...Take care. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 ever considered that maybe she is the type of person to seek abusive partners? i know you said she was backing off because of whatever it was you did, but generally speaking she could still have big issues with relationships and her self esteem. try to remember 'you can't save them all' Yeah, I agree. I think you should let this one go. It may not be anything you did...she is just trying to find an excuse to bail and it is easier to blame you than herself. Who knows...maybe all these "abusive" relationships she was in may not be true...maybe she is the one with the issues. There are lots of people who have a string of relationships where they say each and every person cheated on them...yet in the end, they cheat on the new partner...which likely means it was them, not the other person who cheated. Link to comment
Rdub Posted January 14, 2009 Author Share Posted January 14, 2009 EQUESTRIANDYNAMO ya i did consider that, and that may very well be true. Pretty sad if that is the case though. Hard too understand how some girls just dont learn, and continually make the same mistakes. Dont see a good thing when its right in front of them. However when I met her she had a boyfriend, and ended up leaving him cause she had met me. Thats why Im not 100% sure if thats the case. He ex doesnt seem like he was too bad too her either. Link to comment
My Advice Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 give her some space and be careful. She might be attracted to these types of men and get bored with you within the next eight months. Link to comment
DN Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 She left this guy because she met you and now you are coming on too strong? That makes no sense to me at all. She was attracted enough to dump him but not enough to have any idea where the relationship was going? I would be careful with this woman - she seems too problematical to be in a relationship. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 [quote However when I met her she had a boyfriend, and ended up leaving him cause she had met me. Thats why Im not 100% sure if thats the case. He ex doesnt seem like he was too bad too her either. I think that's where the confusion lies. She left him for you, so keep in mind that history does tend to repeat itself.... Link to comment
EQD Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 ^agreed be very very careful with this girl. she doesnt sound stable. Link to comment
Rdub Posted January 14, 2009 Author Share Posted January 14, 2009 Im not sure if she completely left him for me though. I think that she thinks though that Im gonna try too control her and end up being like one of those other guys she was with before. She staright up told me she saw somethign in me that she didnt like (pushing for a relationship Im guessing). Link to comment
volpe Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 Im not sure if she completely left him for me though. I think that she thinks though that Im gonna try too control her and end up being like one of those other guys she was with before. She staright up told me she saw somethign in me that she didnt like (pushing for a relationship Im guessing). Don't let that one go... if she makes a statement like that, you should know why! You shouldn't be guessing that! Link to comment
Rdub Posted January 14, 2009 Author Share Posted January 14, 2009 Don't let that one go... if she makes a statement like that, you should know why! You shouldn't be guessing that! Don't quite know what you mean exactly.... Link to comment
Seymore Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 I dated two girls with abusive pasts. Both were nightmares. They're not all nightmares, but the ones I've dated were. Be careful. Link to comment
My Advice Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 You can't be her knight in shiny armor, rushing to her rescue. It doesn't work out to well in reality. Give her space and let her take it from there. She could have a dependency on abusive relationships and might be still reeling from it so it may not work out with you. She wouldn't know how to handle a normal guy like you, this is all strange to her. forsaken, excellently put. Link to comment
My Advice Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 Im not sure if she completely left him for me though. I think that she thinks though that Im gonna try too control her and end up being like one of those other guys she was with before. She staright up told me she saw somethign in me that she didnt like (pushing for a relationship Im guessing). It sounds to me like she will project her past crappy relationships onto anything you do. Trust me, this girl is waving red flags. Be careful and if she dumps you, don't take it personally. It means you might have been doing something right. Link to comment
HellFrost666 Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 I know exactly how you feel. My girlfriend was abused in the passed and in the beginning she was very cautious with me. The best thing for you to do is always be aware of her comfort level. It sounds like you are doing all you can do. Good luck. Link to comment
jstaman Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 This kind of hits me close to home. In college I met a girl in a class I took and we were partnered up to do group together. She was very smart, attractive and easy to get along with. We began dating and got along very well. One night we were at my house watching a movie and started kissing and light "Petting" and she freaked out got up and walked out the door crying. Long story short. She had been raped 5 years previous and hadnt told me about it. I talked to her about our relationship (NEVER mentioned the rape, the past is the past), got her to start coming over to my place again to hang out, watch movies, do homework ETC. We kissed on occasion but never anything real heavy, I would hold her when we watched movies stuff like that. After a while she began to I guess you could say "trust" me and began to get more intimate. I know the situations are a bit different but when you think about it they are similar. Just give her time, some people don't rebound from traumatic events like that easily and just need to figure out for themselves that they can trust you, and become more comfortable with you. Hope this helps Link to comment
Rdub Posted January 14, 2009 Author Share Posted January 14, 2009 It honestly has too come down to a trust issue. I guess what im doing is fine. Ill just let her go, let her have her time to herself and if she comes back she comes back. I really think she wont though. But I think Im ok with that. I really like her but id rather have someone whos going too want too be with me and see me for what I am. Thanks everyone you've really helped me out. Feel a lot better about the whole situation. One more question though should I tell her that Im gonan give her her space and she can call me if she ever wants too try this, or should I leave it alone and just let her figure out thats whaats going on? Shes not really initiating talking wiht me at all right now herself. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 The only thing I'd add to what others have said about giving her space, and that you're generally doing the right thing, is that some people have difficulty leaving a relationship (especially if it's a long term one) without hopping onto someone else almost as a 'halfway house' before they can cope with being on their own. The person they latch on to will be acting in good faith, responding to the fact that their new partner was very keen at the beginning - but the moment they start acting like it's a relationship - off they go! I hope this isn't the case for you - but I would bear it in mind. Link to comment
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