tru8lue Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 Hello. My gf is currently working on some emotional/insecurity issues as well as debt management/financial irresponsibility. When both of the issues arose, I explained that I wasn't cool with it, etc. Both times she immediately took action to do therapy as well as see a financial advisor. I never asked her to do it, only suggested it. She knows that I can't be in a long term relationship with her if these issues do not get resolved. The fact is that she would never be fixing any of these things if I wasn't in her life. She has admitted that she has been in denial for years. I don't want to feel like i'm trying to change her and I don't want her to change if it's not for her. She has been enthusiastic about taking action on both of these issues. Someone mentioned in response to one of my other posts that it's not love if I don't accept them as they are. I feel that I love her, although I can't be with her long term unless there is change regarding these issues. I am confused. Any opinions? How do I know if i'm helping v.s. trying to change them? Is it bad to try to help change them if the issues are deal breakers with me? I'm looking for a long term relationship, but I'm not looking to get married for another 2-3 years. She is in the same boat. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 how long together? you have dealbreakers and are going to stick them out? sometimes it takes someone who we know cares to push us enough. everybody can't do things on their own. Link to comment
DN Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 There is a difference in trying to change someone who is unwilling and helping someone to change who wants to change for their own benefit. You get to choose if you want to be with someone who does things you can't accept in a partner - they get to choose if they want to change. So long as they are doing for themselves and not for you - that's fine. Link to comment
tru8lue Posted January 14, 2009 Author Share Posted January 14, 2009 These are both deal breakers long term. Everything else about her is amazing. We get along, her personality compliments mine, we have fun doing everything and anything together. We both have the same interests and are pretty easy going with each other. I am in no rush to get married. I love her enough to work on these things with her and give her encouragement. She has recognized that she doesn't like her current situation regarding both of the issues. I don't feel like I need to break up with her and date other people. As a matter of fact, I wasn't planning on dating anyone prior to meeting her. We just crossed paths and it kind of happened. So I don't feel like i'm wasting my time or anything. It's a plus that I have her in my life right now. I just don't want to feel like she's changing for me. Is suggesting things and helping her considered trying to change her? Is this bad? Link to comment
purpleduckie Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 why is change so bad anyway? some people just bring out the best in me and makes me want to change. i don't see what's so bad about wanting someone to let go of a bad habit. i think that you make her want to change and that's not a bad thing at all. she wants to be more responsible in terms of financial management, but probably can't do it without your encouragement. there's a difference between getting rid of a bad habit and changing someone in a controlling way (i.e. what food should she eat/like) Link to comment
tru8lue Posted January 14, 2009 Author Share Posted January 14, 2009 how long together? you have dealbreakers and are going to stick them out? sometimes it takes someone who we know cares to push us enough. everybody can't do things on their own. We have been dating 5 months. Link to comment
LadyBrandon Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 5 months and you already have demands on her. Geeeeze. Link to comment
shikashika Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 I'm a little confused... it sound to be like she is being proactive in trying to change her 'faults'. Shouldn't that be a good thing? I agree with another poster who said that it seems a little early to be putting demands on someone. I agree that you shouldn't drag it out for longer if the person isn't what you want. it seems like you are thinking too much about if it's you. I dated a guy like that once, anytime i thought about doing something or going somewhere, he thought it was all because of him. He was a bit too into himself to think that everything i did was for him! Link to comment
tru8lue Posted January 14, 2009 Author Share Posted January 14, 2009 5 months and you already have demands on her. Geeeeze. You are mistaken. I have never demanded anything from her. Also, why waste anyones time if you are incompatible? Link to comment
tru8lue Posted January 14, 2009 Author Share Posted January 14, 2009 I think it is great if she did not like something about herself and decided to change it. If she did not want to change she would not bother. How do you know she would not have done it had you not mentioned it? Just give her the encouragement she needs. She verbally told me when I asked her. She told me she was in denial. If someone is in denial and thinks that there is nothing wrong, they are never going to change it. Sometimes it takes some outside force to bring out the issues. Link to comment
tru8lue Posted January 14, 2009 Author Share Posted January 14, 2009 I'm a little confused... it sound to be like she is being proactive in trying to change her 'faults'. Shouldn't that be a good thing? I agree with another poster who said that it seems a little early to be putting demands on someone. I agree that you shouldn't drag it out for longer if the person isn't what you want. it seems like you are thinking too much about if it's you. I dated a guy like that once, anytime i thought about doing something or going somewhere, he thought it was all because of him. He was a bit too into himself to think that everything i did was for him! I am not putting any demands on her. Where are people getting this from? I mentioned all these things to her prior to us even getting together. I would never have gotten with her if I knew she was this way. She either was in denial of having these issues or she just didn't want to tell me. I am now in love with her after 5 months and these deal breakers have creeped up. It's either help her out with the issues or leave. I choose to help her, but I don't want to feel like i'm making her change. I don't feel like i'm making her change, but I may be wrong. I just had a talk with her and she mentioned that she is doing these things for herself as well as the relationship. Link to comment
HighRoad Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 I kind of agree with the OP about the whole 'change for people who really want it' theory. It's like when people who drink decide to stop drinking. I can support them in their decision to do that, but they did it for themselves. I think that we can support someone as they decide to make important changes in their perceptions or behavior. Often, by being in a new and loving relationship we are now free to relax and let old feelings come up. That is when we can decide to sort them out and learn from them - like his girlfriend seems to be doing. In my experience with partners, I try and allow them the space to work out their feelings and make adjustments in their thinking or behavior - in their own time and way. I support them while they do it. I have some dealbreaker things, we all do. If someone chooses to change because of what has come up in our relationship then that is a good thing. I often feel motivated to do the same thing and I want my partner to also support me as I change and grow. This is different to me, from saying 'you must do this or else.' That would be terrible. Link to comment
ComputerGuy Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 My girlfriend is (was) very financially irresponsible when we first met. She comes from a family with two working parents who own their own home and bring in a fair whack of money a week (Enough so that they can do whatever they want on a whim). I on the other hand, come from a single mum who never earned much and I myself don't earn much and have learned to budget and stretch my dollar as far as possible. When she moved in one of the biggest adjustments was money spending, I spent a LOT of time telling her no to all these things she kept insisting on getting. It wasn't a demand thing so much as a "We really cant afford this" thing. It got frustrating after a while and being the one to say no all the time leaves you feeling like a badguy. I sat her down and explained things to her and the differences between her family and our situation and showed her on paper how it worked out (She's less than fantastic at maths so it helped her to be shown) and ever since she has been alot more responsible. There are some things that are changing a person, like trying to ask me to stop "wasting my time on computer games", I dont play them non stop but its a part of who I am as a computer geek and I wont change that. Things like money responsibilities are stuff that everyone needs to learn and adjust to at some point and sometimes just simply explaining your perspective and showing the advantages (which while obvious to you aren't necessarily obvious to her) is all that it takes. Link to comment
Maya_A Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 If you have deal-breakers that is fine - it is what it is... If she knows them, knows she does them & wants to change because she genuinely finds them destructive to her own life - awesome... That said, I think it would be nice if you made her aware that you are also working on some of your own issues (we allll have them) so that you can bring your best self forth within the relationship as well.... That being the case in what happens of course. The energy & attitude that you convey around this to her can dictate an air of helping (both of you/your relationship) versus "attempting to change only her".... Also important is to know how to step back and allow her to find her own way & path to this change... In other words, her best way for her... Link to comment
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