I'm so confused - do you have advice?

[So VeryConfused]

My g/f and I had been together for 4 years and while there were problems during that time the relationship really was the most valuable thing in my life.

I made terrible mistakes by neglecting her for my work and even though I've always loved her deeply.

She would stike out verbally to get back at me and we'd end up in the inevitable arguments.

I'd been under enormous pressure at work for the past 3 months and was trying to work through the situation so we could start with a clean slate and do the things we both wanted (get married, buy a house, have kids, etc).

Well, she'd obviously finally had enough, she cut off emotionally (at the time I thought it was ok because I could focus more on resolving the work stuff) and I found out just before Valentines that she'd met a new guy and dated him a couple of times.

She's moving out though says she wants to remain friends.

I've apologised for my mistakes and told her that I love her. She says she still loves me though thinks she has to move on (She says it's not him - and I believe that because I know she would have started dating to boost her ego).

My problem is this - I know what I've done wrong and genuinely want to reform that part of my life. I love her deeply and feel like we've invested a lot over the past 4 years.

Ideally, we'd live apart for a while till she builds confidence in my intentions... we'd see eachother and the decide if there's a path forward.

Am I being illogical? Should I persue a resolution? Am I just prolonging the pain by not letting go.

I'd really appreciate your advice.

[raggamuffin]

In these cases its hard to say what to do. However if you feel that you want to go through all of the stuff you have to go through to rebuild your relationship and that she is willing and there maybe the chance that it will be on track again then go for it. But if she tells you that there is no use in waiting around for her to be in your life in a more than friends way you have to face the pain. Find out what she intends to do with your relationship. If its to be friends with you forever or potentially get back together.

[mahlina]

I think that you're going through the bargaining stage of the "Grieving Process." I said this lots of times, but Enotalone's got a nice article on the grieving process that "logically" explains the emotions that one goes through after a break up.

 

The bargaining stage is when you look for other altnernatives to wish/bring that person back into your life. Sorry to hear about the situation, my heart bleeds for those who are broken off from long-term relationships. I know how it feels. Sometimes when I think about my 3 yr. relationship, I still cry, even with the slightest thought. It's tough right? It's been 2 years since our breakup, and I've moved on. It's like the Footprints poem, "Once someone walks into your life, you are NEVER the same." I think that you're carrying strong though. Later on, you'll reflect back onto your relationship, and realize that the gifts of sorrow only brings you strength and wisdom.

 

The most important thing is to make the 'no contact' rule primary. Although lots of people try to make attempts to the "No Contact" rule, it usually is hard to work at. Sometimes you have to make the same mistake twice before you learn that the "No Contact' rule is what ultimately helps you to move on.

 

Personally, I think that you can invest all of emotions into your ex, but it's really time to just move on, b/c there's lots of other people out there. You're still attached to her, and by keeping contact, you're reminded by the pain. So, just read through the article so that you will find "logic" to your pain. I like to make sense of things, so it brings a balance as to what I'm going through.

 

Truly though, dating a like a "weeding out" process. If it didn't work out to begin with, then there is an important reason behind it. Maybe the chemistry was not completely there, but for whatever reason, it didn't work out. It's just not in the cards. You'll find a better day soon. Just take the healing process one step at a time, and you've got enotalone for advice and support!

 

Take care!

[So VeryConfused]

Thank you both for your advice. It's helped a lot.

 

I spoke with a friend about it yesterday too but still have mixed feelings.

 

I've still got this nagging feeling that I should try to resolve it because I do love her and we have this great chemistry that just ignites so brightly when things are going well.

 

On the other hand, I feel like I deserve... ummm.. if not more maybe something different.

 

She's away now for another 5 days until she comes back to pack up her stuff. I think I'll just let it go and if something changes in the near future then we can think about it then.

 

I'm not going to wait - I've been ready to do what I most desire for about 2 years (That's settle down, get married, kids, beach house etc) but never did because I had doubts about parts of the relationship.

 

My last big breakup I spent 12 months drinking, fighting and being promiscuous - this time I'm taking a different road.

 

I went out last night, drank moderately didn't even try to "pick-up" and had a great time. (Well OK, I got one phone number but I think that I was just wanting to feel accepted again)

 

It still hurts, and I'm having a little cry while I write this, but life is complex, yeah?

 

I really want to thank you both for your advice. It has given me some perspective and is really appreciated.

[raggamuffin]

Its good to see that you have learnt from your past break up what not to do. Its very very natural to cry and you will have good days and bad days. Sometimes you will feel on top of the world like letting go is the best thing that you have ever done and other days you will feel like jumping in front of a train. Taking a phone number is a good step maybe you should call the girl and just have a coffee. Nothing hardcore yet but its always nice to make new friends and maybe one day it could turn into something else (even though thats not what you are thinking about now) or maybe in a few months you might meet some of her friends and one of them maybe just what you are looking for. I wish you all the success and happiness that you surely deserve. If there is anything else remember we are always here. R.

[So VeryConfused]

Geez - I'm really surprised at this site and the people that are n here.

 

It's wonderful to know that there is a place like this that people can go to when they need advice or just to be heard.

 

Thank you again - and all the best!