Being Friends with the Ex

[elizabeth2008]

I am fairly good friends with one of my exes. On average, I see him 2-3x per month. We usually just hang out watching a movie, playing video games, eating dinner, etc. My current partner has no problem with this, for the record. He says he trusts me. As far as I'm aware, I am the only one having a problem.

 

The problem is that I still feel an attraction to my ex. I care deeply about him and his well being. He was the one who dumped me eight months ago. I don't want him back at this point in my life, because I have a great boyfriend. I haven't cheated, and I don't plan to. IF at some point down the road, I became single again, I might consider being with the ex again. But, not now.

 

I guess I just feel guilty about my feelings. For example, I try not to look into my exes eyes too much sometimes, because they are a large part of what makes me feel attracted to him physically. I DON'T want to put myself into a situation where I am emotionally cheating by pining away for him too much or anything.

 

What do you do about lingering attraction/lingering romantic feelings that continue to persist while trying to be friends with the ex? Have any of you been in a similar situation? Should I create more distance between the two of us, or just accept within myself that I have those feelings? I wish I could let go of those romantic thoughts, because if I could, I would be able to enjoy his friendship so much more. Thanks!

[DN]

I think that for the sake of your current relationship you need to curtail these visits with your ex unless and until those feelings have gone.

[elizabeth2008]

But what if they never leave? I'll be letting go of what could have been a nice friendship. Isn't it normal to be attracted to others while in a relationship?

[Seymore]

And this is why you can rarely be friends with your ex. This isn't fair at all to your current partner. You need to cut one loose, in my opinion - preferably the ex, because if those feelings DON'T go away, not only will you jeopardize your current relationship, but subsequent ones as well.

[Ac143]

Sure you can and Im sure many people are attracted to other people while in a relationship but they dont hang out alone 2-3 times a month.

 

I think you need to stop hanging out with the ex until you dont have any feelings left for him. Its one thing to be attracted to someone and another if you are hanging out alone & still have some feelings lingering.

[elizabeth2008]

I'd prefer to hang out with him in a group, but we have no mutual friends.

[DN]

If your boyfriend posted a similar thread as this one and you happened to see it - how would that make you feel about your boyfriend and his commitment to you?

[elizabeth2008]

I think I would understand, but not like it. I would feel sad that his romantic feelings were not reserved just for me. I would probably feel jealous of the time they spend together.

 

So, if I were to cut the ex out of my life, how would I do that? We're such good friends that I'd feel like a big jerk giving him no reason for cutting him off.

[DN]

I said curtail not cut out. Instead of two or three times a month say once every two months or a month. Give you time between visits to concentrate your romantic energies on your boyfriend and let those feelings for the ex fade.

[charity]

IF at some point down the road, I became single again, I might consider being with the ex again. But, not now.

 

 

this sounds like you are keeping your options open. thats really not respectful towards your current bf. a ''friend'' is not someone who you have to avoid looking in their eyes because you are so attracted to them!!! come on now... you're kidding yourself by telling yourself that you could lose out on a great friendship, your just trying to keep him in the picture in case you and bf break up sometime.

[charity]

IF at some point down the road, I became single again, I might consider being with the ex again. But, not now.

 

 

this sounds like you are keeping your options open. thats really not respectful towards your current bf. a ''friend'' is not someone who you have to avoid looking in their eyes because you are so attracted to them!!! come on now... you're kidding yourself by telling yourself that you could lose out on a great friendship, your just trying to keep him in the picture in case you and bf break up sometime.

[Samedy]

I'm friends with some of my ex's. Others I am not. I will admit, that sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if things went further with one particular ex. Then I remember, we are ex's for a reason and although our friendship seem to work great, things weren't as successful in a relationship.

[renaissancewoman101]

Be happy you can be friends with your ex. Not everybody can, even those who want to be. I am best friends with my first ex and we spend a lot of time together and talk daily. My ex was ok with the relationship at first, but got weirded out by it later (mainly because my first ex didn't really like him).

 

If I could, I would LOVE to be friends with one of the guys I dated briefly. He was a very positive influence in my life and I miss his company and his friendship (even though he was the one who decided that a relationship wasn't in the cards). We did try the friendship out but things got weird, I think, and he decided against it.

 

I do hope down the road, we can reconnect as friends.

 

But, that's me.

[Seymore]

Be happy you can be friends with your ex.

 

That's the thing - it doesn't sound like she can be. Judging by the fact that HE broke it off, it sounds like she's got trouble letting go of him.

 

If she didn't have these romantic feelings for him, I wouldn't be commenting, but let's look at what she's getting from the ex - all the things from a relationship except the romance. And she desires the romance. Sounds to me like she's not over him and just doesn't want to admit it to herself. I agree with Charity - it sounds like she's keeping her options open.

 

And this is the most telling part:

The problem is that I still feel an attraction to my ex. I care deeply about him and his well being. He was the one who dumped me eight months ago. I don't want him back at this point in my life, because I have a great boyfriend. I haven't cheated, and I don't plan to. IF at some point down the road, I became single again, I might consider being with the ex again. But, not now

 

You don't want him back, but you'd take him back if it was convenient for you and you became single. I don't mean to come down too hard, but I feel terrible for your current boyfriend. I doubt you'd be happy if your current bf was pining over his ex and saying "Maybe if I become single again, I'll go after her", all the while hanging out with her 2-3 times a month.

[tangi39]

I think you have to distance yourself more from your ex until these feelings subside. Until then, don't hang out alone at all- This is only going to make it easier for you to harbour those feelings while reading something into every look, gesture and comment. If your feelings do finally go away, I think you should still be careful and only hang out with him in groups or public places.

If you cannot get over him romantically and you want to remain with your current bf, then you need to cease all contact.

 

It's great when we can get along with exes and be platonic friends, but sometimes if we don't think it's possible we lose them. It's sad, but that's why breakups can be hard, you lose the person as a friend as well as a lover sometimes.

[elizabeth2008]

I just wanted to thank you all for your replies. I agree that there is a big part of me that wants to keep the ex on the back burner in case the current relationship falls through. For this reason, I'm going to make an effort to hang out with him less often.