Is it normal?

[lhr]

So since my gf turned 20 last week, she's been acting differently towards me. She's grown colder and harsh, sometimes making cheeky comments to me or about my personality and trying to de-value me in front of her friends.

 

This prompted me to ask her questions about what was going on, and she would simply respond with "nothing's wrong". I kept probing her to talk about it, until she quickly and suddenly "lost it", started crying and getting aggressive and violent. I backed off and decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. But the itch in my mind won't go away. I tried to be honest and open about our relationship, but she's never been much for talking.

 

She's been going to the house of this friend from high school a lot lately, and although she doesn't hide it from me, I can sense something's not right. She's way more vigilant over her celphone than she ever was, and she'll delete her Sent Txt msgs now.

 

Sometimes she'll have her guy friends over when I'm there, and she'll be in a great mood, very talkative, wanting to get drunk and have a good time. But if it's just me and her, and I come in with the same high energy wanting to have a good time with her, she'll just say she's "not in the mood" for drinking or whatever.

 

She says there's nothing wrong, and that I'm way too insecure. Well, I can feel she doesn't look at me the way she used to. She apparently continues wanting to see me and spend time with me, and she'll give me some attention, but she doesn't act attracted towards me the way she used to. It's like we both know something's off, but she's been keeping a poker face about it. Why is she doing this?

 

I don't wanna sit around here making an effort to see her and wasting my time and money, while she's checking out to see how green the grass is on the other side. When I ask her if there's something going on, she just denies it, turns her back and doesn't say another word. Is that odd? Should she be making a bigger effort to shed any doubts in my mind, if she actually wasn't doing anything? Or is this normal? Is she just waiting to see what happens with this guy before she dumps me?

 

If she won't come out and say it but continues wanting to see me, how should I act from here on? Bringing it up doesn't seem to be an option. Is it even possible to get her focused on me again? Will the worms in my head eat away at my brain until there's nothing left?

 

Thanks in advance for all the advice.

[natalie121687]

shes young. shes twenty. she wants to experience life. she wants to break up but doesnt want to hurt you. i say you guys are better off as just friends..........

[huskiesfan]

Mmhmm. Sounds like she's already disengaged herself from your relationship.

 

The red flags to me are

 

-She's going over to her friends house a lot

 

-She's getting extremely distant from you

 

-When you ask her whats wrong, she either gets angry or outright ignores it. She's purposely not communicating, and something is causing that.

 

I think you need to take some of the initiative back from her and ask her frankly if she's seeing another guy. I know bringing it up might not seem like the best option, but its better to know now then to agonize yourself waiting, or get the good ol' "Im dumping you for so and so" knockout punch.

[rokston]

what you describe are typical signs of someone getting colded and considering ending a relationship. so this could well be the case and i'd back off her and see how she responds. by that i mean - dont chase the relationship and always question her - it will just make you seem like an insecure guy. just try to have fun together and reduce the pressure. but equally dont be afraid to walk away from the relationship if you dont feel happy in it!!

 

one thing that struck me though is that you said "since she turned 20 last week" ... if this has been going on for 1 week, perhaps you're jumping the gun a little and acting a bit insecure??!?!?

[leo73]

Sorry to hear this "lhr". My ex did exactly the same thing when she decided it was over between us. She brought her male friend over and we would hang out like a big group of friends while making fun of me and being waaay too attentive to the other guy. She wanted me and this other guy to be friends to somehow reduce her own guilt. (Not sure how that works). It also gave her a great excuse to hang out with him when I wasn't around because to the outside world it would just look like friends hanging out, and how could that be wrong?

 

I say confront this issue head on. If she is confused about the whole thing then just walk away. She's going to have to figure it out on her own.

 

Sorry, man. I hope I'm wrong about this whole thing but it just sounds so familiar.

[lhr]

Okay, so I've taken some of the advice and have backed off from chasing her and asking questions. It has worked to an extent. It SEEMS like our relationship is a little more stable and less shaky than it was last week at the peak of the whole issue, but at the same time it's hard to tell if she is just being a little more pleasant towards me to keep me around while she doesn't have the other guy reeled in.

 

The thing is I drive 1 hour to her place every weekend to spend time with her, and I feel it's a huge comfort thing that she enjoys and doesn't wanna loose that company just yet. But when it comes to attraction, it seems like there isn't much left from her end. With rare exceptions, the way she looks at me now is a fine mixture of quiet annoyance and indifference. Does anyone else know this feeling?

 

This makes it harder to deal with the issue head on, cause if I get phased or emotional it will just give her more fuel to hate on me. So for now I'll act as if nothing's wrong and try to give her some space. But how can I rebuild attraction again? Cause it feels like she has all the power now, like she knows it too and doesn't care....

[rokston]

You need to focus on you. That will both make you feel better and possibly rebuild some attraction. Just dont respond to her every whim. Spend time with your friends, do things you enjoy and don't always run your life in order to accommodate her situation. That is the only thing to put the power back in your own hands, it's your life and it's in your hands to make yourself happy. It sounds corny but it's actually true, she can't be responsible for that.

[lhr]

She's been going to the house of this friend from high school a lot lately, and although she doesn't hide it from me, I can sense something's not right.

 

I spent the weekend with her again, and this time when she said she was going to her friend's house to get pot I said I'd come with her. She became really angry and upset by that, and gave me several lame excuses not to come. I asked her why she was making a big deal about me accompanying her as I'm her bf, and she of course had nothing to say to that. So I grabbed her by the hand and walked her to the guy's house. She furiously protested the whole way there. Then she went into his house and a minute later she was back. Much better than the usual half an hour she spends there when Im waiting at her house. The guy has been txting her often recently, inviting her to come over smoke pot and even get drunk.

 

She will go there and won't tell me anything about it. For example, she'll come home after school, call me on the phone and talk for about 5 minutes, then she'll say she's gonna eat dinner, but when I call her house later, her family tells me she went over to this guy's house. And she never mentions any of it. If i ever bring up questions about it, she simply denies there's anything going on.

 

Is it okay for this guy to be such a distraction to our relationship? Or Am I just a crazy/jealous boyfriend? She's been spending many hours with him at his house several days a week. She says it's just because he grows his own pot and smokes it with her. Do I have a right to be upset or am I to just take her word for it? And HONESTLY, is a guy gonna be calling a girl over all the time and smoking her his weed if he just intends to be friends?

[rokston]

Well it probably isn't ok for her to be bahaving like this and putting another person between you... especially since she knows that you're not ok with it and she consistently rubs it in your face.

 

At the same time marching her to his house isn't ok either. You're really not doing yourself any favours with that kind of behavior. It just makes you appear like the crazy jealous boyfriend even if you have reasons to feel that way.

 

I think you should back off. If she behaves in a way that makes you jealous or you feel is anappropriate then tell her. But leave her to make her own decisions about whether to stop it. You can only define your own boundaries of what you'll put up with and stick to them. She has to do the same on her own. Being her guard and being defensive over the situation will only backfire on you. Both of you have to want it to work out, not just you...

[Rabican]

Dude, just dump her.

 

Do you really want to be the boyfriend of the girl whos going and getting drunk and doing drugs at another guys house? Do you really think her pants are staying on during those days? Doubt it. And even if she isnt really cheating, shes showing you no attention, and no thought towards your feelings. Thats the level of commitment you can only expect from a 20 year old... which she is proving herself to be.