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Who do I really have to blame?


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Absolutely!! The circumstances you find yourself in as a child you may not have chosen but when you have the power of choice when you're older are certainly your responsibility (as well as the slant you choose to take on your childhood) - it takes courage to face those choices and isn't to be taken lightly and is nothing to do with blame.

Everyone's definition of 'a winner' will vary depending on what you want out of life, and there are certainly many things that you can do to take you there - it's all about your perspective!!!

Keep the faith kids...!

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I was fairly bad at finding people to until I read one, small piece of advice:


Be Unique.


If you're like everyone else, that means you're competing against them. Have some quality that isn't the same. Someone will have a fetish for it, and go crazy for you. Even if it doesn't last, it'll get you started.


Seriously, I never dated until someone I got my first kiss. This girl then left me and never talked to me again, since she found out, *surprise*! I'm a bad kisser. But that got my confidence. I had another girl attracted to me for the same reason, and after a month of once-a-week dates, asked her out for "official" boyfriend/girlfriend status. A month later after heavy drinking, I got the nine yards. That relation only lasted 3 months, but, once you've "experienced" it, it all comes easier.


now, my fetish? I have a british accent (this is not faked, I moved from UK to USA). I'm small, puny and socially awkward, but that was enough to get me so far. I'm guessing that from your posts, you're quite the opposite. A sense of humor goes a LONG way, I've seen. I don't really have one, but some of my friends similar to you have short success with this. Some people really don't care about body when they have a good mind to share it with.

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  • 1 month later...

Not sure why but woke up today thinking of how my parents have been "to blame". I know they aren't the only reason, and maybe not the main reason, but I figured I'll post up the thoughts whilst I still remember them clearly (sort of) and get some feedback. So expect a bit of "emotive venom" in this post.




/rant on


I was just thinking of my elder brother, about 4 years older. Exactly like me, he grew up into the late teens introverted and shy which again makes me point the finger at just how we were raised, rather than "just me". But what really makes me start to blame/resent my parents, in particular my Mum, is seeing him trying to go out and socialise with friends and her making a huge fuss of it all.

First was all the typical over-protective stuff, like "who are these friends", "who are their parents", "how long you going for", "do you know what time finish" (or she just out of the blue enforces one). And she doesn't make these the simple standard questions they seem to be - a huge fuss, demands answers, always thinks everyone is an idiot/stupid, or whatever. Then even when he works through and goes out, it's more and more, like demanded to let them drop off there (no one likes a momma's boy look seriously), make the regular hourly check in calls, usually must leave early, and one that sticks in my mind; even forced to wear some clothing even a jacket - we're talking him being 18~20; he knows how to balance looks and not being too cold!

She would get very annoyed/grudgey against anyone who didn't listen to her (and this is in general! not just social stuff) and yes this happened even with the jacket. She got very pissed just at that so you can imagine the rest.


So anyway, I'm basically observant to all this all the time and come late teens when my social life was picking up, I was like "why should I bother" with all this crap. Ofcourse at the time I didn't realise it would lead my social skills and circle of friends to nothingness so I wish I did go. In fact she even now has the gaul to be giving me "social tips" like go here, or here, or even just "why don't you go out with your friends?". And I just think, besides from how idiotic/stupid she thinks I am, "too little, too late" with all the fuss you'll make and the discouragements you put up before. And as I posted earlier here, they still do make a little bit of fuss, although that won't stop me anymore ... if I ever do go out. Still, it is one of the big reasons why I want to move out. The other just being I just want to "grow up and be independent" they definitely aren't helping me there either.


/rant off

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I wouldn't say that you are to blame, but I don't think that you can blame others either. If I sat around and decided to blame other people, I could blame:


My dad for breaking promises more often than not and teaching me that I wasn't worth his time. For teaching me that getting material things means someone loves you. For teaching me that food is a way to feel better. For spending money on himself rather than spending it on me so I could have access to health care. For giving up his relationship with me when I was 30 because I didn't live up to his expectations.


My half-brother for sexually abusing me from the time I was about 4.


My mom for never noticing most of what I was going through. For marrying my first step father and never sticking up for me when I was treated like a second class citizen.


The guys I dated that abused me. The guys I dated who re-enforced the idea that all men want is sex.


The list could go on and on. The only way my life ever improved was to let go of all that and quit blaming anyone. I took responsibility for the state of crap that my life was in, and I was able to improve it.


How can I blame my dad? His mother walked out on his brother and him numerous times, and left them with their abusive grandparents. He never felt loved. Her love always had strings attached. The only way he ever felt good was by eating (because food = love in many Italian families), and by buying himself things (because they were very poor). He never, ever had a good example of a good parent.


How can I blame my mom? She grew up in a very abusive household. Her father was a raging alcoholic. She married for stability, because she never had any.


How can I blame my brother? He grew up with my mom's first husband who was quite verbally abusive. I remember him coming to our house to stay for the weekends with a dislocated shoulder more than once. He was only close to his step-sister. I honestly do not believe that it was his idea to start abusing me. I think he thought it was normal because he was going through it too.


So you can see, instead of blaming your issues on other people, you should try and let that sort of thing go. I would say the majority of the time, people do the best they can with what they were taught.


Gd16, you aren't too old to make a change. Try to work on letting that stuff go and try to see why those things happened.

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Man, you are much older than me and I can totally relate to it.


It's easy to say it's your choice that determines who you become but I believe the insecurity issues and all that are not something you can break off all by yourself. It feels like trying to reach the top and hitting an invisible ceiling. A long period of years with virtually nothing that makes you feel good and others having harsh judgmental eyes on you would do that.


I've read some good stories about counseling so that and having a supportive circle of friends would help get over the mental block I guess as others have pointed out.

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Everyone's past is dysfunctional.Most people have to deal with an alcoholic Mom or an abusive Dad .Blaming someone else will only disempower you and make you feel like you have no control over your destiny.The choices YOU make now will determine what your future will be.Get to work! Good luck!



everyone's past is dysfunctional. blaming does nothing for you.

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