Who do I really have to blame?

[gd16]

So, let's see. I'm 31, had a decent job til a few months ago, nice person.

 

Never dated, been in a relationship, the whole 9 yards.

 

Since I turned 18 I know of two girls in 13 years who for sure would have dated me if I had the nerve to tell them I wanted to be more than friends.

 

Lately I've been all 'woe-is-me' about it and life in general and I need to stop.

 

So here is my question. Who do I blame for all this?

 

A. My mother, who shattered my self esteem by forcing me to diet and making me feel self conscious about my weight since I was 7 years old.

 

B. My dad, who left my family when I was in the 5th grade. thereforee no one was around to coach me on dating or how to pursue girls.

 

C. My first crushes when I was 14. Would I be able to communicate my needs better if I wasn't just utterly humiliated and shamed by the girls that I first awkwardly reached out to in a romantic sense?

 

D. My friends who just decided that I was so poor socially with women that they would just avoid the subject with me altogether.

 

E. This is really all my fault and I am trying to project blame onto others to avoid looking myself in the mirror.

 

I've been thinking E. lately.

 

I don't know.

 

Any thoughts?

[Mythical_Suicide]

While I think your past plays a huge role in how you carry out your life, you as a person can change that. So if you end up failing in the end, you only have yourself to blame pretty much.

[gd16]

While I think your past plays a huge role in how you carry out your life, you as a person can change that. So if you end up failing in the end, you only have yourself to blame pretty much.

 

Yeah I think I agree. Thanks.

[waveseer]

I have really good news, it's not too late. You can be whoever you want and you can start today.

[Mythical_Suicide]

I have really good news, it's not too late. You can be whoever you want and you can start today.

 

 

Exactly.

 

It is never too late, you realize you aren't where you want to be so change that. It won't happen overnight but if you put effort forth you CAN become the person you inspire to be.

[gd16]

I have really good news, it's not too late. You can be whoever you want and you can start today.

 

Thank you for the kind words. I bought a gym membership yesterday so I'm working on getting rid of the rest of my baby fat starting tonite.

 

I hope that being in better shape and getting some clothes that actually fit properly will help out my confidence level.

[Mythical_Suicide]

Thank you for the kind words. I bought a gym membership yesterday so I'm working on getting rid of the rest of my baby fat starting tonite.

 

I hope that being in better shape and getting some clothes that actually fit properly will help out my confidence level.

 

 

I definitely think that is a step in the right direction, when you feel good about yourself it is so much easier to change your life around.

[Blanco Nino]

I'll go with A

[gd16]

While I think your past plays a huge role in how you carry out your life, you as a person can change that. So if you end up failing in the end, you only have yourself to blame pretty much.

 

This post really hit home with me and now I'm thinking the correct answer would be F. all of the above.

[gd16]

I'll go with A

 

You think? Any reasoning behind this choice?

[anonimo]

I would say all of the above as well. Yet in spite of all those things you can rise above it. I have had some similar things in my life so I understand where you are coming from. Hang in there.

[gd16]

I would say all of the above as well. Yet in spite of all those things you can rise above it. I have had some similar things in my life so I understand where you are coming from. Hang in there.

 

Thanks for the encouragement. I am trying to stay positive but its tough when it feels like you just have a huge hole in your heart all day every day.

 

I sure hope I can get this figured out. I feel like such a freak.

[anonimo]

Trust me you aren't the only one. I'm 26 and just move back in with my parents and have been having some bad anxiety. I feel like a freak myself bro.

The only thing we can do is take things one day at a time.

[gd16]

Trust me you aren't the only one. I'm 26 and just move back in with my parents and have been having some bad anxiety. I feel like a freak myself bro.

The only thing we can do is take things one day at a time.

 

Again you are correct, sir. I guess that is another reason I feel so bad about feeling so bad. I know there are so many people in this cruel world that have suffered much more than I ever have/will. But I can't seem to shake it.

[anonimo]

Just try not to beat yourself up man. It only makes things worse.

I wasn't trying to make comparisons, just in case. I was just letting you know that I pretty much catch your drift.

[gd16]

Just try not to beat yourself up man. It only makes things worse.

I wasn't trying to make comparisons, just in case. I was just letting you know that I pretty much catch your drift.

 

Thanks I appreciate it. I hope everything on your end starts improving too.

[anonimo]

Thanks man...

[dr_styles]

Answers will vary from the person's background, and mine is pretty much the same as yours - no experiences with ANYTHING.

 

Ultimately the "blame" is on yourself. Though the usual sound advice is to stop blaming and instead address it but a lot I can't help but think blame too. I suppose I would "blame" my parents - they NEVER promoted, coached, or talked about socialising. Infact they didn't teach me much in life AT ALL. Good manners and good providers, but lessons on going out, friendship, communication, and even the meaning of some emotions/behaviour (e.g. I didn't know what "arrogant" meant till late high school!) were just never talked about.

 

And if it ever came up, it would be overprotective to the point of just easier to not go, so things like parties, inviting people over, etc.

 

Even now my parents don't socialise much. It's ALWAYS with other family, and that's what I've grown up with. It's a big deal when I go out with friends anywhere (and usual mistrust, "who are these friends, where, etc.?"

[Brightest Dark]

This post really hit home with me and now I'm thinking the correct answer would be F. all of the above.

 

It's funny you should say that, I was gonna probably say maybe a little bit of everything (although I don't really think you should blame friends for avoiding the subject).

 

I think you should sign up for an online dating site. Write that you are shy. No-one knows you so they're not gonna laugh at you. And you'll get girls writing to you who like shy people and understand you or feel the same.

 

I like a guy that is supposedly quiet/maybe shy. He lives far away from me so I rarely see him. I tried to communicate with him. I've written on here about it. He's nice and smiles when he sees me, gives me hugs - but when I email him he barely if ever replies. As long as I've known him I think he's been single... as I have been. I really think that if he gave it a try and actually tried to hang out or write back to me more then our friendship could grow. So I feel the need to tell YOU to TRY. There are probably girls out there who'd love to get to know you and don't care that you are shy and will probably even love you for it. They'll love you for you. You just need to put yourself out there somehow. If you can't do it in person, then do it online. Take it slowly. You don't need to meet up with girls straight away - but just communicating online until you feel more confident can help you and be a good first step.

[givinggirl]

This post really hit home with me and now I'm thinking the correct answer would be F. all of the above.

 

I agree with all of the above. Everything in our lives influence us in some way. Something as simple as your name can cause you problems in life...or at least in your mind. You need to learn to let go of all the things that you can't change, namely how other people act and respond and focus on the things you can change and that is all within you. You need to learn to like you for who you are...not for what other people see you as or for your looks, but for who you are as a person. Do you like who you are and the things that you stand for? Yes, people may ridicule because you are not like them, but really, if you don't want to be like them, then who cares....let them ridicule.

 

Personally, for me, I have never been one to follow down the road just because everyone else is going that way. I would much rather explore and find my own short cut that is a better road for me to take. I don't do things because people think I should. I am who I am, and the people who like me, know this and might make casual jokes about how I need to lay off the liquor (when I am not a drinker) or my bad habit of cursing (because they have never heard me curse). They might be teasing because I am not like all of them, but at least it shows me that they do know what I am about and they don't try to change me. They accept me for who I am and they know that they can try as they might to persuade me, but I am not going to budge, so instead they just tease.

 

They also know that I am not a big conversationalist and when I have something to say it is usually something they should hear. I do have a tendency to be a bit "preachy", but no one has told me to keep my opinions to myself yet. I even tell them to tell me it is none of my business and I will shut up.

 

Point is that you need to feel comfortable in who you are. If that means that you need to go to the gym and lose your baby fat...then do it. Buy new clothes, but just make sure that the person that you are on the inside is the person you want to be and let other people know who that person is...don't hide from you.

[somethngwrng]

You can blame who you like, but unfortunately blame doesn't get you anywhere. I could sit around blaming my father for being an abusive alcoholic who's only encouragement was only ever "you're a f---ing loser, you always will be, no woman will ever want you"... but blaming him isn't going to set me a foot further in the correct direction. It's just about being the best you can be in your set of circumstances. I know there's a lot of improvement to be had in my life.

[Cloudyday]

I think it's fine to put partial blame on external sources as long as you don't use it as an excuse to stop trying. You can only control your own actions and not others even though their actions can affect you immensely. Once you realize your past and how it has shaped who you are now, whether good or bad, then you can begin to take action to change things. It's never too late to take control of your life. Good luck.

[dr_styles]

I think you should sign up for an online dating site. Write that you are shy. No-one knows you so they're not gonna laugh at you.

 

This is a genuine question; isn't there a chance your friends, relatives, or whoever may see your profile/photo, and then well, hell breaks loose.

[Ramm Zwei]

I like how the ol' "Blame The Victim/You only have yourself to blame for your misfortune" mentality is alive and well here at enotalone. And I still think that the logic behind this mindset is ridiculous. I guess that this sort of thinking is the inevitable result of years of pop psychology and New Age crap telling us that everybody is a potential winner and the only reason why they aren't is because they fail to do so.

 

To the OP: You are right in everything but reason E. Your parents and your environment made you and not the other way around. The only reason why people tell you that it's your fault is because people are selfish by nature and couldn't give a damn about your problems. Never put yourself down or let anybody even tell you that it's all your fault.

[somethngwrng]

The only reason why people tell you that it's your fault is because people are selfish by nature and couldn't give a damn about your problems. Never put yourself down or let anybody even tell you that it's all your fault.

Telling someone to empower themselves is hardly putting someone down or saying it's all their fault. There just isn't really a purpose in playing the blame game when everyone has many things they can do to help themselves.

 

I can relate with almost all points made by the OP in some way or another. I'm sure it has also shaped me as a person. I'm pretty determined to break out of this mold, and telling me that "you were brought up this way and it's just who you are" doesn't help one bit.