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It is going to be Chinese New Year soon. Did I mention that I really hate Chinese New Year? I dislike the ever popular question "Do you have a girlfriend, when are you getting married?" Please.. I know you are concerned. But can you don't ask? It is not like I am not concerned about my future, but it is one thing desiring but another having.


Talking about marriage, a friend of mine is getting married in September. He just broke up with his ex, within a month or two, he was attached to his current fiancee. The third month into his relationship he proposed. Wow.. That was fast. I am happy for him. I think his wife-to-be suits him better than the previous one. Good job bro. Last night, I volunteered to be his emcee for his wedding, and he ask me to be his video crew and help him with his special item. We were at Mr. Bean. The message of honouring people was tinkling in my mind, so I talked to the supervisor of Mr. Bean who served us really well. Guess what? He is the brother of David Lee, an ex Singapore National Soccer Player. Anyway, Robert (the supervisor) gave us apple crumble with vanilla ice cream. But little does he know that I was thinking about apple crumble with ice cream. I felt really blessed last night. Because I had a story about apple crumble. But I'll leave it for next time.


Anyway, the topic about marriage has been in my mind lately. I am not very positive about marriage. Marriage is not really my thing. NO.. Don't get me wrong. I am not afriad of commitment or responsibility. Neither is it any bad experience I had with relationships. I guess, I am not positive about marriage because I am not really a relationship like of guy, as in, I don't have a gift in relationship. I suck at this topic. Why? You may asked.. I am just... terrible...


I have taken the past few months sorting out my life, my thoughts, my plans. I have planned my life that marriage in not in the picture. If it happens, it is a bonus, if it doesn't? Oh well.. Life goes on..


Some may ask, do you want to be like Paul, I don't want a married life? My answer is No... No I am not looking forward to be alone. Some how man are not made to be alone. I do desire the fullness of life, if God permits. I desire to go through every stages of growing up, getting into a relationship and eventually being a father of a great kid. I guess somehow, somewhere, sometime, I had lost that faith. I lost that confidence that I will be a good partner, a good husband or a good father.


I am afriad that I am not attentive enough for my girlfriend, not sensitive enough for my wife, and not caring enough as a father. Maybe it is fear that cripples my hope. Or maybe, I am just mean to be alone.


Whatever it is, I am not looking forward for a relationship. Not that I don't desire it. I just... fear it... I fear rejection, I fear I can't handle the suitation right, I fear myself.. I am afriad to mess up. NO... Nothing wrong with my self esteem. I do deserve someone... But maybe I love her so much, I think she deserve better..


Anyway I really dislike Chinese New Year....

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I consider worry to be an immobilizing emotion. The future scares you. Guess what, the future never gets here. When it does, it's the present.


You can waste all your nows worrying about the future. All you can do is the best you can do NOW. And when that potential now called the future gets here, do the best you can.


If you don't consider yourself ready for a relationship NOW, then don't get in one NOW. But don't get yourself worked up over what you MIGHT be in the future.

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