my bf doesn't understand why i withhold information

[hiphop3]

i know this doesn't exactly fit into this thread but i wanted to place this post in a more sensitive and personal place on the site.

 

but any ways, this topic has caused a fight or two between my bf and i and the issues remains unresolved...

 

my bf knows the gist of my situation with my family and father. he knows that my dad began drinking 5-6 yrs ago, that he is an angry/resentful/verbally abusive drunk and basically ruined our family, has caused me to go to therapy, and that my mother left him (my bf and i were together during the separation). i have not given my bf detailed accounts of things my father has said and done, except for one time when my dad talked about killing himself to me once. a handful of times i have cried in my bf's arms about my situation, but i have remained vague.

 

this christmas my dad made at attempt to grab my male cousin's genitals in front of my sisters, myself, and my aunt when he was intoxicated. this left me extremely distraught and has brought back another memory that is similar in nature related to my dad. i came back to my apartment (my bf and i live together) and was a mess, but i refused to tell him what had happened.

 

he then got frustrated with me, saying i never "open up." i personally think i have though. i don't go telling just any one that my father drinks. and those friends who do know, do not know as many details as my bf does, though he doesn't know every thing. i don't know what he wants from me, to spill out every single thing my father has ever said and done? i don't see a need for it any ways. some things are just humiliating to talk about and i feel it would be improper to cast my family in such a light. i don't see how he is so unsatisfied with how much information i have given him.

 

how do i get this through his head? am i at all in the wrong here?

[Kalika]

If he's upset, does it matter how much info you gave him?

 

Personally I can see how these things your father has done would be humiliating, but don't you think that he deserves an explanation about why his girlfriend is devastated and crying in his arms?

 

It sounds like he really cares about you.

[hiphop3]

If he's upset, does it matter how much info you gave him?

 

Personally I can see how these things your father has done would be humiliating, but don't you think that he deserves an explanation about why his girlfriend is devastated and crying in his arms?

 

It sounds like he really cares about you.

 

yeah i guess you're right. i always just thought he wasn't minding his own business and wasn't respecting my boundaries. but i guess it can go either way. while some times i want to tell him...i just can't.

[skittlesfae]

I don't think you are in the wrong, so to speak.. But I can understand why he feels how he does. He just wants you to feel you can trust him with it all, and he wants to help you as much as he can, in my opinion. Obviously I don't KNOW him. So I can't say this with complete conviction, however he probably just wants to feel trusted and take care of you.

 

But that's not any reason for you to spill your guts on what you don't feel you can tell him. You've told him enough in my opinion, he knows the gist of the situation, it's not important for him to know the rest, for now at least maybe. You can probably tell I'm speaking from myself at this point, because I have to deal with similar yet less of a situation. [my dad wasn't the best man himself, we left when I was 5 so I didn't get a chance to see any more of it thankfully... And I have told my current boyfriend the vague points of it, but not every detail.]

 

But, maybe try explaining that although you aren't giving him a point-for-point, he knows more than anyone else, and he knows the basics of everything there is to know. Even if it's not in full on detail. But think about it from his perspective- there is something you aren't willing to share with him, and it might hurt him to know this. Maybe he thinks you don't trust him enough with the information, that you are afraid he'll be insensitive about it or something along those lines? Try to be a bit understanding of his side of thing, but don't just tell him because he wants you to.

 

Hope I was of some help at all.......

~Skittles.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

i came back to my apartment (my bf and i live together) and was a mess, but i refused to tell him what had happened.

 

he then got frustrated with me, saying i never "open up."

 

While you are not obligated to tell him every last bit of your life history, particularly if it is painful, I think you do owe him some kind of explanation when you come in completely distressed. From his point of view, you come in completely distraught and won't tell him why...he feels very shut out. You don't have to get into everything but you should tell him enough so that he can at least feel like you are not shutting him out when you come home distressed. Whatever you told him in the past does not count when you come in distressed over a latest event. He at least has the right to know what precipitated this latest cause of distress. You are living with him. If you were not living with him then you could simply tell him that you are not feeling well and will talk to him later..but when you are living with someone then there are certain responsibilities and obligations that go along with it so that everyone is on the same page...when someone is going out, when they will be home, why they came home distressed or angry etc. When you are living with a partner you have to be mindful of them and make sure they are kept in the loop.

[PsychGirly]

You're entitled to your privacy, & everyone should respect that. However, in this case, I can't really bring myself to say that.

 

See, when you come home or have those random moments where you fall into his arms, or you're really emotional, it makes him frustrated to not know what's going on with you. He knows that you've been through a lot, but it would help him to know a little bit more where you're coming from.

 

I'm guessing he just feels frustrated because he can't really say much except "it's ok", & he can't do much else but comfort you. He wants to be able to offer advice & be there for you. He probably feels that this is the type of problem that's never going to vanish, and you're constantly gonna be reminded of it, & he loves you & wants to know what you've been through so he can feel with you.

[Kalika]

HipHop - I'd be more worried about him not respecting your privacy or boundaries if, say, he was going through your email, or cell phone, or something like that..

 

That's not the case here though, he's just concerned about you. I don't think he has any malicious intent to his inquiries.

[hiphop3]

thank you for all of your replies, it really helps. some times i need other people's opinions b/c i'm so stubborn.

 

how can i possibly tell him about when my dad tries to grab another male's crotch when he's drunk?

 

he does not have a relationship with my dad, they have only met once. i doubt they will see each other much either since i rarely see my dad. if i do bring people around him, i make sure it's during the day when my dad is sober. but even disclosing such information to my bf, and then him hanging around my sober dad...it just doesn't seem right.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

thank you for all of your replies, it really helps. some times i need other people's opinions b/c i'm so stubborn.

 

how can i possibly tell him about when my dad tries to grab another male's crotch when he's drunk?

 

he does not have a relationship with my dad, they have only met once. i doubt they will see each other much either since i rarely see my dad. if i do bring people around him, i make sure it's during the day when my dad is sober. but even disclosing such information to my bf, and then him hanging around my sober dad...it just doesn't seem right.

 

 

You do not have to get into specifics if you feel uncomfortable disclosing it...but what you can say is that your father behaved inappropriately which caused someone distress and his actions have embarrassed you and brought back some unpleasant memories and that is why you are distressed. If he wants to delve deeper than just tell him that it is very difficult for you to talk in depth about it because he is your father and part of you doesn't want to feel disloyal.

[keith515]

I feel that you have should explain in general what happened. You father did something embarrassing that made you very upset but you'd rather not get into the details. Then, if he still gets upset, then we are dealing with a different situation.

 

I feel you at least owe him the basics of why you're upset. Otherwise, it will just create frustration because he doesn't know what he and you, are dealing with.

[hiphop3]

it just seems disrespectful to my dad to reveal such.."incriminating" information. not that i have much respect for him any more. but it would feel wrong.

also my sisters advised that i don't tell any one.

and yes, i guess i do feel like i need my bf to respect my dad. it doesn't make any sense.

 

this particular situation has not been brought up again in conversation so i think i'll just leave it. or should i say something?

 

any ways, at least now i know for future reference, when sh*t does hit the fan again with my dad, i'll share with my bf. and if my dad does any thing again with homosexual/bisexual connotations...well we'll see.

[hiphop3]

So if they happen to be hanging around and your dad goes for his crotch, would you rather want him to know about it beforehand or have the "pleasant" experience of finding out for himself? Just to put a perspective on it.

 

my dad was hammered when he did this and i make sure that my bf will never see my dad intoxicated.

[paranoiac543]

Your boyfriend probably thinks you don't trust him enough to ''open up''..but my advice probably isn't needed anymore since a bunch of people already answered. I am the opposite though. I don't understand why my BF withholds info from me. He hasn't been through any horrible situations like you, but there are lots of random little things.. Okie i just lost my train of thought..