andlamv Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 I been working at my job for 2 years and i became friends with one of the guys at work. Almost everyone in my crew thinks im straight and that im currently looking for a girl friend. well me and this guy are really close friends it seems we have this connection where we can tell each other anything. He recently told me something that he held secret about himself and he thinks it well effect his marriage and i gave him advice etc etc. (no he is not gay)We started talking about how honest we are to each other and that all the things that where said where not shared with other people in the crew. I started thinking that im a big lie to him. He thinks that im living with a roommate and had relationship troubles in the past. When in truth is the roommate is my boyfriend and i did not break up with anyone for the last 2 1/2 years. the problem with telling him the truth is that i don't know how he would react and im afraid all the times we played around he would think i was hitting on him. also im afraid he would react badly and tell everyone in the crew and a lot of these people at my job seem homophobic(spelling?). it what comes with construction jobs i guess...From his story's he would tell me i know he would be okay with it but I don't know how he would act after words like afraid to play around with me or even go out and drink and stuff. what would be great is that i would have someone that is just like me to talk to. it would be nice to have support like that and i don't want to lose him as a friend and i do want to be honest but i dont want to go the wrong way so i was wondering what would you guys do in this situation or any advice would be nice Link to comment
greywolf Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 When my best friend came out to me, it was weird at first. But I eventually got used to it. If he's truly you're friend, he'll accept it. Link to comment
Kalika Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 Wow. You're in a terrible position - it's really hard not to mix business with personal stuff because people at work naturally talk about their personal lives. Honestly though - this is easier said that done, but maybe you should come clean. You shouldn't have to hide something as important as a boyfriend of two years!! And if he thinks you were hitting on him, well, that's just his ego's wishful thinking Link to comment
andlamv Posted January 14, 2009 Author Share Posted January 14, 2009 Thats how i feel, everytime i feel im gonna tell him im like "wait" in my head and i cant do it. Link to comment
andlamv Posted January 14, 2009 Author Share Posted January 14, 2009 for real though i should posted this in the straight forum since im wanting to know how he would feel if i told him...but im also looking to see if i should tell him too... Link to comment
krettler Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 well i think only you can decide what to do there are some ups and some downs though that i could list off, ill start with the ups, he could reaact fine and you could still be like normal and he could be glad you felt he should know this about your life, and if he reacts badly than you would have an idea if he is really the kinda person you want as your friend. on the down side he could be mad cuz its like you have been lieing to him, he could think that you like him and want to date him. in the end there is gonna be some good some bad but only you can decide and keep in mind one thing if you do tell him make sure you tell him that your only telling him so he knows the truth not cuz you secretly love him, many people seem to think if you come out to them then they think that your want them Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 My opinion is to just come out and tell him, but I do, unfortunately understand your hesitation. I think it's a shame that people can't just be accepted as who they are, without have stigma attached to it. After all, we're all human, and we all have something to give in this life. Also, if he's a true friend, he'll have no problem understanding, and will remain a true friend. Wishing you the best... Link to comment
chiefoptimizer Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 may i suggest the three of you (you, bf, and him), go for something together, like a night out, cinema or something, and just let him meet your bf (no unnecessary intros, just say "this is.....insert_name_here"), and then show *some* affection for the bf? or, at work, mention your bf a lot, just by name, until he gets the idea that you're very close to that person? and don't call your bf your "roommate", refer to him as "we live together", its vague enough to be the truth, but leave you some leeway for backing out if he turns out to be homophobic... or ask him "what is the biggest secret you could keep for me?" and proceed from there? or mention some celebrity you find attractive and refer to him as "hot" only half-jokingly? you should know that your true friends will stick by your side, I've been blessed myself that not one soul has turned their back on me since finding out i'm gay, (~50 people), but you need to consider the scary but real possibility that he may have issues with gays and if you're outed at work, it may well be nasty for you. Maybe ask him to promise you, give you his word of honour that he won't betray you for what you're about to say? hope this helps Link to comment
1WayTicket2Norway Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 hey kyle! I've got the perfect solution to your predicament! Get him to ask you whether you are gay or not... thats how i came out to most of my straight friends! If he asks you, just tell him the truth. If you are wondering how to get him to ask you, just follow chiefptimizer's advice... that kind of "open" behaviour is bound to raise a few questions. just don't make it seem as if you are coming on to him. Good luck! Link to comment
Imaginary Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 hey kyle! I've got the perfect solution to your predicament! Get him to ask you whether you are gay or not... thats how i came out to most of my straight friends! If he asks you, just tell him the truth. If you are wondering how to get him to ask you, just follow chiefptimizer's advice... that kind of "open" behaviour is bound to raise a few questions. just don't make it seem as if you are coming on to him. Good luck! But then he could wait a long while before the guy asks, and if he thinks he is constantly joking he might never even ask unless he makes it so obvious he doesn't need to ask, which defeats the purpose. Link to comment
Lucy__lou Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 Hey Andlamv, You have my sympathies that you feel the need to keep your life a secret. I'm a bi woman, and even though I've been open about it for some years now, I've reverted back into the closet since working in a more conservative and also professional work environment. I chose to when I had an unexpected reaction from a woman who I told, thinking she'd bee cool, and also feeling like she was a potential friend, only to find that she did the classic homophobic reaction of being uncomfortable around me, and looking like I'd assaulted her if I as much said hello. My point being that until you've seen this guy express active Gay friendliness (and I mean towards Gay men), you don't know how advanced he is in rising above mainstream (construction industry) ignorance. So I think you have to ask yourself if you will be ok if you find he's not as cool as you currently think. Because if he's not, you'll be stuck working with him every day and it could be hell. And especially if all the others are homophobic, I really think you need to get to a position in your own thick skinnedness of being ready to be out to everyone. I know your friend has confided something in you, which you don't mention, but is it something about his life? or something about who he is? It's hard to keep a secret about someone if it is a secret about their entire identity. And some people aren't that good at hiding things. It's quite an ask to get him to carry your burden. It would be great if you could tell him, and thereforee have at least one real friend at work. I'm just pointing out the potential hazards. If you're confident that you can get work anywhere, then perhaps you should make a goal of being out from day one in your next construction job. It would take serious confidence, if my impression of the construction industry is correct. But it would be awesome if you could. And I've seen it done at least once in a warehouse I worked in. All the workers were men, and one of the smartest, loudest, most confident, and actually most macho and foul mouthed guys was also overtly camp. So it can be done, apparently. Just my 2c. Good luck, whatever you decide. Link to comment
chiefoptimizer Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 And some people aren't that good at hiding things. It's quite an ask to get him to carry your burden. Just to clarify something here, your being gay is not a burden, but will be percieved as such by homophobic people - even if they turn our to accept you - if they've been taught to hate it from their upbringing (@mods: i'm not saying the word here), even if they accept you, they may feel its something to hide. In this case it is a burden for them. Link to comment
Lucy__lou Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 Just to clarify something here, your being gay is not a burden, but will be percieved as such by homophobic people - even if they turn our to accept you - if they've been taught to hate it from their upbringing (@mods: i'm not saying the word here), even if they accept you, they may feel its something to hide. In this case it is a burden for them. Perhaps I didn't express that clearly. I mean keeping a secret for someone because they've asked you to can be a burden. Andlamv has said he doesn't want the other guys at work to know. So it's placing this responsibility on his friend to play along as if he doesn't know. And if he's not a good actor, it could be a burden. Link to comment
andlamv Posted January 18, 2009 Author Share Posted January 18, 2009 well, to let you guys know, i did it thanks for your advise. He accepted it, and he was surprised that i was. he said i hide it very well and we both laughed and joked about it. I cant believe that i told him. i feel really good about my self. that's one of the best things about being gay is getting that rush to tell someone and when you do this big feeling of relief... thanks again guys, your help and advice was great Link to comment
andlamv Posted January 18, 2009 Author Share Posted January 18, 2009 oh and the burden stuff, well we tell each other secrets all the time. so i think he can hide very well. Link to comment
Pocket Rocket Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Well done and congratulations andlamv! i know what you mean about the rush, I'm so glad things turned out ok for you Link to comment
chiefoptimizer Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Congratulations Well done! Was he the first person you came out to? Link to comment
Icefire Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Glad to hear he was cool with it! I love that rush of confidence and relief that comes after you come out to someone, it's invigorating, especially after the nerve wracking that comes before you do it! Link to comment
Lucy__lou Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Thanks for updating us on the good news andlamv well, to let you guys know, i did it thanks for your advise. that's one of the best things about being gay is getting that rush to tell someone and when you do this big feeling of relief... I get this feeling of invincibility when I out myself to people too. But the feeling is stronger when it's to homophobes. When you discover that you don't care what they think, it's even more liberating. I mean, if you can tough that out, you can handle anything ... defiance. Link to comment
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