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Friend sabotaging my (separated) relationship?


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Hi. I will try to keep this short.


My boyfriend of five years and I recently decided on a trial separation because he began to stray. He never actually cheated, but he was on the path. I kept our place and he moved.


Before he found a place to rent, he was staying with a mutual (good) friend. She was my friend first, but after they met it was obvious to me that she had a small (or maybe large) crush on him and that she preferred his company to mine. I never worried about it as she is most definitely not his type and it seemed the crush slowly went away. Plus, after a while, she entered "best friend" status with me and seemed to respect and enjoy me... talking to me about everything in her life. We are quite a bit older than she is. Her dad asked us once to take care of her.


When my bf went to her house to stay, she didn't call or text for over a week. When she did text me, she said nothing about the situation. She called me a week after that to ask me to come to a party at her house, but still mentioned nothing of what was going on. My bf was there, and after about an hour I went home because it was hard for me to be around him at that time. Still no call... nothing.


I wrote her an email last week, basically telling her she was being a bad friend. I have been there for her time and time again and she couldn't even call when I was going through a devastating time.


I was out to lunch with another friend of mine, and she mentioned that she had talked to my so-called friend. Friend 2 told me that friend 1 mentioned that some good friends were breaking up and it was sad, but that it was working to her advantage because she and the guy in the relationship had always had a thing for each other. Friend 2 doesn't know for sure that friend 1 was talking about me and my bf.


My question is: should I confront either my bf or her? I really do not want to be made a fool of. I already feel foolish enough because of the betrayal on my bf's part and the betrayal on my friend's part. I feel it is my right to know if a. there's something going on between the two of them, or b. if she's making things up to try to sabotage the progress my bf and I are making. Any insight?



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I went through a similar situation a few years ago. I was dating a guy who became good friends with my best friend. My friend was married, and she was my closest friend, so I didn't think anything of it until I found out they were using me to have an affair. She would tell her husband that she was hanging out with me and my boyfriend so the husband wouldn't be suspicious of her. That also gave her a chance to spend time with him without looking like she was doing anything wrong. All the while he was saying things like "I love you" to me. It totally screwed me up. I didn't date anyone for three years after that and I've been completely paranoid in my current relationship. It really messed me up and I ended up having to see a therapist to figure out how to deal with it and move on.


I would say have a serious conversation with your boyfriend about what you both see for the future with each other. Trust what he says. This is a man who loves you and has a history with you and you should believe that he doesn’t want to hurt you. But, if he comes accross as unsure or can't assure you he'll be faithful, get out of that situation as soon as possible. Trust your gut too. Believe me; you don't want to go through being betrayed like that. Oh, and dump that “friend’ of yours. She isn’t worth your time.

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Yeah, I've already decided that the "friend" isn't worth it. If she can't be there for me when I'm going through tough times, she's really no friend at all. Especially considering all of the times I've been there for her.


Yes, I'm sure he is hurting and I'm sure she is a shoulder to lean on... for him.


So, is the general consensus that I should just talk to him about it and ignore her side of it?

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Stay objective. Don't accuse him of anything, that will only cause him to be defensive. Just express your concerns calmly, present him with the information you have. And be sure that you take time to really listen to what he has to say.


Good luck, I hope everything works out for you!

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Update: I talked to him about it tonight. I believe he truly had no idea what I was talking about. He empathized with my plight, however, and reassured me that nothing was going on with them.


I think this was one of those convos that needed to happen; we are learning to communicate with each other differently and it seems to be working.


Thanks so much again

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