Anotherday Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Just on a whim I joined an online dating site, thinking no one would be interested. The first pic I put up was just a face shot taken about 9 months ago. This guy asked I post another pic and it was from about 14 months ago - when I was much thinner. I don't have a recent pics and plus have every intention of losing this weight I've put on and getting back into shape. Plus, I honestly thought this would go nowhere and I was just doing it for fun. Never intended to go out with anyone. So now there is this OTHER guy who wants to meet me. I would like to stall him for about two months so I can get back into shape, but he wanted to meet me last weekend after only a couple of emails. Now he's given me his phone number. What to do?! I don't want to have to tell him "sorry, but I've gained weight" as it looks like I was trying to misrepresent myself (it's more like I hate pics of me when I am at this weight and, like I said, refuse to stay at this weight). Is there a way to push out meeting him or should I just tell him the truth, in which case he probably won't want to meet me anyway... Link to comment
villie Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Ooh tough one. I would be honest. Has he asked when those photos were taken? You could have one last 'chat' and casually say those photos are old and you dont look exactly like that, and one of your main hobbies lately is getting fit and healthy and exercise. There is always the option of holding out for a few months while you drop the weight, but during that time he may come accross other profiles - i can almost guarentee you that. If you really like him, get it over with and meet. Dont drag out the chatting/email either. i did it with someone for 3 weeks constant emails/chats and texts and i really believe that it made it WORSE! you cant keep up that level of contact. Things are easily misterpreted too. Things are easily said that arn't true either...Now when i go on a dating website, i chat for a bit, and really if i like them, i'll meet them with in a week. it saves sooo much confusion. a lot of stuff is built 'up' too much. you know if a spark is there or not, and dont waste so much time sorry it might not be much help or clear answer. hope it helps somewhat! Link to comment
Davie Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 I think there is one easy way to solve this. Change your display picture to a more up to date picture of yourself. Although you should make sure he sees it ^_^ I'm sure you still look lovely Link to comment
villie Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Change your display picture to a more up to date picture of yourself. Good idea! Stick a new photo of you, tell him youve updated your profile pictures. if he wants to meet still, great, if he doesn't or 'disappears' you know he was really probably only into how you look unfortunately. maybe. Link to comment
Davie Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Exactly. At the same time. If he decides to make like a tree and VamOOs! Then he was shallow and not worth dating to begin with ^_^ All the same if it's just 14 months I'm sure you still look fantastic Link to comment
D_Lish Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 I really can't see how gaining a little more weight has altered your face that much.....and it's your face he has seen, right? And if he likes you, he would overlook the weight gain I feel and I'm basing that upon the fact that a guy I met recently had gained a bit of weight and it didn't put me off. Saying that and if it was me, I'd probably stall for time to lose a bit....but we females like to look our best and don't feel comfortable unless we feel at our best, do we? If he stumbles accross another profile, well he can't have been that interested anyway IMO...and least you would have lost weight for the next guy that shows an interest. One mans loss, is anothers gain....lol Link to comment
villie Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Exactly. At the same time. If he decides to make like a tree and VamOOs! Then he was shallow and not worth dating to begin with ^_^ All the same if it's just 14 months I'm sure you still look fantastic this is probably a bit silly of me to say, but davie, your very wise for someone who's only 17! lol Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 I would post a recent picture of yourself on your profile right now before you even meet him and see what happens..... Link to comment
Anotherday Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 Thanks, this does help. I've never even spoken to him on the phone. I can see why someone could get upset if things were to drag out and then meet. The truth is in that pic I was a size 4/6 and now I am a 12. Not a moose, but not a 4/6 either. But that's a lot of weight to try to hide. I think what I'll do is stall for a couple of weeks. I will tell him I am busy this weekend but suggest the following. I know much cannot be done in two weeks, but maybe if I work out enough I could get down to a 10. Pics do add ten lbs, so I sure don't want to put a new up one. Then it will REALLY seem like I misrepresented myself. My weight has gone so up and down over the years. I had a horribly stressful year with my dog being put to sleep and then five months of a hellish job (which my last day is Friday, then I'll have LOTS of time to work out and focus on getting back into shape). I'm just really reluctant to "come out with it" when I've never even talked to him on the phone. This was the LAST thing I thought would happen - that I would run accross someone I would want to meet who would want to meet me back. Yikes. I'd better go workout now. Link to comment
Anotherday Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 I would post a recent picture of yourself on your profile right now before you even meet him and see what happens..... I don't have a recent pic and just cannot even accept myself at this weight. It disgusts me to see a pic of me at this weight. I would rather just tell him I cannot meet him than go through that. Still...he could be "the one." I really wish I had not gained all this weight! Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 I don't have a recent pic and just cannot even accept myself at this weight. It disgusts me to see a pic of me at this weight. I would rather just tell him I cannot meet him than go through that. Still...he could be "the one." I really wish I had not gained all this weight! You need to love yourself for who you are before you can love another... You are still the same person at a size 12 that you were at a size 4...remember that. My best to you. Link to comment
sff123 Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 You could say how long ago you took the pic and that youve gained weight since then. Some guys might care that you gained weight but i doubted they'd care as much as you do. Some guys won't care at all. Link to comment
Anotherday Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 You could say how long ago you took the pic and that youve gained weight since then. Some guys might care that you gained weight but i doubted they'd care as much as you do. Some guys won't care at all. Are you a guy? Link to comment
Anotherday Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 Thanks all, but I simply cannot do the photo thing. I would rather just tell him what I told you in my OP and then if he's not interested that is ok. I will have learned my lesson. Like I said, I have no intention of staying this way but try convincing a potential person of that. I don't want to lead him on, waste his time, but I never intended for this to happen. Having said this, I'd hate to miss out on meeting someone just because I gained some weight. But I should probably stop thinking about this, as it is stressing me out. I still have four days of work to get through and had to even go get some Klonopin from my Dr. just to get through this week. Link to comment
D_Lish Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Thanks all, but I simply cannot do the photo thing. I would rather just tell him what I told you in my OP and then if he's not interested that is ok. I will have learned my lesson. Like I said, I have no intention of staying this way but try convincing a potential person of that. I don't want to lead him on, waste his time, but I never intended for this to happen. Having said this, I'd hate to miss out on meeting someone just because I gained some weight. But I should probably stop thinking about this, as it is stressing me out. I still have four days of work to get through and had to even go get some Klonopin from my Dr. just to get through this week. You might be pleasantly surprised and the guy may say it doesn't bother him. Not all guys want nor are looking for a stick thin supermodel you know. And size 12 isn't big anyway.....it's only a 14 in UK sizes and that is far from being big!!!! I myself am a 10/12....that is 8/10 in USA size and I'm certainly not big...you are one size more than me. Link to comment
Anotherday Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 Another Day, for what it's worth, I do not think a size 12 is overweight. If you want to get back to where you were, that's fine...but don't beat yourself up about being a size 12. I am a 10/12 and I think I look good, quite honestly. However, it is important to have a recent (within 6 months) photo posted if you are going to do the on-line thing. Well, just be honest with him, see what happens. I personally think you should just get a recent photo and re-post. Thanks, MissKitty and all. You know how obsessed our culture is with weight and I guess I am guilty of being that way. And I bet he's not perfect. His pic on the online site is better than the one I saw on his company website. Plus, he put his location where I live (he works in that location), but lives way accross town, which is not exactly accurate either. Still, I don't think much of that except it's interesting to note. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 My issue would be the lie far more than the extra weight. I met several men in person who obviously used a 30-40 pounds ago picture and I always noticed in a negative way and it was distracting because when you're trying to get to know a person over an hour cup of coffee, you don't want "he's a liar" to be in the forefront of your mind (even if that's the only lie, when it's a first impression, you can't be sure). I heard several stories from men I met about women who lied about age/weight/looks before meeting in person and it never ended well. I don't think the issue of whether we care too much about weight is relevant here at all or whether you still look lovely (I assume you do). People dislike feeling tricked and there's enough suspicion/caution already about on line interactions that it's hard to cut slack. I also don't know that the "misrepresentations" in his profile will make a difference - I had four pictures of me plus pictures on my company web site and even though they were all recent I looked different in each one - it's just how I photograph. And, if you think his saying he lives on one side of town when he lives on another is in the same category as what you chose to do that's your personal judgment but I would respectfully disagree. I agree that you should come clean before the date and hopefully he'll be the type who's understanding. It's totally fine if he's not. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 you need to get a new pic. it's not that hard to. gotta stop pretty much deceiving people or get off the site until you have reached your goal. Link to comment
lovemycoffee41 Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 First of all, don't stress! You'll be fine, no matter what. And I'm sure you're gorgeous, whether you're a 4 or a 14. So no worries about that! Now delete that picture on your page. If you feel like you're giving anyone the wrong impression and that you're misrepresenting yourself, delete it. You'll feel better that when you talk to a man he'll be interested in you as you are now, not the someone who is going to lose 20 lbs in the near future. Let's face it, weight changes often. You'd want to be with a man who will care about you no matter what, whether you lose or gain weight. As for the guy you're interested in now, tell him the truth. The pics are old, I haven't had any newer ones taken and I look a little different that what you see now. When you meet someone in an online setting what you see/read is what you get. It's not till you meet the person you really see what they are like--typing emails and posting favorite pics of yourself you present yourself in your best way that you want to be seen. Not always reality. When I did online dating I posted the most recent pics because I didn't want to lead anyone on, whether I gained or lost those 10 lbs. Good luck with everything, keep us posted on what happened. Link to comment
Jess2006 Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 You could say how long ago you took the pic and that youve gained weight since then. Some guys might care that you gained weight but i doubted they'd care as much as you do. Some guys won't care at all. I'm not sure. I did a lot of online dating in the past. And many of the guys would tell me their "horror" stories where it usually (almost 100% of the time) involved the guy saying that the woman had misrepresented herself by sending pictures when she was fifteen years younger or 20 pounds lighter... That's why I always believed that it was best to show yourself as you truly are. That way there would be no misunderstandings. Link to comment
Jess2006 Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 you need to get a new pic. it's not that hard to. gotta stop pretty much deceiving people or get off the site until you have reached your goal. I agree. This is a form of deceiving people (even if that was not your intentions). Better to come off as who you truly are, or not get on a dating website at all until you reach your goal. Its not about the "astethics" so much. Its about making a good first impression. And I wouldn't be impressed if I met a guy online who was trying to hide who he really was. I would think he would be ashamed of himself... Link to comment
VerdeShimmer Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 you need to get a new pic. it's not that hard to. gotta stop pretty much deceiving people or get off the site until you have reached your goal. I agree with this. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 a buddy of mine does meetups through the internet. i think just through myspace when he's traveling or if someone is really close to his house. (i give him crap for the internet stuff cause i think it's ridiculous which is my own personal preference) anyways, he has told me about girls that put up old pics or pics when they were in shape or had less weight, etc. he was upset and just left the girl on the spot. Link to comment
Jess2006 Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 a buddy of mine does meetups through the internet. i think just through myspace when he's traveling or if someone is really close to his house. (i give him crap for the internet stuff cause i think it's ridiculous which is my own personal preference) anyways, he has told me about girls that put up old pics or pics when they were in shape or had less weight, etc. he was upset and just left the girl on the spot. Yeah, I would have done the same thing if that would have happened to me with a guy(thankfully never did). I know people are trying to make it about beauty and how that doesn’t matter. But that’s not the point; it’s about intentionally and knowingly misrepresenting yourself in order to make someone like you. Not cool! Link to comment
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