Ammy Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Hey guys, So this is bugging me.. I got a contact from an internet dating site, he paid and sent an email and he's cute - not really sure if we'll be compatible, but worth a shot I thought. Anyway we emailed back and forth - very slow - 2 day waits in between and brief emails and then he gave me his number and said we should catch up. I gave him mine and told him I was away for 1 week on hols and told him we should meet up when I get back. 2 days after I got back I got a text - when are we meeting up. I replied - this weekend is hectic, how about one night next week? No reply... So finally 2 days later (fri) I thought what the hell and sent him one more text "did you get my message?". He then replied "sure - but its sounds like you're really busy, don't worry." I was a bit taken aback - this guy and I only emailed like 2 times, no big commitment and yet he expected I dropped everything and met him? Anyway I just said - I'm sorry not usually this busy, I have volunteer work, a concert and farewell for a friend at the weekend, but its cool if you don't want to meet up. No reply, I figured that was the end of it. Then Monday I get a text - "hey there, lets do something this week".. I thought about it and wondered if I should bother.. then I thought I should just give it a go, not like I have sooo many other options. So I replied about 3 hours later "hey, okay when are you free?".. that was last night... and it's now 10pm and no reply.. What on earth is this guy thinking? I mean we haven't even met in person or shared much info and he goes hot and cold for NOOOO reason? Is he seriously upset because I'm not jumping for joy to meet him?! I'm asking more out of curiosity than anything as I don't really have much invested in this, I was never that sure about him... Ammy Link to comment
DN Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Is he seriously upset because I'm not jumping for joy to meet him?! Well, perhaps a little upset that you don't appear very interested. Your lack of enthusiasm is probably coming through loud and clear and he doesn't want to waste his time and money spent on dating someone who is only seeing him for practice before meeting someone she really is interested in. Link to comment
shy2cool Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Why did you wait 3hrs to reply to his msg? Link to comment
Ammy Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 The thing is I waited 3 hours because I was not sure after the way he overreacted the first time. I'm not 100% doing it for practice.. I want to give him a chance.. but he didn't impress me because of his lack of communication - I didn't treat him any differently to other guys I've been interested in and yet they continued to pursue properly. Is "hey, okay when are you free?" really a sign of non interest???? Link to comment
DN Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Communication is a two way street and you are as responsible as him for the way this one went. I don't know what 'pursue properly' means but if you are trying to play hard to get - a number of guys find that really off-putting and just lose interest in someone they think is not interested in them. Life is too short to play those sorts of games. Link to comment
chocolates Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Ammy, ive done a lot of internet dating (and im not proud lol) and the men are the ones that usually find they have to pay for contact- in that women can sit back and be "contacted". Women dont usually pay. And I hear that it gets a bit frustrating i mean - take RSVP for instance and the stamp system- you have to be fairly certain about someone before "risking" a stamp. So really i think he's coming from a fairly reasonable point of view, that he is spending money and wanting to contact enthusiastic women. He might be getting a bit jaded, from the whole thing, and i cant say im that surprised. And meeting up only takes an hour, he probably saw the hectic thing as an excuse. Link to comment
Davie Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 I'd be upset if someone wasn't taking me seriously after having expressed some interest. Would be quite upset actually. Then again... he did the same. Link to comment
karvala Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 I have a completely different take on it - I don't think he's overemotional at all, I think he's just not very interested (or he's got a rather full schedule full of something/someone else), to be honest. If you look at the pattern of communication, he's always taken several days to reply, even at the beginning. The "sure - but its sounds like you're really busy, don't worry" comment was just to excuse himself for a few more days, until he was ready, then a few days later he replied again suggesting you do something, and now it's been a few more days again. I don't think he's hot and cold, I think he's just cold. Link to comment
Davie Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Is "hey, okay when are you free?" really a sign of non interest???? I'd say "Hey there how are you? So how about getting together? When's best for you, Sorry I've been a little busy but I'll try and make some more time That's just my personality though. Link to comment
Davie Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 I have a completely different take on it - I don't think he's overemotional at all, I think he's just not very interested (or he's got a rather full schedule full of something/someone else), to be honest. If you look at the pattern of communication, he's always taken several days to reply, even at the beginning. The "sure - but its sounds like you're really busy, don't worry" comment was just to excuse himself for a few more days, until he was ready, then a few days later he replied again suggesting you do something, and now it's been a few more days again. I don't think he's hot and cold, I think he's just cold. Or has anyone thought just MAYBE he doesn't have a computer? He might be using a friends or a lan house or an internet cafe? Link to comment
chocolates Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 yes i agree, sounds like that might be the case. I was in contact with a guy like that, only on every few days. Was using a cafe Link to comment
Ammy Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 Or has anyone thought just MAYBE he doesn't have a computer? He might be using a friends or a lan house or an internet cafe? No he runs a business and its his business email.. so he has access... I was thinking he wasn't that interested too.. Keeping his options open! I dont think he's totally cold though or otherwise why would he have wasted money contacting me in the first place??! Btw it is the stamp system, so each contact costs money.... I dont expect him to be head over heels after a few emails - thats the point, I'm not... I'm not playing hard to get DN... I guess I'm just a bit jaded myself, I'm usually too eager and nice and get treated like rubbish accordingly, so trying to be more "cool"..... Reading my post back sounds like I'm being a cow and using him, but thats not true.. I do want to make an effort, just not get my hopes up too much!!! Ah I cant win! lol Link to comment
Davie Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 No he runs a business and its his business email.. so he has access... Ahah, well we've got the answer! I work in an office place (I am right now). Luckily I am but a humble administrator ^_^ But I Know the managing director is very busy. If he runs a business then that is possibly why he is not able to respond so often. He's just busy! Silly Billy or... it could be something else... but this is a possibility! ^_^ (- still love this!! XD -) Link to comment
DN Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Of course you can win. Just be open and direct. Suggest a time and place to meet, reply to messages in a timely manner and see if he does the same. It is no good complaining that he isn't showing much interest if you aren't either. If you show interest and he doesn't - then you can decide what to do based on his behaviour. But if you show disinterest you can't properly gauge his level of interest. But I have to say I don't think it is making much of an effort when you say this: I'm asking more out of curiosity than anything as I don't really have much invested in this, he's not really my type besides being the right age and cute.. but I'm just trying to go on a few dates to get a bit more confidence - I'm shy so it helps to get some more experience!! This guy has already spent money to get to know you and he will no doubt spend more if you go out on a date. I just don't see it as fair to pretend to have interest so you can get more experience and confidence. If he isn't your type and you really aren't interested in him then yes, I do think you are using him. Link to comment
Ammy Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 Ahah, well we've got the answer! I work in an office place (I am right now). Luckily I am but a humble administrator ^_^ But I Know the managing director is very busy. If he runs a business then that is possibly why he is not able to respond so often. He's just busy! Silly Billy or... it could be something else... but this is a possibility! ^_^ (- still love this!! XD -) I can rebut this - I've seen him online on the dating site and yet he usually hasn't responded to me. Link to comment
Ammy Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 I feel mean now... but seriously that wasn't my only intention... I dont ever go on a date with someone just for the sake of it and for my ego.. only if I think there is really a possible potential... Sure he doesn't tick all the boxes I usually look for but I did find some things in his profile attractive. I'm totally not using him seriously... And it's not about him spending money on me... I'm not that type of girl! Link to comment
DN Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Please don't misunderstand. I am not saying you want him to spend money on you - but he already has and will expect to spend more if you go on a date. So despite the fact that isn't the reason you want to go out with him - he will still be spending it regardless and he may not want to do that if the person he is seeing isn't interested. But you did say that your main intent was for experience and to gain confidence because he isn't your type. And I think that isn't really fair to him. When you accept a date with someone it is reasonable for them to think that he might be your type and the date is to explore that further. But you already know he isn't and that you are not going out with him for that reason. Link to comment
D_Lish Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 I agree with DN. Don't think you should date people, who don't tick all the boxes for you. It's unfair to lead someone into believing, that you have a real interest in them, when in fact you only have a minimal interest. I think that the guy sensed and senses you don't have 'that' much interest and he's kinda backed off. Link to comment
Ammy Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 Please don't misunderstand. I am not saying you want him to spend money on you - but he already has and will expect to spend more if you go on a date. So despite the fact that isn't the reason you want to go out with him - he will still be spending it regardless and he may not want to do that if the person he is seeing isn't interested. But you did say that your main intent was for experience and to gain confidence because he isn't your type. And I think that isn't really fair to him. When you accept a date with someone it is reasonable for them to think that he might be your type and the date is to explore that further. But you already know he isn't and that you are not going out with him for that reason. DN, I did say that was a reason.. but not a main reason, I edited my post now lol... seriously though, it's not the main reason, if it was, I'd go out with every guy who sends me a contact online, but instead I only reply to about 2% of them - the ones I see as potentials to varying degrees of which he was one. I did see potential in this guy, there was one thing that worried me about him, but I was willing to explore and see if it was such a big deal and reassess... So I wasn't using him as an experiment or tool to enhance my skills, that is just a byproduct of me going out on dates... I probably said it also in my first post to avoid the negative stigma I was expecting to get when ppl said - oh he's not into you - hehe self preservation?! Anyway I truly think it's 2 way not enough interest. He started badly by taking ages to reply, replying too briefly (not even answering questions I asked) - at that stage I was showing more interest - replying with longer more detailed emails, quicker... Then when he asked me out, sure I probably should have made time - but I REALLY did have a busy weekend and i have family stuff going on which precludes me from just ducking out for an hour for coffee with a complete stranger... Anyways I have 2 options now: 1. Leave it 2. Text again and try and sound more interested I'm thinking option 1 is better... because to be honest I think he's playing games too and I'll just come out looking desperate if I go with option 2... Still willing to hear other advice and feedback! Ammy Link to comment
agburns84 Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Hey Ammy, There's certainly nothing mean about you at all and there's nothing wrong with being in abit of a quandry about this guy - seems you are a naturally selective and cautious person when going about your online dating and that's a great thing! You were good for writing longer emails as nothing is more of a let down, particularly in the early stages, than getting lots of quick and brief emails. Family issues always come first and I think it's up to the other party to understand and rearrange another time with you accordingly. And whatever you decide to do about this guy, it's another experience and learning curve for you! Just thought I'd send some encouraging words your way, many best wishes Link to comment
shy2cool Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Ammy, ive done a lot of internet dating (and im not proud lol) and the men are the ones that usually find they have to pay for contact- in that women can sit back and be "contacted". Women dont usually pay. And I hear that it gets a bit frustrating i mean - take RSVP for instance and the stamp system- you have to be fairly certain about someone before "risking" a stamp. So really i think he's coming from a fairly reasonable point of view, that he is spending money and wanting to contact enthusiastic women. He might be getting a bit jaded, from the whole thing, and i cant say im that surprised. And meeting up only takes an hour, he probably saw the hectic thing as an excuse. Quoted for truth! I am about to purchase some stamps and am thinking about using them wisely. Link to comment
Ammy Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 Quoted for truth! I am about to purchase some stamps and am thinking about using them wisely. YAY good on you my shy friend.... FINALLY you take some of my advice.. hehehehehe let me know how you go! (Oh wait, I'm sure you will!!) Ammy Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 I tihnk you need to adjust your standards. What's the big deal in meeting someone in person for coffee for 45 minutes to see if it makes sense to go on a date -- where the standard is "I think I could have a pleasant conversation with this person and nothing about our e-mails, phone call or his profile showed any red flags/dealbreakers". You're trying to evaluate potential for a relationship based on typing and I'm not so sure that can be done effectively. I think it's fine that you were on vacation and then busy but typically you can set aside a random hour to meet for coffee, can't you? Link to comment
Ammy Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 I tihnk you need to adjust your standards. What's the big deal in meeting someone in person for coffee for 45 minutes to see if it makes sense to go on a date -- where the standard is "I think I could have a pleasant conversation with this person and nothing about our e-mails, phone call or his profile showed any red flags/dealbreakers". You're trying to evaluate potential for a relationship based on typing and I'm not so sure that can be done effectively. I think it's fine that you were on vacation and then busy but typically you can set aside a random hour to meet for coffee, can't you? Batya, That is what I'm trying to do - not be so focused on criteria, hence giving it a go with a greater range of people... I'm not saying he has to or can tick boxes on email.. As for 1 hour for coffee... It's complicated and sounds weird but I have constraints at the moment with family. What is a couple more days? I suggested the following week?! I sometimes feel no matter how I respond to men it's wrong?! I'm too eager and theyre not interested, I'm too cool and then I'm giving them the wrong signals... Ammy Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 I think a few more days is fine. What worked best for me was one or two emails, one phone call, meet within a week. In your situation it's dragged on much longer than that and I think that is one of the problems. Link to comment
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