What to do with myself until then ? And how am I suposed to feel about what he does ?

[Blue.Paradise]

On and off for the past few years, i have always been thinking about suicide, i tend to go through moments of 'positiveness' and then 'negativeness'. I'm not quite sure if I'm a dramatic, however when I tend to get down, it seems as if its the end of the world, or probably it seems so because when I'm in those moods all the problems I have ever had in my life seem to haunt me. So, I'm guessing when all your problems of your life come up at once, it is o.k. to say it seems like the end of the world ?

 

But anyways that is not my main problem. My main problem is the fact that nearly anything that has a link to one of my depressive problems can trigger a depression moment (which on average last about a day to 2 to 3 days, Thank God only that much) and as much as I would adore to commit suicide to be in peace in a better demention/world, I know I simply can't.

Somehow, I just simply know that my future holds great things for me, but not only for me, but for whomever crosses my path as well, its an unmistakeable feeling I have that someday I will be able to help many fellow human beings. Now I'm not exactly sure what my feeling entails, but I'm guessing it has something to do with doing humanatarian work.

 

So my question is, what can I do to keep myself sane and well away from the brinks of death so that I can fulfill my destiny? What can I do with myself until then ?

 

 

And another thing I would love to know what to do about...

What do you do when your soul mate, the only one he loves, whom says you are his life, his reason to live, the best thing that has ever hapenned to him and future husband spends countless time telling you about your negative aspects only, mitakes you make...

I love him ever so dearly, but, within the past few months it seems as if he's been spending most of our conversations to tell me about what I do wrong, my negative aspects, like how I always make the same mistakes, how I'm selfish, how I lack consideration for others around me, how I am blind-sided about life, & basically everything negative about me.

 

As much as I understand why he does it (in hope that I will be able to change those aspects a bit so that there would be less tensions between us and for myself), & I can admit that I am everything he says I am (thought maybe he exaggerates a tad or maybe I'm in denial).

But, it hurts me soooo much that all he ever has to say about me to me are the negative things, he says I am his life, though if I am, he makes me feel as if I'm a burden for all the troubles I cause/d him, that I am empty with nothing good. How could you be someones life and be the best thing about their life and there be nothing good about you, only burdens?

 

Back before this started or before he started to have enough of the things I do, he was what kept me alive and well, but now, not that I have told him or want to, he is not helping me at battling my wish for death. Whenever I tell him I feel really down & really wish I could simply die, he always reminds me of how he could not live without me if I died (which I do not doubt one single moment), but how could he treat me this way to avoid me feeling down?

 

 

Am I unreasonable to feel hurt by his attempts to 'help' which is bit by bit destroying the very little of me that is left?

 

 

Any comments would be greatly appreciated, Thank you very much =]

 

P.S. I'm extremely sorry for the long text and several questions

[Nkaleidoscopic]

1. I don't believe in destiny, but I do believe life is not a flat line. Things do and will happen to you. Good things, bad things. And as I've heard from almost ever senior - it only gets better. Great things will happen. You don't want to miss them. Death is a flatline. It's nothing, darkness, boring. And if you're Christian, it's hell. By committing suicide you are going to the exact place you don't want to be.

 

2. I think your mentality is too radical - you're either suicidal or this great humanitarian. I'm not mocking your life goal - it's a great goal. But it won't "happen to you". If you want to achieve this it's something you need to work on every day. But in the mean time I think you need to find a way to feel just ok. Not great, not horrible, just ok. Be content with life, and then you can have it flourish.

 

3. You should not change for anyone. I know this sounds cliche, and I know you probably might want to change, but you should only do it by your own choice. I don't find it appropriate for a significant other who is supposed to love you unconditionally to tell you what traits are bad. I have a bit of personal expirience with this one. I had similar emotional rollercoasters like you a couple years ago, and my boyfriend at the time was a great guy - I was sure we'd always be toghether. He was caring and nice to everyone, but he also found my emotions over the top. He'd always tell me to stop this, stop that. Stop your depression. Stop your suicidal thoughts. From my personal expirience, as much as I wanted, I just couldn't. What I needed was someone to listen, therapy, more therapy, and love. He did love me, but he wasn't what was best for me. You need someone that will say - look, it's ok that you're not ok, that you have bad thoughts and you have emotional problems. I want you to get better, but in the mean time - it's ok.

 

My 3 cents, hope that helped.

[somethngwrng]

I agree. I have met people like you who think life will come to them. You make your life. If you don't put one foot forward, you won't ever move.