I Was Raped By My Brother, Do I Tell My Boyfriend?

[hiphop3]

You might not end up with this bf. Do not tell a soul. Talk to your mom. Ask her if you should tell anyone. She will advice you well. Can you tell your mom what happened? It is better to be in you home than outside of your home where others know.

 

are you saying she shouldn't go to therapy too?

i get it if she doesn't want to tell any one with in her circle but she should at least get professional help.

[hiphop3]

I think his reaction is a build-in feeling of shame. Obviously, i'm not saying that he doesn't understand anything, but that he cannot control what he's doing because he's 12.

 

uhh ya ok. again, disagree. you can control your actions when you're 12. give me a break.

any ways, that's how i'm going to leave it.

either way, he damaged his little sister.

best to not go off topic.

[saltandvinegar]

I feel it is necessary because it's eating me up inside, I can trust him, confide in him and I know, for a fact, this will not end our relationship. I'm not saying either that it will become stronger, I guess I just need to get this off my my chest after 10+ years and I can confide in him.

 

 

there is no doubt that telling him is going to result in a huge drama.

 

You need to tell SOMEONE about this, a counsellor, but not your boyfriend just yet.

 

My guess is that if you tell your boyfriend you might find he is up on some kind of assault charge a few hours later. He will go straight for your brother.

[sHiNiNgxStAr]

are you saying she shouldn't go to therapy too?

i get it if she doesn't want to tell any one with in her circle but she should at least get professional help.

 

 

 

Please read my previous posts, I told her to seek counseling. Counseling is confidential.

[CAgirl]

I think that when you told your boyfriend you might end up hurting him because he can't do anything about it and he won't ever think of your brother in the same way ever.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I think you made up your mind to tell him, then I don't see why you posted this! if you really trust him and want to get it out of your chest tell, but as hiphop said you never know where your relationships goes and maybe one day you wish you never disclosed this information. It is up to you tho at the end, but keep in mind he may not necessarily be able to help you get out of this in the right way!

[ashley001]

I think that when you told your boyfriend you might end up hurting him because he can't do anything about it and he won't ever think of your brother in the same way ever.

 

this is the only thing holding me back

[CAgirl]

this is the only thing holding me back

 

Ultimately it is your choice but you have to remember that it will hurt your bf.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I think you should tell your bf BUT you should seek conselling first to sort out your feelings and get things straightened out. After a year of counselling, I'd tell him.

 

Also, I'd charge your brother. He could very easily do what he did to you to other little girls. I was 12 when I was in 7th grade. I KNEW that what he did was wrong then.

[Samedy]

this is the only thing holding me back

 

So then maybe you should go to a counselor first? In the very least they can give you advice on how to tell people who are close to you.

[DaBladeRoden]

I think if you told your bf you would kind of implicitly be putting pressure on him to do something about it, expecially if you aren't going to. A guy will feel like a lousy boyfriend if he just goes "Oh darn! Oh wells." at the news that his gf was raped by someone he knew, even if it was a long time ago.

[tiredofvampires]

You might not end up with this bf. Do not tell a soul. Talk to your mom. Ask her if you should tell anyone. She will advice you well. Can you tell your mom what happened? It is better to be in you home than outside of your home where others know.

 

In some cultures, rape is such a great shame, a woman is essentially unmarriageable if she is raped. No offense to any culture, but the modern prevailing attitude is that a woman isn't "damaged goods" if she's raped or molested (which I believe is the term that applies here, since rape is forced penetration), and that keeping this as a dark, deep secret only increases her sense of shame. Shame being a cause for suicide in many cases. You cannot "pray away" the feeling of shame usually, and are lucky if you can continue to survive with that being so repressed. I think it's very inadvisable to "carry this deep dark secret to your grave" because it only keeps the ugliness of the feeling inside and doesn't allow it to be cauterized by the light of getting it out and having the person/people who love you comfort you and accept you. Shiningstar, anyone who tells their partner a secret of this nature and that person leaves them is not in a relationship of unconditional love, and that is very sad and tragic. Rape awareness is about getting the feelings inside out in the open. Shame thrives on secrecy.

 

I'm sorry, yes, I am Catholic, went to Catholic school, I pray, I believe in God, but I just don't agree on keeping it to myself and just doing counseling. Situations are different for different people. People don't cope in the same ways.

 

Good Ashley, I'm glad you recognize this for yourself.

 

I think you should tell your boyfriend. I would do it if I were you. It's part of him knowing everything about you, especially the things that hurt you in your life and affected you. But I would try to arrange it so that he won't be seeing your brother for a while after that, so he can get his mind around it and you can have multiple discussions about how he/you feel. You should tell him just what you've told us here, that you don't want to press charges, and that this is now between you and him, not you, him and your brother or the law.

 

YOU are the one who gets to choose here who gets involved, the power is in your hands. You don't need to press charges, and your boyfriend will have to respect YOUR wishes in that regard even if he's angry. He will have to process his anger privately with you, and if that's too much, then the two of you should speak to a counselor as a couple. Which might be a good idea to do anyway, especially if you fear sex because of this. Do you feel that if you tell your boyfriend, and you two have time to work through the subject, that you'll be afraid of the physical aspects of sex? Does the rape still haunt you in ways that you feel are detrimental to your life? If so, speaking to a counselor on your own or with your boyfriend is very much advisable.

 

Probably the best course of action is to start counseling on your own in addition to broaching it to your boyfriend. A counselor might better be able to tell you (and him) how to deal with relating with your brother from now on.

 

I AM curious though why you don't want to ever bring this up with your brother though, since you say you're close. Why not? This is a serious thing he's done and I think in an ongoing relationship it should be addressed. Perhaps an apology and remorse on his end could be very healing to you (and might also put your boyfriend's mind more at peace), but also I think he just has some accounting to do, even if it's not legal in nature.

[tiredofvampires]

I notice a lot of posters are advising you not tell your bf because he will want to take matters into his own hands. Or because it will hurt him and you need to spare him.

 

If you trust your bf, which you said you do, you must be able to trust that at the end of the day, he's going to do what YOU need most and want most. You have to know that his personality is such that if you say, "I need to tell you something that must never go farther than us, because it's very important to me that I tell you this, as my confidente and significant other, but it would greatly hurt me if you told anyone else" he will respect that even if he has his emotions to grapple with. That's what TRUST is, that he is responsible for his feelings and that he is capable of respecting your needs and wishes.

 

Do you think he's a type of person who has this kind of self control and respect for your positions/wishes/views?

 

I am a firm believer that we should be able to tell our significant others our darkest secrets and that they are able to share that secret, and keep it secret.

[babii doll]

i had something similar happen, except from a male cousin when i was 8 years old and he was 13. not actual sex but other things including forced oral. but it had the opposite effect on me sexually i became really promiscuous after and had a nervous breakdown.

 

other than a counselor, i never told a soul about this until i met my current boyfriend and im so glad i could confide in him about my past after keeping that a secret for so many years.

 

recently that cousins mother passed, i hadnt seen or talked to him in years but i wanted to be their for my aunts funeral since we were somewhat close, my bf and i showed up at the funeral and seen him in the front row, it brought back so many bad memories but i managed to pull myself together, partially thanks to my bfs support.

 

i strongly suggest counseling, it helped out alot.

[dumbblonde88]

First of all I dont know what state you live in but it is quite possible that the statute of limitations is already up so if word ever got out your brother probably couldn't be charged legally. If you were 9 the last time and you are 19 now that is ten years and dont quote me but I'm pretty sure that's pushing it for the limit in most states.

As for what you need to do, I agree the first step is to talk to a licensed therapist. There are some really amazing people out there specially trained in this sort of area.

The second thing you need to do is confront your abuser. I think that this should be done in a controlled environment, probably best with your therapist, that way he or she can help you AND your brother sort through the emotions that arise from this. I also feel that you should bring your parents in on the situation. This is something that occurred within the constructs of your family and I think EVERYONE including your brother needs to be involved in helping you heal this terrible wound.

As far as your boyfriend is concerned, this is something your therapist can better advise you on but if I was in your situation I would hold off sex until you start to heal from the violation you underwent. Once you feel comfortable talking about this to your therapist and family you will be better able to speak the words if the time comes that you are ready to tell your boyfriend.

I'm so sorry and my heart goes out to you! Please dont take this to your grave. The shame, disgust, and violation will only hurt you emotionally if you hold on to it.

[kaoticbaby]

as far as him going to jail, im pretty sure the statue of limitations is up for this one, so you don't have to worry about that.

 

it just depends on how you will be able to function in the relationship if you keep this from your boyfriend. if this will keep you from having a good sexual relationship, i say you should tell your boyfriend. but if you think you can keep it from affecting your relationship, the you do not necessarily need to tell your boyfriend about it now.

 

however, i would definitely suggest counseling for this. it can't be easy keeping all of this inside for so long.

[Maverick32x]

I work with Juvenile Sex Offenders ( Offenders who commit under the age of 18). So I have a little experience with this type of situation.... except from the other angle... but from what I can gather, you should NOT talk to your boyfriend alone under ANY circumstances.. so I'm just going to squash that idea right now....

 

I would 100% go to a therapist and talk to them about this!!!

 

How long have you been with your BF? If this is a "just starting" relationship, I really wouldnt start to bring in extra variables until you've completely worked things out on your end.....

 

you need to get these problems worked out.. trying to hide them and push them deep down inside is only going to make them worse and potentially could ruin your relationship with your BF.....

[Lecturer]

I really don't know if I'm qualified to give advice on this, but there are some things I want to say.

 

First, I'm very sorry this happened to you. Everything you are feeling sounds very natural and normal. You sound like a very strong person that has dealt with this well, considering the circumstances.

 

Second, I don't agree with people here trying to make your brother into a villain. He was 12/13.. he was not an adult that understood the magnitude of what he was doing. Our society perverts sex, through taboos and un-natural requirements... its not uncommon for young people's sexual behavior to be unusual. I have heard of many cases where young women do similar things, as the societal effects I mentioned are even stronger on them. Now, what he did was NOT RIGHT.. don't think I'm trying to justify his actions... I'm just trying to say that I don't think punishing him or wishing him harm will help, although it sounds like you already knows this. At some point along the way in his life, he probably came to a horrific realization of what he did, and how he harmed you. He may have blocked it from his memory, as a self-coping mechanism to deal with the guilt too. Honestly, I feel sorry for you both, and I recognize that sometimes there is nobody to blame, and that is tough for most people to deal with.

 

I believe that the big issue here is that you want to not have secrets from your BF, and that is wonderful. Unfortunately, it puts you in a difficult predicament with this situation.

 

I think the very best procedure would be to do the following the steps, in order:

 

1. Seek counseling to understand the magnitude of how this affected you and your relationships/sexuality.

2. When ready, and if your relationship permits, talk to your brother. The goal is to have him apologize, and you to forgive him. This may take a LONG time and many conversations. Perhaps go to counseling with him.

3. Once items above are satisfied, and you have put it behind you, then tell your BF everything, with emphasis that your brother should be pitied, not hated, and that the person that committed the offense is no longer the person he is today. Emphasize that the next stage of your healing is for your BF to give you understanding and compassion, not vengeance and retribution.

[Beautiful Nightmare]

Im very sorry you have to deal with this, and I think it’s obvious from your posts that you’re ready to tell someone about what happened to you.

 

I think it’d be wise for you to seek counseling. Then after awhile – probably 6 months to a year - when you’ve sorted your feelings out and decided what to do, you should ask your boyfriend to go to a session with you. Then you can tell him everything, but you’ll have your counselor there to help reassure you that you’re doing the right thing, and she’ll also be there to help your boyfriend deal with this in a healthy way. I think this is especially important because like others have said, when he finds out he’ll likely be filled with rage and want to hurt your brother. No good can come from that.

 

I also think you should confront your brother about this, even though I imagine that would be painful and just so confusing. You were 6 and your brother was 12. Maybe you think he didn’t know what he was doing, maybe you feel he’s grown up enough to realize what a horrible thing he’s done to you. You don’t want to hurt him. He is, after all, your brother. But you can’t keep putting his well-being before yours. You were hurt in an unimaginable way and your brother needs to repent for that. Maybe not legally, but you need to let him know that what he did was not OK and that you haven’t forgotten.

 

Honestly, I don’t think you’ll ever fully heal until you face this ghost from your past directly. I don’t know what your relationship with your parents it like and I know you probably don’t want to bring shame to your brother, but perhaps you should also let them know what happened. Together as a family maybe you can finally get some peace from all of this.

 

Whatever you do, please, please get counseling. This is something that no one should have to deal with alone, and I cant imagine what a burden its been keeping it to yourself all these years. Now’s the time to confront your past and heal your wounds so you can move on.

 

I truly hope you figure things out.

[thistime]

I had a similar thing happen to me with my brother also. i did tell my ex husband...after we were married, but I havent told my bf. i went to therapy, but the trauma gave me a self esteem problem, which has created both permiscuity, and a 'fear' of intimacy...both. Please get couseling...and I dont think I would 'confront" your brother about it. i'm sure he probably hasnt forgotten, but maybe he thinks you have. Either way...I have never said anything to my Mother, or my bnrother, or any other member of my family. I too love my brother, and I'm pretty sure he need(ed) help too, but at this point...thats his issues to deal with. Help yourself!! Find a therepist and talk about it. when you have learned to move through it, then if you and your bf have gotten closer...maybe even been intimate, you can tell him that you were abused...but maybe not by whom. and remember...what you will have with your boyfriend is an epression of LOVE!!! Nothing like what happened with your brother.

[purple frog]

I think that when you told your boyfriend you might end up hurting him because he can't do anything about it and he won't ever think of your brother in the same way ever.

 

I agree with this, but I don't think that you should keep it to yourself either, especially as it is likely to affect your relationship with your boyfriend. However, he's likely to either confront your brother or try to persuade you to report it - and I'm assuming you don't want either of those (would you consider talking to your brother about it and asking him why?)

 

I do think that you should think about counselling, as it's clearly affecting your life, and is more than any child should haver to deal with.

 

Could you tell your boyfriend what happened but that it was an older family friend or someone you no longer know or see, and ask him to respect your wishes not to report it?