ashley001 Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Hi all, This is a very sensitive subject for me and whenever I even think about it, it brings tears to my eyes. When I was about 6, I was raped by my brother multiple times, he never penetrated inside of me, only touched my chest, vagina and rubbed his penis against my butt. At that age, I didn't know what he was doing at all, I knew something was wrong, but he was my brother, I trusted him. At the time he was around 12/13. I'm now 19 and have never forgotten the many times my parents left us alone...I remember so vividly his semen and him taking off my clothes and how he told me that this is what brothers and sisters did. I remember telling him to stop and how he ignored me. I remember him hearing my parents in the driveway and him hurrying to 'clean up'. And now, I wish that my parents had caught him. I don't remember how long this went on for, I can just estimate...until I was 8 or 9. I love my brother, but I am still so hurt by this. Never again has he EVER done anything to cross the line. And I think he thinks that I've forgotten, or maybe he's forgotten, I don't know. Thing is, I'm not in a serious relationship with a man I love so deeply. We have been friends since the 9th grade and have been together for 2 years. There is absolutely NOTHING we don't know about each other...accept this. I have 2 issues, with this: 1) my boyfriends relationship with my brother...obviously he is going to see my brother differently. their relationship now is so-so, it's on a "hey what's up?" kinda level, but I know this relationship is serious and they will be seeing a lot more of each other. and 2) sex with my boyfriend...my boyfriend and I have gone as close as it gets to sex without having it. And, I want to have sex, we're bother more than ready and I've just been avoiding it, because of what happened with my brother. I'm afraid that when it comes time for sex, I'll break down, I don't even know. I'm just hurt and nobody knows this and I want my boyfriend to know, I'm just concerned with how he will view my brother. Input? Thoughts? Advice? Comfort? Anything would be appreciated. Link to comment
sHiNiNgxStAr Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 No- do not tell your boyfriend. Ask God to take away that memory from you. I came from a country where rape was a weapon in order to spread the seed of that nationality. Many many women who were even virgins were raped and they asked God to take away their memory and pain of that moment. Do not tell a soul -only pray. You are not obligated to tell anyone. I told my bf a secret and he didnt want to have anything to do with me. Take it to your grave. I will pray for you. Your brother will be punished for what he did- he actually is punished already because he did that. Link to comment
CAgirl Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 I'm so sorry. What your brother did was horrible. It makes me so sad that you had to go through that. As for telling your boyfriend, How do you know that he won't be angry with your brother? I know if I was in his (your boyfriend's) place I'd would be furious at your brother. Link to comment
sHiNiNgxStAr Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 I'm so sorry. What your brother did was horrible. It makes me so sad that you had to go through that. As for telling your boyfriend, How do you know that he won't be angry with your brother? I know if I was in his (your boyfriend's) place I'd would be furious at your brother. Oh I'm sure he would want to kill him. Link to comment
hiphop3 Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 firstly, do you think it is necessary to tell your bf? if you two do have sex, and you freak out, then you may have to explain. will this benefit your relationship? bring you closer? this is a very dark private secret, make sure you will not regret disclosing this information to another. if i were in your position, i would consider how i would feel after telling my bf, and if i would regret it if we broke up. also, talk to a professional! that is most important. Link to comment
ashley001 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 I'm so sorry. What your brother did was horrible. It makes me so sad that you had to go through that. As for telling your boyfriend, How do you know that he won't be angry with your brother? I know if I was in his (your boyfriend's) place I'd would be furious at your brother. and that's what i'm afraid of. i don't know why i care so much about their relationship, I just don't want my boyfriend to look at my brother differently, even though it seems inevitable. Link to comment
saltandvinegar Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 In reality, if this gets out its likely your boyfriend will be charged, or at least reported by your boyfriend. I imagine thats the first thig your boyfriend will do, I mean your brother wasnt that young, at 13. Link to comment
Sparkly Eyes Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 I am really sorry ashley, but in my opinion you REALLY SHOULD go to counseling. sexual assault at a young age is not sth someone can easily handle with, esp when the guy is your own brother. I don't think you need to tell your boyfriend. Just go to counseling, maybe if counselor thought it was needed ask your brother to come to sessions too. Link to comment
ashley001 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 firstly, do you think it is necessary to tell your bf? if you two do have sex, and you freak out, then you may have to explain. will this benefit your relationship? bring you closer? this is a very dark private secret, make sure you will not regret disclosing this information to another. if i were in your position, i would consider how i would feel after telling my bf, and if i would regret it if we broke up. I feel it is necessary because it's eating me up inside, I can trust him, confide in him and I know, for a fact, this will not end our relationship. I'm not saying either that it will become stronger, I guess I just need to get this off my my chest after 10+ years and I can confide in him. Link to comment
ut_longhorn Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 I'm sorry to hear what happened to you. I have no siblings, so I have no idea what the true dynamics between a brother and a sister is...but its easy to ascertain that incest is a big no no. Now wether it was your brother or any other 12 year old that did this to you, at 6 years old, I'm sure it was quite traumatic. Maybe you should talk to a counselor or a priest to get some therapy? As for confronting your brother with it...sheesh. That's a toughie. Maybe this needs to be hashed out between you and a confrontation by you followed up with an apology by him would somehow alleviate your emotional walls. I am no psychologist so please take my advice with a grain of salt. Link to comment
Samedy Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 I think you should speak to a counselor first or a support group. If you tell your boyfriend you will be turning him into that role. There are also so few correct responses on his part, from wanting to hurt your brother to acceptance (which could be mistaken for indifference). I do think it is important for you to tell someone though. You might be able to find some information at a woman's centre (if you are in College or Uni they should have some around campus). There are probably better people on this site to tell you where you can find those resources. Link to comment
ashley001 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 You guys are talking about charging him and him going to jail...i don't want that. AT ALL. Link to comment
Creative Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 He was 12, I doubt he knows what he's doing aside from getting a bit turned on by his little sister's body parts. Since he stopped it when he got to 13, I would think he just developed the ability to stop his action after he know what is wrong with it. The last thing we should blame on is a 12 year old's action. It'd be different, however, if he's like 15. Link to comment
sHiNiNgxStAr Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 You guys are talking about charging him and him going to jail...i don't want that. AT ALL. Thats why I told you do not tell a soul. My friend went through this and she took my advice. She is happily married- her past was buried after she prayed and prayed and she did counseling too, where they do not disclose your information. Please please please take my advice, I know her situation and it is the same as yours! Link to comment
hiphop3 Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 I feel it is necessary because it's eating me up inside, I can trust him, confide in him and I know, for a fact, this will not end our relationship. I'm not saying either that it will become stronger, I guess I just need to get this off my my chest after 10+ years and I can confide in him. no no, i don't think he would break up with you b/c of this either. but i mean if down the road, say you parted ways for whatever reason, would you look back and be like "damn! i wish he didn't have that info on me now that we're not together." ? Link to comment
hiphop3 Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 He was 12, I doubt he knows what he's doing aside from getting a bit turned on by his little sister's body parts. Since he stopped it when he got to 13, I would think he have conscious ability to stop his action. The last thing we should blame on is a 12 year old's action. It'd be different, however, if he's like 15. i don't think so..12 yrs old..that's being in gr 7 or 8! i'm sorry but i have to STRONGLY disagree with you here. you have some concept of sex and right and wrong when you're that age. hence why he would freak out when the parents came home. Link to comment
sHiNiNgxStAr Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 He was 12, I doubt he knows what he's doing aside from getting a bit turned on by his little sister's body parts. Since he stopped it when he got to 13, I would think he have conscious ability to stop his action. The last thing we should blame on is a 12 year old's action. It'd be different, however, if he's like 15. Whatever, I knew what I was doing at age 11. I got my freaking period when I was 10. PS: THAT MEANS YOU CAN HAVE CHILDREN AT 10. He remembers very well what he did. Link to comment
ashley001 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 Thats why I told you do not tell a soul. My friend went through this and she took my advice. She is happily married- her past was buried after she prayed and prayed and she did counseling too, where they do not disclose your information. Please please please take my advice, I know her situation and it is the same as yours! I'm sorry, yes, I am Catholic, went to Catholic school, I pray, I believe in God, but I just don't agree on keeping it to myself and just doing counseling. Situations are different for different people. People don't cope in the same ways. Link to comment
Creative Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 i don't think so..12 yrs old..that's being in gr 7 or 8! Grade 6 to be precise. Link to comment
hiphop3 Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Grade 6 to be precise. i was 10 when i was in gr 6. either way, gr 6 you even know what's going on. Link to comment
CAgirl Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 You guys are talking about charging him and him going to jail...i don't want that. AT ALL. Do you feel like you need to talk to your brother though? Does your brother have kids? Link to comment
ashley001 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 Do you feel like you need to talk to your brother though? Does your brother have kids? I don't want to talk to my brother at all. He's 25 now. Just living in an apartment nearby going to school. We're very close, I would say we grew up as normal siblings after this. Link to comment
sHiNiNgxStAr Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 I'm sorry, yes, I am Catholic, went to Catholic school, I pray, I believe in God, but I just don't agree on keeping it to myself and just doing counseling. Situations are different for different people. People don't cope in the same ways. You might not end up with this bf. Do not tell a soul. Talk to your mom. Ask her if you should tell anyone. She will advice you well. Can you tell your mom what happened? It is better to be in you home than outside of your home where others know. Link to comment
ashley001 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 You might not end up with this bf. Do not tell a soul. Talk to your mom. Ask her if you should tell anyone. She will advice you well. Can you tell your mom what happened? It is better to be in you home than outside of your home where others know. I'm not close with my mom, we have a good relationship, but it was never the kind to be able to tell her everything. I would feel extremely uncomfortable talking to her. And even if I didn't end up with this boyfriend, what is so bad about him knowing? Link to comment
Creative Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 i'm sorry but i have to STRONGLY disagree with you here. you have some concept of sex and right and wrong when you're that age. hence why he would freak out when the parents came home. I think his reaction is a build-in feeling of shame. Obviously, i'm not saying that he doesn't understand anything, but that he cannot control what he's doing because he's 12. If we were put blame on, it'd be your parents. It's like prison, there's the youth prison that gets sentenced minimally because they obviously don't know what they're doing. And then there's adult's prison where the people who goes in is assumed responsibility for their own action. I mean... at 12, he's nowhere close to being a youth. Link to comment
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