Chance? No chance? Sparkie got his girl back...I don't know if I can get my guy back. Help me...

[kitchty]

So after countless hours reading through many posts, lying in bed thinking and thinking and being unable to sleep, I think it is time for me to share my little story.

 

author's note: I guess I am being a little defensive...I know my story is not going to be unique or worth more consideration than others. Having been on this board made me realize this (being dumped, etc, wanting a second chance) happens to everybody. thereforee, I really appreciate anyone who reads this and gives me their opinion.

 

 

I also read a few posts by Superdave, Majord and Sparkie, and I am currently inspired by Sparkie's story. My main question here for everybody is "Do I stand a chance if I do what Sparkie does?" because

 

A. I am a girl. and you alll know, girls are not supposed to chase guys. guys

don't like being chased (in general)

B. There is OW. She does not reciprocate my ex's feelings, but that does not really seem to help my situation anyways.

c. How could you fall back in love if there is no more novelty, and when you already fall out of love with someone? How can my ex get a different impression of the new me or fall in love with me again if he already knows who I am?

D. How major is my offenses in your opinion?

So I will tell my story and try to be as brief as possible. But it is going to be long....

 

I will refer to me as Miss A, my ex is Mr. H and the other woman is Miss N. The story start when they all were college freshman. They are currently grad students, except for A who is looking for a job (but is actually moping and depressed and have not been looking for a job for about 2 months..still coping with the break up.)

 

 

Stuff I think I did that damaged the relationship will be in bold. I know H did some bad stuff too..but I will leave that up to you guys to see.

 

Fall 2004, October H fell for N and got rejected right away but N agrees to stay friends. H was still head over heels with N.

 

2004 November. N went out with a guy but H was still head over heel and will be till he get together with A the following summer.

 

2005 summer A had no place to stay on campus. A spoke to H and H agreed to put her up. A lived in the same room as H, and they were not even friends at that point. H just put her up without asking for anything in return. H paid rent. A thought she would split it with him but A was broke and since H did not seem to mind A just let it be A and H was attracted to each other. They talked. They went on dates, H paid for everything,

 

 

 

fall 2005 A was emotionally dependent on H at that point. A and H lived in different dorms but A basically spent most of her time in H's tiny room. A took up most of his drawers, did pastel drawing in H's room. there were pastel dusts everywhere and sometimes H could not go to bed until A decided to stop drawing and go to bed...and that is usually 5-6 am. They took many trips as well...H planned them and paid for them all. A had many many fights with H just because H went out to play video games with the guys and came home late like 3 am often. how stupid of A..because otherwise H was great.

 

Spring 2006 H was out of money in his savings account. Still has his allowances for semester so things continue as they did. He took A out to dinner and paid and what not. at the end of that academic year H had to help A move her boxes to storage. A was too lazy to plan it and since H was there A just left it to him. Not that A thought she was going to take advantage of him...she was barely aware of it. She just did what was easy for her...and that is bad..

 

The same pattern continues through the years. H paid for EVERYTHING--rent, groceries, utilities. Worse, he let A use his credit card and A maxed it out TWICE. A basically took advantage of H because it was easy for her. A wa also very immature and demanding. She picked many fights out of small issues, such as H not buying her a dress or H asking if A and H live separately so H could be with his college friends. She also expected H to take care of most things for her..like get her resume paper and picking her up when she missed a bus and did not have an alternative plan, (A did not even have extra money in case she needs a taxi.) There were times when H could not take care of her because he was busy, and A would flip out of him when that happened. A did not realize how immature she was then but she does realize now..... and starting from spring 2007 H slowly fell back in love with N, bit by bit. they started hanging out more and more. A was not aware...A thought they were just friends.

 

 

Summer 2008 H paid rent, as usual. H visited N in Massachusette and they went whale watching, etc. A knew all this and started to feel that H was not in the relationship with her anymore but A was in denial. When H came back A nagged at him "Why did you go see her but said you were not sure you would come see me when I go to RISD later this summer". H broke up with A but A begged him to take her back again. A and H fought a lot the following months because H would not come see A in Rhode Island for their 3rd anniversary H went away with family for summer vacation and spent more time picking a souvenir for N than for A. Heck, he was going to buy a $100 dress for her but nothing as expensive for me.

 

Fall 2008 A was looking for a job while H is in grad school They lived together, H was still paying rent. The spending habit, emotional dependence and general messiness on A's part continued H went salsa dancing with N every week. A was too preoccupied with job search and shopping. H looked forward to hanging out with N more and more. The final blow came when A kept complaining/crying about being rejected from a gig and when A lost her waitressing job and asked for H's full financial support. H was still there for another week, till A nagged him about going salsa dancing and going to concert with N while not wanting to go for dinner with A. H broke up with A, this time for good. "I don't feel the same way for you anymore" said H. H also said he left because he was not happy with A, not because he left for N "Even of I like N, I would not have pursued it if we worked out", said H.

 

3 weeks after the breakup, H asked N out. N rejected him.

But does not matter. H is now head over heels again, with N, right where he was in his freshman year.

 

A realized, for the first time, how much she hurt H. She tried to do little things for him, to be a good company and take interest in his games/video games and tv series he likes, clean the house for him, and is currently selling her designer handbags to pay him back.

 

But to no avail

H spent Christmas and NYE with his friends.

 

H recently cancelled a dinner with A for N even though A booked him first. " I will cancel anyone for her (N) and I won't make plan with you any more because you get upset when I cancel you", said H to A on that one. A let herself become a doormat and apologized for being angry, even though A knows she should not have apologized.

 

H currently said that N is his "true love". A is hurt. He said it as if 3 years together did not mean anything.

 

H feels he is no good because N does not love him. He is unhappy with N. He would get excited when N wants to hang out, but always comes back unhappy and unfulfilled. N does not respond to emails promptly and for years, has been taking H's thoughtful gifts without getting anything back. But N is always sweet when they hang out, according to H. A thinks N is intriguing because she is something H cannot and she is aloof + indifferent.

 

H is still affectionate with A and still calls A by their pet names. A and H still cuddles and H still let A stay in his apartment indefinitely. Heck, he even lets A sleep in his room if she feels lonely/could not fall asleep. BUT this is not FWB situation. H no longer has sex with A even though A tries to seduce him sometimes. H still cares for A...there are NYE and Christmas texts, take out food for the two of them occasionally, etc. H knows that he can talk to A they way he can't with anyone else. Alas, he said that even so, he does not feel the same for A anymore. and I guess that is why I (A) feel so sad...I can tell now that my ex's care and affection is not the same thing as him seeing me as a potential life partner or loving me that way.

 

 

 

A is currently repenting and being a doormat. She lets H get upset at her even if it is not her fault. She does good things for H but now H is taking a lot of them for granted. No little caring gesture from H back to A at all, currently.

 

So any take?

Damaged for good? .......

 

Sparkie got his girl back....can I get my guy back? I am afraid. After typing up the whole story, I feel like the damage is done and there is no way I can take anything back.

 

 

I am moving back to Bulgaria in one month.I need my support system and need to get myself together. I know I need to get myself together and have a job otherwise this won't work out--I can't keep moping and having him take care of me and disrespect me like this.

 

BUT You know, going abroad (that far away...)feels like spelling "The end". I won't be around to do what Sparkie did with his girl (like having dates, dinner, hanging out, etc) I could only be a voice on the phone, sentences on AIM and the best we can do is webcam....... and it seems that my guy has exited the relationship emotionally many months ago and is ready to move on now. (He did not cry when we broke up...at least I did not see. And now he has been telling me about having little crushes on a few girl beside N whom he has a huge crush on....) And he might never fall back in love with me ever again,

 

Also, since the breakup my ex never got a taste of how life would be without me. I have been living with him still, since the break up 3 months ago and we did not really do NC.

 

Oh.....how am I suppose to work this out?

 

 

And I did some good stuff for this guy when we were together as well, of course. I just did not mention them in detail but you know....thoughtful gifts, cooked for him and delivered food during his thesis crunch time, being his best friend, etc. If there is no good stuff AT ALL this would not have lasted for three years right?

[servedcold]

Condense please.

[QWit]

First of all, stop comparing your situation to someone else.. Yes, Sparkie got his girl back. However, that is his situation and the people are different. Yes, this site can be very helpful, but you can not come on here taking other people's words and stories as the gospel, which could probably be a downside of this site. This site is not hear to give exact answers, but opinions and suggestions. Sparkie's story could be inspirational to some, but, do remember that that is HIS story.

 

Now to your situation, I would suggest No Contact for the reasons that this guy could have possibly fallen out of love with you. Yes, there could have possibly been some damage done on your end, which is why you need to remove yourself from the picture. I do not think that (at least in your case) making dates and giving presents will work. He knows how you feel about him and I think he would respect you more if you gave him his space. At this stage in the game, you should take it as if this guy is probably looking to explore other options. In my opinion (if I were you) , I would leave him alone. Give him a chance to miss you. During your alone time, take it to work on yourself. If he does decide to come back, just make sure that you have made some true changes. You continuing to be around him is just driving him further away. You never know what the future holds, but you can't sit around waiting on it to come.

[jasper01]

While he is with and in love with this woman there is no chance. But that will end eventually. Sometime in the next few months to about two years. At that time things will change between them. If you get your own act together you may be much more appealing at that time. Find a good therapist and become much more of an adult than the woman he is with now in the meantime, and you have a chance.