metrogirl Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 I got that dreaded phone call from the nurse at the hospital informing me that my father had just passed away. I had only been at work 30 minutes. I rush to get to the hospital, why did I rush he was already gone? I look back to that day often and I wonder why I wasn't there with him. See, I had visited with him everyday since he was hospitalized, bringing him a newspaper or a book. Sometimes he would read, other times he would sleep. I would wash his hair and shave his face, he liked that. He always wanted to look nice in case a cute nurse came on duty. We would discuss the news over a meal. He despised hospital food but if I told him I was going to throw it away, he would reluctantly eat it because he hated waste even more. I went to visit him on the 11th of January. It was later than usual but I wasn't going to not visit with my dad. I could see a distance in my father's eyes. He is talking a lot of nonsense, the nurse explains he has been like that all day. Nothing he says makes sense, he's seeing police cars and motorcycles. He likes where he is at that moment. I wonder if it's the illness or the medication that's talking. I stayed with him for about 45 minutes and I left. I still remember vividly our last words to each other. I told him that I was going to leave and that I would be back the next day to visit with him. In his state of confusion he asked if he should just wait right there on the bus for me. I didn't want to stress him out, so I just agreed and said "Yes dad, wait right here on the bus for me and I will be back tomorrow to see you". He was content with that plan. I left feeling sad for him, feeling sad for me. I didn't go to back the next day. The nurses were telling me that he was still in a state of confusion and I had had a long tiring day so I thought it would be okay if I missed our visit just that one time. I went to work expecting another usual night and then the nurse called me thirty minutes into my shift and said "I'm sorry to inform you that your father passed away". Just like that he was gone. I wasn't there. I don't know if it was written in the cards that I wasn't supposed to be there. Had I gone to visit him, would I have witnessed his passing? I think about these things an awful lot. I feel guilty that I wasn't there. I feel guilty that my last conversation with my dad, I'm telling him to wait for me that I would be back. Three years later and it hurts more this year than last year. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 He wouldn't have known you were there, honey. My mother went the same way and all I can remember is the confused "Mom" at the end. It's hard to remember the woman who was so energetic and "with it". Be glad your experience with his confusion was brief. My mom had dementia so it was a long, drawn-out, process. Both you and he are lucky you had more good times with him. I do believe he would have wanted it that way. Wherever he is, he is waiting for you. That is what gave him peace. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Metrogirl, But you will be right back someday and you two will be together again. It isn't what you do in the last moments of their life, it is what you do during their life. You cared for him lovingly and didn't just put in time in his room. That shows volumes to me. You are a good daughter and a caring person. ((HUGS)) lost Link to comment
Ac143 Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 I know no matter what we say you will still feel guilty. You just need to remember the good times & the life you lived with your father, the time you spent together. Not his last day, I bet he wouldnt want you to see him "pass" Like someone else said - he is waiting for you - wherever he is and that gave him peace. HUGS to you! Link to comment
DN Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 You were with him. You were with him in person when he needed you most - and you were with him in your mind when he passed away because I bet he never left your thoughts. And I also bet you never left his. There is more to connection between people who love each other than physical proximity. So don't think you were not with him - because you were in every way that matters. Link to comment
Supa_gurl Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 I am sorry Metro, I know the feeling of losing a loved one and the sadness the anniversary date brings. I am here to talk if you need. ((hugs)) Link to comment
IphigeniaSaysHi Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 I'm so sorry, my dear. You are a good person and a strong one, too. Try as hard as you can not to feel guilty, it shouldn't plague you. Link to comment
chasey Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 MG, *HUGE HUGS* I'm so sorry.... The previous posters are right - at the end he wouldn't have known you weren't there. He knows you were there for him and loved him right to the end and that you will be together again. My father past away when I was 9 years old and I can still remember every detail of that day and the day of his funeral. I wasn't with him in the hospital, I'd never actually been told he was that sick. And when my mom's boyfriend (they were together for 21 years) passed away I wasn't there either due to distance. The last time I saw him in the hospital I told him I'd be back in a couple days, then he was gone. My mom said that those last couple days he didn't know anyone. It's so hard to see people we love deteriorate like that. I think there's apart of them that is still there inside that finds it hard to see their loved ones watching them that state too. Link to comment
chasey Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 You were with him. You were with him in person when he needed you most - and you were with him in your mind when he passed away because I bet he never left your thoughts. And I also bet you never left his. There is more to connection between people who love each other than physical proximity. So don't think you were not with him - because you were in every way that matters. Great post DN! Link to comment
Dagless Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 I'm sorry Metrogirl ((hugs)) Don't blame yourself for not being there, you were with him when you could have. It was his time and no one knows when that is going to happen. You were with him in life and that is the most important thing. Link to comment
Merrick Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 I'm sorry for your pain you feel. Just know that he's still on that bus waiting for ya...its just that his stop came a little sooner then yours. Link to comment
metrogirl Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 I want to thank everyone for your kind words. It really means so much more than you can ever imagine. I wish I knew how to not feel guilty. If I may, I wanted to add something else that seems to be bothering me about my dad's passing. I was very on top of things with his treatments, tests and medications. I was always asking questions and making sure that everything was in order. After he passed, the nurses were telling me that the doctors tried to revive him for almost 40 minutes! He had a signed a DNR some years ago and I never checked his current file after the files were transferred from one doctor to the other. Apparently, the DNR order was lost somehow and the doctors did try repeatedly to revive him. I really feel like I let him down. I know, I know.... How could I have known? I never thought to check the file to make sure it was there. He was adamant that nothing be done to revive him. When I was told, I was crushed. That was a huge blow to my emotional well being. I'm crazy for overthinking everything are'nt I? Please tell me this is just another phase in the grieving process. Link to comment
DN Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Let it go - he got his wish and that is what matters. It wasn't your fault. Take that burden off your shoulders for it really does not belong there. And you father would not want you to carry it. He would want you to remember him with joy and not with sadness, with thanks for his life not guilt for his death. Link to comment
Merrick Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 I'd imagine it is another step...although i'm still in my initial stages of grief...lost my dad August 11th. I had spoken to him the night before...he was complaining about sweating...it was currently about +30C here and we all thought he was just hot. He had a massive heart attack the next day and died at work...all alone....outside. I wish everyday that i'd taken it more seriously...maybe he'd still be here. So i know all about the regrets and the what if's...and the worst part is having to live with them...and yourself...never knowing if anything would have been different. Link to comment
Dagless Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 I'm crazy for overthinking everything are'nt I? Please tell me this is just another phase in the grieving process. You are not crazy for thinking like that, sometimes things happen and we think we should have seen them coming and we should have avoid them. This is a quote that has helped me when I blamed myself for something which was not my fault: "There are things in this world which are out of our control. Sometimes we like to blame ourselves for them so we can try to make sense out of them." You didn't let anyone down metro, it was something which was out of your control. Blaming yourself is normal but it wasn't your fault. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Metro, I forced my father into rehab for drinking for the fourth time in his life and he died as a result of DT's. He spent 3 weeks in a vegetative state before finally passing due to complications with his breathing. I placed a DNR order and it was followed to the letter. I will always carry guilt for pushing him to dry out but not for the DNR. You did the best you could for him so don't ever think you let him down. Your a good daughter. Your father was very lucky to have such a wonderful child at his side. lost Link to comment
mellybelly Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Love to you metro!! Your father was lucky to have you for a daughter...you are such a sweet soul. I believe that your dad knows how much you wish you could have been there. We are so bound by the physical daily things we have to do in this life, but love overrules that! Your dad had your love and that's so awesome. What you're feeling is normal though. Grief is such a hard process! Sending you a big hug! ~melly Link to comment
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