My Boyfriend Never Seems To Want Sex

[reallyforlorn]

I have a strong sex drive, I'm 19 (going on 20) and I get horny or in the mood a lot and my boyfriend (who is 27) rarely ever wants to have sex with me.

 

First of all he never initiates it and I would say 75% of the time I TRY to initiate sex with him I get turned down. Always with an excuse, "too tired" "really hungry" "too full" etc...

 

Aren't guys his age supposed to be sex crazy? I've been told by a lot of men that I'm really hot so I don't see how that could be the issue. Since I get turned down most of the time I feel like the few times we have sex he's just doing it for me, even though he claims otherwise.

 

Another thing is that he can't orgasm during sex or a blow job, he can only get off by masturbating afterwards and this frustrates me to no end! I feel like I'm lousy in bed if I can't make him orgasm, but I can go at giving him a bj for like 25 minutes and he still won't orgasm and I just eventually get so exhausted that I have to stop. Same with sex I'll try to keep doing it as long as possible to see if he doesn't orgasm but he never does. Sometimes he'll just stop me after awhile like he's getting sick of it.

 

It's not that he's afraid of getting me pregnant because I was on a really good birth control for awhile and sex was the exact same. I don't mind him masturbating but I want no I NEED to be able to get him to orgasm during sex.

 

At times I think that that could be the reason he doesn't want sex very often but according to him sex feels leaps and bounds better than masturbating (hard for me to believe since he can only orgasm from the latter) but he says he's just gotten used to getting off that one way (he was a virgin until he was 25).

 

I'm so tired of this same old thing over and over again, tired of rarely having sex and when we do it just ends up being disappointing (I don't let him know how bad it makes me feel anymore so I don't think that has anything to do with him not wanting it very much).

 

It also drives me crazy that I'm more experimental and open even though I was raised in a very strict religion and he's very close minded and prude in comparison even though he wasn't raised with any religion at all! I want to try having sex somewhere public, at a pool when we're the only ones there or in our car parked somewhere, etc. But he isn't open to this at all. What am I suppposed to do?

 

I know this post is already miles long but I feel I need to add this one last detail. My boyfriend is taking a medication that can make it take longer for a guy to get off (a medication that he can't stop taking) but even before he started on it he could never orgasm from sex, back then I could get him off from blow jobs but still never during sex. Now I can't get him off from either and I'm at my wits end. I'll even let him look at porn while we have sex or while I give him a bj hoping that that extra arousal will push him over the edge but it doesn't.

 

Is there anyone that can suggest anything? I'm so lost right now... And yes I've tried sexy lingerie, suprising him etc... and all I got from that is him telling me he doesn't like it when I "plan on having sex" and that he wants it to be a spur of the moment thing and if I'm wearing sexy clothes that I don't normally wear he knows I planned it. Seriously what kind of guy thinks like this? Isn't the normal male reaction supposed to be "god she looks hot in that" not "she must want to have sex with me, oh no." To me that just sounds like another one of his old and worn excuses, I've heard them all a ton of times now and we've only been together 2 years.

[CluelessGuy321]

.....maaannnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!

 

I hope he snaps out of it. *jealous*

[dreamwarrior]

He needs to see an M.D. to check his hormone levels, or Ph.D. to check his mental health state.

[Himynamesbob]

JEALOUS is right! *crosses fingers* I hope i find a gf with a sex drive like that

[kaoticbaby]

you sound like a great girl, not many would be this patient and caring (letting him look at porn while you're going down on him...wow.)

so i doubt that the issue is you.

 

whatever is your boyfriends problem, it's definitely either his own mentality which has nothing to do with your looks or performance (anxiety issues, maybe? depression?) OR is something physical that is wrong with him (someone mentioned hormone levels.)

 

he needs to get it checked out, but you can't force him to since he seems in denial. i can empathize with the whole "nothing i do turns him on" thing, trust me. i've been there. the issue was with him, not me, and there was basically nothing that i could do.

 

if he won't get help, and you really can't handle having sex as infrequently as you do, then you might want to think about just being friends with this guy and moving on. what's a relationship without any sexuality, anyway? it's just glorified friendship.

[reallyforlorn]

.....maaannnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!

 

I hope he snaps out of it. *jealous*

Sigh you and me both! I don't think he knows what he's got, probably won't until it's gone

[reallyforlorn]

He needs to see an M.D. to check his hormone levels, or Ph.D. to check his mental health state.

What do hormone levels have to do with how often he would want sex or orgasming during sex? Also he does have some mental health issues (thus the medication I mentioned earlier) but the problems he has aren't sex related at all.

[CluelessGuy321]

What do hormone levels have to do with how often he would want sex or orgasming during sex? Also he does have some mental health issues (thus the medication I mentioned earlier) but the problems he has aren't sex related at all.

 

They have a LOT to do with both. If he is taking a anti-depression med, they've been known to lower sex-drive in both sexes.

[reallyforlorn]

They have a LOT to do with both. If he is taking a anti-depression med, they've been known to lower sex-drive in both sexes.

I don't think what he's taking is anti-depressant the way he describes it is just a medicine to help him relax and not get agitated or stressed out all the time.

[dreamwarrior]

What do hormone levels have to do with how often he would want sex or orgasming during sex? Also he does have some mental health issues (thus the medication I mentioned earlier) but the problems he has aren't sex related at all.

 

I am off tomorrow, but I will gladly ask several of the RN's I work with regarding this problem...Hormones control your sexual drive...ever hear of testosterone? If he is taking certain types of meds then perhaps it may be causing some of his problems...some anti-depressants are known to decrease sexual drive.

 

As I said above I will be happy to ask about it at work on Tuesday. You asked for advice so I am giving you my opinion.

 

smiles to you!

 

P.S. Can you find out what he is taking so I can look it up for you?

[reallyforlorn]

I am off tomorrow, but I will gladly ask several of the RN's I work with regarding this problem...Hormones control your sexual drive...ever hear of testosterone? If he is taking certain types of meds then perhaps it may be causing some of his problems...some anti-depressants are known to decrease sexual drive.

 

As I said above I will be happy to ask about it at work on Tuesday. You asked for advice so I am giving you my opinion.

 

smiles to you!

 

P.S. Can you find out what he is taking so I can look it up for you?

Thanks so much! The name of the medication is Citalopram and he's taking 20 mg. His lack of wanting sex and not being able to get off from sex were present long before he ever started this medication however.

[dreamwarrior]

I work in the medical field (phlebotomist) and currently in college for nursing so I have many friends who are nurses and doctors. Yes, it would help alot to know what the name is (not the generic script) if you know the pharmaceutical term for it that would be better. I will go to work and get the drug guide and look up the side effects.

 

Believe it or not there are so many drugs today that decrease sexual drive, unfortunately, some people never read the side effect sheets that are given with the meds.

[reallyforlorn]

I work in the medical field (phlebotomist) and currently in college for nursing so I have many friends who are nurses and doctors. Yes, it would help alot to know what the name is (not the generic script) if you know the pharmaceutical term for it that would be better. I will go to work and get the drug guide and look up the side effects.

 

Believe it or not there are so many drugs today that decrease sexual drive, unfortunately, some people never read the side effect sheets that are given with the meds.

I edited my message above with the name of the med (sorry I missed the part at the end of your last post where you asked for it). And I hope thats the pharmaceutical term for it as it's whats written on the pill container.

 

The reason he has to take that med and doesn't have a choice is that he has a very strange problem where a lot of sounds and sights bother him, simple everyday things that one can't help but make and when he's on this medication it helps to calm him down so that even if they do bother him he doesn't get angry or horribly upset because of it.

 

Before he was on the medication life was really bad, we fought constantly he got upset with me over every little thing I did, now our relationship is almost perfect all but our sex life. Sometimes I feel like I'm expecting too much to want that to be great too but it's just so frustrating the way things are. I love him a lot but I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. I keep thinking "you're only young once" you know?

[sff123]

my gf is extremely attractive (to me) and it's difficult for me to orgasm. It has a lot more to do with pressure in the right areas than attraction so i wouldnt be too worried about it. the sexual initiation thing might be another story.

[reallyforlorn]

my gf is extremely attractive (to me) and it's difficult for me to orgasm. It has a lot more to do with pressure in the right areas than attraction so i wouldnt be too worried about it. the sexual initiation thing might be another story.

It doesn't really help me that he keeps saying each time we have sex he gets closer and closer to orgasm (he's been saying this for over a year) I mean how much closer can he possibly GET each time before he finally does? It makes me try harder and get more and more frustrated when he doesn't. Also when it comes to pressure I would think it would be great for him, he's on the larger side and I'm kind of small down there so I think that would be ideal.

[karvala]

Thanks so much! The name of the medication is Citalopram and he's taking 20 mg. His lack of wanting sex and not being able to get off from sex were present long before he ever started this medication however.

 

Citalopram is in fact an anti-depressant, although in his case it sounds like he is taking it for its known effectiveness against a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder, and it can certainly have the effect of making it much harder for a man to orgasm, so this is likely to be partly responsible. This is true of most SSRIs, but this side effect varies between individuals, so if it's a chronic and serious problem, it is possible to try a different medication and see what happens, but if this medication works in terms of relieving his disorder (which it certainly sounds like), that should be a last resort only.

 

There are several possible reasons why he is reluctant to have sex with you.

 

(1) Physiological, related to hormone levels (as someone has already described). This is possible in addition to some of the reasons below; I doubt it is this on its own, however.

 

(2) Performance anxiety. If he fails to orgasm each time, and he knows how much you are wanting this, it will make sex a very stressful experience for him, as though he's taking a test each time. Obviously that will make him much less willing to go through with it. If possible, for at least a short period, tell him it's actually okay, you've decided you're happy with it (even if you haven't in reality), and help him relax as much as you can.

 

(3) A psychological problem with sex per se. I am struck that he didn't lose his virginity until 25 and he is rather prudish and reluctant to do anything adventurous. That might suggest that there is something about sex per se, not sex with you in particular, that he feels mentally very uncomfortable with. That's something that counselling could help with, though I understand that you'd probably have a hard time convincing him to go.

 

(4) Excessive masturbation. You would be surprised how much this can affect both the male sex drive, and the ability to orgasm. Persuade him not to masturbate at all for a month (genuinely; he must not do it behind your back), and don't try to have sex with him during that time, and see what effect that has.

 

Whatever the reasons are, it is clear that the problem is with him, and really nothing to do with you, and how attractive/sexy you are. He would be the same with anyone. There is hope, if he's willing to explore some of the options outlined above, but none of them are easy.

[reallyforlorn]

Karvala,

 

I used to get very upset after sex when he wouldn't orgasm but recently I have been trying to not make it an issue, I don't get upset and I don't pressure him about getting off during sex, although I might occasionally ask him if he got close. I try to limit the amount I ask that though as I think it sounds like I'm pressuring him.

 

As for excessive masturbation that isn't the case, we spend most of our time together and if he's being honest with me he only masturbates after we have sex except on a rare occasion that he'll do it by himself. To be honest he just has never struck me as a very sexual person.

 

I've noticed that all the other "my boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with me" posts I've found online the girl starts out talking about how great their sex life used to be. Mine didn't start that way because it never has been. We both started out inexperienced (I was a virgin as well) and I guess sex wasn't that great for either of us in the start, even back then it seemed to do less for him than me however. Then as we became more knowledgable in what to do and how to please each other I grew to love it and well he started saying he really enjoyed it too but I always look at a persons actions closer than their words.

 

For example, not once has he ever rolled over afterwards and told me how amazing it was, the only time he says it feels great is when I'm talking to him about his not being able to orgasm, then he just reassures me that it feels great. It just seems to me that if it really did he might want to voice it at the time or afterwards? I do it a lot so I know he can't be too embarrassed to come out and say it.

 

Plus there is the whole, he never really wants to have sex issue, if it felt as good to him as he says it does I don't think he would turn me away as often as he does. So what if you're a little tired, if sex is an option I say go for it, right? Once he woke me up after I'd only had like 2 hours of sleep and wanted to do it (one of the few times he's initiated) and although I was literally half asleep I did and actually enjoyed it a lot, felt sort of like a mixture of dream and reality. But if it's one or two in the morning and we're still up and I want to do something he's always too tired to.

 

Once I was waiting for him when he got home from work in a sexy outfit, and I had plans to give him a bj right there in the hallway after he walked in and go from there but I didn't get further than one kiss before he started pushing me away (his excuse that day was being too hungry even though he brings lunch with him to work).

 

Anyway out of the options you listed I think the psychological problem with sex one sounds the most plausible since it fits with him seeming to not be a very sexual person at all, when I know he is (lots of porn watching, etc...). The hormone one could also be a possibility but I don't know about that one, doubt he'll agree to see a doctor about it, not that we can afford one right now anyway.

 

I've tried to talk with him about his never initiating and not being able to get off during sex and he always denies the first and says I'm just not remembering all the times he does (totally not true) and the second he's actually tried to claim on a couple occasions that it's normal and a great majority of guys have to masturbate after sex to get off. I think he's getting this idea from porn which isn't a reliable source at all.

[Lucy__lou]

I've heard that men who have developed their sexual response cycle through one type of masturbation can have trouble getting off in any other way, and the remedy is that they train their brain to find other ways to get off, by depriving themself of that thing they do that normally works, and trying other things, and eventually, the body just wants to orgasm, and it will eventually happen even with the right hand motion which it normally depends on. It's about re-wiring the brain to find other paths to orgasm than the trusted old method. In your boyfriend's case, it would only be if he actively wants to change this about himself.

 

Other causes which spring to mind are:

- depression

- the medication

- maybe even though he likes you a lot, you don't have awesome chemistry?

 

I've recently been in a situation myself with a partner who had a much stronger sex drive than me. I also started coming up with excuses. Honestly, one of the biggest turn offs was the imbalance in both our sex drives. Just knowing that I wasn't up for crazy off the wall sex diminished my sex drive, and made me just want to hide in a cave and be asexual for the rest of my life. It's a response to sensing expectations you can't meet.

[skittlesfae]

For me it's the exact opposite- I'm the one that isn't all that into it, and he always ends up initiating. Part of that is because I have depression, I think, and although I am a sexual person in theory I suppose, it's a whole different story when I am actually doing anything with him. I want to but he wants to more, and it's almost started to make me want it less because I feel like it's never enough sometimes.

Maybe try backing up off him? Don't TRY to make him orgasm, just concentrate on making him feel good and pleasing him. With my first boyfriend, I noticed the more my goal was on his orgasm, the less likely he was going to do it. Just because he doesn't, doesn't mean your not doing good or he isn't enjoying it.

 

And as for the whole telling you he enjoys it at the time, I personally don't know how to say that myself. I never do. [Although now that you mention it.... lol.] But, try to not be so hard on him, and expect so much of him. The more he feels he is expected the more pressure he will feel, and in turn the less relaxed he will be, and the less likely it will be for him to orgasm...

[gilfer]

Prehaps he does not want sex too often because there is not any challenge in getting it since you always seem to make the first move, try backing off for awhile and see if he starts to want sex more.

 

From the OP's post her bf was a virgin till 25, so probably he's too used to getting himself off, its hard to get used to orgasm any other way.

[d24]

look we all know it's the medication, either that or he's asexual.

 

try this: dont let him masturbate for a week or two, and if he's still unable to cum from intercourse there's probably something biologically wrong and he needs to see a doctor to see if they can change his meds so that it doesn't interfere with your sex lives or to check his hormone levels. my thoughts are that if he's used to getting his rocks off via solo-play maybe he just doesn't have the 'juice' to do it with you. He should be full with the stuff, so if this 2 week 'no spanking the monkey' thing doesn't work it's a medical (/mental) thing.

 

If he's asexual and just not that into sex, and your sex drives really are incompatable, you know what you need to do. Talk to him and see if there's anything that can be done, else leave now before it gets harder over time or God forbid one of you 'forces a change that they wont be comfortable with.

 

I sense this is a thread to get justification in your mind either that you are desireable and he (or any man) should be lucky to have you............. or taking it that one step further -- using it as justification to move on. And honey, if you think that's the case, seriously think and/or talk about it. It's not a decision to be taken lightly, but if you NEED more, you need to take care of things (and no.1 -- yourself!).

 

Good luck!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

The first thing that has to happen is you both (HIM!) acknowledge this is a problem that he intends to fix.

 

There are many different antidepressents, and some affect the ability to climax more than others. So he could get switched to something else, or perhaps the doctor can add a different medication to the mix to improve things. But he has to go to the doctor and discuss it and get a medication adjustment.

 

Second, you need to ascertain whether he has any sexual hangups about sex, or inhibited desire, in which case he may need to go to a counselor to deal with this. It may not be a medication problem, but a mental problem where he just doesn't get enough into sex with you to climax, and certainly avoids it the majority of the time.

 

But the rule of thumb is that sexual problems don't just go away, and as time progresses, they get worse if you don't actively seek medical treatment and/or counseling for them. This will be as good as it gets unless he actively works to get back both his libido and ability to climax. So you both need to address it or this will be how it is permanently, or it will get worse.

 

You're too young to give up a vital sex life, so he should work with you on this, and if he won't, then you need to find a more suitable partner.

[mca1975]

At a guess,

 

I think your guy is having some emotional problems isn't he, sounds to me like he is a little overwhelmed by your prowess, not that there is anything wrong with your prowess! he sounds insecure, shy, not confident about it and maybe a bit under pressure as he knows you are craving it so much. I think if you dont try so hard and just be "subtlely sexy" maybe and dont mention it all the time, (do you?), then he might relax and bit and start to become really aroused.

 

Some men are not confident in bed, and can become quite "closed" if there woman is (I am obviously guessing as I'm a woman!). I think, from experience aswell, that when you are feeling pressured to have sex, you dont want to give it and get very defensive. I have felt like that before and I DO have a high sex drive also!

[reallyforlorn]

Prehaps he does not want sex too often because there is not any challenge in getting it since you always seem to make the first move, try backing off for awhile and see if he starts to want sex more.

 

From the OP's post her bf was a virgin till 25, so probably he's too used to getting himself off, its hard to get used to orgasm any other way.

 

I wish it was just that he didn't see it as a challenge anymore but anytime I've ever decided to just wait until he made the first move and not make a move myself until then, I ended up waiting and waiting for a move he never made.

 

I tried to suggest that he not masturbate afterwards and just keep having sex until he eventually orgasms from it but he's not up to trying that. Once he said he would but of course he broke his promise the first time we had sex and since then he hasn't even entertained the idea.

[reallyforlorn]

I don't think it helps that I talk to him sometimes about it, he still won't think about not masterbating for awhile and most of the time it just causes a ton of fights because he gets all defensive and starts denying everything.

 

I tried to talk with him last night after posting my original post on here and he denied that he turns me down for sex a lot and rarely ever initiates himself (although I gave him about 5 examples where he turned me down in 9 days).

 

Wish you luck with your guy!