I couldn't take it....

[big sigh]

Hey,

I joined a few days ago when I was doing really bad. Things hadn't gotten any better. I just broke NC, after struggling the whole day to not do it, arguing with my mom and my thoughts from what I've read here, about NC. I know everyone says it just leads to more pain, but this is my first relationship/ breakup, and I needed to find out for myself... I'm stubborn and I'm trying to work on it.

We broke up "mutually", but I never really wanted to. I always just wanted her to be happy, that was what I wanted in the relationship. I'm the kind of person who never does what they want, I just try to please others. So, a couple weeks later I realized I didn't actually want to break up, but by the time I figured this out, she was already in another relationship. I've done a lot of reflecting, and feel like I still loved her, but should let her go if that's what she wanted.

But the last few days I thought I should at least be honest and tell her how I feel about stuff, because before I was always just saying that I cared about her still and wanted the best for her. But I never just straight told her I still loved her, I didn't want to hurt her or the guy she was with. But I realized that not telling her how I felt was hurting me, and I needed for one of the few times in my life to think about myself before others. So I sent an email telling her that I did love her and how I felt, and was no longer going to worry about contacting her, it was all up to her now. I feel like I've done all I could now, and if I am rejected, I'll be fine with it. There is nothing else I can do in this situation, and if she responds, she responds. If she doesn't, I know I can move on guilt free.

Honestly, I don't know how to feel about this. I was very nervous because I don't usually do things like that, telling people things that might hurt them. I don't want to hurt her or the guy she is with. But I didn't feel I could ever move on if I didn't try my hardest to make it work. It's in her hands now, I've washed my hands clean. I don't expect any contact, so I will begin posting on here when I need help with NC. I hope nobody says I'm stupid for breaking NC, I just have never been hurting so badly. It was about a month of NC, the other longest I had was about 2 weeks, and we've been broken up for about 3 months.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, you did what you felt was right so now you can walk away knowing you put your feelings out on the table and put the ball in her court. What concerns me, however, is that no sooner was she broken up with you that she latched on to another guy. It is clear she can't be alone and needs a man. So if her relationship with rebound guy ends and she suddenly comes back to you wanting to pick up where you left off, how will you know for sure that it is because she wants you or because she just doesn't want to be alone. You would have to tread very carefully with her if she does come back to you and make sure her motivations are out of love not neediness.

[big sigh]

Thanks for responding. Yeah, I know she cannot be alone. Her mother is the same way. Since she was 14, she hasn't been "alone" for more than a couple weeks. She's only had a few boyfriends, but she starts another relationship right after the other. With our relationship, I kind of forced her to be alone for 5 months before we started going out, because I had never asked someone out, and while we spoke everyday for hours online, I was shy and didn't know she liked me. But yeah, she told me two weeks before she was going out with the guy that she spoke to him and while they both kind of liked each other, they were having fun being single and were just going to be single for awhile. Two weeks later he was staying at her house. I told her she said she was going to be single for awhile, and she said, "I was..." and then I said, "For two weeks?" and when she said it was longer, I said, "Three weeks?" and she didn't respond. And she said it wasn't a rebound (I think she tells herself that if the next relationship is long enough, it's not a rebound, but maybe it's not, I don't know).

I just felt I never had the chance to look at our relationship after breaking up and see if there was anything I could do. I basically told her that and that I loved her, and said if I don't hear anything from her I know I should move on (although I already should, I know). I just didn't want to always think in the back of my mind, "I never tried to get her back, to make it work". Now I've done all I can, and I can move on either way.

She has some issues, but I was willing to work on them, if she was willing to work with me. I just needed to let her know I still felt that way, and now I know there is nothing else I can do. I can always say more stuff, but that would be pointless. I said how I felt and yes, the ball is in her court.