In complete shock..

[JSLICE]

I'm just in complete shock right now, and have been pretty much all day. I'm 20, and my girlfriend Brittany is 17, turning 18 in April. We've been together for about 3 months now, and we have sex about two to three times a week. I don't use protection, because we both got tested for STDs at the same time, and she is taking birth control pills. She's been acting weird lately, ever since last this past Thursday. I could just tell something was wrong.

 

Now, at the beginning of the relationship, everything was great with Brittany and I. But, she's just become very boring, lazy, and emotionally unstable as of late. Anyway, today she finally told me what was wrong.

 

She said that her and her friends all took a home pregnancy test, that they do this on occasion, and that she took her test on Friday, and that it was positive, and that she is pregnant. With that sentence alone, my world was turned upside down. I like kids, I really do, but I didn't plan on having any children until I was at least 30, that way I would be financially stable enough and ready to be a father, and to actually be able to provide good things for a child. I just now started going to college, and since my tuition is payed for, I don't have any college fees, meaning I don't have a job, because I don't pay any bills or anything.

 

My first reaction was to vomit, but I couldn't. My body was shaking, and I could barely talk. I still feel really weird, like this isn't real, but it is.

 

Brittany had a miscarriage when she was 14, and at the time she said she didn't care, but looking back on it, she is devastated about what happened. She constantly tells me about these dreams she has about her having my children, and that in the dream I'm a great father. She always asks if I'm going to break up with her, and she always asks if I'm mad at her. Everyday she asks me these things. She's changed, and never used to be like this. She's been this way for about a month now. This is a leading factor in why I've been wanting to end things with her for the past two weeks. I can't handle an emotionally unstable, overly possessive girlfriend, it's not what I want in a girl.

 

So, she's been taking birth control since April of 2008. She took the home pregnancy test on Friday, it said she was pregnant, and she told me today. Now, I admitted to her I wasn't ready to be a father, that I didn't want a baby right now, not at this point in my life. She admitted that she wasn't ready to be a mother, and didn't want a baby either.

 

She said the first two thoughts that came to her mind were these:

 

#1: Tell me that she cheated on me with another guy, and that it was that other mans baby.

 

#2: To stop talking to me altogether, and let me live my life worry free not knowing I have a child.

 

She said she doesn't want me to have to worry about taking care of a child at this point in my life because she wants me to go to college and pursue my dreams. She told me she wouldn't make me pay child support of any sort, and that she just wants me to be happy.

 

I talked to her for several hours about this, and these are the top two options she is deciding to follow through with as of right now:

 

#1: Have the baby, and tell her family and friends that it isn't mine, and for me to have no ties with the baby so I can live my life worry free, and she can take care of it.

 

#2: Have an abortion, so she can pursue her dream of going to college to become a teacher, and for me to pursue my dreams as well.

 

She says I have a say so in this, but I let her know that the final decision is hers to make, not mine. I'm not ready for a baby, and she isn't either. She is taking a pregnancy test tomorrow, and another one three days after that, just to be sure that she is pregnant. She's also going to the doctor either later this week, or early next week, so we can know for sure. I told her that if she keeps the baby, it would make our relationship very awkward and uncomfortable because of the #1 option I just listed above, which is this truth.

 

Imagine it like this if she were to keep the baby, and go with option #1:

 

Me-"I think I'll go visit my girlfriend today, whom lives with her parents!"

*Gets in car, drives over to her house, gets out of car, knocks on door*

*knock knock*

Brittany-"Hey baby! I missed you! How are you?"

Me-"I'm great, just great."

*looks over at baby crib, my child in it, sleeping*

Me-"So, how's that baby that's definitely not mine and I have no ties with that I'm not supposed to worry about because you want me to pursue my dreams?"

Brittany-"Grrreeeeaaaaaattttt!"

 

 

She asked me what I want to happen, and I told her that since we both don't want a child right now, that she should get an abortion, that way we can both pursue our dreams and go to college. It's my honest answer, that's what I think should happen. She told me that she doesn't know if she can do it, because of her miscarriage when she was 14. I haven't pressured her into getting an abortion or anything like that, the final decision is up to her.

 

I just want to know what some of you think about this. I don't want a child, neither does she. Which option is best? I still think the abortion is the way to go, that way it's not just me getting to pursue my dreams and live my life worry free.

[ButterflyWrists]

how about adoption?

[JSLICE]

I asked her about that, and she told me that she didn't think she could do it because she would probably become too attached to it by then.

[Maroney555]

I think you both need to take reaponsibility for your actions.

 

Given she's had a miscarriage before, I doubt abortion is going to be an option for her. Pregnancy is one of the risk factors/benefits to having sex. You guys shouldve had a "what if" plan a long time ago.

[JSLICE]

I can't, I won't have a child right now in my life. I'm not pressuring her to have an abortion, I'm not that kind of person. But, if she decides against abortion, then I think I will take her offer of having no ties with the child, and not paying child support.

 

I've told her that having the child would make things awkward, and she said she understands if I end things with her, and she said she is ok with that if it happens.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I doubt she will let you have no ties.

She may say that now but as soon as things become tough financially, the claws will come out.

[raining.stars]

And eventually the child will want to know who his/her father is.

Will you beable to enjoy your life knowing that you have a child out there you have nothing to do with? Like it or not that child will be half of you.

[JSLICE]

That's what I've thought in the back of my head, but she really is that type of a girl where she wouldn't go back on her word...she never does.

 

She knows that if she has the baby I'm going to end things with her, because it would be awkward to go through with Option #1 and still be together.

 

She told me that she wants to be with me for a long, long time, and will do anything for that to be possible.

[JSLICE]

I realize that. My father was never around when I was a child, and I've only met him three times in my twenty years of existence.

 

In some ways it would be neat to be part of a childs life, but for the most part, in all honesty, I would be able to enjoy my life. I would definitely not take anything too lightly when it comes to using protection either, this pregnancy stuff is scary.

[jengh]

I think that you're being incredibly selfish in this. I'm not saying that to be rude but it takes 2 people to have sex, 2 people to make a baby. If a baby comes, I feel as though 2 people need to take responsibility. You can't just leave her to pursue YOUR dreams. What about her dreams? Don't you want what's best for her and your child? Given you both have goals, abortion might be your best option. No child should be born and be unloved and unwanted. It's not fair. Now, it's time for you to grow up and take responsibility for your actions.

 

Being in the child's life is one thing. Child support is another.

[JSLICE]

But that's just it, she's the one that is considering just having the baby and taking care of it by herself, and she told me I didn't have to take care of it or anything.

 

I get what you're saying, but it's not just me I'm looking out for. I want her to reach her goals in life as well, and a baby would only slow those dreams down, or make them unreachable all together. I'm financially unstable, she is as well. She has problems, I have problems. I don't want to bring a child into this world and not be able to provide for it. I'm not responsible enough to be a father right now. I would rather be known not as a father than an irresponsible father.

 

I talked to her about 20 minutes ago. She was crying, and said that "She couldn't do it."

I asked her what it was she couldn't do.

She said: "Bring a child into this world when I have so many problems and unable to give it the proper life it deserves."

 

I think she's leaning towards abortion, she mentioned finding this abortion clinic in Knoxville.

[shikashika]

You sound like a good caring guy.

 

If she does decide to abort, then hopefully you will stay with her to support her through that.

 

it is a big decisions, and it does suck for you since she was on the pill. It's not like she wasn't being careful.

 

Do you think tht by any chance she WANTED to get pregnant?

 

I agree, that bringing a child into this world when you are both so young and neither of you wants it is a bit selfish and irresponsible... my opinion.. I'm sure others will disagree. However, it sounds here, like BOTH of you dont' want to keep it.

[jengh]

Right, and I completely understand the wanting to reach goals. Of course I get that. But, what I'm saying is that if she decides to keep this baby, it would be very poor character to just leave her hanging to be a teen mom. She's 17 and still a child herself. Ultimately, it's her decision but if she decides to keep this baby, it's just as much your responsibility as hers. Do the right thing You can still achieve your goals if you have the baby, they'll just be harder.

[raining.stars]

^^ I agree with ILMBC. If she does decide to have the baby, it is your responsibility to be there for your child. Life rarely turns out the way we planned, and maybe you will just have to work twice as hard to reach your dreams

[JSLICE]

See, that's another thing I've been thinking. She never stops talking about babies. Every day there is at least one conversation about babies, it's like she's obsessed with them.

 

Part of me thinks she used me to get her pregnant. I don't think that's too crazy of a thought, you wouldn't either if you had to listen to her talking about babies almost everyday for about 2 months straight.

 

Even if she does try to get me to pay child support, is there not anything I can do to get out of it, such as I believe she used me to get her pregnant?

 

I'm not just making this up to try and get out of it, the girl is obsessed with babies, and always tells me of all those dreams she had about me being the father of her babies.

[shikashika]

See, that's another thing I've been thinking. She never stops talking about babies. Every day there is at least one conversation about babies, it's like she's obsessed with them.

 

Part of me thinks she used me to get her pregnant. I don't think that's too crazy of a thought, you wouldn't either if you had to listen to her talking about babies almost everyday for about 2 months straight.

 

Even if she does try to get me to pay child support, is there not anything I can do to get out of it, such as I believe she used me to get her pregnant?

 

I'm not just making this up to try and get out of it, the girl is obsessed with babies, and always tells me of all those dreams she had about me being the father of her babies.

 

well that does put a whole spin on things... it's not normal for a teenager to talk about babies all the time like that.

 

Do you think she could have stopped taking her pill?

[Cognitive_Canine]

Sounds like she used you to get pregnant.

[JSLICE]

I think she stopped taking her pills. I mean, my brother has been married for 8 years. His wife has been on the pills for 9 years, and she's never gotten pregnant.

 

I mean, 8 years is a pretty good while, and it just so happens that in about the 20 or so times we've had sex that she gets pregnant while on the pills? Don't think so.

 

Crap, I was so worried about her being pregnant that I didn't even stop to think about how she's so obsessed with having children.

 

 

...looks like I took the bait, and I took it hard.

 

[zenbabyk]

&& don't trust any girl that says she is on birth control.

[JSLICE]

Hey, if she wants to raise it on her own, then I'm going to let her. She's always wanted a kid to raise, that's why I think it's not a big deal to her whether or not I help her raise it.

[k_1971]

I really think you need to do a lot of growing up, I'm afraid.

 

All the options mentioned involve getting you off the hook.

 

If you're not ready to be a father, then you shouldn't be having sex, protected or otherwise.

 

If this child is yours, you have a moral duty to do the right thing.

Even if she got pregnant deliberately, that won't wash with Child support. I'm not sure what the law is in TN, but in UK, if the mother is claiming any kind of benefits/welfare then the Child Support Agency is involved in making sure the father pays towards the child.

 

Don't for get that if she names you as the father, there is DNA testing to prove it.

 

Be a man and face up to your responsibilities.

[JSLICE]

You are getting me all wrong here. Yes, from the viewpoint of my original post, it may seem like I'm just worried about myself, but that's not it. I was just so caught up in everything, that I was just typing what was on my mind.

 

I want her to live her life as well, and I want her to pursue her dreams. She's wanting to go to the University of Texas to become a teacher, that's her dream college. I want that for her, because I've seen and heard first hand from my mother what it's like to have all of these dreams, then to have them not happen, or have them happen way later on in life because of unexpected pregnancy (my brother and I).

 

She's admitted she doesn't want a child right now, and I have as well. She told me she's been researching abortion clinics around our area, so I'm pretty sure she's deciding to have an abortion. She asked me if I would be there for her if she has an abortion, I told her yes. I definitely will be there for her.

 

Selfish? I'm not selfish. I'm just looking out for her future, as well as my own.

[kaoticbaby]

how are you looking out for her future when you said that, if she had the baby, it would either a) be too hard for you to stay with her and you would break up with her and pretend you never knew her or your child or b) stay with her but pretend she had the baby with another man.

 

so you are looking out for her future as long as it conveniences you, i guess.

[JSLICE]

No, none of those ideas are mine, they are all hers. She said she's either going to abort it, or she's going to have it and tell her family and friends that it's some other mans baby, and we'll then break up.

 

She said she doesn't want me to worry about it because she wants me to go to college and have a future, just that she's having a hard time deciding on which to do.

 

But I also want her to be able to go to college and become a teacher, and I want her to be worry free about this and live her life, which is why I think abortion is the best decision for both of us.

[kaoticbaby]

i agree that abortion is the best idea for the both of you, but in the case that she decides against it, then i think it's really selfish of you to go along with her plan. she's 17 years old coming up with immature solutions to a problem that she is not old enough to handle.