Sometimes i wonder how much longer i can last

[kaylaj]

I normally do so good at ignoring the thoughts of wanting to hurt myself. Four years of no self harm and then BAM I screwed up that whole recovery process. It wasn't an easy 4 years I'll tell you that. Sure it was 4 years of no cuts, no new scars, and it gave the old scars time to fade. But it was 4 years of haunting thoughts, fantasizing about cutting, and having to suffer with these thoughts in my head. Having went four years without cutting everyone thought "hey she's cured". That was no the case. But everyone was so proud of me that I couldn't bare to talk about my thoughts. I should have known when I decided to pick up that blade that everything would fall apart. The thoughts are so much worse and so much more frequent. I feel like it's only a matter of time before I cut again. The last time it was three wide cuts and 25 stitches. I have a feeling the next time it will only be worse. I came to realize when I was about 15 that the longer I waited to follow through with my thoughts the worse the cutting was. I just don't know what to do. I hate having these thoughts and feeling like i can't talk about them. It makes me feel like I'm crazy. I know normal people do not have thoughts such as mine and that's all I want to be is...normal. But then I ask myself, "What is normal?" Through my years of growing up for some reason people have found me to be quite interesting. What that reason is, I have no idea. I'm guessing it's not because they thought I was "normal". I dunno. All I know is that I hate having the thoughts of wanting to cut myself, but knowing that I just can't do it. Society does not accept self mutilation. And as a mother of two, I really need to think about them.

 

Has anyone ever heard of the program S.A.F.E.? There's a hospital in Chicago and they have the program..Self Abuse Finally Ends. I was there when I was 14. They normally do not accept patients under the age of 18, but for me they made an exception. Everyone around me just did not know what to do anymore and I guess they figured it was a "last resort" kinda thing. Anyway, among the people there was a high school history teacher, an english teacher, an artist, and a mother of two boys. Thinking about the teachers I thought to myself, "here I am a student who cuts and there are actually teachers out there who do the same thing." I was blown away by that. And then the artist. What a great talent she had! But self mutilation held her back in so many ways. And the mother of two boys, back then I felt so sorry for her when her husband and children came to visit her........and here I am 10 years later and I am the mother of two boys. I do not want to be that mother in the psych ward and have my children visit me there.

 

It's just amazing how many people self mutilate. There are so many different kinds of people who self mutilate...Have you ever passed a person on the street and wonder if they also self mutilate. It's more common than a person would think =) Just how many of us are there in the world?

[justignoreme]

if it's a taboo thing, then chances are there are a lot more people involved in it than you probably realize. but we always find each other if we look hard enough...

 

I very much consider myself a "normal" person. people will judge because that's what people do. they make assumptions on things they don't understand. self-injury is certainly not a "crazy-person" thing. and don't let anybody make you feel that way.

[LAEMrough]

i know sort of what that feels like. i haven't been cutting for long-i am only 14. but i thought it was amazing how i could go through 8 months with thoughts of cutting and never do it. then one day i just couldn't take it any longer and i cracked. i still wonder why.

 

this doesn't make a person crazy. it's an uncontrollable thing really-just like depression and anger. i really have never thought about just walking on the street and seeing people and wondering if they do the same thing i do, but i have started realizing that i am not alone. one of my best friends cuts, and another girl i've known my whole life does it too. i really dont expect to see certain people like this-but the fact is they are. it really is interesting when you think about it.

[kaylaj]

As far as the uncontrollable thing...For me (when i was younger) I would have this feeling inside of me. I think it was a feeling of anxiety. And that feeling would just linger there and I absolutely hated it. That feeling would not go away until I cut myself...and then it was soooo much better. I'm not even sure how it did get to the point of being controllable, but I'm glad it did. Like I said though, the problem is that the thoughts are there. The thoughts are almost always there...and that's what is so frustrating.

[girl friend]

Hey

 

Wow, i've never met anyone whos done S.A.F.E, but it sounds an incredible program.

 

So you were self-injury free for 4 years after it? thats incredible hun. So you cut again when you were 18? and again now?

 

You probably learned this at S.A.F.E, but the cutting comes from a pain deep inside of you. You need to address what the pain is behind those cuts. The pain even now is probably in some aspects the same as the pain that was there when you were 14.

 

Yes, theres millions of cutters worldwide. We probably all know someone who does it. One or more of our friends. Even if we don't know it. Thats a sobering thought. Its always the people you'd never guess...

[kaylaj]

I guess I wasn't quite clear on how or why I stopped cutting. Truth be told, the S.A.F.E. program had nothing to do with it. I actually got kicked out of that program. They have a pretty strict rules when it comes to self harm. You hurt yourself and you're out. I actually quit cutting when I was 19. I met a man and he had a two year old daughter. He told me if I ever cut myself again that I would never see him or his daughter ever again. That was it for me. But a lot has happened since then. I even managed to stay "cut free" after him and I broke up. I was even held back the urges to cut after my 3 month old daughter died. I'm not sure what made me break. I guess just everything getting bottled up. A person can only take so much. It was not until about 5 months ago I cut again.

[gypsy_girl]

It's just amazing how many people self mutilate. There are so many different kinds of people who self mutilate...Have you ever passed a person on the street and wonder if they also self mutilate. It's more common than a person would think =) Just how many of us are there in the world?

 

I sat next to a woman on the train today whos arms were covered-and I mean covered-in scars which could have been nothing else but self injury. I could see everyone staring or taking glances at her. I felt bad for her, people can be so judging.

You always feel like ur the only one, but there has to be so many others just like us. Most try to hide it though, so i guess we'll never know.

[justignoreme]

actually quit cutting when I was 19. I met a man and he had a two year old daughter. He told me if I ever cut myself again that I would never see him or his daughter ever again.

 

while I wonder why he told you that; like whether it was out of misunderstanding of the issue or just as a way to make you stop for your own sake, I think that's a good way to actually stop SI. I just recently told mine to a friend who had also been dealing with SI for a lot longer than I, who made me promise to just quit cold turkey. and while it's only a promise, I feel it's the best reason I have to quit, and I plan on keeping it. it hasn't been long since my last SI, but we'll see how it goes..