saw her after 5 months...

[skittles75]

Hi ENA,

 

It's been quite awhile since I've posted here, although I still peridocially read all of the threads. My girlfriend and I broke up in August of last year. I was a disaster. This site helped me so much...helped me keep my sanity. After months of absolute despair, I finally started to feel like myself again. It's true what they say, time really does heal. I didn't date anyone else or anything. Time alone eased the horrible pain I used to feel all day every day.

 

Well tonight I went out with one of my buddies to play some golden tee at a bar, and the ex walked in. I just about had a panic attack on the spot. But I kept it together, at least externally, and acted like I was not the least bit phased (even though the reality was that the minute I saw her, my heart started beating a thousand beats per second). I kept my cool and acted like it was just another friend of mine that I was seeing. Well, after awhile of my little act of not caring that she was there, she called me over to her. I'm not sure why I went, but I did. She told me that she's dated a few other guys since me but not found anyone that she is as compatible with. Then she asked me if I'm dating anyone. Without thinking, I lied to her and said I was, even though I'm not. I'm not really sure if it's because I want her to think I am, or if I just want to avoid the possibility of her wanting to come back. Either way, it's what came out without my thinking about it, so I know deep down it's what my heart wanted to tell her.

 

So now I'm home thinking about it after the fact and wondering if what I did was right. I love her very much , but I know another try with her will result in the same terrible ending as our first attempt, so I feel good that I took the stand and steered her away. At the same time, I'm having a hard time in retrospect dealing with how I responded. I've been very happy with how I've progressed since our breakup, so sticking to that makes me proud. But the truth is that I do miss her very much, and the foolish part of me would love nothing more than to call her and have her come over to be with me right now. By the signals I got tonight, I honestly think that is what she wants. I know I could be wrong about that, but that is the impression that she gave. In any event, seeing her tonight has messed with my head, and I could really use some other opinions on the matter. I guess I'm just wondering if what I did was the healthy thing to do, or if I messed up a chance to reconcile with the woman that I have loved more than any other I have been with. Thoughts and suggestions are so appreciated!

[NR498E]

You did everything right! Good for you!

 

You kept your cool, you didn't act intimidated by her and most of all you walked out of there with your head held high.

 

So what if you lied to her, it doesn't really matter anyway.

 

It sounds to me like she is a bit lonely right now. She may want you back just for that reason but once another oppertunity comes by she'll leave you again. That is usually what happens.

 

If she really wants to pursue something with you she'll pop up again and contact you. Whether she thinks you have a GF or not.

 

You are doing great by yourself, keep going out and doing stuff with your buddy;s, stay NC with this chick unless she contacts you and find a GF for real.

[thejigsup]

If you never want to have anything to do with her ever again, you absolutely did the right thing. If you might consider getting back with her one day, you blew it.

[davejsy]

totally untrue thejigsup.

 

skittles 75 you did great, not everyone would be strong enough to do that. If your ex wants you back, then the thought that you are doing ok without her, and dating will drive her nuts - you will hear from her if thats what she wants. Worst thing you could have done was let her know how you really feel, unless she gives you something concrete about getting back together. If this does happen you can then think if she is worth it, otherwise your walking away from this with your head held high buddy.

[skittles75]

Thanks for your thoughts guys. I barely slept last night. Seeing her has really affected me, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about her. I really wish I hadn't seen her and I hope how I feel now is a very temporary feeling. I felt like I was finally over her, or at least very much on the way. Now I'm feeling the pain again that I hadn't felt in some time and it really sucks.

[yankeefan74]

If she really wants to pursue something with you she'll pop up again and contact you.

 

And yet he's already lied to her for absolutely no reason.

 

A lot of women...if they got back together with a guy, then found out he lied about dating someone...they'd feel emotionally manipulated. And, of course, nobody respects dishonesty.

 

Lying, in these situations, is never the right thing to do. I understand that sometimes just happens, but it's always a mistake...unless, like thejigisup said, you want nothing to do with this person ever again.

 

As for the pain you're feeling, some of it's probably guilt and regret about lying. Some of it is just residual feelings that got stirred up by seeing her.

 

But I see this a lot on this board...people want to see and talk to their ex, and when it happens, they wind up doing something they regret.

 

People...DON'T LIE! lol

[davejsy]

yankeefan74 - I disagree, there's nothing wrong with a white lie, especially if it helps you put a brave face on infront of someone who has caused you alot of pain. I totally agree you should never lie in a relationship, but skittles hasn't done anything that most of us wouldn't have done in his situation. He owe's this girl nothing.

[aeschylus]

Our relationships and the aftermath are on a similar timeline (I got dumped in July)...and I can say that I've been dreading the first time we are forced to come face-to-face again.

 

I think you did the right thing. And maybe it's not a lie. I'm sure you are seeing lots of other people, including girls...it may not be romantic, but I don't think that matters...what's important is that you are telling her that you are a wanted commodity by more than just her.

 

She was probably trying to get you to tell her how much you still love her to heal whatever loneliness and self-esteem issues she was feeling. It's also a way for her to get over her own guilt at screwing over a guy who loved her.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

And yet he's already lied to her for absolutely no reason.

 

A lot of women...if they got back together with a guy, then found out he lied about dating someone...they'd feel emotionally manipulated. And, of course, nobody respects dishonesty.

 

Lying, in these situations, is never the right thing to do. I understand that sometimes just happens, but it's always a mistake...unless, like thejigisup said, you want nothing to do with this person ever again.

 

As for the pain you're feeling, some of it's probably guilt and regret about lying. Some of it is just residual feelings that got stirred up by seeing her.

 

But I see this a lot on this board...people want to see and talk to their ex, and when it happens, they wind up doing something they regret.

 

People...DON'T LIE! lol

 

I agree. He shouldn't have lied. The whole notion of lying and saying you are seeing someone when you are not is based on the feeling that a person is a loser and hasn't moved on if they are not dating someone else post break up. That is what leads to rebound relationships. If she ever finds out you lied, it will put you in a worse light than had you told her the truth. A really confident person would say "no, I am not seeing anyone, I have been very busy with work etc". In other words, it shows strength that you have a rich other life that gives you satisfaction and confidence...that there is more to life than dating.

[tepidangel]

Hmmm, some quite good answers here, but if it was me i think i'd tell her that your lovelife is not really any of her business anymore(but said in a more polite way obviously hehe). ;o) That way you're not lying. I know it would probably make you feel a bit vulnerable if you told her you hadn't dated anyone since her. Maybe if you did say to her that you hadn't dated since, you would be afraid of the message it could send to her saying 'I'm still not over you'??. That's how i'd feel if i was asked that question by an ex and if i still loved them. Mmmm maybe look at it from another perspective aswell, put yourself in her shoes and think how would you really feel if you were told by an ex that they had not been with anyone since. Depends on the type of person she is though i guess? - if i was told that, i'd probably respect them more for going the healing route alone, shows that you have a big heart and have courage to go it alone. On the flip side if i heard that they had been dating since, i'd turn my back on them for good with respect to a new relationship with that person. Damaged goods as they say. Respect yourself, you don't need to lie to her to make yourself come accross as 'fine' or whatever. Just be true to yourself and good things will come your way dude. Karma - what goes around comes around ;O) That's my 2 cents anyway hehe, good luck

[skittles75]

To those of you who feel it was wrong of me to lie to her...I see your points and certainly don't condone lying. A few things though...first of all, there is no longer a trust factor between her and I that I feel bad about breaking. We're strangers now. This is the first contact we've had in months, I know nothing of her anymore and she knows nothing of me. It's along the same lines as if a stranger asked you out and you didn't want to go, you might say you have a boyfriend/girlfriend as an excuse even though it might not be true. Is that immoral? I think that's quite common. Secondly, I have learned that I need to put myself and my own healing before all else. If telling her what I told her keeps her from attempting reconsiliation (not that I know for sure that's what she wants), that makes things easier for me. I don't need the temptation of getting back together with her because I know that's not right for me. So while I appreciate your points of view, I certainly hope you can understand why I said what I said. Anyway, thanks again for your thoughts everyone. It really helps to know points of view of people who are not connected to the situation.

[dur-LiveIt]

Hi Skittles,

 

It seems you have worked this out in your own head.

 

But, just to go back to your original post and question, which did honestly generate much of the discussion here:

 

In any event, seeing her tonight has messed with my head, and I could really use some other opinions on the matter. I guess I'm just wondering if what I did was the healthy thing to do, or if I messed up a chance to reconcile with the woman that I have loved more than any other I have been with. Thoughts and suggestions are so appreciated!

 

I guess that is the beauty of this forum. We put out questions hoping for answers we want and then get answers from a myriad of directions, sometimes even one's we don't want to hear.

 

I am glad you have been able to sort out your stance on this issue with you and your ex and how you feel you need to proceed.

 

Keep your chin up and I hope you get to where you want to be, sooner than later. Best.

[gee]

I agree. He shouldn't have lied. The whole notion of lying and saying you are seeing someone when you are not is based on the feeling that a person is a loser and hasn't moved on if they are not dating someone else post break up. That is what leads to rebound relationships. If she ever finds out you lied, it will put you in a worse light than had you told her the truth. A really confident person would say "no, I am not seeing anyone, I have been very busy with work etc". In other words, it shows strength that you have a rich other life that gives you satisfaction and confidence...that there is more to life than dating.

 

I like what CAD wrote here! The last sentence stands out!

 

You need to be true to yourself!

 

gee

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The fact that you love her very much, was incredibly nervous when you saw her and couldn't think straight leads me to believe that you lied in order to show her that you can find someone else. It doesn't matter about the trust factor...there still is a big difference between lying to a perfect stranger and lying to an ex...when people claim to an ex that they are seeing someone else, it usually has to do with insecurity and trying to prove something to the ex....a "Hah, you hurt me and now I have moved on and am seeing someone else". Your post above is trying to rationalize actions which clearly you yourself don't feel good about. I don't think it does you any good to try to rationalize it and make excuses about how much better it was that you lied and that it really doesn't matter. In the grand scheme of things her opinion doesn't matter...but YOUR opinion of yourself does...and it sounds like you are not having an easy time accepting that you may have behaved out of character by lying to her. I think in the long run it would be better to accept that it wasn't the wisest decision and then put it behind you, rather than try to come up with reasons why it was a good thing that you lied. We all make mistakes...we all say or do things in the heat of the moment which were not wise and we wish we could have done differently...it is okay to make a mistake...it is better to make a mistake and acknowledge it than to make a mistake and try to rationalize it away.