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Annie's Journal of Dating and Body Hair Removal


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lol. i promise to update as soon as i hear anything.

 

apparently, some woman at Susan's work approached her like, "do you know any nice women for Mark?" (or whatever his name was - don't even remember his name!) She said she does. But I don't know if Mark has consented to go on a blind date.

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6. Don't put your boyfriend's job search ahead of your own job search. If he won't take responsibility for his own job search, then best to break up.

 

I know this may be an unpopular opinion, but I don't agree with this. I don't think you should date a guy without a job. Seriously. At this point in life, you need a man who has steady employment.

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I know this may be an unpopular opinion, but I don't agree with this. I don't think you should date a guy without a job. Seriously. At this point in life, you need a man who has steady employment.

 

Let me rephrase that. When I met Logan, he did have a job. For the first 6 weeks of our relationship anyway. During the course of our relationship, I became unemployed too - but quickly found new work.

 

So I mean, I understand layoffs, and I don't want to just drop a guy who has been laid off. But I do want to date a man who really actively goes and and tries to find new work in the case that happens. Logan said initially that he would take the first month easy and then start looking for work. I said ok. Which I understood at the time... but then he never picked up the pace until month.... 6, if at that. The second I found out I lost my job, I immediately went to the career center, got my resume fixed, started applying places, networking, etc... I didn't have the luxury of unemployment checks like he did. I'd rather date a guy who will go and do something similar if he loses his job.

 

I guess basically - if I meet another man who is unemployed, I probably won't go on another date with him. If he does become unemployed during the course of our relationship (which let's face it - happens!), I will watch his actions more closely and not be so reluctant to run away if I see he is dragging his heels.

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I think you're taking every circumstance that happened with Logan and tryin to predict that it'll happen the same way with the next guy. Don't look at it that way. Instead of saying "I will not date an unemployed man again," say instead "I want a man who has goals and ambitions similar to mine." Because that's really the case here with this item on your list--you two weren't similar in your views on careers. Simple as that. So look at morals, ambitions, and goals instead of the black and white employed vs unemployed.

 

FWIW, jared was unemployed a few months when we started dating. He wouldn't even get a job "beneath him" (like waiting tables like I was) and it drove me crazy. But he would do career centers and job fairs and such but had absolutely no income and wouldn't get anything for a side job. But I didn't hold it against him. He got a job and things are good.

 

As long as your values are similar, it shouldn't be so black and white

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I know - that's what I was trying to explain in my response to Ms. Darcy - I wasn't trying to be black and white, but to look at his total actions and the circumstances.

 

Logan and I had similar views on careers (at least verbally). He really wants to be a teacher. He also doesn't want to do a job "beneath him." So I listened to his words, but not so much his actions (which were mainly him sitting on his couch, watching netflix, not finding work). He told me he appreciated my encouragement and wanted me to kind of "light a fire under his butt." I never went so far as doing that I think. I would send him announcements for job fairs and such. He would sometimes go, sometimes not. Or I'd send him job announcements which he'd rarely reply to or follow up on. Or tell me he wasn't qualified for whatever reason.

 

I recently remembered one night where I invited him to go job hunting with me at Starbucks. I said bring your laptop and we can look for jobs. He came over, no laptop. I was like, "where's your laptop?" He said, "Oh I thought I would use yours." I said no, the purpose is that you look for your job, I want to look for my next job and work on my resume. He said 'oh." he wound up searching that night on his phone.

 

I remember when he was on the phone with one of the commission job recruiters. He had a phone interview while at my place. He told her flat out that he only wanted to do this for a year until he started student teaching. After the phone interview, I was like, "why are you telling employers you'll only be there for one year?" he said he wanted to be honest about his intentions. I'm like, "you're shooting yourself in the foot here!"

 

I told him, not all that long ago, that i didn't really care where he worked, so long as he found something and he enjoyed it. He said, "I know, and I love you for that." Truthfully, it bothered me more and more with time. If he had only been unemployed a few months, it would have been fine (or less bad for me)..... but it just dragged on and on, to the point where he drained that inheritance he got over the summer. If he had found a job in July or August, he would still have that inheritance to buy a new (used) car with.

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But honestly, it's all moot. He didn't really love me in a deep, meaningful way. I was willing to let a lot slide as long as he loved me. If he didn't break up with me, we'd probably still be together right now.

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Gosh, I think of my dad and he was so hard working. I feel like such a slacker compared to him. Not that he was a workaholic - no, he went to work at 8, was back by 5:30, always home for dinner. Sometimes he had work to do, which he did while i did my homework. but he was always there and a very engaged parent. My dad was definitely very responsible, and thought about the future. These are all qualities I want in a future spouse.

 

I don't mind if a guy doesn't have as high a paying or "important" job - but just that he contributes. Heck, I thought it was so cute when my cat used to bring home dead mice and put them in front of the fridge - it was like that was his contribution to the household. lol. Even if my salary is 3X my man's, I just want a guy who is making an effort to bring in money to the household and help out. I guess from Logan's perspective, he never asked me for my help, and wasn't relying on me. From my point of view, I was scared he wasn't going to change his ways if we did ever move in together.

 

It just takes time, I guess - to see what are the words and what is the reality. If Logan had told me in February that he wasn't going to get a new job until October, I would have ran. I would have had more sympathy if he spent 8 hours a day looking for work and came up empty. But he was just so.... lazy.

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Maybe it's moot to analyze him further, but I think it's useful to learn from every relationship what you will and won't tolerate in a partner.

 

However, the more important lesson (IMHO) is about what YOU (general you) can do differently in the next relationship, because that is something under your own control.

 

Recognizing if someone is not suitable is a huge skill set to develop while dating and trying to find the right person for a long term relationship. It's not a simple waste of time being too long in the wrong relationship, but I think the emotional burden is just too high the longer one stays with the wrong person (for whatever reason).

 

While often it seems (especially here on ENA) that breaking up is like a sort of sin (there is a huge negative bias towards the person who has ended the relationship in a lot of responses), I think taking the decision into your own hand if and when to end a relationship is empowering and furthers your emotional health. This is not to say that one should give up at the first sign of challenges, but there are too many people (especially women) who remain in relationships long past the point where they recognize that the other person is not right for them.

 

I think you should spend a bit more time thinking about that list you made after your last therapy session (what you have learned from the relationship) and dig a bit deeper why you felt unable to end the relationship.

 

Your above quote

 

But honestly, it's all moot. He didn't really love me in a deep, meaningful way. I was willing to let a lot slide as long as he loved me. If he didn't break up with me, we'd probably still be together right now.

 

should actually read : ..... you let a lot of things slide, ALTHOUGH he didn't love you. - Try to figure out why that was acceptable for you and why you translated the "although" into "as long as" [sorry if this seems confusing].

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I was also really turned off when he was talking about the inheritance money he expected to get from his dad (this convo was in Sept). That kind of talk really aggravates me in general. I guess that goes back to the "different views on money" thing. To me, parents' money is parents' money. You hope that they can enjoy it in the end of their lives, and don't count on it coming your way. If you do get something, that is nice and a bonus. Plus, what if they leave it all to charity or their Shih tzu? He said he would use that money (inheritance from his dad) for his kids' college fund, but I didn't really buy that.

 

My half brother and I had a convo about this too some years ago. He thought my mom should divorce her husband (our step-dad) because "he is taking all OUR money." I said it's our mom's money, hers to do as she wants, and if she wants to enjoy nice vacations with her husband, then she should do that. She's alive, and is enjoying it, so good.

 

gah....

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should actually read : ..... you let a lot of things slide, ALTHOUGH he didn't love you. - Try to figure out why that was acceptable for you and why you translated the "although" into "as long as" [sorry if this seems confusing].

 

I think I understand what you are trying to say. It was very confusing. I was really HOPING that he would be able to fully love me once he found a job and felt more settled. However, as has been said here and in therapy, people fall in love at all sorts of times in their lives, it's something that you feel, and isn't necessarily dependent on having a job/not having a job/being depressed/not being depressed.

 

He would call me "his love" and tell his friends I'm the woman he loves, while not saying, "i love you" to my face like that directly. I was hoping if I just held in there longer, it would happen and whatever barriers he was facing would melt away. If he didn't see me for 4 or more days, he would tell me he missed me. He was very affectionate with me, and to our friends, we looked like a couple in love. But then when he told me in late August that he wasn't "head over heels" - ouch. That was so awful. I should have left then, but I really hoped once he felt more settled, he would be happy to move forward with us.

 

sigh. crying again.

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Hugs. Didn't mean to make you cry

 

oh no, it's not you. it's just the situation. It's hard because I felt like he loved me, at least on some level, and I thought it would grow to a deeper level if I just hung in there and was patient and let him go at his own pace. and then it's like, "no, bye!!" ugh.

 

I also thought back to my ex T. I wrote about him here back in... 2006? Gosh. Both Logan and T broke up with me soon after I asked both of them if they were alcoholics. I don't remember the specific incident it was with T. He also never had a DUI, but he used alcohol to I think a really unhealthy level. He also defended drunk driving as "something that everyone does where I come from." (That doesn't make it right ) Logan said it was a low blow when I asked him that (I asked him after he canceled our date because he drank too much the night before and was feeling sick). In truth, these are the only 2 people in my life I've ever asked that question to - and both broke up with me within a week.

 

It's not like I go around asking that question of people randomly. I obviously had some good reasons. My therapist said that neither guy probably wanted to face that question and answer it honestly to themselves - thus they broke up with me.

 

My aunt (an addictions expert), said that addicts love their drug above all else. Their mother is a distant 2nd, and nothing else makes the list.

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I'm glad Penelope pointed that passage out. I agree with her. I think there's something inherently unhealthy in your wording. To me it speaks volumes of your self esteem levels and anxiety issues. Like there's one thing to fix all and this is it. When really you know that's not true but you're jus hoping it is.

 

You are very quick to tell people on this forum to dump their SO for xyz reasons but you of course know it's not always so easy. In your situation you let yourself get further away from unhappiness bc you were hoping for something to validate you. You're an independent phd who's great with money and people and you understand drive and why it's important. But your self worth IMO only allows you these second string guys that give you white knight syndrome like someone else pointed out. Your validation for yourself comes from fixing and solving problems (to be expected--you are a scientist!). But you wildly separate your relationships with people from your relationships with your experiments. I rarely see you doubt your experiments (when you mention them anyway!) but I frequently see you doubt your relationships with people.

 

You're so so smart. You know you are. But your self esteem needs to grow in order to keep yourself from keeping up the same patterns in your relationships. But you have to stop the patterns (red flags) as soon as you see then in order to keep yourself from being trapped by them.

 

I hope this all makes sense and that it's obvious it's said through friendship and not through judgement.

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I don't fully agree with you here, hers. It's true, on the forum, I'm quick to say, "dump him" to a poster, when in real life, I see it is so much harder when there is a flesh and blood person in front of you, rather than words on a screen. But I didn't have white knight syndrome with him. I mean, I just tried to be a nice and supportive girlfriend, that is it. I'd say I was more guilty of wishful thinking rather than trying to save him. He was supportive of me when I lost my job, I was trying to be supportive of him. That's all. He told me that this time last year, he was working as much overtime as he could get at his old job. I was waiting to see a glimpse of that guy again.

 

I do question my experiments, A LOT. I just don't post about it here because it would be uninteresting to maybe all but 2 of you. And I don't want to get scooped by a random other scientist doing a google search and coming accross my experimental findings. Even when i post on scientific forums, my questions in general, are pretty vague.

 

i feel like the biggest issues was that i gave him too much the benefit of the doubt, and waited way too long, hoping for a chance he would change into a better version of himself. when i wanted to break up, he said he didn't want to, that he wanted to be with me, and that he chose his words badly. it sucks. i just wanted to believe him that's all.

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I didn't intend to offend you. I apologize if I did. But my biggest point was that you should listen to your instinct more next time--if you want to break up, don't let someone make you doubt your decision.

 

The thing with your experiments was only an example. I know you don't talk about them much for that reason and I get it.

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I guess basically - if I meet another man who is unemployed, I probably won't go on another date with him. If he does become unemployed during the course of our relationship (which let's face it - happens!), I will watch his actions more closely and not be so reluctant to run away if I see he is dragging his heels.

 

Ultimately, I think this is the idea I was getting at. I think you deserve someone who is willing to do work that is "beneath him" to pull in money. I know it sounds mean, but in this country anyway if you want to work, you can work. You may not like the work, but you can work. Of course there are exceptions and there may be lapses, but I'm speaking generally.

 

Remember that article you posted about the woman who was happy with her husband but for the fact that he didn't have a job. They had similar goals and loved each other but she was shouldering the financial burden - point blank. I have seen a couple of friends in the same situation ... having unemployed/underemployed men mooching off of others (family/their partners) because they can. Everyone can say they have values that are similar to you, but if they are not hustling to get back on track, they aren't a good prospect for a husband at all.

 

I know you'll have plenty of time to think about this in the future. But I just kinda think, you know what? It doesn't make you a gold digger for wanting a man with a job.

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Now he had a masters Degree. It's not like he appeared to be someone lacking any ambition. I can understand not jumping at the first entry level job. But he insisted he wasn't qualified to do more. It was very frustrating watching that. If I lost my job, I wouldn't apply to Starbucks right away, but would plug away looking for jobs in my field. At first, I thought he was taking his time to find something he was well suited for. But in the end, he took a job I'm not sure you need beyond a high school education. Sigh.

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I think sometimes we date someone and then down the road look back and wonder: "Why did I date that person"? Despite all the confusion and sadness you are experiencing now, I think L is going to be one of those people for you in a few months time. He may have had good traits as well but you are going to see the bad ones in a more objective way and wonder what was I thinking....

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