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Annie's Journal of Dating and Body Hair Removal


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I texted Logan, he said he will drop off the package and money tomorrow. So, ok... let's see.

 

I took my friend Tina out for a birthday lunch which was horrible. I need to take her out again. I ordered the bruschetta (I'm not too hungry) off the appetizer menu for lunch. He came back after 10 minutes and said sorry, they didn't have it. I said, "ok, i'd like the pumpkin ravioli." he comes back later, 10 minutes later saying that they don't have it. I said, 'well, what do you have?" he said, 'we have all the salads..." i said, "fine, i'd like the caprese salad with balsamic vinegarette." he comes back with the salad and says they don't have balsamic vinegarette. (Seriously, an italian restaurant???) finally Tina and I have our lunches, and then i see the waiter asking someone is this a bottle of olive oil?? (he's holding balsamic vinegar) - i was like, "that's balsamic vinegar - can I have that?" geez. horrible service. maybe he was having a bad day. who knows.

 

anyway, Tina was really understanding and kind and kind of like what the rest of you said, "Annie, you will do better." sigh. It kind of doesn't feel like that now. but it always feels like after a breakup "oh, i'll never find anyone again." but i mean, logically i know of course i will meet someone, i just don't know when or if they will be a good match or whatnot.

 

Tina's 37 and has been with her bf for 6 months. While they have said i love you and had lots of fun trips and stuff, she wants to settle down and have kids, and he's divorced and going through a custody battle with his ex wife and i don't know how down he is for that (having kid #3 in the next few years). so... she said she knows she will have to make a decision relatively soon. she's also been searching for a job for a year and has not found anything (however, she has been employed this whole time, finishing her postdoc).

 

sigh. rough times for all of us. I want to take her out again, at a restaurant that has food, and maybe have a happier conversation soon.

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Ugh! Sorry about lunch! Tell Tina from this well-meaning stranger - time to leave if she wants a shot at having biological children (I was 38 when I finally ended my on and off relationship - I know what that feels like).

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Tina said she will talk to him about things before the holidays. I know it's hard and bad timing, but yeah, i think that she has to same concerns that you did. Tina's also very anxious because she hasn't found a job yet. I know that she will, it will just take time. Hopefully soon though!

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Gosh this topic makes me so uneasy. I'm almost 30 now, but I don't even know if I want kids or not. I know time flies so I should probably decide. Then I think, even if I decide I want kids, I might prefer to adopt (for multiple reasons) - in which case biological time lines matter less, and being fit and healthy (in preparation for the long run) matters more. I'm not sure if that is the right way to think.

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To be honest, I'm on the fence about having kids. I could go either way, I think. there are pros and cons. I enjoy being an aunt and all that it entails. But I really don't want to have a child unless my husband is 150% in. I wouldn't want to have a child as a single mother - it's just not my style. It's so much work. That's why I was especially concerned about Logan. he really wants kids, and he would light up when he'd see a cute kid on the street, or a boy looking at a bug. I know that he would make a loving father and would play games with the kids, but I was worrying about him being a responsible one. I was very worried that he wasn't going to grow up and be financially responsible for his family. i mean, i would still be the main breadwinner, i thought, but i would want someone who is pulling their share anyway. I wasn't certain that Logan would rise to that challenge.

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I'm so certain about kids. It's weird. Like if I think about my dream day - it's taking my 3 or 4 kids to Disney World, not my wedding day. Having children is more important to me than getting married in a way. But, at the same time, I also only want children if I'm married to a lovely guy. It's so weird. I guess in the end it means I care about marriage just as much? I'm feeling a lot of pressure to get pregnant in the next few years - ideally I would have the first at 30 but that probably means I then have to start trying around my wedding day since that is definitely pretty far away. Argh, so stressful.

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I agree with the part about needing a partner to raise a kid. But sometimes I fantasize that - even if I do not find a partner, maybe I would like to adopt a kid one day. Not a newborn but a 4-5 year old. Everybody wants to adopt newborns but there are so many older kids without parents It makes me sad.

 

But I know taking care of a kid financially and emotionally would be too difficult when you don't have a partner. So I probably imagine only the good sides - which is not too rational a point of view.

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Just saw the outcome of the needing to talk.

 

Remember: You met him on Craigslist.

 

'Nuff said.

 

Loser.

 

lol, simplifying the issue. yeah, i was hoping it was going to turn out well. sigh. i'm so tired.

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I agree with the part about needing a partner to raise a kid. But sometimes I fantasize that - even if I do not find a partner, maybe I would like to adopt a kid one day. Not a newborn but a 4-5 year old. Everybody wants to adopt newborns but there are so many older kids without parents It makes me sad.

 

But I know taking care of a kid financially and emotionally would be too difficult when you don't have a partner. So I probably imagine only the good sides - which is not too rational a point of view.

 

That's my plan. I imagine having a stable household with one parent is infinitely better than having no parents and maybe living with many different foster families. I would like to adopt two kids from the foster care system when I'm able to and ready.

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well,maybe i can still make it to the event (sans costume) if things wrap up here quickly.

 

i dunno. combination of all things. upset i didn't break up with him in august before his sister's wedding (hindsight is 20/20). but at least i feel relieved i gave it a chance. i feel hurt and sad. he said i was a great girlfriend and it was nothing i did. i'm just hurt that he didn't love me enough to stay. i feel kind of angry/jealous at him, and if he's hitting on/asking out new girls already. i just feel like a pile of sad. there's also a party that some people on my floor are going to, and the hostess seemed like she was about to invite me, but then her advisor walked in. so, people are talking about this party and i don't want to invite myself, but it would have been fun to go. but anyway, i'm going to another one tomorrow, so that will be good (and many of the same people will be there).

 

on the plus side, i guess there are some new opportunities now. i'm no longer limited to the area. i can move away, and specifically, my "dream jobs" are not in this metro area so i can start looking. I was on the phone today with a collaborator. she brought up the idea of maybe potentially hiring me at her institute - still not my dream job, but she said if i can't find anything, they are actually looking for someone with my skill set. but again, it's in academia, and i would like to move on....

 

i mean, yeah, the upside is that now i can look for jobs out side the area, without worrying about Logan and the relationship.

 

i just feel sad. i miss him. i mean, we've been talking every day for the last 8 months. it's hard when suddenly we're not.

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I don't know. sometime last week, i came home and i randomly started crying. nothing precipitated it, but i just felt deep down that it wasn't working with logan, despite how much i was trying, and despite the nice fun times.

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That sadness will linger for awhile. I still feel sad most days - not over the man he is now but of the man he let slip away. I feel like tht man, the man who was a good, honorable man deserves to be mourned. So mourn the good Logan was, how he treated you when he was good. It's part of the healing.

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And you know this but it will get easier. I was a hot mess te first 2 weeks, I couldn't go a day without crying. But for me once I had proof he'd already moved on, it clicked something in me. An you will have that moment. I've cried once in the last few weeks and again, it was mostly that sadness of who he use to be. Or who I thought it was.

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it's probably about the disappointment that you will have to start over, finding someone knew - that's totally understandable! Go out and have fun this weekend; things will start to look better with a bit of distance.

 

Keeping busy by either socializing or even working will hopefully help with distracting your mind and thus lesson the sadness.

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I know it sucks. starting all over again. Carol's been dating a string of idiots or flakes or men offering her money for sex. I mean, ugh. just the thought of doing that all again. ugh. Logan wasn't perfect, but I just enjoyed spending nice evenings with him.

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I'm on my way out right now to a music event with my friend nancy and her husband joe. Joe offered to slingshot him with some marbles, lol. Tina offered to put a hit out on Logan. My friends are sweet.

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Oh another thing about Logan I didn't like at all- as my friend Susan said, "he didn't know how to act in public." I don't know if I mentioned this on my journal before but the night he met Susan and her bf Curt, we had a double date. Then we had some drinks and Curt started talking about how the N word shouldn't have been censored out of a mark twain novel or something. And he actually used the N word and Susan (who is black) got really angry and said to him it was offensive. Logan said he wasn't trying to be offensive, just was illustrating the point.... Omg. Whole argument. Susan was relatively calm but firm that that was unacceptable.

 

Like seriously. Do you have to use the N word in front of my friends the first time you meet them???

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Oh another thing about Logan I didn't like at all- as my friend Susan said, "he didn't know how to act in public." I don't know if I mentioned this on my journal before but the night he met Susan and her bf Curt, we had a double date. Then we had some drinks and Curt started talking about how the N word shouldn't have been censored out of a mark twain novel or something. And he actually used the N word and Susan (who is black) got really angry and said to him it was offensive. Logan said he wasn't trying to be offensive, just was illustrating the point.... Omg. Whole argument. Susan was relatively calm but firm that that was unacceptable.

 

Like seriously. Do you have to use the N word in front of my friends the first time you meet them???

 

Like, did he say, "I agree. They shouldn't have censored out n-word" or did he actually use the n-word in another context to prove a point?!

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I don't remember the exact context because i missed part of the conversation while in the bathroom. But logan was trying to say that by censoring the word (N****) from classic texts, they were giving the word more power. WHY this topic of conversation came up, i don't know, but Logan liked to come up with kind of controversial topics to talk about. Even on our first date, he wanted to talk religion and politics. Which I guess can be a good filter from the get go, but c'mon - you are meeting my friend - who is black - for the first time, and throwing that word out there!! She was I think understandably not ok with it, saying she didn't like the word to be used in any context around her, particularly by a white guy. He said that he wasn't using the word as a bad word, but just talking about it in the context of classic literature, etc....

 

ugh, i mean, ugh. I can't imagine taking him to cocktail parties and whatnot. I took him to an event at my university once, and he was in a really bad mood after, because he was surrounded by my fellow scientists, and i know he felt really bad about himself for being unemployed without a career. I said it's not a big deal, just go, have fun, enjoy, but he was telling me he felt really uncomfortable there.

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