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Annie's Journal of Dating and Body Hair Removal


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You were always worried about him Annie and you were hoping for the best.

 

It sucks to hurt, any breakup hurts, but knowing that he wasn't Mr right should help with moving on. It's not like this amazing man that put so much effort in just slipped away, but a lazy man-boy not ready to grow up didn't want to be in an adult relationship.

 

You will eventually find someone that's a better fit and influences you positively rather than you doing all the heavy lifting. There was definitely a lack of balance of both of you being on the "same page" when you find someone that is you will be mich happier.

 

Let the sad go away slowly, try to eat well, crank up some exercise... The extra endorphins help with emotional pain.

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thanks. i'm going to try to lose the weight i gained during this relationship. partially because he liked it. but i know to have better luck on the dating market, it's better to be slimmer. although health is #1. cute clothes #2, lol.

 

sigh. i've barely eaten today. i had a latte and a bagel this morning and an energy bar this afternoon. not really any appetite.

 

it sucks when you fall for a person's potential instead of what you have in front of you. I gave him a break when he lost his job, as I lost mine too so I know what that's like. I guess the difference is i found a new job right away, whereas he really took his sweet time, enjoying unemployment checks, reading, smoking pot, hanging out with me. he said that the last 7 months would have been a lot worse without me. that, i'm sure of.

 

 

 

will i find someone better? really? i mean, better than him, sure. I see how hard of a time my friends are having on the dating scene. though i know logically people get married everyday.

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You miss being in a relationship, having someone to share your life with - that is separate and independent from him. The more you talk and write about him (maybe it's a way for you to work through this faster?), the more obvious it is that he was not the right one for you.

 

no matter how much you would have tried or wanted it - he was not able to turn into the person you would have liked him to be. One person trying to make it work is not sufficient. You can't will someone or earn the right to make someone fall in love with you and wanting to make it work as well. It's unfortunately not how it works.

 

Longterm couples will tell you (however they word it) that maintaining a relationship and keeping it alive requires work and effort - from BOTH. However, the prerequisit is: to have a foundation of mutual love and a mutual willingness to do whatever is required. The emphasis being on mutual.

 

This may sound a bit harsh, but unfortunately it's true too many times: if a relationship is unbalanced where one person is obviously investing more and giving more, while the other one is on the profiting end without returning equally- in contrast to inducing love and earning respect it most often ends with loss of respect, an unhealthy imbalanced relationship, or a break up. People know when they are in a relationship where the other person is going out of their way to make them happy. Instead of gratitude, they lose respect, because you teach them that no matter how little they are willing to give to you, you keep giving to them.

 

So while you are mourning the end of a relationship and you are sad about that, remember that he just wasn't right for you. The sooner you can accept that (emotionally; rationally you know that already) the easier it will be to move on.

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Yeah I am trying to process and work through this. Sigh. You are right, the effort was not there. I feel sad. Tonight was our typical date night. I'm going out with a friend tonight instead. But right now, he'd usually be picking me up from the bus stop and taking me to his place where we would make dinner .

 

but it yeah just not a match. Too selfish.

 

One of my worst memories was when I was very sick back in May. He went and picked up my meds. Then made me dinner, took out my trash. Then he was really horny and really wanted sex. I was super not in the mood. I said ok, but I would lay there and make it fast. It was really..... Ugh. I wanted to make him happy but really don't know what he was like that, especially when I was sick.

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After a break up most people grieve the idea that they have to start over. That the person they were with wasn't "the one". It's rarely about that person. I mean...the things that you'll miss about him- the hugs while cooking, the sex, the kisses...that's all normal intimacy that happens in a relationship. You won't miss the broken promises, the worry, the pot....and those are specific Logan things.

 

I'm a huge believer that we get what we put out. And Annie, if you put out that you don't think you're worthy....you'll have a hard time meeting great guys. Believe that you're worthy. Believe that you're awesome, funny, smart and hot...and you'll have no problem meeting amazing guys.

 

There are tons of them out there. A ridiculous amount actually.

 

One of my friends said that...when you're ready to find the right guy, you put out a light...like a cab driver turning on his "on" light....and in no time, the right guy will flag you down You just need to get to a place where....you're happy again...and your light will shine so bright, that you'll be hard to miss

 

Don't exercise to lose weight. Exercise to take care of yourself. Have fun tonight

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going for sex on a sick girlfriend, yikes. That is indeed a very sad memory!

 

Honestly, the way I got over my ex is I remembered all the bad crap to help immediately shatter the rose colored glasses. It seems as though you haven't had them on in awhile anyway, which is a good thing. Part of the hard part is its UNCOMFORTABLE, your routine is broken and you must rebuild it. You have a good head on your shoulders and I promise you, this will be a very good thing for you.

 

Hope you have fun with your friend!

 

 

 

100% ^^ exercise for you, since it'll make you feel good, make you happy, and it's healthy. Who cares about weight. It's a necessary part of life in order to be happy in my opinion so just do it since it's good for you!!

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Y Then he was really horny and really wanted sex. I was super not in the mood. I said ok, but I would lay there and make it fast. It was really..... Ugh. I wanted to make him happy but really don't know what he was like that, especially when I was sick.

Like you were a blow up doll or something. That would make me feel so weird.

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One of my worst memories was when I was very sick back in May. He went and picked up my meds. Then made me dinner, took out my trash. Then he was really horny and really wanted sex. I was super not in the mood. I said ok, but I would lay there and make it fast. It was really..... Ugh. I wanted to make him happy but really don't know what he was like that, especially when I was sick.

 

It pains me to read that, first and foremost with how such actions disrespected you and your feelings, but I have personal stories about behavior like his you are describing here. The last thing I want to do when I can't breathe to the point I want to cut my head off or am hacking up a lung is the horizontal shag nasty, and it's the last thing I would impose upon a partner who was ill. Ugh!!

 

I am still so sorry this happened and that you are hurting. I don't know what more I can say in addition to what has been said here already, other than that I am thinking of you and support you moving forward. And you WILL move forward, even if emotionally you feel down in the trenches currently.

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How did it make you feel when he said that?

 

I don't know how I felt, but it's riduculous. He gets a $17 an hour job, and suddenly thinks he's like "the wolf of wall street" like Susan said.

 

He said he wanted to see if he could find someone more physically attractive to him. He said, "of course I think you're beautiful, i wouldn't be able to have sex with you if i didn't think that.' I said, "so what do you mean?" He said, "well, I'm picky i like certain things." i didn't push it further because this is just stupid. I'm curvy (which is what he likes), i have a phd, work at an ivy league, i have good career options, i have lots of friends, hobbies, i was completely devoted to him, cared for him - would any other woman be so devoted to him? no. it's just stupid. Unless "better" means chubbier, smokes pot, and has cats.

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Oh susan is so angry at him, she is ready to put her foot through his ass. Susan's an attorney also, she is beyond ready to file on my behalf to get the rent money back if he doesn't do it. I didn't get it today. I was thinking about texting him tonight that if he doesn't bring or mail me the checks by Nov 1, I was going to initiate a court filing next week. The check i wrote said "loan" on it.

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i know. i know. honestly, i don't think it would get to that point. i do think he'll pay me back. He said he will drop the checks by this week so i think he will do it. However, knowing his history, I also know that he owed his ex some money and it took him a while to pay her back. If he doesn't, then i'll have to tell him i will file.

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Susan is funny. I talked with her for a while on the phone. She is definitely ready to go after him. I had dinner with my friend Nancy. She's more of a even tempered woman, into meditation and yoga. And then Susan and Tina offered to "jack up his car" for me. I said that wouldn't work, his car is already jacked up. Seriously. They could key his car, it would not matter. She's like, "Well, i'll go put sugar in his tank!" lol. gotta love her.

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But Annie, what if "better" means someone who accepts him the way he is now, and feels proud of him and excited for a future with him the way he is now?

 

Now, personally, I think all your fears and concerns about him were completely legitimate, and I do not think he would have made you happy in the long term with his personality and flaws. So I completely support and understand why there were many things about him you did not like.

 

But I think you also have to see, how, even if you were an amazing girlfriend to him and did a lot to make the relationship fun and exciting and intimate, maybe you loved his potential or the idea of what you could be more than you loved him. And while he had his doubts about long-term with you from early on, and he said he was not head over heels, in the past couple of months you have been very unhappy with him, and have told him so, and have told him many ways in which he needed to change to satisfy you. Nevermind that you may be objectively right, I do think it would make anyone start to doubt the relationship if their SO was so un satisfied. When you say you're disappointed in him and that you feel he is immature and lazy, that can't be making him feel good. When everyone is saying wow how did he land you and he better try to not mess things up because you're so nice to put up with him, that can't make him feel good either.

 

I definitely think he is selfish and immature, but I do think your unhappiness in the past few months with him is part of his decision. And that's ok, and good, because it was not right! However, I think he ended a relationship that was in the rocks, and it's not just that he loved you enough. I don't think you would have been happy with him until he changed, quite a bit from how he is now, and maybe he sensed that too and realized he was just not going to be the person you wanted, or that maybe that meant that you weren't what he wanted. While we may think of him having a less educated, pot-smoking gf as a downgrade, he may simply think of it as someone with whom it will be a bit smoother sailing. Obviously the best thing to do is to challenge ourselves and better ourselves, but many people look for what's comforting and comfortable and someone who likes them just the way they are, in a relationship. Remember in Bridget Jones' Diary when Darcy says that he likes Bridget just the way she is, and all the singletons think that is just the nicest thing anyone has ever said to any of their group?

 

Just a different perspective. Please don't think I'm saying that you did anything wrong or that you weren't a great girlfriend to Logan. I just think he was willing to accept that you two were butting heads, and was willing to end it when you were still hoping somehow things would work out. In a sense, I think he beat you to the punch, because he knew he wasn't going to become that guy you wanted. And for sure I think landing a job gave him enough stability that he felt ready to "rock the boat".

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I think you're right sophie - actually, i think everyone is right in their own way.

 

I guess for me, the biggest thing was the lack of love, and he didn't tell me he loved me until just a few weeks ago. I could have dealt with everything else. You're right, i'm sure that he wants to be with someone who feels fulfilled by him. Ultimately, that wasn't me. i know - i think it's all of the above. but seriously, telling me to go have sex with lots of guys on okcupid? ugh. what the heck.

 

it just sucks. logan tells me he has very few friends in the area (true) and if it weren't for me, he would have been sitting at home alone for the last 7 months.

 

i mean, i get it, it's no fun to be with someone who is disappointed by your actions. i don't want to be with someone who considers me a disappointment. but then again, i had legitimate reasons to be disappointed. i'm not a high maintanence girl, like, "wow, can you believe he took me to a 4 star restaurant instead of a 5 star restaurant??" i mean, i've never been that girl, i've never demanded he buy me anything, i just wanted to spend time with him, hang out, take walks, talk do stuff together. I didn't care that he didn't have a great paying job, i'm ok with a guy who makes less than me, as long as he loves me.

 

But i think everything started going downhill back in July when we went to that concert, i told him i loved him, and he wouldn't say it back. That's really for me when all the doubts started creeping in, i think obviously and rightfully so.

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2 weeks ago, when he cancelled our date because he was too hung over/sick, i accussed him of being an alcoholic. he said that was a low blow. i said no, i was genuinely thinking that - between his DUI and getting so drunk that he's cancelling dates. He said, "you cancel dates all the time!" i said that was true (usually because of work, cancelling our wednesday night date so i could stay later at work.)

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Oh, he's said so many things that are just ... He needs to learn about tact and empathy.

 

Your expectations were completely reasonable in general ... But not reasonable for him, because that's not who he is. And maybe one day he will be, but he doesn't seem to be planning on it. While you were still hoping he'd get it together, he knew he wouldn't in a way that would make you happy, IMO.

 

I think,after the initial rough phase, you will feel less stressed, because you spent a lot of time worrying about him and for him.

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tact isn't his strong suite. he just says stupid stuff all the time. i mean, some of it i just dealt with. Dan Savage calls it "the price of admission." ie, in a relationship, things aren't going to be perfect, there are things about your partner that are just going to annoy you, but you deal with it, because it's just part of being together. i get it and was ok with a lot of it and just tried to deal with it or tune it out (like when we would be driving, and he would start going off on a rant about something - he just liked to rant).

 

but yeah, i think that unreturned "i love you" followed by "i'm not head over heels with you" just set off a downward spiral of negative emotions for me. i didn't expect him to propose to me, but i was expecting if we were together for 6 months and he was taking me to his sister's wedding that it really meant something, but i think for him it was more about going to a wedding and having fun vs. "introducing me to his extended family."

 

gah. all of it. gah.

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i'm ranting now too. lol.

 

i do think i'll feel better. now i can worry about my own job search instead of his! my colleagues at work sent some emails today about getting more funding for a project i'm working on, however, because of my employment title, i'd be the only one qualified to earn salary off of it. they asked me if i'd be willing to stick around. big decisions i'm not prepared to deal with in this mental state.

 

stupid jerk. He asked me last week to buy him a pack of undershirts next time i did the bargain shopping that i like to do. I just got a package from amazon tonight, in it was his stupid pack of undershirts. I'm going to return them. obviously.

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I think at ENA we have a tendency to vilify the dumper, when honestly, nobody is obligated I stay with anyone. Specially before marriage. Dating is a time of figuring if two people are compatible. I think Logan is a loser, but I don't think his decision to end things make him a jerk. Tactless? Maybe. But not a villain.

 

I'm on your side Annie, I just don't think vilifying him is going to help you heal. Ultimately, you have to realize you two simply were not compatible. The healthiest way to think about this is: "Logan was a nice guy and we had good times, but our life goals were not compatible so his decision to end things is actually a gift for me to be free to look for someone who I can actually build a future with". Logan didn't lie or cheat or abused you. Holding negative emotions is just not the best way to deal with this in my humble opinion.

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I needed to hate my ex for a while to get over him. I needed to think about all the crappy things he did to me, or I would be overwhelmed with thoughts of, "it wasn't THAT bad. Maybe if we try again, it will be different."

 

Do what you need to do. We all grieve in our own ways.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

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sigh. i'm also frustrated because i've been out of lexapro for over a week and my doctor isn't returning my calls to request a refill of the prescription. I went off my anxiety meds cold turkey and that's not good.

 

i'm just frustrated. period.

 

I wrote an email last night to the group of people Logan and I used to go to trivia night with (3 other women were part of the "core group"). I said it was a pleasure spending time with them and getting to know them, but I would no longer be attending trivia as Logan and I broke up, and I wished them the best. One girl was sweet, said I was welcome anytime. I said I wouldn't do that as I know that Trivia night was "logan's thing" and i don't want to intrude on that. Actually, Logan told me with his work schedule, he won't be able to go anymore either. I know he was upset about that.

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Hi Annie,

 

I've been following your journal for a while and really enjoy doing so because you come accross as kind, intelligent and fair. You have every right to be mad right now and your journal is exactly for that - to vent. No one is vilifying Logan, I think everyone who reads this blog and posts on it were also hoping for a happy end for you and Logan and are also frustrated and disappointed! I can imagine that Logan saw all those things I mentioned above (kind, intelligent etc.) and kept hoping that the spark would come (because these traits are not so common!) and because of that reason didn't want to let go of the relationship at the beginning/middle despite knowing deep down that it wasn't going to happen. Perhaps he saw you as his lifeboat while he didn't have a job and once he got back on his feet he realised he was being unfair stringing you along when he was unsure of his feelings for you. Do you think the things he said about POF and the girls at work were his way of getting you to hate him, thus removing some of your pain?

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