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Annie's Journal of Dating and Body Hair Removal


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I usually don't comment much on your situation because I know how hard it is to end a relationship. It is always easier to give rational advice to others than to take our own advice. I think and it is obviously that you care about him a great deal, but remember sweetie you can't change him - shouldn't have to.

 

I think there will be a breaking point, and that has to be on your own timeline. When you are ready to let go.

 

I'm sorry you went to bed crying.

Sending you many positive vibes and big hugs.

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awww, thanks.

 

i do NOT want to break up with him. i was watching a set of videos that Evan Marc Katz has on "Why you stay too long with the wrong man." Out of the 6 topics, I think a good 3-4 of them applied to Logan and I. And I want him to change. I really do. Change as in "grow up and be an adult and be responsible" not like he is an artist and I want him to be an accountant, or vice versa.

 

Out of our entire relationship, he's only been employed for the first 5 weeks (after that he was laid off), so I've never really seen him in "responsible adult mode." He said he used to take the max overtime he could to make as much money as he could. I've just never really seen that side of him??

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i do NOT want to break up with him.

 

Ok, great. you know what you want - now accept him for who he is, not who you want him to be. Let go of pushing your expectations and timeline on him. Growing up really is a personal process and people need to do it in their own timeframe.

 

If you can't accept it, you are just going to make yourself and him unhappy.

 

As to staying in a relationship until a new opportunity presents itself: would you be able to look for a potentially new partner while you are in a relationship (i'm not judging, just asking)? Yes, for the people who are able to do this it seems they can simply skip the being alone phase, but I'm not really sure if that makes for a healthy stable new relationship (apart from the moral aspects) either.

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Ok, great. you know what you want - now accept him for who he is, not who you want him to be. Let go of pushing your expectations and timeline on him. Growing up really is a personal process and people need to do it in their own timeframe.

 

If you can't accept it, you are just going to make yourself and him unhappy.

 

As to staying in a relationship until a new opportunity presents itself: would you be able to look for a potentially new partner while you are in a relationship (i'm not judging, just asking)? Yes, for the people who are able to do this it seems they can simply skip the being alone phase, but I'm not really sure if that makes for a healthy stable new relationship (apart from the moral aspects) either.

 

I'm really not the type to cheat or to flirt or mislead a guy until the next one is ready. It's just not me. If I broke up with logan, i would want to be single for a few months and cry at home.

 

acceptance is hard. i think my mother's never really accepted me for who I am which is why our relationship is so difficult.

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I don't think it'd be easy for you to stay with him till you find someone else. It wouldn't be fair to you. It took you some time to get over your break up with M, so I think you'd need to take time from this one too.

 

I'm with Penelope though. Accept or move on. You know that my husband has had a lot of growing up he's had to do and we got married before I realized that so it wasn't so easy for me to just move on. I still think he has some growing to do but so do I so we grow together. That's the key for us--grow together or grow apart. You have to figure out which one he's able to do with you.

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Annie, sorry to hear that you are feeling down. I do hope things work out and that you are able to be happy again.

 

Do you think you can give him a few months, to see if he gets his act together (aka does overtime, etc)? The only thing that concerns me if he is doing this change for you, or for himself. I've learned in life, that if you do changes for others, it doesn't last or it becomes a point of contention. But, if you are doing the change because YOU want to, you are more apt to keep to the changes and preservere

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A couple of thoughts. It's great that now he's saying he loves you, will smoke pot less and get health insurance. It also sounds like he's saying what you want to hear and we know that acting on his words is not his strong point. I'm not saying it's impossible for all that to happen, but just something to keep in mind.

 

You keep saying that you want to see him be a responsible adult, but he hasn't been in that place because of his unemployment. I'd argue that this isn't true. You can still be a responsible adult while unemployed. You spend less and make your time useful. He could have been attending networking events, unemployment support groups, volunteering in his chosen field so it's not a gap of time on his resume, etc. He didn't choose to do this. You don't get a free pass out of being a responsible adult because you lose your job. In fact, I'd say you have to up your responsible adult game by a lot.

 

All that being said, I get why it's so hard to make the decision. Like you've said, it'd be easier if there was a significant triggering event. It's so much harder when your gut and head tell you it just isn't right, but your heart still wants to be with the person. I think in a sense, you're going through the break up while still being with him. If/when it finally happens, you will have already been through the bulk of the heartache as opposed to if you had just pulled the plug immediately. You need to listen to your gut when you're ready though. It's always right. After every dating situation has ended, I always look back and remember how I had a gut feeling that it wasn't a good situation. You also have to take him for who he is, not who you both want him to be. He can say he's that ideal guy all he wants, but if he never actually acts that way...well then he isn't. You guys have been together for 8 months, right? If he hasn't shown you that side of him by now, it's just not there. Maybe it will be years from now, but that's a big maybe.

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this

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he's told me that he does love me, will lessen the pot, and will get health insurance.

 

well, we'll see how the convo goes tonight. sigh. i just want to date an adult, not my high school boyfriend, as justagirl said.

 

Are you happy that he said he loves you? That was a big step for him, it seems (not the feeling, the expression). He has to want to be an adult for him despite of course liking your support and encouragement.

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It sounds like you are not ready to do it but I'm going to post this anyways: think I posted a bit on ENA when I was about to break-out with T. Well, it took me about 6 months to really end things. It was a 2.5 years relationship. Anyways, the point is, making the decision to pull the plug and DOING it has been harder than the break-up itself for me. I went to therapy, had to take sleep medication, all pre break-up. I knew in my heart the decision was made but I could not bring myself to do it. And yes, I did need a few triggers. I started getting more attracted to other guys, long-distance was taking it's toll, I was feeling disconnected from him... Still, once I talked to him and ended things, everything became much more easy and clear. I broke-up with T around November of last year, and I haven't regretted my decision once. As people who read my threads on the dating forum knowns (Batya, looking at you!), it hasn't really been a smooth ride. I've been rejected, heart broken, down, depressed, anxious. Yet, I've never, once, for 1 minute regretted my decision. It was the right thing to do and I'm glad I had the courage to do it.

 

Just know that no matter what you decide to do, the situation you are in now (making the decision and acting upon it) is the hardest. Or at least it was for me.

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yeah, it is hard to do. hugs.

 

sigh. well, logan and I talked a lot. I basically told him he needs to be an adult, and he insists he is on the way to that - starting work soon, he said he will sign up for health insurance. I told him that he needs to get a side job - whatever it is - to put away some extra money. He's been talking about moving to a cheaper apartment ever since i met him. he may have to find roommates or a shared household, but it's a possibility. i told him that i'm tired of this unemployed boyfriend crap. he insists he is tired of it too. i said if he had a wife and kids (any wife, not just me!) this unemployed thing would not fly - he agrees, and points out that he's felt like he didn't have that pressure because it's just him. i told him, 'well, how do i know that? how do i know if this happened again you wouldn't be unemployed until our money ran out?'

 

so, i guess, we will see. he tells me that he has loved me, he's just not great at expressing it. i just said i wanted to hear the words, that was it. i don't need grand gestures, i just needed to know it's worth it - what i'm waiting for. because if he doesn't love me, then everything is moot. he insists that he does.

 

so, let's see what happens now....? sigh. and if i can accept him for who he is.... all of him.

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Just be careful you don't get sucked into the trap of wanting to save him and help him grow up. Cause that never works.

 

No, it doesn't. I told a girlfriend of mine, she said her exhusband was the same - never wanted to work hard, dropped out of grad school. they had a daughter, and she felt a lot of pressure to keep the family together. finally she divorced him and came to the US. she found a bf here, she says is more of a father to her daughter than her ex-H ever was. She said the ex husband finally found a job, still lives with his parents, and sends $0 in financial support to their daughter. she said don't try to change him because he will never change.

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I don't know if I can say anything else that the other posters haven't already, as they've laid out their words so well. Just know I am going through something very similar, and I am trying to muster the courage to do what needs to be done. It is always darkest before the dawn, as I've always said...no matter which way this situation goes with you. It wasn't unlike when I was trying to find a job a few years ago--the worst times were right before I got my big break.

 

If you would like to talk know I am always here.

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I don't really have any words, annie. Everyone else is dead-on. I just wanted to say, regardless if he improves or if you leave him, you deserve better than what he is right now and I think you know that. You really do.

 

Ultimately, I think you need to come to peace within yourself in terms of leaving him, if you're going to do that. I don't want to push you into anything because you're only going to handle it well once you are good and ready to break it off. I think when you are ready, you are ready, and if things continue on as they have been, you will ultimately do the right thing, even if it takes you some time to get your thoughts in order. It's okay.

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Thanks all. I'm feeling better tonight. I guess we'll see how things go. I told him I am not going to be with a guy who is going to use the last of our savings while not looking for a job. He agrees and says that he would have acted differently if he had dependents. But I said, how do I know that?? sigh. Well, let's see how the new job pans out. He still hasn't heard officially from the other job he interviewed with, they said they would tell him next week, so he will start the first one on monday. If the job in the city offers more money, he'll take that.

 

Logan is so freaking stubborn. Like yesterday, we walked to his car, and I'm like, "you can't park here, it's a no parking zone." He explained he's not blocking anything, he's far from the corner, there's no fire hydrant, it's a stupid rule. And I'm like, yes, i understand all that, but the parking people are insane in our city, and will write you a $75 ticket for anything and they work around the clock. gah.

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Annie, didn't you say that he's the sort of person who would do something that's unlawful just to be unlawful? For example, I remember your scenario that you wrote: if blueberries were illegal to eat for breakfast, he would eat them for breakfast not because he really likes blueberries but just because he would want to break that rule. Which makes no sense to me and says a lot about his mindset (versus maybe eating blueberries for breakfast on the stealth because you really, really like them and you feel it's worth the risk BECAUSE you enjoy them). But breaking rules just to break rules is dumb. Am I correct, annie? I think that's what you said before. I am not sure, sorry if I'm wrong.

 

I don't really understand his thinking on "well I'd act differently if I had dependents". Why would that matter? Obviously things are more dire if you have children but I'm of the mind that you need to be financially responsible even if you're on your own. Eating into your savings isn't good!

 

I am with you on the parking. Yes, a lot of parking rules are stupid. However, I don't like getting a ticket so I follow them. I would probably break more illogical parking rules if I knew that there wasn't a monetary consequence to my actions. Many people are like me, which is why parking tickets exist. It's a darn good incentive. Is $75 really worth it just to break a rule for the sake of breaking a rule? I'd rather park my car normally and spend a few extra minutes walking than pay $75. Not worth it.

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Sorry I am going to be offensive but he sounds like a borderline idiot with reasoning like that... not a hardworker and proclaims certain rules as "stupid." It'll be even dumber when you're covering his $75 ticket because he quit his second job.

 

Sorry to be so mean but I've been quietly following for a long time and just don't see what the good side of him is. If he had dependents? I call complete bull...if he acts like that now, he'll act like that with kids. Essentially it's a great line by a procrastinator... "When I have kids, I'll start working hard," sadly it doesn't work like that. The hope would be he'd be working hard because he wants to, OR he wants to slowly prepare himself and his life for that time when he has kids and so life for you and him is better... not retroactively get his sh** into gear after he knocks you or someone up. I am not buying it.

 

Does he have $75 to hand to the city based on principle? It won't change a thing.

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I am with you on the parking. Yes, a lot of parking rules are stupid. However, I don't like getting a ticket so I follow them. I would probably break more illogical parking rules if I knew that there wasn't a monetary consequence to my actions. Many people are like me, which is why parking tickets exist. It's a darn good incentive. Is $75 really worth it just to break a rule for the sake of breaking a rule? I'd rather park my car normally and spend a few extra minutes walking than pay $75. Not worth it.

 

He didn't do it just to be stubborn. It's hard to find a street parking spot in the city. He found one two blocks from my place (the no parking). I guess that's a risk he took - parking there for 2 hours and not to get caught. I think if he kept looking, he could have probably found something else, but maybe like 8 blocks away or something.

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Okay, well, I myself have done that - very short term parking in a place where I wasn't allowed to park. 8 blocks is a lot.

 

But is your blueberry example still true from before?

 

Well, it still doesn't convince me.

 

My boyfriend left the lunch table before dessert the other day because we had put money only for 1 hour and it had been 1 hour and 2 minutes? It was my sister's car and not his but he just said there were rules and people were going to ticket us. I thought that was a little extreme but, in hindsight, I admire him for that.

 

I'm not perfect with rules so it's hard to judge Logan on this one. I'm from a country were rules ar super flex so we kind of grow up breaking these small ones. However, this is my third year living in the US and I've improved a lot. I really admire how people here actually follow the rules and respect the law. Even if $ is the incentive.

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justagirl,

 

To be honest, I don't know too many rule stricklers here. I am certainly not one. I do tend to follow most rules though for either one or both of the following reasons: 1) it makes sound sense or 2) if I don't do it, I'll be punished. If a rule has no real reason (either at all or given the situation I'm in) and it's likely I won't get punished for breaking it, then I'll break it if it suits me. I imagine most people are the same way. I guess people here are better about following the rules because let's face it, fines and fees stink!

 

What I can't get behind is the idea of breaking a rule just for the sake of breaking a rule, like being rebellious. Or that somehow the illegality of something makes it more appealing. I think that's pretty stupid and immature. If you're going to break a rule, be smart about it: do it only when the rule at that time doesn't make sense, when you're not hurting/disadvantaging anyone, and you're not going to get caught.

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Okay, well, I myself have done that - very short term parking in a place where I wasn't allowed to park. 8 blocks is a lot.

 

But is your blueberry example still true from before?

 

Well, no, i mean, he doesn't break rules just to break rules - he's not that reckless. But he does like to rant about this and that. I don't mind his rants, they can be funny (if I'm not trying to sleep). Just in our city, the parking cops are crazy. He amazingly hasn't gotten a parking ticket in a while, thankfully. I had dinner with my friend Susan a few weeks ago, she parked in a "no parking zone" and got a $75 ticket right after dinner.

 

I've seen some butt-hole expensive car drivers park in what is obviously not a parking zone, because they don't care and they have the money for a ticket and would rather do that than find a legitimate parking spot 10 blocks away.

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