Annie's Journal of Dating and Body Hair Removal

[Fudgie]

I guess the only way he can prove it is to heed your desires and stop talking about her. Focus on spending with you and improving your relationship...that's what he should be doing.

[annie24]

You guys had the exclusivity talk, right?

 

Your relationship does not seem to progress much beyond that- because he will not give you any hint of a future. I mean, I know you have talked about future goals- you both want to get married and have kids. But he is holding you away at a certain point of intimacy.

 

I totally get that he is feeling lousy and inadequate since he is unemployed. That in and of itself is a wedge in your relationship.

I really wish he had a job so you could see whether the same issues would be there.

 

Yes, we're exclusive and have been since a few weeks in.

 

He makes plans for the future for a few months in advance, but not longer term than that. Part of the issue is my job, which is coming to an end in 6 months or so. Then it's also that he doesn't have a job, and he can't start in his dream career until next year, when this DUI is finally off his record. There is a concert in October we were talking about going to. I'm supposed to be his date at his sister's wedding in 5 weeks.

 

I get that he can't give me a greater committment at this time and that's perfectly fine. But yeah, my gut just tells me he won't love me. He likes me, but he doesn't love me. He loves his ex, even if she doesn't love him.

[Fudgie]

You're a smart, reasonable woman and if that is what your gut is telling you, I think you should heed it.

[annie24]

...................

[BigKK]

Hey annie, I know you know this but anyone who talks about their ex too much is still processing and "getting over it." I thought I was over mine until I dated a girl...and guess what was one of our biggest topics? My ex this, my ex that... I didn't long for her, but I was still processing what happened to me. Unfortunately I recognized that that girl in particular was a rebound. Afterwards I didn't feel the need to.

 

 

I think the biggest thing is this line here

 

 

I get that he can't give me a greater committment at this time and that's perfectly fine. But yeah, my gut just tells me he won't love me. He likes me, but he doesn't love me. He loves his ex, even if she doesn't love him.

 

Perhaps that's some form of insecurity, but I think it's more-so your intuition and we should trust our intuitions since we're usually right! Especially with a few years of experience under our belts.

 

 

Maybe he'll get over it, but there is definitely question marks in the future which is not fun...for me that'd lead to some form of anxiety but I wish you all the best. Can you start planning up for a follow up job now? Or is it too soon?

[Batya33]

I do think you deserve better from him than you are getting right now. How about a compromise where you give yourself a deadline by which you need to know if he's all in as far as your relationship. Maybe that will decrease your anxiety.

 

And I agree it's rude for him to talk about his ex so much! I was guilty of that at certain times in my life with certain guys and I feel badly about that now. I also was on your side of things too so I get it.

[annie24]

Well, 2 years is my deadline for "all in or all out" and I've told him that, and he said he would know sooner than that. My friend Carol really thinks I am being oversensitive (and some of you here agree) and think it's ridiculous that he should have to censor himself all the time. But I really really really really don't want to hear anymore about his exes. It's like the straw that broke the camel's back. If he wants to keep talking about it, I'll be his next ex.

[Fudgie]

2 years seems a bit long to me personally, but it's up to you. I think if he hasn't said I love you by the 1 year mark, I don't know, it doesn't bode well.

 

I don't think you are being insecure at all, given the fact that he can't say that he loves you, he keeps talking about his exes even though you've told him that you don't want to hear it, and his reasons for not wanting to be with her are pretty crummy. ("I wouldn't want to hurt you"...what? really?)

[penelope13]

Do YOU actually love him and could you imagine a long term future with him (if the situation with ex/job was resolved)? There is no right or wrong answer to this question. But knowing what you really want out of this relationship will help you to decide if there is a serious problem or not.

 

There were times in my life where I was in a stable relationship but the emphasis was really in the now and not on finding someone to marry and settle down with. There were multiple reasons at the time, but mainly because I knew I was in the middle of important transitioning phases of my life and I hadn't figured out myself yet what I would be doing in a year thus I wouldn't have felt right to expect big declarations of long term commitment from my partner. This also meant that I was way more willing to compromise or overlook some (relatively little) things which I would not accept from a long term partner.

 

I know that you struggle at times with anxiety. Sometimes anxiety can make you focus and worry about something totally unrelated instead of what the actual trigger is. Thus try to find out if you are worried about him not loving you enough or if you are using the ex talk as an outlet for your anxiety that may be triggered by other aspects of your life such as the uncertainty of your job.

 

The way you describe it, it doesn't sound like he is hung up on the ex, but rather that he is missing who he was and how he felt in his skin during the time that he happened to date her. Given some of the uncertainties that you have talked about it's actually understandable that he is missing those times when life was just easier for him.

[Batya33]

I also vote for "I love you" by one year the latest. I agree with around 2 years as a good deadline for getting engaged.

[Silverbirch]

I know this will probably be ignored/disregarded, but "I VOTE FOR ANNIE".

 

Is he worthy of YOU?? I don't know before sure the how's or whys but my own experience, and from some other sources I think are reliable, if you cook for men, and give them sex whenever they want as you stated, they will not have passionate feelings for you. Somebody said that's because in doing those things, you are giving boyfriends husbands privileges.

[Fudgie]

Some guys will take advantage of that, yes. Others will appreciate and reciprocate the attention. Annie, do you feel that he does? Maybe not in terms of money, because he doesn't have a job, but does he reciprocate with similar actions and make you feel loved?

[Batya33]

I know this will probably be ignored/disregarded, but "I VOTE FOR ANNIE".

 

Is he worthy of YOU?? I don't know before sure the how's or whys but my own experience, and from some other sources I think are reliable, if you cook for men, and give them sex whenever they want as you stated, they will not have passionate feelings for you. Somebody said that's because in doing those things, you are giving boyfriends husbands privileges.

 

I don't agree with this. I think it depends on whether the couple are on the same page as far as future intentions. I don't think a woman in a healthy relationship should feel like she is "giving sex whenever he wants" -it should be a mutual desire. I behaved just as Annie did while my husband and I were dating (other than I wouldn't have described it as one-sided sexually as in the way you put it in your post) and we were always on the same page as far as future intentions, marriage and family.

[Ellie2006]

The way you describe it, it doesn't sound like he is hung up on the ex, but rather that he is missing who he was and how he felt in his skin during the time that he happened to date her. Given some of the uncertainties that you have talked about it's actually understandable that he is missing those times when life was just easier for him.

 

I agree with this. At the same time, he does appear to somewhat lack a sensitivity filter ... He *could* think a little bit more about how his words may affect you but I don't think that's something that comes naturally to Logan ... While his intention might not have been to hurt you, his remarks end up hurting you all the same.

 

People have told me that the little things that bug you in the beginning of the relationship end up causing bigger issues down the road so you shouldn't simply shrug them off...

 

But of course, no need to make mountains out of molehills... So I guess you need to think about whether his tendency to blurt out whatever is on his mind (without regard for your feelings) is a red flag or not ...

 

Also, I kind of wonder if he (and your relationship) will change (for the better) if and when he gets a stable job... It sometimes sounds like he's using his unemployment as a wholesale excuse (?) not to take the relationship to the next level, if you will. While it is understandable, to a certain degree, maybe you shouldn't be too understanding of it ?? Life still goes on, after all, and you can't put every important thing on hold, can you??

 

Just food for thought, Annie... Hope things get resolved soon (hugs)

[annie24]

Yeah, we had a long talk last night about things. He apologized a lot for bringing up the ex's family and all that, he said his intention wasn't to hurt me, or compare me, just sharing about an email. I told him I just can't deal with it anymore, especially in the context that he doesn't love me. Well, it's so weird, he's called me in front of his friends, "The woman I love" but he can't say it to my face. Or when we're at home, he'll say something like, "would you like some juice, my love?" We talked about his career. He wants to settle down, get married, but can't do that until his career is on track. Which i do understand (how would we pay for a wedding and new apartment if he has no permanent job??) He was like, "I thought we were happy..."

 

So, I don't know. he does do stuff for me, and in general, he has been responsive to my requests. Like when i was upset back in April about him going a few days without contacting me, ever since, he's been good about texting me just to say hi and see how i am doing. He cut back the ex talk a lot when i talked to him about it before, but now i want it done. I'm not even asking him to cut ties with her family (he and her mother write once or twice a year to say happy birthday). He swears I'm the only one in his life and he's not looking for anyone else. He said he'd be unhappy if i left his life.

 

So... yeah, i don't know. he offered to come over last night, but i said no, i wanted to be alone. maybe i like him more than he likes me, and maybe i should distance myself a bit? i don't know how to handle this.

[sophie274]

Do you tell him you love him?

[annie24]

I did this weekend when I was drunk. He said he can't say it back because he doesn't know what love is anymore.... Everytime he thinks he's been in love it's gone to pieces....

[sophie274]

I did this weekend when I was drunk. He said he can't say it back because he doesn't know what love is anymore.... Everytime he thinks he's been in love it's gone to pieces....

 

I guess I think it's a touch unfair to hold him not saying he loves you against him when you've only said it once, when drunk. And the same about him not being able to move forward, when my impression is that you are not ready to move forward either. Unless it's only him not expressing his feelings and him not moving forward that is making you mirror his actions?

 

How do you feel after the talk? No better?

[Ellie2006]

He was like, "I thought we were happy..."

 

A, I understand that at some point you'd like the relationship to move forward, but overall, aren't you happy with Logan???

 

 

Like others have said above, maybe you can give him 6 months (without giving him an ultimatum, that is) to get his life back on track and get your relationship moving along?

 

While he may be kind of dragging his feet (??) about getting a job (and progressing the relationship along, which is contingent on getting a job), as you have pointed out, he does try to hear you out and does try to please you and seems to care for you a lot...

 

I don't know. I guess everything depends on how long you think is acceptable before things get "serious" (i.e. Say I love yous, talk concretely about the future, get engaged, get married, etc etc) ...

[Silverbirch]

I don't agree with this. I think it depends on whether the couple are on the same page as far as future intentions. I don't think a woman in a healthy relationship should feel like she is "giving sex whenever he wants" -it should be a mutual desire. I behaved just as Annie did while my husband and I were dating (other than I wouldn't have described it as one-sided sexually as in the way you put it in your post) and we were always on the same page as far as future intentions, marriage and family.

 

 

After reading this post Bataya, I wondered if I had imagined things, but they were Annie's words 2 pages back - "that she cooks for him and gives him lots of sex as he wants."

[Silverbirch]

Yes, yesterday, and he's said it before. He even said it on the first date - the reason he wouldn't get back with her is because she lives far away and she dumped him. And he doesn't want to hurt me. It does make me feel like a placeholder. I cook for him, have lots of sex whenever he wants, life is good, but I don't feel like he'll ever love me as much as he loved her.

 

If she dumped him, wondering if there was something about him she didn't find acceptable - she stayed true to her boundaries and authentic self. I've come to believe that in the bigger scheme of things, men are much more respectful of and attracted to that than women going into their homes, cooking for them and giving them ,it's of sex. So glad I'm over and past all of that.

[OptomisticGirl]

I guess I think it's a touch unfair to hold him not saying he loves you against him when you've only said it once, when drunk. And the same about him not being able to move forward, when my impression is that you are not ready to move forward either. Unless it's only him not expressing his feelings and him not moving forward that is making you mirror his actions?

 

How do you feel after the talk? No better?

 

I have to echo Sophie's thoughts, especially her point about saying I love you.

[annie24]

well, Logan came over last night. he was so apologetic, i said it's ok. he says he will be more careful with his words in the future. which is good. Then he was displaying barnacle-like degrees of affection. So, I guess we are good now. He was really scared i was going to break up with him. Settling down is not only contingent on getting a job, but really getting his career on track (which will take a year). so... which is fine. I just told him he needs to be more aggressive. He has a few more interviews coming up soon, which is good.

 

Yesterday during the day, I went over to my friend's house - she had foot surgery and is now in a cast for 6 weeks. I helped her with her laundry, changing the sheets, making the bed, and taking out the trash. Then when we went to her laundry room to do her laundry, she accidentally locked herself out. sigh. we called a locksmith, he was over in about 20 minutes, so really fast, but it was obvious he had been drinking (well, i guess it was saturday!!) Anyway, we lost no time, and still got to watch Celebrity Wife Swap, which is hilarious, by the way.

 

Right now, I'm on my way to a friend's surprise birthday party! So I'm taking a day trip to a nearby city. should be fun.

[annie24]

If she dumped him, wondering if there was something about him she didn't find acceptable - she stayed true to her boundaries and authentic self. I've come to believe that in the bigger scheme of things, men are much more respectful of and attracted to that than women going into their homes, cooking for them and giving them ,it's of sex. So glad I'm over and past all of that.

 

 

She broke up with him because it had turned into a long distance relationship, without really moving together again being back in sight. Now, i don't know her and don't know what else was on her mind, but the trans-continental distance with no end in sight must have been a major part.

[annie24]

On another note, I had a good meeting with my boss this week. He said he is pleased with my work, and when time comes to apply for jobs, he will write me a strong letter of recommendation. so that's good. Apart from my last two days, where my brain was completely useless, work has been going decently well.