am i shallow?

[brandnew1]

I recently (October) got out of a very long relationship (on and off for 8 years with a 2 year break at the end before a 3 month reconciliation). The door to that relationship has been fully closed. I was pretty devastated.

 

I was feeling very bad about myself recently, thinking that I would never find anyone else, etc. I work with a few boys that have been vocal about their crushes on me but I didn't feel they were right -- but there was one boy that I also worked with that didn't show an interest in my which, of course, made me want to win him over...

 

I expressed my interest to a mutual friend and we ended up getting together. We started making out (not sex) and hanging out more often. For the past month and a half we have spent 4-5 nights a week together and over the christmas holiday we talked via text every day. We basically just lay around our apartments and watch movies and make out. He keeps asking to take me on dates but I don't really want to.

 

He's a really sweet guy - unlike anyone I have ever dated before. Really caring, nice, quiet, and basically treats me like a goddess. Pretty much the opposite of very other relationship I have been in. I am attracted to these qualities --- how he makes me feel and how I feel when I am around him.

 

There's a problem though that's really eating away at me and I'm not sure what to do... He's really short and small and I don't think I can get over it...

 

I am 5'3 and 125 pounds and he's probably 5'6 and 145 pounds. It makes me feel really large and I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't think I have ever been in a relationship with someone shorter than like 6'. I know it seems so shallow but the fact is that I feel weird introducing him to my friends and stuff. Like seeing him meet my guy friends that are like 5'11 just makes me uncomfortable.

 

I have been pretty forthcoming with him and told him that I am not looking for anything serious right now and I want the freedom to date other people. He said he understood but that we obviously need to stop hanging out as much because he's developing feelings for me. The truth is that I know he's already developed them and I don't want to hurt him but I don't know what to do.

 

Is this size thing something I can get over or should I just end it now? I'd like to keep casually seeing him (he's aware that I will not sleep with him because for me it's something that is very emotional and only done in relationships) because he makes me feel so good but I don't think he would be okay with that and I feel kind of awful about "using" him but I genuinely wonder if he'll "grow" on me. No pun intended.

 

 

AH

[Batya33]

I am 5"2 and my husband is 5"6 (I am thinner than him however). Look, it's all about preference - I've always been attracted to men 5"7 and under but I haven't been too attracted to very thin men even if they are tall. Is the issue that you don't like how the two of you look together - because it sounds like you are attracted to him and enjoy making out with him. That is unclear from your post.

 

If it is a dealbreaker for you that's ok - but please let him go because there are many many women like me who don't care about height or prefer shorter men.

Is it shallow? I would say yes if the issue is that you don't like the way you look together as a couple - or if it is based on some stereotype that the man should be much larger than the woman - but no if you are not physically attracted to him. My hunch is that you will regret your decision unless it's the lack of attraction in general that's the issue as opposed to just his height. But, we all make decisions we later regret - live and learn.

[brandnew1]

Batya: Right, I mean, I think I am attracted to him but more based on his personality than his looks. But yeah I think we look weird together because he's so skinny. I don't mind the height as much, I just think he has the smallest butt I ever saw on a boy and it makes me kind of uncomfortable for him to meet people close to me.

 

Forsaken: I am not depending on anything from him. I think when you're with someone they SHOULD make you feel good about yourself... I have been working on myself and my self confidence for years now and I don't think I am getting anywhere.

[DN]

I agree that it is shallow to base whether you should be with him or not on the opinions of other people - and really, you aren't even doing that. You are basing it on what you think their opinions might be. Chances are - you are guessing wrong and other people don't really have an opinion either way.

 

If you view potential partners based on what other people might think of them - you will have an even harder time finding a partner than most.

[dreamwarrior]

I am 5' 1' and don't have any preference on height per se, but, he has to be muscular or toned...I am one of those hard core kind of women who don't want to feel like she is tougher than her man...if they are skinny and we start playing around I may hurt him...heck I have done that to the toughest of guys I know. All in all it should really matter what's in the heart.

 

Actually, if he is 5' 6" and your 5' 3" that isn't to bad...heck I would think if you date men 6' or more that would seem to me more awkward.

 

Best of luck to you

[brandnew1]

Forsaken: Point taken. I get it and you're prob. right. I did say he is nice, quiet and caring. I don't really know what else there is to say because I have kind of avoided any dating situations w/him

 

Dream: I mean, I guess that's it. The height isn't as big of a deal as the littleness -- skinny.

[Batya33]

I agree with DN. I remember years ago I dated someone who was not that good looking - but I was attracted to him and VERY proud to be seen with him, for several reasons. On one occasion we were walking over to a woman I knew from work who was there with her handsome boyfriend. She gave me a look that said "what? you're with someone that looks like that?" I lost all respect for her at that moment. (handsome bf later dumped her).

 

What I found - if you are proud of your SO and you introduce him with pride in your voice - even subtle pride - people will pick up on that and only the most shallow people will focus on his looks - the rest will focus on how you interact as a couple, including whether they sense mutual admiration and respect. It's what I notice most when I meet a couple.

 

If it is important to you to be seen with a man who has a certain body type, again, please let him go, ok? He deserves someone who will stand beside him just as I described. your concerns have nothing to do with attraction or chemistry. Maybe someday you'll see him with an SO who adores him and you'll get it then.

[dreamwarrior]

I am 44 and very attracted to my karate instructor who is 62 years old and not very handsome, but it's not his looks I am attracted to it's his personality...unfortunately he has a gf and I never step on those boundries, plus I am his student so boo hoo to me.

 

smiles

[Tom the fool]

I don't think 145 lbs is skinny for 5'6". That puts him at a body mass index of 23.4, which is on the high end of what our medical community calls a normal weight. You're at 22.1, which is also normal, but still LESS than his.

 

There are some good reasons to try to change your preference, here.

 

It's noteworthy that this man who is not at all skinny in the eyes of the medical community is "pretty much the opposite of [every] other relationship" you have been in. You seem to think that the qualities that make him so different are positive.

 

I am certain that it is possible to change your taste in this case, if you have just cause for doing so. Taste is partly inexplicable, but also partly shaped by decisions you make. To the extent that they can be guided, it makes sense to place a greater emphasis on those things that can be justified by reasons. For instance, some women have a tendency to seek out those qualities that indicate abusive personalities. As much as this may be their "taste," it is not a taste well ordered to the dictates of reason. However, other women find men with blond hair less attractive than men with dark hair. A woman should strive to prioritize her preferences in a way that will lead her to greater joy through love.

 

I have no qualms whatever when attractive women make use of seemingly unimportant qualities to sort out which man she will prefer. If a woman has 15 men asking her out on Friday night, she has to decide somehow which one to choose, and there may not always be a reason from beauty or goodness. She is left only with personal preference. But those matters which are strictly of personal preference, and have nothing to do with the judgments of beauty or goodness, should not impose themselves on decisions to the point of risking being alone altogether.

 

(Disclosure: I way quite a bit less than your friend, and have a vested interest in dissuading women who are already shorter than I am from setting the bar on height so high.)

[VerdeShimmer]

Think you should break off with this guy as he is developing feelings for you and you will hurt him in the long run. The more you wait the more it will hurt for him. You say you wonder if he can grow on you. Well that's possible but right now it's for the wrong reasons. I have not heard you mention his personality or anything like that, aside from him making you feel good about yourself.

 

You give very good advice!

[Nutz]

The preference for taller guys is actually a subconscious trust & safety issue. Guys that are short that make their women feel safe & secure have no problem with their height, despite the women's preferences.

[Salucious]

LOL, ok 5'6" and 145lbs is almost exactly my measurements (ok maybe I'm 5'5"). so he must have a similar body as me, which is funny because I wouldn't describe myself as skinny; then again I'm not overly muscular, I'd consider myself "average."

 

OK, now I want you to hear me out on this: Being a short guy, I can tell you that the way you are feeling is EXACTLY the kind of things I am worried a girl will feel like about me. It is EXACTLY the reason I've had trouble gaining confidence around women. Now, everyone, including me, understands the desire women have to feel protected, feminine, etc. and feel that her man is "big and strong." So naturally, if a girl admits that I can't do this for her, it can be damaging to me (and I would assume most other guys too). Maybe I shouldn't let it get to me...I know she can't help her feelings...BUT it nevertheless solidifies my biggest insecurity, which is hard to get around.

 

So my advice is break it off IMMEDIATELY, before he gets the impression that you two will be a long-term couple. And DEFINITELY don't tell him the real reason why, at least I wouldn't want to know that, it would crush me. BTW, I don't mean to sound critical of you, that was never my intent.

[GeneralLee]

Honey, don't feel the least bit shallow because you aren't physically attracted to this guy because of his height. Attraction factors are built up over millions of years of natural selection and selective breeding. You are attracted to taller men because you feel safer with them around other men. The awkwardness you speak of about introducing him to your taller friends stems from a sub-routine of a sub-routine of a process in your mind that says he couldn't protect you from bigger men. You aren't shallow, you're human. Also what you're doing with him is, while probably hurting him emotionally, perfectly normal on a human scale as well. Primal human females would commonly take two mates, one to breed with and one for emotional and resource value. Thats what this guy is to you, hes an emotional resource, but not a mating interest to you. Never feel bad for feeling. We can't control our feelings. We are, after all, only human.

[Batya33]

She can't control her feelings but she can control her reaction to her feelings. I used to react that way - meaning, I cared a great deal about what others would think about the looks of who I was with (meaning when I was a teenager/20s) - and then I realized how silly that was and at some point I also didn't feel that way anymore. The OP should think long and hard about foregoing a potentially great relationship because one of her friends might think she can do 'better" in the looks department.

[Salucious]

 

There's a problem though that's really eating away at me and I'm not sure what to do... He's really short and small and I don't think I can get over it...

 

I am 5'3 and 125 pounds and he's probably 5'6 and 145 pounds. It makes me feel really large and I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't think I have ever been in a relationship with someone shorter than like 6'. I know it seems so shallow but the fact is that I feel weird introducing him to my friends and stuff. Like seeing him meet my guy friends that are like 5'11 just makes me uncomfortable.

 

AH

 

I agree with Batya, this all depends on what the root of the problem is. From what you wrote, I gathered that you may not be physically attracted to him enough, which is a legitimate issue to bring up for either ending or continuing the relationship. Now he isn't going to get any taller, that is for sure. So if it is about lack of physical attraction, and you don't think you can look past it anytime soon, then there is a clear answer for the problem.

 

This may sound weird, but it looks to me that he may be the right guy for you, but you may not be the right girl for him, since you don't seem as accepting of him as he is of you. I think a big part of caring/loving someone is complete acceptance of everything about them. If you aren't looking for a serious thing, then maybe love doesn't apply. When I think "not looking for a serious relationship" I think of: friends with benefits, flings, infatuations, weekend romances, etc. this guy doesn't sound like he wants anything like those.

[GeneralLee]

If you aren't looking for a serious thing, then maybe love doesn't apply.

 

That is pretty much my point. I've always been of the mind that if you have any misgivings about someone not to bother with a serious relationship, it only ends with both people hurt. A friends with benefits or casual arrangement is out the door because she isn't attracted to him, and he wants a relationship. I understand that she can control how she reacts to her feelings, but why should she? Sure, you may miss out on that good relationship with someone who is a beautiful person on the inside bot not so much outside, but I'd rather do that than miss out on that great relationship with someone you can't take your mind off of, and is still beautiful on the inside. This girls has given this guy his chances, I think its sweet that shes so concerned about his feelings that she hasn't broken it off yet, but love is one aspect of life worth being picky over.

[Batya33]

I think it's fine if two people decide they just want to date casually, for whatever reason. I don't think casual dating has anything in common with the usually mis-labeled "friends with benefits".

[brandnew1]

I just wanted to follow up on my original post. I really appreciate everyone's responses and I definitely think that it comes down to the whole security thing.

 

Either way though, I AM attracted to him because of our connection. We have a lot of fun together and make each other laugh. He's the first guy that I fully trust and don't get nervous about.

 

I am really glad I did give him a chance because the fact that he's a bit smaller has started to bother me a little less. I'm still not fully comfortable with it but I think the way that we interact is more important to me. Things are still casual but it's allowing us to get to know each other.

 

Thanks all.

[Salucious]

I just wanted to follow up on my original post. I really appreciate everyone's responses and I definitely think that it comes down to the whole security thing.

 

Either way though, I AM attracted to him because of our connection. We have a lot of fun together and make each other laugh. He's the first guy that I fully trust and don't get nervous about.

 

I am really glad I did give him a chance because the fact that he's a bit smaller has started to bother me a little less. I'm still not fully comfortable with it but I think the way that we interact is more important to me. Things are still casual but it's allowing us to get to know each other.

 

Thanks all.

 

I hate to regurgitate my previous post, but just keep in mind that this guy's height will not change. It sounds like you're unclear as to why you're not fully attracted to him. If your sense of security is based on his size, then you will never feel any safer with him than you do now, because he isn't getting any bigger. If you are feeling safer with him, then it might just be the

OK, warning: I'm about to go "sciency" on this subject, since several people keep mentioning that this issue is "related to natural selection"

Everybody who says women "instinctively" want taller men and that it is because of natural selection have no clue what they're talking about. I should know, I'm a Biology major and have studied physiology and behavior. Studies on human males/females have shown that taller height serves as a "pea-cocking" trait (simply to catch female's attention), and at best, may translate to good health in males; it hasn't been linked to the level of protection the male can give. After all, if women instinctively preferred taller men, the short male phenotype would have probably been wiped out centuries ago. Which means natural selection does not necessarily favor taller males. Genetic diversity always wins, which means all species reproduce to generate diverse offspring. If we only had babies that grew to be tall, we'd also concentrate any mutations or defective genes that taller people tend to get (back/skeletal and circulatory problems associated with larger body mass).

 

Which has led me to believe that while most women may initially be more attracted to taller men rather than same height/shorter men; for women to say "I only will date taller men" or "I won't date men shorter than me" is a personal choice (which is not necessarily a bad thing). Which then begs the question: Is it a preference society has ingrained on the female mind? After all, women complain about men having high standards when it comes to a woman's body type; which is for the most part always attributed to the media, magazines, etc. But if you ask a guy why he finds Jessica Alba attractive, he'll probably just say "because she's hot."

 

Sorry to rant, but being a short guy I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, lol, apparently for good reason.

[madmarten]

A big reason short genes will never die out is because shorter women carry them and overall are found to be more attractive and have more children.

I love my 4'11" mother but I don't love all of her genes.

[real_life_101]

I will tell you what 5'6 and 5'3 is a really good fit. You can still wear heels and he will still be a little taller. Connection is everything. I would say you were attracted to him when you could not have him, and now that he shows interest in you. Now you are looking for reasons to run. Dont fall into that catagory of not wanting what you cant have, it reeks self worth issues. Feel good about yourself

[enixon]

yes, your shallow, especially since he's still larger than you.