My dumper is seeing a therapist?

[catfish1199]

I guess I could have technically posted this as a follow up to my other threads, but this is kind of a specific quesiton.

 

Last week we saw eachother twice and it was really fun and we enedup making out the first night and we hung out with ehr friends the second night (friends who helped her make the decision to break up with me).

She was noticably upset when I left the bar the last night. We hugged while she cried.

 

She told me today(after I a little coaxing to be open to me) that her therapist would probably be angry with her for seeing me last weekend and that we should not fall back into that cycle of seeing eachother now and then. She said that she needs to feel how it feels to be alone. I agree with all of that, and I know that these are things that are coming from the therapist.

 

It should be said that she is seeing the therapist for a number of reasons, nothing too serious, just anxiety and family issues among this break up.

 

My question is, has anyone been a dumper and seen a therapist and heard how the therapist deals with this type of thing?

 

Are they usually objective about reconciliation?

 

I am just glad that she is seeing a professional and not just using her friends as her advice.

 

I feel like they probably push people to move on and then see if there is anything there down the road when they have fully gotten over the relationship?? I dunno.

 

Thoughts?

[littlestar]

I am a dumper and havent seen a therapist as i dont want to be brain washed into doing something coz i was influenced by someone who is getting paid to help me.

 

I think some of them are against reconciliation if the relationship was particularly bad with violence etc.

[catfish1199]

Well definitely no violence. No emotional abuse either.

 

Well, I see your point about being brainwashed, but... Part of what she is working on is being able to see her own feelings. You felt you had a handle on your feelings, she definitely doesnt. She has problems with hiding her feelings from herself. Also, mother and brother issues. Just general happiness issues.

[John Bendix]

OF course, it depends on the therapist.

 

There are those that are of the mind that the best way for someone going through a relationship crisis is to be on their own. To move on so they can better identify what is really troubling them, without the added stimulis of the relationship adding more confusion. They may also think this way in dealing with couples that come for counseling.

 

I have never agreed with the type of therapist that tells you what you should or should not do. It appears to be a more prudent appoach for them to get YOU to see through your thoughts, actions and reactions in order to change the patterns that have brought you suffering. They are there to help you see and give help but the problems caused by dysfunctional thinking and thus caused emotional reactions have to be done by the individual. For they are in fact, personally caused.

[axia002]

Ok as a psychologist I have to say that "brainwashing" is not what therapy is (or should be about)!!!!

[gromalamaz]

I think it depends on the situation and the therapist. My therapist supported me when I first began talking to him after my breakup. I wanted to learn about myself and reconcile. He simply told me to be honest with my ex about what I was feeling. He also suggested that my ex come in for a session to help figure out the whole picture with the relationship (and offered some couples counseling if we reconciled). My ex never called to set up an appointment, as he said he would and I never met up with my ex to have a conversation regarding reconciliation...time went by and I had more clarity.... In my opinion, a therapist would not attempt to sway someone's feelings or inclinations, simply support that person in the decision that s/he makes (unless, of course, it is an unsafe situation to return to).

[John Bendix]

I think it depends on the situation and the therapist. My therapist supported me when I first began talking to him after my breakup. I wanted to learn about myself and reconcile. He simply told me to be honest with my ex about what I was feeling. He also suggested that my ex come in for a session to help figure out the whole picture with the relationship (and offered some couples counseling if we reconciled). My ex never called to set up an appointment, as he said he would and I never met up with my ex to have a conversation regarding reconciliation...time went by and I had more clarity.... In my opinion, a therapist would not attempt to sway someone's feelings or inclinations, simply support that person in the decision that s/he makes (unless, of course, it is an unsafe situation to return to).

 

When you say a therapist WOULD not attempt..., I will disagree. Have been there to see them do it. SHOULD is another matter and I will agree with that.

[John Bendix]

Ok as a psychologist I have to say that "brainwashing" is not what therapy is (or should be about)!!!!

 

Amen..........

[catfish1199]

What route do you think a therapist would take with our relationship where there was never any abuse, it just kind of got stale and other things were dragging us down?

I know she is probably encouraging her to date other guys, but is the goal to get her to move on from me so that we can reconcile as new and better people? In other words, a therapist wouldnt be a big fan of LC and reconciliation if both people had a considerable amount of personal growth to accomplish, right?

 

Should I ask her if I can see the same therapist?

 

Would a therapist even agree to that?

 

Do you think that it is a good sign that her heart is feeling me again, but her brain is telling her to step back?

 

(I made it clear that I thought that now is not the time for us, that we need to grow more, but that I am still crazy about her and there will be a time in the future for us. She seemed to agree)

[John Bendix]

Some will agree to seeing both people at the same time, even if it is just a few times. But nothing can be discussed about the other if you see her therapist separately (unless permission is given by both). Some therapists will not do it in order to concentrate on the party that has come to them first.

 

Good therapists will stress building communication skills in the scenario that you have yourself in. Both individually and, if it ever comes to that, between each other.

[jasper01]

All people including therapists are different. A really good one that has their act together won't take sides or recommend one action or another. They will support whatever their client decides. It is possible that your ex is projecting what her therapist will think, and that this isn't quite reality. Or she could be seeing a very inexperienced person.

 

I read your other thread. I think that if you want to get back together with her you might consider getting into counseling yourself. And find someone who doesn't take sides. The issues underneath what went on between you are pretty unclear and you would need to understand them better. Without that, even though you are clearly attracted to each other, if you got back together it wouldn't work. She probably sensed that a long time ago, which is why she left. That's how many people attempt to solve the problem, but actually this doesn't work. It's not that you need to change how you treat her, but you need to learn to have an adult relationship. And so does she. You'll need to find someone that knows how to show you.

[catfish1199]

wow, thanks. Never thought about it that way. I feel like I have myself figured out and I feel like I know what went worng in our relationship, but I do think that we werent emotionally mature when we got together and we never grew mature.