Shesmyeverything Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Well, where to start. I am 40 y/o and my wife is 34, we have been together for 17 years and married for almost 12 and we have 4 children. We had a almost unreal relationship for years, she made me feel like I was the greatest. We always spent time together, where best friends, had good communication and a good sex life, but for the last 18 months I have been feeling very neglected. She never has time for me anymore or makes time. She is always finding ways to use her free time doing other things and spending it with her friends. She never communicates with me or asks me how my day was. Nothing I have to offer her seems to interest her. If we do anything, it is because I suggest it, from going out to making love. I have gone weeks on end waiting for her to come to me to be intimate and nothing, only to either go without or initate sex myself. Day in and day out, I watch her come and go hoping she will throw some affection and time my way, but see never does and it is getting me very depressed. In bed at night, I always hug and carress her hoping she will take the hint that I would like to be intimate and would respond, but she just lays there or falls asleep. Lately she goes out one night a week with this one girlfriend she has and they go drinking and she is wandering back home between 1 and 2am. Now, I have told her all of my feelings and that I am hurting and I have also told her I don't begrudge her having her own identity and going out, I just want to fit into her life somewhere and feel I deserve attention and my time with her as well. She just turns things around on me, telling me that the way I act ( my depression) is the reason behind it. I tell her her actions are causing my depression and low self-esteem. Please any advise and sorry so long. Link to comment
jettison Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 We hear these stories so frequently on ENA. Long term marriage, used to be great, now I feel lonely and depressed. The problem is one of momentum. Does your really unsatisfying relationship lead to depression, or does your depression ultimately lead to a very unsatisfying relationship? It's a chicken/egg question that has no right answer. Really, both are right. Anyone would be depressed upon losing the intimacy in their marriage. Similarly, if one is always depressed then it's hard to create intimacy with that person without feeling suffocated. 17 years is a LONG time to spend with one person. The idea of marriage is both beautiful and cathartic, but the longtime practice of marriage, for so many couples, becomes a lessen in heartache, humility, sacrifice, and ultimately, disappointment. Your wife seems to be able to at least act like your loss of intimacy is ok with her, although I'll contend that instead she has shut off that side of her because facing the truth is too difficult. It's like opening a floodgate that you can never get closed again. Actually addressing the issue could spell the end of your marriage, and she's likely terrified by that. It's possible that this is something hormonal, or that it's just the "natural way of things", but it's equally possible that too many disappointments over too many years has just caused her to shutdown and be unable to respond affectionately any longer. She has countered these feelings by numbing them with alcohol and seeking out new attentions, and new ways to feed her ego. In the short term, you'd do well to follow suit. It doesn't have to mean going out to bars, but starting some new social hobbies wouldn't hurt at all, and becoming less dependent on her can be a good thing. And I also think there isn't any doubt that you two could stand for a healthy dose of couple's counseling. It may take someone else in the room before your wife will feel safe enough to open up in front of your again. In any case, I wouldn't recommend pushing any kind of physical intimacy with her right now. Just don't do it because you will hurt yourself and throw her off. Get counseling first and then consider going that direction. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Do you think she might be cheating on you? Her lack of interest in you and going out until 2 in the morning could be because she is having an affair. It is possible she feels like she has missed out on "the single life" since she has been with you from the age of 17. Have you suggested counselling? If she doesn't want to work things out and continues to blame you then what I would suggest is that you start gathering information for yourself regarding separation and divorce. Talk to a lawyer, make sure you know how to protect yourself financially, figure out what the scenario would be regarding custody etc. Once you have this information and know how to protect yourself and what would need to be done in the case of separation and divorce I would then suggest talking to her one last time telling her the marriage is in trouble and does she want to work on fixing it. If she doesn't want to fix it, blames you and blows you off then you can tell her that it is thereforee time for the marriage to end and both go separate ways. Link to comment
Shesmyeverything Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 Thank you for your response. I have already offered to go to counseling and she said she won't go. I don't understand how I could have hurt her as I do evrything for her. I guess you could be right though. Link to comment
Shesmyeverything Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 I don't want a divorce, I am still in love with my wife. Thanks for your response Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 You may not want a divorce but what happens if she doesn't want to work things out..will you want to continue to live like this for the next 30 years..being taken advantage of and having your self-esteem go down the drain? Link to comment
Shesmyeverything Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 I love my home life and family and don't want that to change. I also can't imagine not having my wife in my life. Guess I may have to suck it up. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 If you want to remain in your marriage and she wants to do her own thing, you might want to get yourself busy with your own interests. Find an interest you are passionate about and focus on that...something that will make you feel productive, something that will make you feel proud of yourself. Not only will that make you feel better about yourself but it will help counterbalance the negative impact of her actions...in other words, do not internalize things and get down on yourself..the problem is within her and not you. You need to make sure you take care of your emotional well-being, especially since you have four children. Is she at least attentive to the children? Link to comment
Shesmyeverything Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 If you want to remain in your marriage and she wants to do her own thing, you might want to get yourself busy with your own interests. Find an interest you are passionate about and focus on that...something that will make you feel productive, something that will make you feel proud of yourself. Not only will that make you feel better about yourself but it will help counterbalance the negative impact of her actions...in other words, do not internalize things and get down on yourself..the problem is within her and not you. You need to make sure you take care of your emotional well-being, especially since you have four children. Is she at least attentive to the children? I have already taken some of these steps you mention. I recently got involved with Freemasonry and the Shriners, which both are very rewarding. As for the children, that is another subject all together. To answer your question in a nutshell, no she is not. My wife is a RN in the er and work 7pm to 7am 3 days a week and I also work. I get up everyday and get the kids ready and off to school, help them with homework, bath them and put them to bed, do 90% of the cooking, house chores, all the finances, laundry, vacuuming, etc., etc. My wife just sleeps and when I ask for help she gets pissed. I am a contractor, so with winter being my slow time, I spend alot of time with my kids, I coach baseball on my sons team and take him to karate during the week. My girls are invloved with cheerleading, so in the summer I am the taxi for that as well, but I enjoy every minute of it and will always have those memories til the day I die. Link to comment
Shesmyeverything Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 Oh and to rub it in a little, she was telling me the other day how one of her nurse friends at work came in glowing and bragging about how her and her husband had sex 3 times that day before she came to work. I told my wife that telling me that hurt my feelings and I was very envious of that couple (yes they have kids also) that they where so close. She got pretty upset Link to comment
beejcee Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 as a person going through an unwanted divorce (on my part) after ten years of marriage i cannot recommend counseling enough -- couples if possible or individual or even both. it's difficult to want to have sex with someone who you don't feel intimacy and right now you don't really have that. try to reconnect with your wife in ways that aren't physical and maybe she will gradually become more interested in having physical contact. nothing is lonelier than being in a marriage that isn't working. take care. Link to comment
Circe Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Perhaps some of her needs are going unmet or she is feeling some sort of resentment that she doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about? What are you doing about your depression and is it helping? Link to comment
Shesmyeverything Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 Perhaps some of her needs are going unmet or she is feeling some sort of resentment that she doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about? What are you doing about your depression and is it helping? I feel you may be right and I have asled her about it. I told her I want to try to make things better between us and want my best friend back. She just does not seem interested in making any changes. I am not really doing much for my depression and it gets real bad at times and I am always wondering way I am not worth her time or affection. I feel like my happiest days are behind me Link to comment
doityourself Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Shesmyeverything Me and my husband has been married for 14 years in Feb., got married at 17. I find that as the years pass we are spending less and less time together. I go shopping by myself, or he will play on the computer while I watch TV. What Happened? I dont know, we have lost interest in the things that eachother do, we have nothing to talk about because we are with eachother everyday. When we first got married, he was in the military so he was always gone. Now that he is no longer military we are with eachother everyday, we dont get a chance to miss eachother. We also text, email and talk on the phone multiple times a day, so when we do get home from work there is nothing left to say. We also have kids, yes they do take up ALL your time and ALL your energy but they shouldnt be an excuse for whats lacking between you two. Me and hub tried counseling, but to tell you I didnt enjoy it, I felt like the counsler was taking sides, he didnt even look or talk directly to me. Maybe your wife is scared, I know I was. The one thing I always wish for my husband to do on an occasion is to take me somewhere overnight by ourselves, no kids, no cooking, no cleaning, just the two of us. We find that we mostly talk about the kids but we spend just you and me time. As for the sex, I mostly let my hub make the moves. I dont know how that came along, I use to be outgoing in our sex lives. Yes after so many years of the same its boring, but what can you do. I would def not cheat, I know the grass is not always greener. I wish you luck, dont give up but dont be miserable either. Link to comment
WhatThe Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 Forget about the divorce suggestion. You would get screwed so bad. A lifetime alimony sentence would be my guess. She is probably having an affair. Hate to break it to you, but all the signs are there. Take up drinking. Link to comment
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