I messed up and hurting

[JohnGalt]

So the back story is that my fiance and gf of 6 years broke up with me for a series of reasons. I thought that we had a good chance at reconciliation and I still think there's a really great chance at reconciliation, but I now realize that there's also a pretty significant chance that she's not going to come back.

 

I was on my way back to school last night and we broke no contact and talked on the phone. It was fine - chit chat- for about a hour and then I asked her to come on a vacation with me for spring break. She said maybe, but then mentioned we weren't dating. So I said, half-joking, let's start dating. She laughed and then told me she could not go on vacation with me. So we start talking about where she's at now and long story short, she told me that she is moving on and doesn't want to get back together with me. She told me she deserves better. At this point, I do something I haven't done...I start telling her how much she hurt me and how she gave up on us and I told her that Karma would have something to say about this. She told me goodnight, she wouldn't take the abuse and hung up.

 

I texted her and asked her to call back. She calls back. I apologize. We rehash her reasons for why we aren't together. She tells me again that she's going to move on and she's thought about this and that the relationship was more bad than good. She says she overlooked bad things because of how much in love she was but she did not want to be in a loveless marriage. I asked her when I would get my ring back. She got angry and told me she'd give it back to me when she was good and ready. I told her keeping the ring gives me hope that she's going to come back because it is a symbol of our union. She gets angry and says she'll give it back when she's ready. I end the conversation by telling her that I love her and that I really cherished our lives together.

 

I got home. Felt fine, but sad because it seemed like she made it clear that she was going to move on. I decided to send an email I had written a couple days ago that really laid out my feelings and reasons for why certain things happen and what kind of a husband I am. I asked her not to define me by a mistake and instead remember what kind of guy I am at the core.

 

At around 3am I get a call from her. She tells me the email really moved her and she loved me. She breaks down and decides to tell me the "truth." She wants to be single. She made a decision to break up because of the mistakes I've made, but she doesn't rule out us getting back together in the future. There's no other guy. I know this for a fact. But she feels as if she gave all she could give up to the point of breaking up. And then she broke down and talked about a series of family problems that she's having with her parents, uncle and sister. She's also having trouble securing a job in the place where we had planned to move and she might have to move to florida...really really far away. She says with all this stuff going on in her life, she just doesn't have the time or energy to put the effort needed to rebuild what we have right now. She told me that she wants me to be happy and work on myself and let her work her own stuff out. She said that when she's got her own life figured out then maybe we can try again. But right now she wants to focus on her...and in the meantime she wants me to become a better man.

 

So I told her ok. Told her I appreciate the conversation. She told me she loved me and she wanted me to be ok. I told her I'd give her space.

 

I guess I know that there's not going to be an overnight fix to this. I'm just going to have to be patient, give her no contact (she always breaks it), and let her sort her life out. Hopefully she'll come back. Praying she'll come back, but in the meantime, I guess I just have to work on myself.

 

I think for me to really be able to do this waiting period, I'm going to have to move on from her. So I've decided to stop obsessing about correcting my mistakes with her and obsessing about getting a second chance. I've decided to move on and if she come's back and we're in a position to put the effort in, I'll re-consider getting back with her.

 

I know my fiance well. She'll come back. It is just going to take five or six months - so in the meantime I've got to do something else to keep sane.

[melrich]

(she always breaks it),. Hopefully she'll come back.

 

Why? After 6 years, most of it bad according to her, why do you suddenly want to "be a better man". What was holding you back these past 6 years?

[SighSob]

I don't approve the fact that she moves on while you wait for her return. What if she never comes back? What if it takes 6 years instead of 6 months?

Hey, I know you want her back more than anything, but now you have to move on too. I'm not saying forget her, just live your life as if she's never coming back. Become a better man and see if there's also better girls...

[JohnGalt]

Why? After 6 years, most of it bad according to her, why do you suddenly want to "be a better man". What was holding you back these past 6 years?

 

Oh, she told me in the next conversation that she said that out of anger. What she meant was that the she overlooked a lot of my negative qualities (being messy, not as romantic as she hoped, etc) because of how much in love she was with me. But she does think that aside from the past 6 months, she's been very much in love and happy. She doesn't know if the real me is the guy she's known for so long or the guy i changed into after we got engaged. It's really complicated...i tend to leave out key details when I type because I can't remember everything the first time i type it out.

[JohnGalt]

I don't approve the fact that she moves on while you wait for her return. What if she never comes back? What if it takes 6 years instead of 6 months?

Hey, I know you want her back more than anything, but now you have to move on too. I'm not saying forget her, just live your life as if she's never coming back. Become a better man and see if there's also better girls...

 

Good advice, Bob. I'm not ready to move on emotionally yet and it is preventing me from opening up my heart completely to this really wonderful woman. She's really smart and considerate and sexy - the problem is she's been my best friend since 10th grade. She has let her feelings out, after helping me through the breakup, but doesn't want to "take advantage" of the situation. I told her that I cannot do anything right now and that if we got into a relationship, she'd be a rebound because emotionally I'm not there.

 

So on the one hand, here's this amazing woman...but I don't want to hurt her! damnit. If I did date her, there's a possibility it could go places, but since I have emotional baggage, it would probably sour things and I'd lose her friendship too when the relationship dissolved probably. Then there's the issue of my ex - what if she came back. Honestly, I don't know about tomorrow...but today I know that if she came back, I'd leave my best friend.

 

Obviously, I'm rambling...but just getting my thoughts out there.