The journey of a thousand miles must start with a single step.

[buckdawg]

I would like to thank Blue Dahlia for inspiring me to start this thread.

 

I used to be quite regular around here immediately following my separation from my wife 1 1/2 years ago. The members here are such a valuable resource and I really appreciate all the guidance I received then.

 

After the separation I was devastated. My world was upside down, I couldn't get her out of my mind. I kept reading into every little thing she did for some hidden meaning. It was starting to drive me crazy...well crazier. Eventually though I started to believe in myself. Little by little I regained my self-confidence and things started looking up. I reclaimed my former self and in the process was able to shed the insecurities that had my plagued my marriage and caused the separation.

 

I left her alone. I rarely initiated contact. We have kids so some contact was necessary of course but I let her have her space. I very much loved her still and it was because I did I knew I had to leave her be. I had done enough already.

 

Recently we've started talking about reconciliation. We've gone out on a few dates and talked about things. Surprisingly this has been as hard as the initial breakup. Unfortunately it's not like starting anew. We both bring our old history (i.e baggage) with us. She says that she knows I'm different now but I know she still struggles with things I had done to her in the past. I was never physically violent but I don't think it's a stretch to say I emotionally abused her.

 

In this thread, I'm going to chronicle my thoughts, feeling and emotions as I go through this. I welcome any comments or advice any of you have.

 

We spent Christmas break together. I spent Christmas Eve at her place, all day Christmas and the following weekend, only spending the night Christmas Eve though. Had a wonderful time. We then didn't see each other until the Sunday after New Year's (she visited a friend) and then the following Monday to watch the Buckeyes lose to the Longhorns (..grumble...grumble...grumble...). Tuesday when I picked the kids up she was distant. She said she was tired. I tried to ask about future dates and she didn't give me an answer. I got myself all worked up over that like an idiot and ended up calling her later on that night and asking what was up. She assured me that she just needs a break. I understood.

 

The following 3 days was like I was back on the emotional rollercoaster. didn't hear from her at all. went back to obsessing over everything, blah blah blah. pretty frustrating really considering I had gone through this already. I wrote three letters that I never will send (really helps by the way) outlining how I couldn't go through this much longer and she needs to make her mind up shortly before I drive both of us crazy. She says she's taking things slow.

 

Today she called. I haven't heard from her since Friday morning. We made idle chit chat. I was pretty nonchalant about everything. After all, she knows how I feel. I've made it fairly evident lol. So at the end of the conversation I ask her if she wants to do anything. She said she wanted to see if I would like to go to a movie.

 

So at 7:20 tonight we're going to see the new Jim Carrey movie We'll see how it goes. I'll report back later.

 

Thanks for reading.

[rachel blond]

Awe, good luck!!

[buckdawg]

had a good time at the movies. nothing major.

 

today i'm feeling neutral. i have pretty major things happening in my family that are requiring my attention. she hints around at reconciliation but is always very vague. still need to give her space.