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Worried by some of his comments.


konstantine

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I think that this will sound really insecure but I would really just like someone else's input on it. Boyfriend and I have been together a year and a half. Lately I have had a weird issue thinking that he might hope he ended up with someone other than me.

 

He had a girlfriend of like 4 months in high school and that's really the only other "relationship" I can think of that he had besides just other random girls here and there that never really went anywhere. All through HS and college he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me, so I thought when we actually did get together I had nothing to worry about.

 

The other day we were talking about people we had kissed (just joking around) and his HS ex came up. I asked if he still liked her at all and he said "No, but she was nice". I was teasing him a little saying "Are you sure you don't like her at all?" And he just said "She cheated on me." I had also suspected a little bit that if she hadn't cheated he would still want to be with her. He was saying that he stopped caring for her when she cheated and I just said OK and let it go, even though I feel like it's possible he wasn't being totally honest.

Last night we were taking random stupid online quizzes just to pass the time and one of the questions was Are you still with your first love? and I thought for sure he would say yes, as in me. But he said "I'm not sure" so I asked "Who is your first love?" and he was just like I don't know and got flustered and didn't want to do the quiz anymore. I was really taken aback because I thought we had something that neither of us has ever felt before. But again, I just let it go.

 

Then later I was just being silly and I said "Do you love me?" (I should add that this is just something we both do to each other in funny voices like once every couple months, so it truly was in a joking manner) And he was like "Yeah, but if you keep asking that it won't be anymore." I was like Seriously? And he said No not really. I know he was joking around but it was like... just strange.

 

So now I feel like I was mistaken in everything I had thought and I feel like I don't know US as well as I thought I did.

I know this is all very silly but I really just wanted someone to talk me down from it and give me outside opinions, however if I told him or my friends this they would laugh at me. So help guys!

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Insecurity is not attractive to men. He is with you. You can't change his past and how he felt. If he loved her that much and it was meant to work out he'd be with her.

 

Think how he feels being pestered on his past all the time. All love is different so chances are what he feels with you is something new and special.

 

Just stay calm and know hes with you and loves you. His comment about 'keep asking' Is him getting frustrated at your isnecurity.

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I know that men don't like insecurity, and I never show him that I think about these things. That's why when he says things like that I just let it go, because I don't want to bother him about it. I promise, I don't pester him about his past. It just happened to come up and I asked casually, although inside I was mini-freaking out. I KNOW it's lame, which is exactly why I just want someone to talk me out of it.

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I know that men don't like insecurity, and I never show him that I think about these things. That's why when he says things like that I just let it go, because I don't want to bother him about it. I promise, I don't pester him about his past. It just happened to come up and I asked casually, although inside I was mini-freaking out. I KNOW it's lame, which is exactly why I just want someone to talk me out of it.

 

Even though it may be done by both of you in a "joking" way ,

 

Then later I was just being silly and I said "Do you love me?" (I should add that this is just something we both do to each other in funny voices like once every couple months, so it truly was in a joking manner)

 

Asking the person you're with if they love you is a good sign of being insecure, you shouldn't feel the need to ask the person you're with that type of question.

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Don't ask him things like that. If he says he loves you, accept it. A "first love" is such a cliche, in my opinion. Is that like, the first person you've ever had feelings for? What if you thought you loved someone but then things went downhill & you know you don't love them now? Because generally people think the first love is someone that they will always hold a "special place in their heart".

 

I thought I was in love before my current bf. But I was young & now I don't really think so because I strongly dislike my ex, even 5 years after the breakup. He is certainly not held in any special place in my heart. But when we were together, I did tell him I loved him.

 

So is my current bf my first love? I don't know, I've dated a lot of guys before. But it doesn't matter. Who cares about categorizing? I know how I feel about him & how he feels about me. That's all that matters. But I do know I love him. I hope he never asks me what you asked your bf because I wouldn't know how to answer that.

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Asking the person you're with if they love you is a good sign of being insecure, you shouldn't feel the need to ask the person you're with that type of question.

 

i do the same with my bf and vice versa. it's just couples sillyness and playfullness (for me anyway). none of us think the others insecure or anything. it's just nice to hear it sometimes..

 

 

as for the rest of the post, yes i do think your a bit insecure.

if he's with u and shows you how much he likes u, then why would he still like other girls?

plus you've been together a yr and a half... that's alot of time together IMO. so why be insecure?

 

i thnk from now on no more ex talk lol. this only brings up issues and thoughts in your mind which really aren't relavant anymore

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I know that men don't like insecurity, and I never show him that I think about these things. That's why when he says things like that I just let it go, because I don't want to bother him about it. I promise, I don't pester him about his past. It just happened to come up and I asked casually, although inside I was mini-freaking out. I KNOW it's lame, which is exactly why I just want someone to talk me out of it.

 

 

 

Also while you are saying you don't show these things, people can and do pick up on insecurities in a relationship.

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i do the same with my bf and vice versa. it's just couples sillyness and playfullness (for me anyway). none of us think the others insecure or anything. it's just nice to hear it sometimes..

 

 

 

I guess my fiance just tells me he loves me enough that I don't really see a need to ask him if he does or not. I have always thought it was silly to ask someone if they loved you, no offense to anyone and maybe it's just me but that is how I have always felt.

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I guess my fiance just tells me he loves me enough that I don't really see a need to ask him if he does or not. I have always thought it was silly to ask someone if they loved you, no offense to anyone and maybe it's just me but that is how I have always felt.

 

Ditto. If I wanted to hear it, I could tell him I love him first because he alwayes responds "I love you too". But I think I always say it because I want to, not because I'm looking for the same response. I think he would think it was weird if I asked him if he loved me.

 

It is definitely nice to hear. Get in the habit of saying it several times a day & you won't need to ask if he loves you!

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alli -- Thanks, you are right. Maybe we think of "first love" as something different and I'm sure he just didn't put a lot of thought into his answer, as it was just a stupid quiz.

 

Jeckyll -- You are also right, no more ex talk. I think I have a morbid curiosity about it even though I know it drives me crazy. Some people are fine knowing about people's pasts, and I really don't like to hear about it at all. So I won't go asking questions I don't want to know the answers to.

 

Mythical -- I definitely won't ever be asking him that question again, even if it was playful and he does it as well. I never meant to look insecure when I asked that, and I'm done with it now.

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It is definitely nice to hear. Get in the habit of saying it several times a day & you won't need to ask if he loves you!

yea, i guess it's because we dont say it all the time.

 

alli -- Thanks, you are right. Maybe we think of "first love" as something different and I'm sure he just didn't put a lot of thought into his answer, as it was just a stupid quiz.

 

Jeckyll -- You are also right, no more ex talk. I think I have a morbid curiosity about it even though I know it drives me crazy. Some people are fine knowing about people's pasts, and I really don't like to hear about it at all. So I won't go asking questions I don't want to know the answers to.

 

Mythical -- I definitely won't ever be asking him that question again, even if it was playful and he does it as well. I never meant to look insecure when I asked that, and I'm done with it now.

i think all he was trying to get accross btw was that he wasn't liking this ex talk and all the questioning one bit.

 

good luck.

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Personally, I think he was uncertain how to answer your question because he's had feelings for other people, not because he is uncertain of his feelings for you. So he couldn't tell you if you were his "first", not if you were his "love". That's how I see it, anyway.

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I just... didn't know he might have loved her. I feel like everything I thought isn't true anymore. Plus, loving him has made me sure I was never in love before that. I guess I just thought he felt the same, and I'm a little hurt that maybe that isn't true.

 

Anyway, I know he loves me and he tells me every day and that should be all that matters. I'm trying really hard to remember that.

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I just... didn't know he might have loved her. I feel like everything I thought isn't true anymore. Plus, loving him has made me sure I was never in love before that. I guess I just thought he felt the same, and I'm a little hurt that maybe that isn't true.

 

Anyway, I know he loves me and he tells me every day and that should be all that matters. I'm trying really hard to remember that.

 

I think we minimize our feelings in our past relationships when we are in a good one right now. Every guy I date seems better than the last! Until the next one comes.

 

However he felt about her in the past, that is his business. He's probably had crushes on a lot of girls. Heck, maybe he was wondering if his "first love" was that girl he played with on the playground in 1st grade. His ex doesn't even matter. It was a short relationship & she cheated on him so I don't think you have a lot to worry about.

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I just... didn't know he might have loved her. I feel like everything I thought isn't true anymore. Plus, loving him has made me sure I was never in love before that. I guess I just thought he felt the same, and I'm a little hurt that maybe that isn't true.

 

Anyway, I know he loves me and he tells me every day and that should be all that matters. I'm trying really hard to remember that.

 

 

As you get older it will be a lot harder to find someone who hasn't loved someone else. All that matters is that they are with you now and love you. Things change in relationships all the time, love fades. Just because they were in love with someone else in the past it doesn't always mean they still are.

 

I am completely in love with my fiance and I love him more than I have ever loved anyone else. However, I was also in love with my ex at one point but being with my current guy I see that the love I had for my ex wasn't nearly as strong as the love I now have for my fiance. But if I was in a situation similar to yours and was asked if someone was my first love, knowing they weren't i'd probably try to avoid the question because either way it's going to hurt them because I will either be lying about it or telling them that no they aren't my first true love. This is the reason why that question should NEVER be asked.

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