Decaf08 Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 It's been 3 weeks NC right off the bat. as soon as she broke things off I immeditely performed NC. She never contacted me, neither have I. I'm just wondering, could my ex been as hurt as well? Probably not, since she broke it off in the first place. But what are the odds of an ex establishing contact especially when they're the focused, independent and very very stubborn type of person? Please help, I've found out what sunk the relationship (guarded heart, etc..), I've been working on changing myself during the 3 weeks of NC (working out, cleaning up my room, hygiene, making new friends, dated, and been getting control of my emotions). I really want a second chance to be with her and share the intimacy and a new connection. Link to comment
Adge Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Hi Decaf. You've given me lots of good advice in the past so here's my two-pence-worth: If you were the dumper, would you contact "the ex"? I don't think I would. I would feel too guilty. If you've gone so long with no contact, what have you got to lose by contacting her in some way, without being all emotional? especially when they're the focused, independent and very very stubborn type of person? Sounds exactly like my ex, although behind closed doors she was pretty needy and clingy. I would contact her, but that's just me. I think there is a fine balance between no contact and contact. She probably doesn't even realise you're thinking about her. Link to comment
Decaf08 Posted January 11, 2009 Author Share Posted January 11, 2009 You have a very good point about the Ex's feeling guilty. But as far as things are concerned there were a few things that have happened in the past that would make me realize that she may or may not have been. 3 weeks of dropping off the face of their world, and locking them away from our world does create a lot of curiosity on both ends. I wish she wasn't far away, at least the likelihood of LC would have been more accessible. I find the distance a mixed blessing, it enforces NC, but it decreases most forms of contact. The logical side of me would say that she was the one who initiated the break up in the first place, and that she was the one who didn't pull her weight near the end of the relationship (it was long distance, I found myself calling her, driving up to meet her, although not enough). Yet at the same time, she only did this in response to me not being there for her. It's tough when they tell you they've "changed" and they don't want the relationship with you... Well her birthday is coming up very very very close. Friends have presented to me different angles to approach this: -text message -call her -one friend even suggested that if I really really love her, I prove it through actions ie, see her in person and do everything I can to get her back (although it's strongly advised on ENA) -set something up so that we could see each other face to face Hey Adge, did your ex ever have a twin by any chance? My ex is the independent stubborn type, but behind closed doors she too was clingy and needy. Link to comment
Adge Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Mine's from South Africa. Not that that should make a particular difference, but they are apparently known for both their strong but needy traits! I think the face-to-face thing is too early to do at this stage and may come over as desperate. I do however think that a call or text to wish her a happy birthday is an extremely good idea. I think she'd probably expect it and wouldn't come accross as anything too "weird"! And also, me making the effort towards the end of my relationship sounds very similar to yours. She didn't really. Started to concentrate on her own past times that make her happy!! Link to comment
johnsf1980 Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 I'm just wondering, could my ex been as hurt as well? Probably not, since she broke it off in the first place. I'm pretty sure that sometimes the dumper feels hurt too. Link to comment
ckm_73 Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 I'm struggling with the same thing. I've been in NC for 2 months and I'm wondering if I should try to contact her in some way. I see you've only been in NC for 3 weeks. That doesn't seem long enough to me, but every situation is different. It's a tough decision to make, since you don't know how they're going to react to hearing from you. You want to give them time and space, but you also want to gently nudge them. Let them know you still care, and see if they react positively. I guess you just have to be patient and take it slow. Dont' contact them too much, keep it light and fun, and let them take the lead. Link to comment
Decaf08 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 I'm pretty sure that sometimes the dumper feels hurt too. As according to a friend, and from what you say, she may have just avoided contact with me because she's thinking that I'm mad at her. I'm not really mad at her per say, but just mad at the situation. Which comes to a question, should she even see my anger during this stage? So yeah, 3 weeks go by, and definitely no contact has occurred...I've been very very tempted to just call her and apologize for the things I did that pushed us away in the first place. I wanted to tell her that I really missed her and shouldn't have taken a the relationship for granted. She was a girl living by herself in another city, it was my responsibility to keep in contact with her and reassure things were going to be okay. It was my responsibility to see her at least once a week, not once every 2 or 4 weeks and that I should have shown more of my emotions when around her, instead of keeping them bottled up at times (even if it meant that she would see me angry). Yes I've decided that I will call her on her birthday next week. I'm sure that it's the right thing to do for a person's birthday (even though she didn't do the same for me, long story short) because I care and I still love her. I always keep in touch with people who are an important part of my life. Link to comment
Decaf08 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 I'm struggling with the same thing. I've been in NC for 2 months and I'm wondering if I should try to contact her in some way. I see you've only been in NC for 3 weeks. That doesn't seem long enough to me, but every situation is different. It's a tough decision to make, since you don't know how they're going to react to hearing from you. You want to give them time and space, but you also want to gently nudge them. Let them know you still care, and see if they react positively. I've given her quite the amount of space and time, but it's NC right after the break up. To make things short, I didn't beg, plead, or told her the "you can't leave me but I love you!" speech, nag, or tried to reason her way out of breaking up with me. I calmly accepted it. We haven't communicated, even though she asked for it e.g. "You can still contact me, I don't mind" and she never used the "let's just be friends" line either. This is where I'm confused... Link to comment
Wstd Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Being in contact with an ex u still love might be a dangerous thing. What if she has moved on? 3 weeks is not a long time but can u handle that possibility? What if she moves on and u are there to witness it? I thought i could handle this but it hurt me 100 times more than the break up did. Every situation is different so i can't suggest anything, but i think nc is the safest for u... Link to comment
Adge Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Decaf - Is it all your fault why you broke up? I put all the blame on myself until I had a real think about it and then realised that a lot of it was her too. I guess that's why she decided to split up with me...just wasn't working. Link to comment
Decaf08 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 Those were the faults on my end. The faults on her end was that she didn't prioritize the relationship at times, and from the fact that she was influenced by her friends in her program (a majority of them were in long distance relationships as well, but all of them emphasized the whole "LD's only work out if you've been in a serious relationship prior to the LD" crap). One major thing was that she did So in essense, I saw her faults as well. wstd you have a very good point of her moving on as well. But I also see that not being in contact would create the "out of sight, out of mind" situation where she'd just completely move on.... So during the break up she did mention that she "didn't want a relationship" and that she "wantd to date other people and see what's out there". Is that a sign that she's already moved on? NC: the actions are simple, the theories are not Link to comment
zrehman Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 No Contact is my answer for you ... Do not contact her. She dumped you plain and simple. If she truly loves you and misses you, she will contact you. But don't go back to her... Unless you were the dumper then I would say maybe contact her and try to win her back, but you are the dumpee. Let her come to you. No contact 100% Link to comment
gee Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 No Contact is my answer for you ... Do not contact her. She dumped you plain and simple. If she truly loves you and misses you, she will contact you. But don't go back to her... Unless you were the dumper then I would say maybe contact her and try to win her back, but you are the dumpee. Let her come to you. No contact 100% I agreee w/ Zman! If you think a bday wish or any sort of contact is going to make her react than don't do it. Don't think too much about it. She left you and it's good that you went NC immediately! You should continue healing from all of this. Trying to maintain any sort of contact with the ex will set you back and slow down your healing progress. Especially, since it's only been 3 weeks. Trust me on this one bud! It's only been 3 weeks and it's waaaay too soon to contact her. Your emotions will get the best of you if you decide to contact her. Let's say if you did contact her.. are you ready to be ignored, or rejected? Are you ready to hear somehitng you do NOT want to hear (she might be dating, or has a bf)? There many factors to think about here. This is only my opionion. My friend the best thing you can do right now is continue with your progress. Keep working on yourself and maintain NC. If she decides to break NC then let her. Don't be the one to make her contact you. Good luck my friend! gee Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 I don't think you should conact her either. She broke up with you and the fact she hasn't contacted you means she still stands by her decision at the moment. Best thing you can do is continue with the NC and move on as best you can. If she does start to regret her decision in the future she will contact you I am sure. Link to comment
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