Sex talk... maybe you can relate.

[jettison]

So, I have never been much of a kiss and tell kind of guy. Sure, I've tossed out the occasional anonymous story on ENA, but in real life, most people have no idea at all. I just think it's generally disrespectful to talk about what you've done with a woman.

 

Because this has been my habit, I've had some interesting feedback. I do have a lot of women friends, so I've had a lot of friends just assume that something has gone on when it hasn't. And if I'm asked, I'll say, matter of factly, "No, I've never been with her" without any hesitation. But truthfully, even if I was involved then I'd say the same thing. Either way, I get called, playfully, a liar as well.

 

Also, one of my very best friends is a woman. She calls me a player. I'm not a player at all. But she'll even call me this in front of other women. So, I end up getting this reputation that's, frankly, undeserved. Sure, I date women, but I'm more of a serial monogamist (post 10 year relationship) with the occasional random hookup where I'm certainly not playing anyone whatsoever.

 

Anyway, last night I had a moment that I regret. I've been dating this woman that I really like. I mean, I REALLY like her. She's the first person I've been with that I've liked this much in 2+ years at least. I've had all kinds of different connections, but this one is just so cool and unique. It's like I've had this little smile on my face for months now. It's kind of a careful smile still, but a smile none the less.

 

So, I'm at the restaurant with 3 female friends, and they start talking about sex, like they almost always do. We're drinking wine, they're talking about how big some guy's dong is, or who slept with who's ex-boyfriend, or who just bought a female condom, or who just had to buy Plan B last week. Blah, blah, blah.. the usual stuff.

 

Then, somehow, I was cued to talk. It started with "You know, I like your new GF so much. She's amazing. She may be my favorite." One thing lead to another and then suddenly I'm talking about sex. Our sex. Sex with this new woman. And then I'm describing something pretty risque that happened in the back of a car recently. And then once I said that, I just stopped myself and literally felt sick to my stomach.

 

This goes against everything I believe in, ESPECIALLY when it's about someone who I really care about, but really, even if it's about anyone at all. I feel terrible. Still, the next day, I feel like a slimey bastard for even putting a voice to it.

 

So, please tell me that you've done something similar, that you've felt bad about it, and that you didn't feel compelled to do it again in the future.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Unfortunately, I am guilty of this.

 

When all my housemates start talking about funny stories of almost getting walked in on, I chimed in once or twice...

 

I feel horrible afterwards and very much regret it. I hope that it doesn't compromise his experience with coming to visit me.

 

I most likely will slip up and mention something again. However, the best you can do is try not to.

 

It is very nice to know that this girl means so much to you. It's rather sweet.

[civilservant]

I never talk about my sex life, is no one elses business. I only did it once, after a few glasses of wine. Shes now married to my best friend, so what I told him was the first time he heard of her having sex.

 

He told her I'd told him, failed to mention the drink, and all of a sudden I was the bed guy. Things between us are fine now, but still, I regret it.

[doyathink]

Jett...you're only human man. Listen, we've all done it. Thats when you pray everyone forgets it the next day. lol....but really...I think I do it a hell of a lot more often then I'd care to admit.

[greywolf]

I've done it. There's just this moment when everyone is joking around and you mention something that you really wish you had never said. I try not to feel bad about it because my ex was more open about what she did with me to her friends.

[dr_styles]

Incase you haven't seen, I'm one of the guys who hasn't ever done anything with a girl so this probably doesn't count, but I would rarely even talk about relationships and gossip (let alone sex) even with my friends. Most I'll do is relationship troubles/lack of with my closest couple of friends usually in a pretty frank sombre environment, but in general I wouldn't for "leisure" ... maybe because I can't; I have no experience to talk about.

 

But even then, talking about say, what I might like to do or what I prefer in women, I would be very closed off to doing that.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Wow Jettison...it sounds like your friends want to me like the fictional characters of Sex and the City...I think you should remind them that while it may make for interesting escapist viewing on TV or on the big screen, in real life it is just very tacky. Okay, sometimes we slip up and yammer on more than we intended because we get caught up in what the friends are sharing and want to be included. Don't beat yourself up over it...it was just once..the rest of the time you have shown that you are discreet so don't let this one mistake haunt you. By the way, I hope your female friends have more to talk about than their sexual escapades (and shoes and clothes!).

[jettison]

Yeah, they are generally deeper then that. They don't always talk about sex, but when they do then it's generally like that. And we do live in "the City" so maybe there is something to that. ;-) Anyway, I don't like that that happened, but I can't do anything about it now. Gossip is never any good, but it's especially bad when it's regarding someone you are close to.

Wow Jettison...it sounds like your friends want to me like the fictional characters of Sex and the City...I think you should remind them that while it may make for interesting escapist viewing on TV or on the big screen, in real life it is just very tacky. Okay, sometimes we slip up and yammer on more than we intended because we get caught up in what the friends are sharing and want to be included. Don't beat yourself up over it...it was just once..the rest of the time you have shown that you are discreet so don't let this one mistake haunt you. By the way, I hope your female friends have more to talk about than their sexual escapades (and shoes and clothes!).

[waveseer]

Regret is such an important feeling. It teaches us who we are. I have no doubt that given the same circumstances in the future you would smile a knowing smile rather than spill any details.

 

No worries.

[JeckyllNHyde]

Hey Jett.

I've done it once or twice in the beginning. Thing is I used to do it alot in the past with really really close friends. But with my current guy, he brought it to my attention he'd prefer i didnt gab about sex, and even other personal relationship stuff.

yet i may have let it slip once or twice. then never again. i just forgot about it and haven't looked back.

 

i just learned from it, and realised what i did was something i didnt want to do anymore.

i'm sure over time your friends will also forget about what u said. more gossip and interesting tidbits will happen and ur risque story will be a thing of the past.

it's hard sometimes to keep mum in a group of really close friends, who are all spilling the juice. and you're just sitting htere quietly.

[tiredofvampires]

I can't recall ever being in a situation where I was with a bunch of friends who were all talking about sex, where I chimed in with something to "show off" about (maybe that's because my sex life has not been as crazy and wild as some). In fact, I can't remember any group sex conversations that were explicit in the nature of the details that people were disclosing. Playfully alluding and spirited in nature yes, but graphic about actual acts or events, no. Nothing that you would call "the locker room gory details" anyway.

 

However, one-on-one, I've talked to girlfriends (and even very close male friends) about encounters. Isn't this part of "girl talk"? I felt I was in a trusting, safe and confidential situation with one other person, and usually the nature of what I was saying wasn't just about thrills, it was about something that amused me, surprised me, was out of the ordinary in either a good or bad way. And in these cases, I didn't feel I was doing my partner any injustice. In fact sometimes, I was singing his praises. I think sex, being a significant part of our experience, is a subject hard to steer clear of just as other noteworthy experiences are. It's interesting to think about...that it might be okay to disclose an incident or detail to a friend in close confidence, but that to tell it to more than one person it becomes gossip or disrespectful. So then....the number of people you tell makes it more disrespectul, rather than the content or the motivation behind it? If you told each of these 3 women about the same material in close confidence, separately, would that change it from gossip to just "an intimate conversation between friends"? I'm only putting out questions as food for thought, that've occurred to me without necessarily having an answer of my own.

 

I also think there's a difference between telling your friend(s) something that happened to YOU, vs. "who bought a female condom"/other people's private information. If something is valuable information, like "If latex irritates you, maybe you should try the polyurathane condom...it really works for us, and I use the female condom which makes it even better for him" I don't see anything wrong with that, vs., "Did you hear that Cynthia just got the female condom? Why on earth would anyone want something so inconvenient. Or what's wrong with Jake that he won't wear a normal rubber for her?" which is a different matter.

[jettison]

All good points. My main concern is that I'm disclosing the intimate business of a woman to other women, and it's not her choice that I do so. In fact, she's be mortified if she knew that I said anything about it. So, it was disrespectful of me to talk about it to this little group of women, two of which I know like to talk quite a bit... so evident from what they were talking about all night for example.

 

So, I'd just assume to have passed, and that's why I have regret. I like this woman, I don't need other people to talk about "Jett's latest conquest". Because, to me, this isn't any kind of conquest at all. This is just someone I happen to like and care about quite a bit, and the whole idea of what we've been through together is exciting.

 

The genre of what I said is basically akin to "We did x, and we did it in y place, while you two didn't even know and were z'ing." Ya know? That could and should have just stayed something between me and the woman, and not between me and these three other people.

[tiredofvampires]

So then yeah, a lot of this kind of transgression depends on the variables -- who you are telling, what you are telling, how you are telling and then of course how you know this particular woman would feel about it. If you know she'd be mortified and what you were doing with her had an almost clandestine quality to it that was implicitly understood, then I can see why you feel this bad. If you were telling a secret to people who can't keep secrets, it's different than if you're telling a secret to people who can keep secrets, or telling something that isn't secret to people who like to blab, you know? So I think a lot of this is the devil being in the details.

 

Because you see, I for instance wouldn't really be "mortified" if my boyfriend let on a few racy things to his friends, as long as I knew it wouldn't turn into badmouthing or disrespect in some way for me. As you said, you were excited about the idea and wanted to share your excitement. I have some sympathy for that even though it wasn't a good judgment call.

 

Just know that if you feel this aware and bad, it is a good sign for your relationship, because that means you have high standards for your conduct and a strong feeling of care for her feelings. If you feel this bad over a foregiveable infraction, you're not likely to do it again...and lessons learned are a net gain.

[KG]

Jett,

We're human, we make mistakes....smart are those that learn from them, as you surely have. No foul.

[jettison]

Jett,

We're human, we make mistakes....smart are those that learn from them, as you surely have. No foul.

 

Thanks KG and TOV. I'll hope I've really learned.

[KG]

^^^Jett,

You've got a good head on your shoulders. Don't sweat it, just enjoy this woman's company. Sounds like a catch!

Good luck to you.