Abusive father?

[house259]

I dont know where to start. My father is a great man. He cares for our family, provides for us, is there when we need him..etc. He's always been involved in our lives. He has a slight problem though: His anger. He's always been like this, so i don't know why i'm noticing it more lately. I think it might have something to do with the economical problems were going through, and man are they bad. We never have money to pay the rent or the bill, and even money for food is limited. This is something none of us had ever gone through.

 

But back to my dad. He can be cool and relaxed one minute and the next he'll burst out in fury over any stupid thing. It's become pretty bad. He insults and screams at me or anyone who defies or disagrees with him. Just yesterday we were talking pretty casually about animals and it ended with him calling me an idiot for my opinion.

 

I have to say i've gotten really fed up with his temper and i think i even resent him for it although i always try to forget and get past every situation. When he does anything rude however, old feelings come rushing back and i feel like i hate him for it. I have to admit i've deeply disrespected him at times and told him things how they are, slammed doors..etc. But he has even gotten to the point of hitting me. Its not like i'm 5 years old anymore!!! It gets me really upset, i've even left the house a few times to "teach him a lesson" but it hasnt worked.

 

He doesnt lay a finger on my mother though, and bearly touches my two little sisters.

 

I really don't know what to do. My family is very close and i want to have a good relationship with my dad but i feel like its impossible to keep the peace. He isnt the kind of man that changes or admits his mistakes so it's not like i can just sit down with him and have a conversation. I'm really considering transfering to another college just so i dont have to be around him. I'm sick of crying and feeling sorry for myself.

[shikashika]

That's very sad. Do you think he may have an un-diagnosed mental disorder?

[house259]

I don't think so. He's very normal. Unless temper tantrums are a mental disorder

[shikashika]

I don't think so. He's very normal. Unless temper tantrums are a mental disorder

 

 

Well temper tantrums are not normal for an adult. I'm no expert...but it doesn't seem normal to be calm and collected one minute and high flying anger the next.

[house259]

I get why you all may think that. I'm definetly not taking it out of the picture. Maybe i mislead you on that point though. Certain things upset him A LOT. like us disagreeing with him, touching his things, asking him questions at the wrong times. Typical things, just that he over reacts to them. And if you try to defend yourself, its always worst. I guess I feel like HE'S ALWAYS RIGHT, and everyone else is stupid. Its like he builds up from being okay to really angry.

[laisla]

my dad's the same. just shrug it off.

[Lucy__lou]

I'm sorry that you've got an aggressive domineering, irrational man for a father.

 

Thank yourself that his ugly side is only coming out as you're becoming an adult, because you are better able to get out of the situation.

 

I don't think shrugging it off will be good for you in the long run, nor will challenging him.

 

He is bigger and stronger than you, and has the weight of being your father, so if he has an inability to be reasonably and discuss differences of opinion in a civilised way, then you're only going to wear yourself down by fighting him, and you need all your energy to get good grades, build your financial independence up and get away from him.

 

The risk of being around aggressive and abusive men, in my opinion, is that in order to cope, one often finds ways of getting used to it, and fooling yourself that it's not that bad. If you stay, you may find yourself getting so used to being around this abusive behaviour that it becomes normal, and nest thing you know, you'll be in a relationship with a man who does the same thing to you, because you've brain washed yourself into thinking that these kind of men are ok.

 

If, on the other hand, you consciously recognise that his behaviour is not acceptable, and consciously resolve to not tolerate it for a second longer than you have to, then you'll be on the path to more peaceful, reasonable and healthy home environments.

 

Just the fact that you're asking yourself if this is abusive behaviour seems to be a step in the right direction. Don't let anyone tell you that his bad behaviour is justified.

 

 

All the best getting out of there.

[house259]

Thanks that was really helpful. Does anyone have a suggestion about how to actually treat him? Is there anything I can do to change or help him have more patience?

[IndigoEye]

Can you communicate with him about it? Express your feelings and concerns? Tell him you're hurting. Then address treatment. I don't know him, of course. It may very well help. And how about talking to your mother or someone else about it to help you out? Hope it works for you.

[hiphop3]

Can you communicate with him about it? Express your feelings and concerns? Tell him you're hurting. Then address treatment. I don't know him, of course. It may very well help. And how about talking to your mother or someone else about it to help you out? Hope it works for you.

 

i agree with this approach. but if it doesn't work, then he'll only change on his own terms, and who knows when that will happen. so if he doesn't listen, spend less time around him/the house.

[Lucy__lou]

Thanks that was really helpful. Does anyone have a suggestion about how to actually treat him? Is there anything I can do to change or help him have more patience?

 

The fact that he allows himself to have angry outbursts which he directs at you shows a lack of respect for you. You can't change other people, unless they want to change, and if he doesn't feel the need to treat you with respect, and doesn't admit fault, then all I think you can do is acknowledge his irrationality and minimise your exposure to him. And let him see that you won't stand around and cop abuse. Walk away when he has his outbursts and say to him, "I'm not going to stand here and be shouted at like this. Talk to me when you've calmed down." And calmly leave the room.

 

This is just what I would maybe do. I don't know if it's suitable in your situation. maybe it's dangerous, and you should just humor him. But I don't like your chances of improving him. I think you need to focus on yourself, and preserving your energy, not changing him.