I'm a mess

[Brig]

I started talking to my ex and we were talking about reconciling but it just went bad. I found out some things she had been dishonest about, not cheating (she swears not) but just other things. I'm so depressed right now. I'm so tired but I can't sleep. My eyes are sunken and have dark rings around them. My face is pale. I've lost weight. She's hanging onto me wanting me to give her a chance but the pain she has caused me actually makes me scared of her. I'm paranoid about everything she's doing now and it makes me downright miserable. Now we're in limbo because I'm having a hard time commiting to working it out because I don't trust her now. She is clinging onto me and keeps begging to work it out. I am so torn and conflicted because Im SO SO reluctant to be with her now but I'm having a hard time letter her go. Honestly, I feel so depressed that I keep thinking about suicide. I just imagine it, I don't think I'll actually do it because I'm too afraid to but I feel so low that I just want to die. It's unbareable. I can't believe this woman has affected me like this. I wish I was strong enough that another person couldn't hurt me like this. How does one separate love and attachment? I feel like that because I fell in love that I got attached and because I got attached I gave the power over myself away to her. It's very sad. Please help me though this, thankyou.

[DN]

What were the things that she was lying about?

[Brig]

She enrolled in college and got a job and lied about both to me and claimed to be spending that time doing different things. There's a lot of details surrounding all of it but thats the guist of it.

[DN]

Why would she lie about something like that - it seems very strange.

 

The reason I ask is to see if there is any way you can get past these lies and if you think they are some sort of betrayal.

[Brig]

Well, that's the problem. That's where the paranoia sets in. I'm not a person who does things like that so I cant really gague how far a person would go to cover something like cheating up. I just don't see why she'd cheat instead of just cut me loose. I think I'm a bit too naive when it comes to infedelity to trust my own judgement.. It's the what if's and the maybe's that are killing me.