Insecure

[Pr0vocative]

I can't stop feeling like I'm not enough for my boyfriend and that hes gonna find someone else

 

We had a really rocky relationship for over a year broke up because we were bad together, we did our own thing and then got back together after months of being apart because we were the best thing we've ever experienced.

 

He didn't come close to getting into another relationship but I can't stop thinking about him and one paticular girl, I imagine them really close and he fancied her but they never went out and he hasn't told anyone else that he loves them after me.

 

Weve been back together for a while now, we have been seeing each other three years which includes the break up of months in which time I thought I'd never speak to him again, we had no contact and us getting back together was completely accidental

 

He has a select few girls he talks to so he isn't a major flirt and I don't want to lose him again because I missed him more than anything but I want to end it because I'm driving myself insane

 

The only time I'm secure is when hes constantly telling me that he loves me, texting me, talking to me and thats not right no relationship should be like that

 

I get dead jealous of other girls and I worry that he is going to fancy them more than he fancies me, I am sometimes confident with the way I look but if I try talk to my friends about this they think I'm crazy as alot of people think I'm attractive and I was signed to a modelling agency

 

I don't understand how so many girls can be so confident in with their own apperance and I don't feel I'm good enough for my man

 

Help please? =S

[COtuner]

My suspicion would be that your attachment to him is leading to the insecurity. You were apart, thereforee you could find yourself apart again. I think the only way around this is to stop yourself when you start feeling this way - forcibly focus your mind on something else through whatever means. Meditation, drop and do twenty pushups, turn on a favorite song, anything.

 

What you risk is suddenly blowing up at him one day with all this insecurity and it will freak him out and make him mad. The only thing you have control over, is being yourself and not worrying about what could happen. (easier said than done - many of us find ourselves stressed out about things our imagination has already drawn out to a conclusion).

[volpe]

Hi Provocative,

 

I know what you are going through, I understand. My first love I used to get very jealous of and imagine he was with other people. It didn't help that he kept suggesting having an open relationship, but the truth is I was unaware of where my feelings were coming from, if they were based in reality or if it was just my own abandonment issues from my family.

 

I think, in retrospect, that it was a combination of two. I am in a relationship now, but can easily find myself sliding into dark spaces of worry even though he clearly cares for me in ways no one else in my life has.

 

If you can talk to a counselor that would be the best solution. To figure out where are your feelings coming from, if they are based on real concerns. Part of the reason why you need him to tell you that he loves you could be related to other problems or deficits in your relationship. But the truth is that if you have a low self esteem, no matter how much he tells you that you will not believe it. We can't tell you how your boyfriend feels about you. We don't know him and if you aren't sure how can any of us be sure? But the truth is that he has stuck it out with you so at least on some level he is committed to you.

 

I used to also be very jealous about my bf thinking about other girls. Now, because I am more comfortable with my own sexuality I can see that I am attracted sometimes to other guys. I don't act on those feelings, but accepting my own feelings allows me to accept that my boyfriend will also be sometimes attracted to other girls. But he cares for me, our relationship is positive and comfortable in ways relationships with these girls would not. We are good for each other and I know that, so I have nothing to worry about.

 

So there are a few things there for you: learning to feel comfortable with your own desires, allowing yourself to feel your own sexuality without shame, and examining your relationship for compatibility. Do you make each other happy? Do you think that the two of you have something special and can understand each other? If so, recognize that and appreciate it and allow that feeling to take precedence in your mind.

 

You may want therapy though. I know I have a counseling appointment to look at ways to change my negative thinking. To catch myself when I start having negative, fearful thoughts and not spiral down into anxiety. You may want to consider doing the same.

 

Best of luck. You are not alone in this. You are not the first one to feel like this. And you won't feel like this forever!

[catfeeder]

The problem with drilling into insecurity is that puts a warped and one-sided perspective on every detail of our lives. It becomes a 'proof seeking' way of relating. It makes everything about me; who loves me, how they show it and how everything affects me. Loved ones grow weary. Fearful people are no picnic to love.

 

Proof seeking kills love. Look at it from a lover's perspective; how can you satisfy someone who lacks confidence in your ability to love them? Their silent subtext keeps screaming, "Never leave me," and "Never do anything that I can interpret as wanting to leave me," which sets you up to prove a negative every. single. day.

 

It's a perpetual losing position--because there's no possible way to prove 'never' in advance. It's exactly this never-ending futility that drives someone, who would otherwise never leave, TO leave.

 

I decided to make my relationships--with everyone from coworkers to friends, family and community--about focusing on what I'm giving rather than what I'm getting. I started meditating. I started to ID positive traits in others that I wanted to emulate. I started viewing slights as accidental rather than a signal of disregard. I became generous rather than defensively warding off abandonment. I stopped attention-seeking and became invisible. I kept my focus like a tunnel until my new habits took hold and my thinking followed.

 

The kind of giving that literally sets you free is from the highest place within yourself that taps it's own source of abundance. That abundance IS love. Nobody else needs to fill that place because it can't be depleted. Tapping love for its own sake teaches you what 'infinite' means. You no longer feel a need to seek FOR love, you become a channel OF love, and all the neurosing and personality glitches that once prevented this flow just start falling away ... they become something you can remember well enough to help the next person through theirs, but not anything you feel gripped by any longer.

 

It just takes a decision--then practice. The practice itself is what teaches you the veracity and importance of the decision, which you make consciously every. single. day. Some people do it through prayer, others while in the shower. Point is, it's not some angelic state to be attained, it's just a shift you make with your mind--and it's the biggest gift you can possibly give to your Self.

 

In your corner.