9 years and gone

[peanut]

I posted here a while ago (sudden break up thread) ...my boy of nine years left me in september claiming he wanted to be alone. He said he knew he wanted to marry me but just needed to make sure he was ready. I never begged for him to stay...in fact I left straight away and left any contact up to him. He has been in touch and we have had to see each other recently as we have a mortgage together. When we met I was light, laughing and never brought up the relationship in any way. But neither did he. He still had most of his clothes/belongings in our our flat, even though I have had to get a flat mate in to help with the rent. He is going away for two months to clear his head so I asked him nicely earlier this week to clear out all his stuff as I wanted to make a fresh start. Now my shelves are empty of his stuff and so is my heart. It's horrible.

 

I feel like although he broke us, I have had to initiate all of the actual breaking up! He wanted to see me again before he goes away and I said I didn't think that was a good idea. I know he is confused and so is keeping me on the back burner but I can't wait forever even though I want to.

 

Is this the best way for me to act? I genuinely believe we are meant to be. He is my soul mate and I hope that pushing him away like this and showing him that I want to move on is perhaps the only way he'll come to his senses!

 

I wish there was a guidebook that told us how to act! I have to move on for my own sanity but have I pushed too far?

[CAgirl]

I think that you are acting very mature. "If you love him then you should let him go" and I guess that if he comes back and assuming that you still want him back then it was meant to be.

 

It would be amazing if there was a guidebook for break ups but sadly there is not.

[Nearwater]

9 years is so long you know him better than any of us, but who leaves without working on a relationship? If he wants to marry he does not leave you alone to wonder and need a room-mate to help with the bills...

 

This sounds like one of those times where an ultimatum might be needed, Work things out, with me, go to therapy, talk, pull your head out of your * * * * , whatever, or you are down the road...

[Clabs]

Hi Peanut

 

I am so sorry for your crappy situation, I really am. You ask about a guide book to help you know how to act but I think you have acted impecably throughout all of this - with dignity and class.

 

Don't worry about pushing him away - you have simply given him what he wanted.

 

Nobody knows what the future brings for us but you are certainly right to not sit around waiting - life is far too short, and as you rightly say, you have to do this for your own sanity. Will he come to his senses? Nobody can tell you this, but you have to bear in mind that he was prepared to lose you to someone else through his actions. Maybe in time you will come to the conclusion that actually, you deserve better than this.

 

I know it doesn't take the heartache away right now but please do know that you have done the right thing here and that it will get easier.

 

Keep your chin up hun.

 

Mark

[peanut]

Thank you so much for all your kind words of support. I'm nearly four months into this and still feel like I'm losing the best thing that ever happened to me. I have amazing friends and am feeling strong and independent. I know I have to let him go for now and be good to myself. He said he's still working things out in his head so fingers crossed he works out the right answer. Thank you