I ended it and now I have doubts

[confused4life]

Sorry in advance long post

 

I recently ended things with my boyfriend that I had been dating for 3 years. For the past year I feel like we have been growing apart. In the beginning it was great we were happy in love, and the physical part was great, but as time went on the physical part really start to fade for me. I just never really was into doing it anymore and I have no idea why. After that I started to feel like we were still happy sometimes but it lost that excitement feeling. And I know that doesn't last forever so I didn't really pay attention to it. I felt like we were more content in our relationship than anything.

 

Then I moved to a different state for school, and a couple months later he followed me down. He was really out of his comfort zone (he's really close to his family) and to move so far away without friends or family was really hard for him. I included him in everything my friends and I did, but then he freaked out because I was friends with this one guy (we really are just friends, I think he's actually gay). So then we got in a fight and he said "The love is gone". And I think that was when I felt like it really was. He later told me he just said that to be mean, but secretly I'd been thinking that for the past year. I just feel like all the excitement has gone away, and that we were just together because it was easy and convenient. He's the type of guy that I know I could marry and be with forever, but I don't know if I would be really happy. So I ended it saying I needed time to think about us and whether we are right for each other, but I just can't figure it out.

 

Now I don't know if I did the right thing. I miss him, but not as much as I feel like I should. I'm doing ok that we're not together and it hasn't really affected me or hit me yet. But I don't know if that's because I know he'll still be there for me when I decide. But I also don't want to lead him on.

 

I'm just afraid that I'll completely cut things off and then regret it one day. But then I'm also afraid that I'll get back together and just not be happy. I mean I'm content with him. But I feel like somewhere down the line we lost the spark in our relationship. Like there isn't anything exciting anymore.

 

I just have no idea what I should do. Should I take a chance with us, and possibly get guilted into staying or should I just let him go and possibly end up wishing I realized how good I had it.

[lisa1126]

You should give yourself some time and see how you feel. After three years, even if the spark has been gone, the break up is not easy. You will miss him.

 

But I think it would be wise for you to give you and him some time apart to figure things out. If after awhile apart you two still want to be together it will happen. If, after awhile, you move on, then well, you move on.

[Sn0man]

I miss him, but not as much as I feel like I should. I'm doing ok that we're not together and it hasn't really affected me or hit me yet. But I don't know if that's because I know he'll still be there for me when I decide.

Says who?

 

He moved there to be with you and you broke up with him.

 

Not to be mean, but I wouldn't take you back.

 

You don't even know what you want, and if this guy moved to be with you then he knew what he wanted. You need to figure some things out for yourself.

 

But I wouldn't be expecting him to sit around waiting for you to figure things out.

[ca07]

sdp????????

[dstein]

Keep in mind that most of us on this site are the "dumpees" not the "dumpers" and are heartbroken, so you are bound to get some responses coming from that place.

 

That being said, if you aren't sure about how you feel about this man, please take the time to figure it out. Don't string him along. Don't make the breakup any more confusing to him then it already is. Being left and rejected is devastating. Let him start to heal. If there is anything worth revisiting, you can contact him when you are sure about him. It isn't fair to string him along just in case you change your mind. It isn't kind.

 

Take the time to really review the relationship. Make pros and cons lists. Talk to people that you trust. Relationships go through cycles. They change. You have to work at the excitement-the rush of a new relationship will is not sustainable long term. Real love, old love, becomes more comfortable. Excitement comes from what is new, or mysterious. When you really get to know people, that starts to wane. There's nothing wrong with that. If you meant that sexually there was no chemistry, or you didn't enjoy each other or that sort of thing, that may be something else.

 

But please, as someone sitting here with a broken heart that she is trying to heal, please allow him some room as you figure out what it is that you really want, and how you really feel. If he is really the man for you, the two of you will find your way back to each other. Love always finds a way.

[dstein]

What is SDP? Just curious!

[jenm]

I felt a lot like you did when I broke up with my boyfriend. We'd been together 5 years. For the first couple years it was great, but then I started feeling like something was just *missing*. At the time it felt like it was the "spark" missing, but now I realize in a lot of ways it was just basic compatibility. He didn't let me be me the way I wanted to be, and I didn't let him do that either. I felt like we were both pushing each other to be something different than what we were, and it was exhausting. And it infected everything, including my physical attraction to him and my sense of our relationship being "exciting".

 

Anyway, he took the breakup really hard. We were also living together, so that made it worse. I felt so horribly guilty, but I also felt a really huge sense of loss. Because even though things hadn't been perfect, he was someone I'd basically spent most of my time with over the past 5 years. And there were really great things about "us" too, or ways that we got along that were unique and fun and special.

 

I guess my point is that 3 years is a long time. It's going to hurt, even if it's totally the right thing to do. Six months after breaking up with my boyfriend, I was still having qualms of "did I do the right thing?". But now it's been almost 2 years, and I can say without a doubt in my mind that it was the best thing for both of us. We're now both in relationships with people we're much more compatible with. And I think someday we'll probably even be friends.

 

I also think that a real spark never fades. By "spark" I don't mean butterflies or that euphoric rush you get at the beginning of a relationship (although my mother, who has been married to my father for 37 years, claims her heart still beats faster when he enters a room). I guess by spark I mean that feeling someone can give you that they really know and appreciate *you*. And when that's on both sides, I think it brings a sense of real compatibility and understanding, and just a feeling of comfort and peace with the idea that you don't want anybody else. I'm not talking from personal experience, but my parents, my sisters and many of my friends are in really strong, loving marriages and I see it in them.

 

I guess what I'm saying is don't let the fact that you miss him convince you that you're supposed to be with him. Maybe that *is* what it means. But the fact that you'd been feeling sort of indifferent about the relationship for a whole year makes me think that it's not. Of course you miss him. But that doesn't mean you should be with him. And if the feelings really aren't there anymore on your side then breaking up with him (and not drawing it out) is the best thing in the world that you can do for him (although he definitely won't see it that way for awhile).

[confused4life]

Says who?

 

He moved there to be with you and you broke up with him.

 

Not to be mean, but I wouldn't take you back.

 

You don't even know what you want, and if this guy moved to be with you then he knew what he wanted. You need to figure some things out for yourself.

 

But I wouldn't be expecting him to sit around waiting for you to figure things out.

 

He did actually. He moved back to the state he's from before I ended things. So even though we weren't living together anymore he still wanted to be together. Then we both agreed to take time apart until September to really evaluate what we want and figure out who we are and then discuss it again.

 

But like dstein said, I don't want to lead him on and make him wait for me while I figure things about, because I do feel like he knows what he wants. That's why I'm on here to try to sort out all of this and figure out what I really want.

 

jenm's post is like spot on about how I feel. I guess it's just scary to end it completely and break off all ties. I'm just really worried that i'm going to regret it if I let him go. I feel like since he knows he wants to be with me, that I should know that I want to be with him. But I'm not sure if I want to always be with him and I don't know if he'd make me happy.

 

And what does sdp mean??

[UCLAMike]

Says who?

 

He moved there to be with you and you broke up with him.

 

Not to be mean, but I wouldn't take you back.

 

You don't even know what you want, and if this guy moved to be with you then he knew what he wanted. You need to figure some things out for yourself.

 

But I wouldn't be expecting him to sit around waiting for you to figure things out.

 

I agree. I hate the "excitement is gone" story as if anything we have in our lives never loses its excitement.