gottaluvpink Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 This is a little long, but I have to start from the beginning, so bear with me please. I need advise and I dont know where else to go. my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 1/2 years and have been living together for 3 1/2. I never had a reason to not trust him until 2 yrs ago I got pregnant and I was at home sick and he told me he was going to hang out with a friend and ended up going to a strip club and getting another woman to give him lap dances. This of course made me feel a little less than desirable and when I found out the next day we had our first big fight. I ended up having a miscarriage (which I guess was for the best) because after this it just seemed that he didnt really care anymore. Maybe he was doing the things he is doing now all along, He just never got caught before. i have caught him doing everything from planning to meet up with girls from myspace to talking dirty and exchanging nude photos with a woman from his job. He has also continued to lie about going to strip clubs because some pornstar is going to be there. He also still talks to other women online and I found out about 6 months after I caught him talking to the woman from work (which he admitted he knew it was wrong and promised to never talk to her again) I found messages on his myspace between them talking like they always did. I know no one can make a fair judgment on the situation with one side of the story, but I dont believe I have done anything to wrong him, he gets everything he wants and after everthing that he has done, I am still here with him. sometimes he tells me that he thinks he is no good for me but loves me and doesnt want to let me go. I love this man with all my heart but I just dont trust him and I am starting to get burned out on the relationship but even after everything that has happened, the thought of telling him that I am leaving and seeing the hurt on his face would tear me up. I know I shouldnt be worried about it, but its easier said then done. I just want to know if i am feeling this way, is it worth it to stat around. He is 26 but not ready for a MATURE relationship and I am not ready to stick around another 5 yrs while he plays with other women before he decides I am the one he wants. Please help me!
alli Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 Your boyfriend has some not-so-shining qualities. I personally don't think him going to a strip club is that bad, but LYING about it I would have a problem with. Then he's meeting girls on myspace, sending dirty messages & naked pictures to women. He is not respecting you & is quite honestly treating you very badly. He has no motivation to change as you are accepting it by staying with him. I know it would hurt to leave him & it would be a big change in your life, but in the end the change will be for the better for you. It might even be a good change for him; maybe he will learn that his behaviors are unacceptable & he needs to treat a woman better than that. Give yourself a shot at being in a relationship with a faithful partner. It's not him.
gottaluvpink Posted January 10, 2009 Author Posted January 10, 2009 no I never had a problem with the strip clubs at first, until he started lying about it. He told me that he never told me about going because he knew I would be upset. i just dont see myself getting happier, I think he is trying to be better, but like i said, i feel that i am so burnt out, I can barely notice. I just kinda feel stuck in this relationship and i dont know what Im supposed to do. He is so simple minded that If I got up and just left he wouldnt understand why (if we are not fighting he thinks that everything is fine). I was even at work today thinking about what I should do and told myself that i would try to notice that he was being better but if I have to fight with him 1 more time I am done. When I came home today and checked my myspace I happened to look at his page and he has added his ex fiance to his page. he was with this girl all through highschool and then she left him, him and I started seeing each other and he left me for her 3 months later. I went NC with him until 2 yrs later he contacts me and here we are now. I know how he has talked to other girls online, what makes me think he is not talking to his ex? I also got a little riled yesterday when I called him at about 8 30 to see if he was off work and he didnt answer, then 2 min later he calls and says he is leaving. He picks me up at our house to get something to eat and there are 2 take out cups in his truck and I asked him when he went and he said today, and I said y is there 2 and he said he went yesterday as well (to the same resturant) which I was in his truck yesterday and there was nothing in it. I guess I am done, i dont have any trust in him and I am always thinking the worst.
alli Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 I would be done with him, too. It's amazing that he doesn't even see that what he is doing is wrong. Basically he thinks its ok because you don't have a problem with it.. and you don't have a problem with it because you don't know everything he's up to. Just the lying & sneaking around would get to me. Where's the trust? You can't trust someone like that, & that is a very important foundation to your relationship that is missing. I bet your right about him having someone in his car. So it's not just online flirting, now he's up to something & hiding it. Best of luck to you. I hope you can dump him as quick & painlessly as possible.
Ellie2006 Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 after this it just seemed that he didnt really care anymore. Maybe he was doing the things he is doing now all along, He just never got caught before. i have caught him doing everything from planning to meet up with girls from myspace to talking dirty and exchanging nude photos with a woman from his job. He has also continued to lie about going to strip clubs because some pornstar is going to be there. He also still talks to other women online and I found out about 6 months after I caught him talking to the woman from work (which he admitted he knew it was wrong and promised to never talk to her again) I found messages on his myspace between them talking like they always did. Hi there, welcome to ENA. May I ask why you stayed with him for two more years after you learned of his indiscretion? (Was he, at least, supportive after you miscarried?) Were you two trying to work things out? If so, I'm sorry to say that it does not sound like he put any effort into getting the relationship back on the right track. As a matter of fact, it sounds like he just up the ante on the bad behavior. Honestly, if he is making NO effort to demonstrate to you that he wants to be in a healthy relationship w/ you, I think it's better to cut your losses, sooner than later. Just my two cents. Take care of yourself.
gottaluvpink Posted January 10, 2009 Author Posted January 10, 2009 You think? cause I didnt say anything, not knowing if I was out of line with my assumtions. He would never admit it until I came down on him and told him that I knew and how I knew. He would then admit to half of it, lie about the other half and say that is the only thing he has done. I think the worst thing is that I dont know if he has or hasnt been faithful to me, and thats what kills me, because unless I have proof that I know, he will never admit it. This wouldnt all be so bad but he is just ugly to me when I am out with my friends (girl friends) or even with my sister. He hung up on me last weekend because he wanted me home and i was taking my sister to her friends accross town. I know its going to be hard, and the sad part is that I am so scared of being alone, I will be sleeping alone for the first time in 4 yrs and I dont think I can handle being by myself.
alli Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 It won't feel good at first but you really will be able to handle it. Just takes time but in the end you will be better off. Don't let him make you feel like your reasons for dumping him are ungrounded. You know he isn't honest & doesn't treat you right & that's enough on its own to break up with him.
gottaluvpink Posted January 10, 2009 Author Posted January 10, 2009 Hi there, welcome to ENA. May I ask why you stayed with him for two more years after you learned of his indiscretion? (Was he, at least, supportive after you miscarried?) Were you two trying to work things out? If so, I'm sorry to say that it does not sound like he put any effort into getting the relationship back on the right track. As a matter of fact, it sounds like he just up the ante on the bad behavior. Honestly, if he is making NO effort to demonstrate to you that he wants to be in a healthy relationship w/ you, I think it's better to cut your losses, sooner than later. Hi, and thank you! I guess I stayed with the hope that just maybe we would work through all of our problems. I thought maybe he would see what he was doing was hurting me and start being a man. He is not an emotional person, so when I was in the ER and the nurse told us that there was nothing that can be done to keep me from losing it, I broke down and I cried on his shoulder and he had no emotion on his face what so ever. then afterwards I passed it, I didnt think I would recover from the emotional trauma of all of this and I dont remember him ever saying anything comforting except that if I wanted we could actually try again when my body has had time (but then when I told him I was ovulating, we had sex he pulled out so, who knows what he thought there) I dont see it, because we got into an argument over him lying about something and I told him that unless he was going to be honest and work on our relationship I was out. Now, in my mind Regardless as to what plans I had the next day with my friends, if I had done something to hurt him and I wanted to make it better, I would have cancelled my plans, told my friends that my relationship needed some work and that I would catch up another day. But is that what he did? NO, he was carrying out with his plans the next day.
dumbblonde88 Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 I'd like to throw this out here. It sounds like you have a pretty good feeling about what is going on. Woman's intuition is one of the strongest metaphysical forces i believe in and honey it seems like you already know what you need to do. I was in the same kind of stale situation where all trust was gone. Mine wasn't cheating but he was looking up porn on my computer and lying about it, he couldn't hold down a job, and he was blowing all my money on drugs (fun fact u find out later). I was so stuck because I felt like i didnt know what to do without him. I had been with him for over 3 years. The thing that finally made me wake up was meeting a gorgeous man who was totally into me and had his life completely together. (house, two vehicles, own business, etc) After that it made sense what my sister had been trying to tell me all along. I deserve better! and so do you! He moved out of our apartment and I am now living all on my own for the first time in my life! I have a job, I go to school, I finally have friends and can go where I want and do what I want, I have lost weight, and quite honestly even my friends and family notice the complete 180 turnaround in my life. Respect yourself to know that you deserve better. Trust yourself to know that there IS something going on and he is violating your trust. Leave him!
gottaluvpink Posted January 10, 2009 Author Posted January 10, 2009 It won't feel good at first but you really will be able to handle it. Just takes time but in the end you will be better off. Don't let him make you feel like your reasons for dumping him are ungrounded. You know he isn't honest & doesn't treat you right & that's enough on its own to break up with him. Thank you so much. I know this is a dumb question. but can you give me some advice on how I should go about this?
alli Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 How to break up with him, how to be ok after the breakup or both?
gottaluvpink Posted January 10, 2009 Author Posted January 10, 2009 You are so right! You know the one person I have been talking to about my situation is an onsite client at my office. He is so sweet and good looking and has his entire life together. He has been telling me to get my own place and start doing things for myself ever since we started having problems. I think my biggest problem is that I know he has done wrong but sometimes he can be so loving and sweet and when he is like that i just wanna cry for even thinking about leaving him. Is this normal?
gottaluvpink Posted January 10, 2009 Author Posted January 10, 2009 How to break up with him, how to be ok after the breakup or both? Probably both, if you dont mind me asking
alli Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 I'm assuming you guys don't live together right? Before you break up with him, you should try to get all of your stuff from his apartment (without him noticing anything strange) Then when you are ready, collect all of his stuff from your apartment, ask him to meet you for lunch somewhere in a public place, tell him you are ending things & give him all of his stuff. I would have a good idea of what exactly you are going to say, so you don't freeze up or something. Basically, tell him you feel there is too much dishonesty in the relationship & you can't trust him, and where there is no trust there is no relationship. You need to be on your own for a while, away from him. Here is his stuff. Tell him not to contact you. No contact is the best way to get over someone. Don't contact him or answer his attempts to contact you. The first week you will feel like crap. Let yourself cry, lounge around in pajamas & eat as much junk food as you want. But after that first week, you need to start moving on with your life, school, work etc. Find ways to fill that free time you used to spend with him. I started running more when I was in that situation. Hang out with your girlfriends. Write posts on here about what you're going through. It gets easier after a while, believe me. When I dumped my ex, I really really wanted out. And I felt very relieved when he was gone. But the first couple days were rough; I actually was surprised how down I felt. But the good thing about being the dumper is you are usually the one that gets over it faster.
gottaluvpink Posted January 10, 2009 Author Posted January 10, 2009 I'm assuming you guys don't live together right? Before you break up with him, you should try to get all of your stuff from his apartment (without him noticing anything strange) Then when you are ready, collect all of his stuff from your apartment, ask him to meet you for lunch somewhere in a public place, tell him you are ending things & give him all of his stuff. We do live together, in a house that we have been paying for for 3 1/2 years and will be paid for in 2 yrs (it was his parents and we took over the note) so i dont know how all of that will work
alli Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 That makes things more complicated. Are both of your names on the title? Or just his? You should probably start by looking for apartments. Can you afford one on your own? If not you'll need to get roommates. Or move in with a relative for a while. The break up will be a little harder since it'll take a while to move all of your stuff out. Do you think he would become violent to you if you try to leave him?
gottaluvpink Posted January 10, 2009 Author Posted January 10, 2009 That makes things more complicated. Are both of your names on the title? Or just his? You should probably start by looking for apartments. Can you afford one on your own? If not you'll need to get roommates. Or move in with a relative for a while. The break up will be a little harder since it'll take a while to move all of your stuff out. Do you think he would become violent to you if you try to leave him? neither one of our names are on the title to the house, its under his parents names. I have already looked at an apartment that I love and I can afford ( I make decent money...more than him, I dont think he will be able to keep up the note on the house if/when I leave) I dont care about anything except my good dishes/pans (which are coming with me no mater what) my clothes, personal belongings and bathroom supplies. The sad thing is that we have a pet snake that we have had ever since we have been together and I am the one that takes care of him and I think that will be a fight trying to take custody of that. But i KNOW he wont take care of him. as you can see i have thought about this a while. I just have to actually break down and do it.
alli Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 It might be best if you get everything arranged before telling him.. rent the apartment & get a couple friends to help you move all your stuff out when he is at work, or sometime when he is supposed to be gone a couple days, if you think he would try to stop you from moving out.
gottaluvpink Posted January 10, 2009 Author Posted January 10, 2009 Your right! I think that is the best idea. I will keep you posted on this on here. Thank you so much for your advice, I needed to talk to an outside party that doesnt see what I go through everyday, just the facts, you know?
alli Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 It's no problem, & I know exactly what you mean about getting some outside opinions. When you are in the middle of it things can get so clouded. Just writing it down helps you see the reality of the situation, then other people verifying what you are already thinking helps. Good luck to you. Breaking up with someone I think is one of the most difficult things to do. You can always come back & post another thread just to get your feelings out.
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