Need Some Advice, almost got her back...

[WhatSetsUs]

Hey All,

I’ve been coming to this forum quite often over the past month, reading other people’s posts and really taking the advice given to others and applying it to my own breakup. I think I have entered a new phase in my breakup and now I need some direct advice. I’m going to try to explain my entire situation and it’s going to be long but please bear with me haha.

 

One month and one day ago, my ex girlfriend broke up with me. We had been dating for nearly a year and two months. We come from the same hometown and we’ve been going to the same schools since the 7th grade. We became really close our senior year of high school and we ended up going to the same university, actually living on the same floor our freshmen year of college. I decided to ask her out at the very beginning of our first year and because we lived right down the hall from each other, we spent literally everyday together. For a total of about 2 years (starting our senior year), we had spent almost everyday together and shared so many great times.

 

Well she broke up with me. She explained to me that she was fed up with how I disrespected her and how I mistreated her throughout the relationship. I can admit now that I was indeed responsible for the split. I spent a great deal of our relationship making fun of her friends and her parents, and even her. I would say very mean things about her friends and I would never attempt to try to get to know them, even though it was something my ex really wanted me to do. I would joke about how dumb and silly her parents seemed to me and that hurt her again. Even worse, I would make fun of her. I would joke about her eating habits and the way she looked. I would jokingly call her fat whenever she ate and I would nudge her to make her workout at the gym. Even beyond this stuff, I generally took her for granted, she treated me like a king and I rarely treated her the same way. I realized after the breakup that I said many of those mean things to deal with my own insecurities and my own obsession with how people would judge me being with her.

 

Immediately after the breakup I did what most people on here warn not to do, I begged to talk to her and I put a lot of pressure on her to make her sit down with me and talk. I was desperate to try to find out what had happened. Eventually I got her talk with me and I wrote out this really long letter explaining what I did to her, why I did it, and how truly sorry I was for doing so. I read it to her and she seemed to understand. A few days later we had another serious talk on the phone in which I further explained myself. It really made her upset so the next morning I sent her another really long email again explaining myself and expressing my deepest apologies. Around that time I discovered this forum and after reading many different threads, I decided that the best thing to do was to enter No Contact.

 

No Contact was literally the hardest thing I have ever done. Immediately after she broke up with me I fell into a deep depression that only got worse when I went no contact. Though I was at my lowest point emotionally, I was able to look at the relationship and really understand the awful things I did and I was truly able to grow and mature. I worked on myself, correcting the issues within myself that led to us breaking up. I decided however that I was going to work on myself in hopes of getting my ex back.

 

No Contact lasted only for ten days. On Christmas day, I sent her a “Merry Christmas” text message and she sent one back. I decided that the next day I would break no contact and try to talk to her again. I texted her and we had a short conversation. Later that night I made the big mistake of drunk texting her. The next day I sent her another text apologizing for texting her the night before. She said no harm was done and we even began talking about other things. Conversation with her was so nice, but I decided that I would let her initiate all conversation from then on.

 

Surprisingly, over the next couple of days she did initiate conversation. Things were going great, eventually we both admitted that we missed each other and that we both wanted to hang out. So the day before New Year’s Eve we did. She came over, we had dinner, and then we watched a movie. Things went great; the atmosphere was nice, fun, and exciting. It was even a little flirty haha.

 

Well we continued to talk and we both agreed that it was a great seeing each other. So on New Year’s Day, I got some confidence and asked her on an “official” date. Unfortunately she came out and said that she didn’t feel comfortable going on any real dates yet, just something as friends/trying to regain each others trust. I was bummed but later she admitted to me that she still liked me, that she still had feelings for me but she just wasn’t ready to “date” yet. She didn’t know if I had truly changed yet and didn’t think enough time had passed for me to truly learn what I had really done to her. We decided that we both wanted to take it slow and really get to know each other again. I really wanted her to get to know the “new me.” Well a day later I took her to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, a place we went to often when we were together. Dinner was great, we stayed there for hours, talking, laughing, and just having a great time. We even flirted and she admitted that she had a crush on me.

 

Everyday things got more flirtatious and more like the way things used to be. This past Monday, we hung out again, another dinner and a movie night in at my house. Things were even better than the dinner date. We were touching and playing with one another, exchanging silly jokes and laughing, and flirting heavily the whole time. After the movie ended, I made a big mistake. I went in and kissed her. I just lost control of my physical desires. She kissed me back for a while and then she began to cry. I asked her why she was crying and she said she just was confused about us and that she didn’t know what she really wanted. Eventually things settled and I apologized and we hugged as she was getting ready to go. However, we began to make out, this time more intense and more sexual in nature. It got really hot, really fast. However this time she cried harder. She explained that she felt like she wasn’t ready and that didn’t want to lead me on while she was trying to figure out what she wanted. She said that although her heart wanted to give me a chance, her mind was telling her no. We talked for a while longer and then she left.

 

The next day I was depressed again. I decided again to use no contact however, that night she texted me again. She said she was sorry and said that she thought she was ready but really wasn’t, and that she didn’t want to lead me on and hurt me. I asked her to call me that night and she did. She explained to me that she wasn’t upset about the kiss, that she actually liked the kiss, but it made her realize that she wasn’t ready to hangout like we were. She wasn’t sure that I had completely changed and she didn’t know if that I could completely change everything because she thought that it might just be part of my personality (for example the fact that I didn’t like her friends). Though she had begun to forgive me, she still couldn’t forget all the terrible things I had done, and she still thought about them often. She pretty much made it clear that right now we just had to slow things down. I felt defeated and it felt like all the great progress I had just made in getting her back was now gone.

 

Yesterday, she texted me and told me that she was happy that we had talked on the phone that night. She said it made her feel good knowing that I wasn’t upset and I made her feel like I understood where she was coming from. We agreed that we didn’t want this kiss situation to hold us back from moving forward. Well later that night, me, her, and a few of our friends went to visit one of our high school teachers. We hung out there for about an hour, and afterwards, I asked her what her plans were for the night. Though she had plans later that night, she invited me out to dinner with her. Dinner was much different than the last three times we hung out. It felt completely like a friend date: no flirting, we joked like buddies, and overall it just felt like we were simply friends. She even said that she was happy that we were staying friends. Though we stayed at the restaurant for a while, the conversation was just as friends, whereas the other times you could definitely tell we were courting each other. It really felt like “just friends.”

 

This is where I am currently at, and why I’m so torn up. I want to get back together with her more than anything. And for a little over a week, it felt like that was going to happen. But after that kiss, she realized she wasn’t ready to move forward in that direction. Last night I felt terrible, I felt like she completely forgot about how close we had gotten just a few days prior. Like she forgot she came out and told me she still had feelings for me and had a crush on me. It feels like now she just wants to be my friend, and I dont really want that.

 

I need advice. Should I be feeling so terrible? Have I really lost my chances of getting back together with her? Am I going to be stuck in the friendzone? Am I overreacting too quickly? I have a tendency to be very critical and impatient when it comes to this situation. I’m just afraid that I ruined all the progress I made. I was headed in the direction of getting her back. And now I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking about going to limited contact where I let her initiate conversation. Above all I want to get her back. I still believe that she has feelings for me, but that things were going a little too fast and now she is just pulling it back.

 

I know this is really really long but all and any advice or thoughts or opinions would be helpful. This forum has already been a great help and I hope that you guys can continue to help me.

 

Thanks.

[lovethyself]

Wow, it sounds like you were doing sooooo good and everything right(making her laugh,talking,flirting) but you were moving too fast. I've been there and i know you get caught up in the moment but you have to be the bigger person and not make it too physical. She would have respected you more for that. No worries, you should pull back a little bit and i know it's "friend zone" right now but it probably for the best. You're lucky she even still wants to hang out and see you. Whenever i ask my ask to do something she asks " what's the reason you wanna go do something?", like she thinks i have a motive instead of just trying to hang out. Pull back and give her space to think about things, only then will she begin to think clearly and it also gives you time to actually change. Her own words were that she wasn't sure if you completely changed. I don't know your full story but if this is only your first break up you have a GREAT chance of getting her back. Sadly I think my ex is finally done with me, we broke up with each other about 4 times in 4 years. Keep your head up

[dreamguy]

If you don't want to be stuck in the "friendzone" then, as you say, you need to limit contact and totally refrain from talking about feelings and/or getting back at this point. Such an idea has to originate from her because she broke up with you.

 

Stop sending her emails and text messages to explain yourself. You need to look and act confident(even if you have to fake it at first) around her. Make your conversations fun and make her feel YOU are relaxed and you are fine with her not being your gf.

[WhatSetsUs]

lovethyself, this is my first major breakup with her. she did break up with me about a month before that but i begged and pleaded with her and two days later we were back together (shouldnt have begged haha). but yeah ive made the decision to let her initiate everything from here on out. it kills me but i dont want to pressure her, just gonna give her time and space again.

 

and dreamguy, i'm leaving the ball in her court. just trying to make myself better for now. it was her that came out and said she still had feelings for me, but as i said, i rushed things way too fast and scared her. im gonna back off for a while now though.

 

thanks guys.