How Do I Let Go -- It's Been Over a Year!!

[misiek001]

I remember coming accross this site a few months after my breakup with my girlfriend of 3 years. At that time I came accross the No Contact Rule and I have to say that it did work and all the articles that I read were a real pick-me-upper.

 

However, now after over a year since the breakup I still have thoughts of my ex and how it could have been.

 

We broke up in December 2002 and our last contact was in June 2003. Since that time I have found out from mutual friends that she has 1) married the guy she was 'seeing' when we broke up, 2) and is having his baby very soon (matter of days). Simple math tells me that she must have already been pregnant when we last met each other in June 2003. Even though I am convinced that this marriage was a 'shotgun wedding' --they were engaged in July and married in August -- I still have these stupid feelings of 'what if?'

 

Why do I still have these stupid emotions and thoughts about her, when I know beyond a reasonable doubt that it will never be? Has the reality of her situation (married with a child) still not hit me?

 

The only reasoning behind my uncertainty is that this person I am hearing about -- this girl that I spent 3 years of my life with, that I truly loved, with whom I seriously discussed marriage and starting a family with, who seemed so compatible with me -- would never marry someone she knew for a few months and have a child with that person so soon.

 

Do people change so much?

 

Any thoughts on this would greatly be appreciated. I know this forum is full of great people and your words and support -- as I've already found out in the past -- really help and lift spirits. Thanks!

[liberated]

First and foremost, let me say that I am so sorry for your pain. I can only imagine what you must be going through at this time given all the circumstances. All i can say, as simple as it's going to sound, is that YOU WILL GET TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS. take the time that you need to heal, to take personal inventory of your feelings, to figure out the role that YOU might have played in your break up and the lessons that can be learned from your experience. Keep yourself active...this is no time to slack off on your physical well-being. Go to the gym, run, walk, talk with friends, talk to a therapist, cry, find a hobby, eat well and then cry some more. But don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself. I undersatnd the tendency to want to think about what "might have been" but it is a waste of your PRECIOUS energy. it will remain a mystery to the end of time why people do and say the things that we as humans do. Why someone that you love and who you believe loves you suddenly decides that they no longer want to be with you. You may never know the truth, and perhaps on some level you may not want to know. The reality of your situation is that she chose to move on and have another man's child...period. The other reality is that you also have the power of CHOICE, and you can choose to move on and finf the person that you were TRULY meant to be with. She is out there, and she's waiting for you to heal. You must TRUST and believe that you will recover or you will have the deepest of regrets later. Pain is a terrible thing...but it will make you stronger in the end.

 

 

I wish you luck and GREAT love in the future. Have faith!

[raggamuffin]

Our situation is very very similar infact its scary. My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me in September 2002. We have always remaind friends. And now he is seeing another girl I am no longer in love with him but I cant seem to get him out of my head. I didnt think it would matter to me but it has hit me like a tonn of bricks. I suppose the most difficult part is how does my role as a friend change? Because he is becoming a person I can hardly recognise as someone I spent 3 years of my life with. Yours is different but I do think people can change like that, its sad.

 

Some words of wisdom that I once read in a sort of hippy femminist self help book - if you think you have met a person and they are supposed to be a part of your life and they leave it, if they are supposed to be a part of your life at the right time they will be. I suppose many times this concept has helped me, even though I dont believe in fate or anything like that. I also think WHAT IF WHAT IF but the relality is that what if cant happen now. People change dramatically for many different reasons maybe this girl is doing it on the rebound and one day she will come to her senses about this guy although now that she is due to have a baby at any mintue this is made dramatically harder to do.

 

You still have those stupid emotions and thoughts because you cared so so so so SO much about her you undoubtly loved her. And for some stupid reason love doesnt conquer all especially when the person you still have feelings for is with someone else. I suppose its in human nature to see the best like there is always a chance that she might come back.

 

I think that my relpy was useless but these are just my thoughts. I too am very confused right now so maybe everything i have written is senseless. I hope there was something in it that helped you. R.

[DestructoBoy]

What a flashback! I encountered the same miserable slap in the face from life 5.5 years ago. I found out a month after we broke up that she was prego. I have my theories, but I don't care anymore.

 

It took me a long time to recover, forgive, and forget. But you have to know it won't last forever. I've only had three gals in my life that I actually call 'girlfriends'. Two of them got married and had kids with the guy right after me. The third, and most recent, is still very fresh. I give the latest girl 4-6 more months before she's pregnant, engaged, or both.

I wonder what that says for me? I guess I'm not the marrying type.

 

You asked the same question I did then and now. How can someone you've known and loved for so long change so quickly? I still don't know myself. You split and a week later Jekyll and Hyde all over you.

 

I try to look at it another way. You will change immensely too! It may take longer but you'll never be the same guy again. You're so much wiser and mentally able to cope with new let downs in life. Accept change and you will be very happy. This will also help with your next relationship.

 

Try not to consume your minds with regrets either. If they did rush into this thing it will be very hard to hold together.

 

You've already come a long way. I think you'll be OK after this little hump. (and I'm not trying to say the pain isn't intense) You will get past this and be able to move on completely. Sometimes it's better to know it's FINAL.

 

Sorry if I didn't help. At least I can relate buddy! You're going to be fine!

[misiek001]

Just knowing people have gone through the same thing and are okay or on their way to being okay with the situation is a great help. Thanks everyone!! Once again the effectiveness of this site and its great members proves itself.

 

I know a part of my heart will always be there for this person, but when I think logically about the situation I know that there is no way I can ever be with this person again. There are too many things in her life that are now not a part of 'us' and too many things have changed. For me the deciding factor, and the one that I use to rationalize us never being able to be together again, is that she broke my trust. In one way or another she did things that should not be done to someone you love -- or at least I thought we had a concensus that they should not be done.

 

But like I said before and like some of you have also wrote, the feelings, for one reason or another, are still there. I guess emotions and feelings are sometimes stronger than rationale. The only thing that worries me is that I continually compare any new girl that I am with to my ex -- even though I know in hindsight that my ex had many flaws. And I know this is unfair to do to the new person.... is this something you have come accross also??

[liberated]

Yes, I have compared new people to an ex. You know what, it's inevitable. It's going to happen. Maybe you should hold off on dating new people until you're ready. You want to be fair to the new person and to yourself.

[bzborow1]

You're short-changing yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Everything in your post is about HER. HER feelings. HER life. HER future. And that leads me to a couple of things. Firstly, it appears you don't seem to believe you can find someone any better (you wrote, "although i knew it wouldn't last"). Confidence! You need to move on, stop thinking, "what is she feeling? why did i screw up? what's going on?".........and start thinking, "was she ever really at my level".