ld25 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Hi everyone, I've been thinking of breaking up with this guy i have known for more than 5 years. Our relationship was very rocky at first especially bcos he was a loner but over the years i thought things had improved. However, its 5 years now and he still thinks he doesnt need anyone...He's very unattached and not emotional. Even when i try to talk over issues with him he doesnt seem to care enough. He says i have to be emotionally independent which i am mostly but when it concerns our relationship i tend to talk to him if anything bothers me but it ruins everything. I feel like even if i walk away from this relationship he wouldnt worry much or miss me that much....and i feel this would be the same state i will be even if i spend 50 years with him and that scares me.... I try to understand him that he's afraid to get close to anyone. I've given him 5 years and we already are getting ready to be married next year but somehow i feel things arent working that well. He chooses to go on his path and expects me to go on in mine and we are two different personalities but i love him very much. He can be the best father to my children and very loyal to me but i dont get any emotional response. I feel like living with a rock....Could u please advice me whether i should seriously consider breaking up or put up with it.....will he ever change?? Anyone with similar experience?? Please share ur opinions.... Link to comment
braddd Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Some men can become emotionally detached for a lot of reasons - and some are like that and can't help it. I know I can be the same way and it drives me wife crazy sometimes. Men are different machines from women. Women think with emotion. Men don't. I can't say what you should or should not do - just offer the fact that this is how a lot of men can be and he may see nothing wrong with you, his relationship with you or how things are going. Link to comment
ld25 Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 Hi braddd, Thanks for your reply. I've been reading ur post meanwhile. Sounds like u r struggling too... He's almost like u...he works hard, eats healthy food and takes care of his things well and he's very organized too....I am good at taking care of the house and i cook for us all the time and he does the shopping mostly. But life isnt just about having ur regular things organized isnt it...When i try to discuss something financially important for both of us...he tells me to do what i want and would not get involved at all. He doesnt let me suggest or offer advice on what he does. But we are already together and we will be married in a years time and i cannot carry on in my own path just like i am single. For instance, i am passionate abt travelling and when i ask for even a day trip with him he says i should go on my own everywhere...he doesnt like travelling...not even one day trip...But however, i go along with him on things that interests him and i feel i am giving more in this relationship and i dont get anything at all in return... it is very frustrating for me although its a quite stable relationship in other terms... Link to comment
braddd Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Yep... I certainly see your point of view. It may be a bit more in depth than I can offer advice for in this case. I wish you the best. I don't think you should get nothing in return for all of your effort and "putting up with" of things... it's not right. Link to comment
DropToZero Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Yeah, he's got a cold heart...having emotional independence and just learning how to control your emotions are two completely different things. He sounds like me when I was going through a type of depression(at least I think)... I was completely devoid of emotion... my girlfriend could barely take it, I functioned normally...but I didn't care about anything, I was completely independent and felt I didn't need anyone in my life. I'm glad I got over it though... until he realizes how much of a problem it is, he won't change... it's quite an empowering way of thinking, you don't stress or worry, or anything... but it's also quite dangerous. I'm not sure there's much you can do for him, in 5 years, if he still thinks he doesn't need to change or try... and he has control over it, even if he thinks he doesn't... I am still slowly recovering from it, but if it wasn't for my girlfriend staying by my side and helping me, I don't know what I'd be doing right now... I'd be alone and uphappy, even if I would never admit it, even to myself. Link to comment
ld25 Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 The worst of all this is he doesnt even believe me when i tell him i want to break up with him...he thinks i am joking and he laughs and that drives me crazy...He sees nothing wrong in the relationship....and says i argue about silly things...but life is about enjoying things together and doing things for other person even if u dont like to do it otherwise... In the five years we have never left our city together to go anywhere...not even a picnic....but i have travelled atleast 5 countries on my own...bcos i wanted to and he wouldnt join me...i had to go alone... The only thing he enjoys doing is watching tele, movies, gymn and cooking. Not even a walk in the park together... sorry i am venting out...as i have bottled up for years.. Link to comment
braddd Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Keep venting away... as you talk more about it, I am seeing a lot of things come up that are important. You had to go to 5 countries on your OWN? That's not good. Link to comment
ld25 Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 Thanks DropToZero, I understand what you say. He doesnt realize the problem at all...he seems to think thats the way everyone should be and i should be emotionally independent. I often think of him as a rock... I sometimes wonder if he would cry when i die and i doubt he will. I am sure he will be upset...atleast i hope he will be....but his life would go on....i dont mean to say its completely wrong....but what is life with no emotions?? especially if its with the person u love the most... He says he'll be different after marriage...but how will he learn to grow emotions overnight?? When i mean emotions he doesnt even understand what i am going through if i am in severe physical pain for eg. neck..he says i should deal with it...never sympathizes or says a word of comfort... Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 I never think it's a good idea to stay with someone hoping that they'll change. You need to make the decision to be with him based on who he is now. You can try to explain to him what you explained to us, that you feel that he can take or leave you and it wouldn't matter and you're not sure if you can life like that for the rest of your life. See how he reacts. But it sounds like he's really only willing to put effort into his own life at the moment. It could be a depression thing or an immaturity thing, but you have to decide for yourself if it's something that you can deal with for the rest of your life. It's completely understandable if you want more from a relationship. I would. Link to comment
ld25 Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 thanks daligal83, for instance even when things go wrong in his life...he wouldnt share it with me...he would just keep to himself and i am expected to carry on normal ignoring that he's not like himself...if i ask him questions...i get told off to mind my own business... He's not too young to be immature...he's 33 and he doesnt seem to be depressed which i thought he was when i met him... i feel he's afraid to get too close...and i dont see a point as i committed to marry him..I am also worried that me breaking up with him will only worsen his fears (if he had one..)...but for now he thinks i love him too much and wont break up with him...but he doesnt understand what im going thro'.. How can you make him see whats wrong....he sees nothing wrong at all...but i know for sure...i am putting up with him...If i tell him this...he says lets break up then...and doesnt feel its going to end...and asks me if i want a biscuit... Link to comment
savignon Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 I don't know that I'd marry someone with my eyes open to the issues that you're talking about. If I thought my partner would send me off on my own adventures as a general practice, leave decision making up to me, wouldn't care if I left or stayed, thought I was joking when talking about serious things, thought he wouldn't cry if I died.....yikes!!! What security and safety and love is felt in this situation?? You say you had a rocky start and it's rocky now and you refer to him as "this guy I've known for 5 years" and describe him as unemotional and detached. What's in this for you??? Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Being emotionally independent is not at all the same thing as being emotionally unavailable - which is what your partner sounds like. It is difficult to see what you're getting from this relationship, other than an efficient 'colleague' - actually, I'm not even sure that's right, as I've had strong emotional bonds with people where it was a purely work-based relationship. It sounds as though you are actually emotionally independent - you don't hang around waiting for his say-so, you don't sit around sighing 'If it weren't for him ...' as an excuse not to do things and you take responsibility for yourself. Only you can decide if you want to live your life with or without the constraints of an unrewarding relationship, but I think that after 5 years like this, he's very unlikely to change. Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 He sounds kind of mean hun....he's completely dismissing you and putting you down for your feelings. That's not a healthy relationship. You can't MAKE him see what's wrong. I'd suggest couples counseling, but I doubt he'd go for that. I think you need to think about exactly what he is like now and decide if that's something that will make you happy for the rest of your life. Because I seriously doubt he's going to change at this point. And if you decide to leave, don't feel any guilt! It is not your responsibility to make sure this fear (if he even has it) doesn't come true. He's the one keeping you at a distance and you can't be expected to deal with that forever. What's the point in getting married if there's no closeness? Link to comment
braddd Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Being emotionally independent is not at all the same thing as being emotionally unavailable - which is what your partner sounds like. It is difficult to see what you're getting from this relationship, other than an efficient 'colleague' - actually, I'm not even sure that's right, as I've had strong emotional bonds with people where it was a purely work-based relationship. It sounds as though you are actually emotionally independent - you don't hang around waiting for his say-so, you don't sit around sighing 'If it weren't for him ...' as an excuse not to do things and you take responsibility for yourself. Only you can decide if you want to live your life with or without the constraints of an unrewarding relationship, but I think that after 5 years like this, he's very unlikely to change. Great post. Link to comment
ld25 Posted January 10, 2009 Author Share Posted January 10, 2009 Hi savignon and nutbrownhare, i agree completely with u both....i feel i dont have anything in this relationship except he being married to me for long...i bond well with people everywhere and sometimes i feel i can tell things to others and they would be sympathetic and understanding whereas he would be...."what do u want me do?? Its your life...you've to decide".. Frankly i had enough...but i am just clinging onto the hope that he will one day change....which he has reassured me he will never change and i have accepted him as he was 5 years ago and he mentioned at that time he'll not be emotional... So, its all my fault that i had hoped and expected that 5 years of my hard work in this relationship will make him confident enough to be emotional... I find it very hard to accept that this relationship has not been functional from the start and i had invested 5 years into it. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 No need to feel badly about it - you WILL have gained something from it, just not enough to warrant wasting any more time ...! I was in a relationship for eight years with someone who was emotionally distant; I got all my emotionally intimacy from other sources - which can make it more difficult to realise how little you're getting from your partner - but we had masses in common in terms of mutual interests and did lots of stuff together. It doesn't sound as though you're even getting that, though. Good luck with all this - whatever you decide! Link to comment
ld25 Posted January 10, 2009 Author Share Posted January 10, 2009 thanks daligal83, he seems to think closeness etc., are portrayed well only in books and movies....in real life people lie that the other person mean so much to them and then leave....he says he's not a man of words... Recently when my brother was battling for his life at hospital, i called him to speak to him as a shoulder to cry..and for some words of support and he said "What am i supposed to do...Don't cry" thats all...and then for two days he didnt show up or even make a single call to even ask if i was ok...infact i didnt eat for three days...He showed up on the third day and insisted i ate something...and expected that i should immediately listen to him... sorry everyone ...lots of things flashing in my mind..im trying to pour out my heart... Link to comment
alli Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 thanks daligal83, he seems to think closeness etc., are portrayed well only in books and movies....in real life people lie that the other person mean so much to them and then leave....he says he's not a man of words... Recently when my brother was battling for his life at hospital, i called him to speak to him as a shoulder to cry..and for some words of support and he said "What am i supposed to do...Don't cry" thats all...and then for two days he didnt show up or even make a single call to even ask if i was ok...infact i didnt eat for three days...He showed up on the third day and insisted i ate something...and expected that i should immediately listen to him... sorry everyone ...lots of things flashing in my mind..im trying to pour out my heart... Wow. At first I was going to say that maybe he isn't mean but is just indifferent (which still isn't a good thing) but that right there would not work for me. I need my partner to feel for me, to feel sad because I am sad and vice versa. Why have you stayed with him so long? Don't feel like you have to stay with him & marry him just because you've been together so long & getting married has been the plan for so long. The only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for 5 years is being in a relationship for 5 years and 1 day. At least that's what Dr Phil says. Link to comment
ld25 Posted January 10, 2009 Author Share Posted January 10, 2009 thanks alli, coincidentally today is the completion of 5th year and start of 6th year..of our relationship... i already wasted 4 years in another strong relationship where my ex left me without any closure and another 5 years in this...and i feel like my whole adulthood has been a waste of time in these unproductive relationships... i dont believe i could get into another relationship soon and expect it to be perfect....may be things could be fixed in this current one??? thats the hope i am clinging onto....as no relationship is perfect...however..i wish i had more respect and support... Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Oh wow..this guy is plain and simple a cold fish who has not compassion and empathy. What you see is what you will get even in marriage. He won't change because he sees absolutely nothing wrong with his behaviour. Basically it sounds like he simply wants the image of having a partner for all the world to see and the sex but doesn't want the emotional attachment and the responsibilities. He shuts you out of his life and shuts you down when you need him in your life. If you are going on vacations alone and dealing with family crises alone, you may as well just be alone and not have this guy around who is basically your partner in name only. A healthy relationship is about doing things together, enjoying each other's company, confiding in each other and supporting each other through the tough times. It doesn't sound like he fulfills any of those requirements. I think you are right in considering breaking this off now. Link to comment
DropToZero Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 No, I never thought I really had a problem either... I thought we argued over meaningless things, and she was just really emotional. I would never cry, and if she was crying, I wouldn't even feel the need to comfort her. I didn't care to be seen with her, didn't really talk about her with any of my friends, and she'd rarely ever cross my mind... I'd usually just try to get out of hanging with her if I could most of the time too. If anyone died(not just her)... I wouldn't have even shed a tear... Life with no emotions, is horrible... just don't become like him or I... please please please. I'm completely serious when I'd say, I felt so messed up when my girlfriend broke up with me once, and I didn't even care, and she would be upset beyond belief. I was jealous because I had no idea why I didn't care... and I didn't know how to feel. Marriage won't change him, he has to change him. It's kind of weird too, because he won't realize this, and I know he'll say something along the lines of "It's not a choice, I just don't feel -or- I like being this way, you should too"... but it is... and he has been afraid, even though he doesn't feel afraid. He became cold, as I did, and blocked out the world and its emotions, and doesn't care about anyone other than himself... if he even really cares about himself. There's a difference between compassion, and pity also. Pitying(spelling?) you because you hurt yourself is not what is needed, some compassion for being a little disabled is what is required from a relationship....some compassion to help and be there for you. I'm not sure if I can really help you though ld25... it's really up to him, and his choices. My choice to fix it, and truly fix it, started with God... but I don't know what you or him believe, so I'm not going to comment on it any further, and I'd be glad if no one else did on my situation either, focus on the OP. 5 years of it though... he could take a long time to heal up, if he even realizes it. Link to comment
ld25 Posted February 3, 2009 Author Share Posted February 3, 2009 Thanks DropToZero, its been such a wonderful advice and insight into the other side as I never could imagine such people existed...i mean those without emotions. I have been doing some thinking lately. I opened up to him on how i felt about our relationship and how i couldn't see it going anywhere given that we dont have anything in common or we dont do anything together anymore apart from occasional shopping for groceries, watching tele that's it. I was quite emotional and shed few tears when i was saying how i was feeling about our relationship. He sat there for few minutes listening to these and then rushed off without saying a word of support because he was late for gymn. I felt very hurt. I have started to demand that he say to me what he's afraid of and why he wouldnt let me closer only for it to start domestic violence. I have had enough bad in this relationship than it did any good to me and i am going to walk away now... I hope to be self-reliant but i am certain i will be here to seek support and share my emotions as usual. Please feel free to share ur opinions and give advice. I cannot go no contact as of now but hope to in the next couple of months. By then, it will wean and will be easier for me to get through... Link to comment
SighSob Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 haha ld25, I looked exactly like your boyfriend. I never shared it with my girlfriend when things were going wrong with my life... I took her for granted... I was emotionally detached... I would never do different things (like picnics, walk in the park...) with my girlfriend cause I thought they weren't needed... And whenever she tried to tell me she had a problem with this part of me I would laugh and I did really perceive it as if she was just kidding. You know what, one day she broke up with me out of the blue. That made me realize everything I was doing wrong and I was (and am, actually) willing to do everything to save our relationship cause I loved her...unfortunately - probably due to another guy being in the picture - I didn't get a second chance. But that's not the point, the point is that when she broke up with me I had this REALIZATION...I mean, I saw that all those sides of me were BAD and I needed to change them. It may look like a weird advice but, if you want to give a chance to your relationship, break up with your boyfriend. I bet he will have a realization just like me. Do it now before it is too late and you don't even will to give him a second chance at all... EDIT: Wow it's too late. I didn't see it was a 3 pages thread and I answered just by reading the first one. It looks like he didn't have the realization I was talking about. I'm sorry... Link to comment
loulee Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 i am currently in a realtionship with a man who shows similar traits to yours .perhaps i should say doesnt show.. he is passive aggressive to the extreme he is also in great denial over it. Although we majorly get along well and live well together he aslo emotionally abandons me when I need him, he is a little emotionallly deyached and has enormous trouble with words and expressing himself. There have been times where i have literally sobbed in the past and he could remain watching television like I didnt exist ..having said that due to his PA he does not recognise his behavour. He is conditiioned from a very controlling verbally abusive father when young to avoid confrontation at all costs..and avoids emotions as he is terrified of looking vulnerable.. Fear often rules PA personality types I have researched this behavour (for my own sanity) in great depth and as I speak Im organising an appointment to see a psychologist in order to understand HOW i can relate to him better, I antangonise him. he sees me as needy and making a fuss over things that arent important.(to him) He sees the world only through his views, iWe get along very well majorly but it has been extremely difficult for me at times to identify with him. he can seem so cruel and cold.I do not feel he respects my thoughts and opinions if they are not similar to his or the same. I feel that I am often putting in the ground work in communication, yet he does little or nothing to improve himself. We, unlike, you two, have loads in common which is a strong factor in us being together, we have lots of fun and we live togethwer and share house stuff quite well If we didnt have these common bonds Im sure by now we wouldnt be together, along with this he gets on extremely well with my children. I struggle to feel his number one priority, but underneath he is a vulnerable scared little boy. His fear of abandonment is so strong, he will often want to end our relationship in a moment of haste, just so he is not the one to NOT feel abandoned if this makes sense. There are ways to communicate effectively with a PA person. He is very passive and gentle but when I really push his buttons he can be very nasty with words as he feels justified in this type of retaliation and like all PA personalities he blames me for his behavour as I upset him to start with (his view of course)...he really has low self esteem but at the same time an extreme sense of high vanity...Not sure if I am making sense. he is a procrastinator often.., but he is very generous with money and other contributions to our relationship as he uses these instead of being emotionally more available..he really cannot help it. And he does recognise that his behavour is the result of his younger years HOWEVER he does not recognise how destructive his behavour can be. This is the problem. PA people actually believe their own irrational thought process as they have years of conditioning themselves to do so...This is why it gets so darn hard....If my partner wasnt so wonderful in so many ways I would of been out the door. I have made the choice to explore how I can accept him more the way he is and communicate more effectively with him, whilst still not allowing him to deny me my needs. Its not easy, and I fail and stuff up...that is why I am seeeking professional help now as we have just had a major crisis over the weekend. Now in his view this is ALL my fault but in honesty I can say I was faultless..now I am hurting and so upset following his delivery of nasty words that would not even enter my thought process...Bottom line is you have to weigh up if YOU feel like you can work on this together...IF your partner is a PA he will hate you ever complaining or sounding dissatisfied about anything..well we both know thats not the real world..You have to make your choice whether you want to work with his personality and reach a level of acceptance about him and learn how to communicate better or you dont...My partner tries at times to be more available emotionally because he wants to but is totally helpless at really knowing how..I used to suffer enormously..and still do at times...But I have changed my thinking..he does not like indifference and I force him to take responsibility for his actions. I dont be submissive ..but I know WHEN there is a right time to talk to him and when it isnt....As i know him best..ANyway just some food for thought.....Needs are something we cannot live without.. You need to determine what you can and cant accept and make your decision from there. im sure he loves you he just does it in his way that we are not commonly used to feeling.... Link to comment
ld25 Posted February 4, 2009 Author Share Posted February 4, 2009 Thanks Sighsob, I am glad there are other people like him and gives me a hope that someday he will change. No, ur post isnt too late as i have been thinking about the situation and i do want to break up with him not because i cannot just tolerate with this behaviour anymore but because i was hoping this will give him a chance to think about our relationship. May be he'll realise it once he knows i am leaving him and for the one person who he loves i hope he'll change or atleast improve slightly... Thanks Loulee, its been very helpful to know what you are going through and yes it is very related to mine. I feel the same and i strongly believe that sometimes i end up seeking help because i cannot cope with his behaviour. I know that he loves me and i know that for sure that i am the one person who he is closer to than anyone else in this world. But however, relationship has to be mutual and i feel there is no emotional interaction at all between us both. Yes, it does sound like he is PA although i never heard of this term before and didnt realise before. All the arguments between us he thinks is always my fault. But i know for fact that i am quite understanding and i get flared up when he lets me down but cope with it because he is very very stubborn and wouldnt change his mind for anything. Everytime he lets me down, we have an argument, and despite coping with it, i get the blame that its all my fault. In the end, i dont want to end up going counselling to fix a problem that is not mine but his...just because i am trying to keep this relationship going. He already thinks i need help whereas i think if he opens up a bit more and supports me emotionally during bereavements/losses etc., it will be a normal relationship. Thanks for your time in sharing ur issues which has helped me definitely. Link to comment
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