Got a card from ex 4 months post break up

[rapunzel]

I dated this man this past summer for 3.5 months and last summer for 3 months. I've known him for 2 years. He ended things both times.

 

Back story, some may remember...we work as musicians together so I see him roughly about once a week. Sometimes I get a break up to 3 weeks from not seeing him at all. Rarely I see him twice a week.

 

Second time around this past May he tells me he's very depressed and then fesses up that part of it was his ex had finally moved on and was dating someone else. He would not commit to her and they did the friends thing for 1.5 years approximately after breaking up and in early 2008 she told him she just wanted to be "friends" when I think before she wanted more and he did not. Anyway, I knowingly started up with him again despite his disclosure about his ex, thinking it was just his ego and a way of him keeping me at a distance again.

 

The other part of his depression was a mid life crisis, hating his work and feeling very isolated as he worked at home, and just having regrets about the way his life had turned out in general.

 

Here's what the card I received 12/29 said:

 

Dear R,

 

You gave me friendship and love, and treated me with great kindness, during terribly difficult times. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for this. It takes such strength and courage to be open to others, to give to others, especially when they are feeling weak and injured. You have a wonderful, beautiful spirit, R. I deeply respect and admire your capacity for compassion. I do hope that I can always call you my friend.

 

Love and best wishes,

XXX

 

BTW, he has always called me a "friend". This card came after he hugged me and kissed me on the cheek on 12/23/08 after a rehearsal.

 

I know my take on this but I'm just wondering how others might react to this. He hasn't talked to me about stuff since break up 4 months ago. I always act 'as if' when I'm around him, as if I'm fine, everything is A-ok and nothing happened. I rarely initiate but I'll say hi and occasionally engage in small talk if he asks me something.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Didn't he do this other times in the past doing some mushy stuff to get you hopeful and then running off again and showing interest in others. I wouldn't read too much into this. Just continue going on with your life. Just thank him for the nice and thoughtful card and leave it at that. Don't fall into the same trap of getting close to him again...he has a long pattern of this.

[rapunzel]

Thanks CAD - in April he sat me down for an hour long apology and outpouring of feelings about what had happened the first time around but I never got a handwritten card. This was a blank card, not a Christmas card which is what I thought it was when I saw it in my mailbox.

 

did thank him for the card when I saw him the next night at rehearsal. It was very brief and I kept it rather unemotional. He said "I'm glad you appreciated it" At our New Years Eve show he was a bit flirtatious but I didn't make much of it. I guess he hasn't met anyone else yet and is probably floored at my seeming indifference as I was pretty way into him when we were together.

 

Our male colleague thinks it may have been a gesture to see if I would respond...and to keep me in his loop for the possibility of s-e-x in the future.

 

I think it's just guilt alleviation and he did it for himSELF and not really for me. But of course, that is just conjecture and only he knows why he sent me this.

[davef]

The letter reads like a hallmark card, nothing particularly too personal or specific here. If he dumped you twice, why the hell are you still in contact with him. Where is your self-respect?

[rapunzel]

I am still in contact because I have to work with him.....I wasn't going to quit our working situation because of him.

[davef]

P.S. as we all know, or should know, by now, it is the girl who finally makes the final decision as to who her mate will be, it seems like your fooling and flirting with him as an excuse not to get on with your life. Truth be told, I don't think relationships can ever survive a breakup, especially not two breakups.

[rapunzel]

Thanks for your thoughts dave but I don't fool or flirt with him, I work with him and I maintain a cordial working relationship. It has been a challenge and not always an easy situation.

 

I have been dating a bit, just haven't found anyone to have a relationship with.

[davef]

just do me a favor, don't ever god back to him and NEVER have sex with him again.

[Ellie2006]

Hi there,

 

I also think it sound too much like a "hallmark card," if you will. Sending it was a nice gesture on his part but I dont think there is anything to read between the lines.

 

In my humble opinion, I think you should just accept his thanks and maybe his gesture towards friendship (since you two do work together) and leave it at that?

 

Just a thought.

[Batya33]

It sounds like he is thanking you for your friendship and using flowery words to do so (nothing wrong with flowery, just observing). I received a card like that once from a man who broke up with me and it was mostly to assuage his own guilt at breaking up with me - it did not reflect interest in me romantically. Even if I did not have that example I would strongly advise not to read into it anything other than appreciation for your friendship. If I were going to read into it I would interpret it as trying to make absolutely clear that there were no romantic feelings involved.

[rapunzel]

I agree he did it most likely out of guilt. What compelled him to do it now or even bother I don't know. I wonder if we did not have to work in this band together if he would have felt the need to do this. I have done nothing short of NC (meaning I do not contact him, naturally I have to interact with him when we work together) to make him feel guilty.

 

Or maybe he misses the ego boost of me wanting him and this was throwing me a bone.

 

As far as reading into it, I'm obviously not succeeding completely if I posted it here....but why would he feel the need to make it absolutely clear 4 months later that there were no romantic feelings involved?

 

I'm not saying he does or does not have feelings, but if I did not have some sort of feelings for someone I would not go to the length of sitting down and hand writing them a card 4 months later. Why would I bother?

 

He did tell me he didn't realize what he lost with his ex until after she was gone. I'm not saying this is the case but it is a possibility that he might be finding that the grass (again) isn't necessarily greener.

 

Anyway, I'm not entertaining any thoughts of anything with him so don't worry!

[Batya33]

It sounds like you're way overanalyzing this. who knows if he sat down and sent 10 cards to 10 women he hurt or was thinking of - the answer is, you don't know and to speculate and analyze just gives you an excuse to keep him on your emotional radar. Maybe he wrote it some months ago, didn't mail it, found it, then mailed it. Since nothing in the card says (and I mean says in actual words, not in "read between the lines") "I made a mistake and I want to be with you in an exclusive relationship" I would advise to use the card to take phone messages on or similar. I will continue to advise - as I always have - a very hard line of if he doesn't say clear, direct words of wanting to be in a relationship with you, anything else is completely irrelevant, especially flowery sentiments like this.

[rapunzel]

Thanks....

 

Onwards and upwards.