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Why shouldn't I end this marriage?


braddd

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Background: I am a 24 year old Canadian that moved to the US after meeting a wonderful and beautiful woman. We met when I was 21 and we have been married for 2 years after a year of dating. We went though immigration together and I am now a green card holder in the USA.

 

I am an extremely easy going person who doesn't like to argue. I problem solve. If there is an issue I find a solution. I was raised to never raise your voice and to never argue with people because there is always a simple solution to every problem and emotion doesn't need to be involved. Any other time in life this has worked. While we dated it worked.

 

Then we got married.

 

My wife and I get long sometimes. Most of the time she is arguing about something or stressing about something or trying to create problems.

 

She does not work. She goes to school and is in her last semester (in the mean time I have been solely responsible for supporting us for 3 years).

 

I think that tipped me lately is that she begged for a month off for winter break and to not work until June when school is over. I agreed, so long as she pulled her weight at home and I didn't come home to a slophouse. (She is no good at cleaning, being proactive about mess or cooking. I do it all)

 

I can't help but feel lately like she no longer cares and is somehow using me (with or without knowing it). I also have a thing for being in shape and eating well - I am a flexitarian (almost vegetarian) and only eat organic and non horomone food (absolutely no chemicals in my body). She has gained 70lbs in the last 3 years and refuses to take care of her body. She shaves once a month or less which causes major issues because physically she is no longer as attractive to me and that doesn't seem to bother her.

 

I am worried. I am bothered because we have a lot of debt together. I am worried because I do care for her, but i don't think I LOVE her anymore. Our problems have become too harsh for me to handle. I can't take much and yes I know marriage is work - but in 3 years I have done everything and I am only 24, I don't want to spend the next 24 years being miserable.

 

Am I being too harsh? Should I bolt now?

 

We have talked about these issues at length and she has promised to put more effort in on many occasions but has yet to do so. thereforee it is not as if she doesn't know I am bothered to death over this.

 

Please, any advice or help would be amazing. I feel like I have run out of people to talk to.

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If you've really talked this out with her numerous times and she has failed to carry out her end of the bargain - to TRY to mend the situation, I think you need to assess where you stand.

 

While marriage is a serious commitment, it can't be one-sided. If you have been trying and she hasn't, there is a problem. If these issues have been addressed and nothing happens, you need to realize that the situation - and the participants - have changed.

 

You can't help who she is - only she can. If she has failed to make an effort and you are no longer happy, and worse- if you feel you are being taken advantage of (Which in my opinion, you are, since she is getting a pretty sweet deal for the complete lack of effort on her part), you need to figure out what makes YOU happy, and what YOU want.

 

You say you have run out of people to talk to - what have other people offered as advice?? What do you think you should do, when you separate your feelings of obligation?

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You need to sit down and talk to your wife about what's bothering you. Be upfront with her about everything and tell her that you cant live like this and its bothering you. you say your wife doesn't work until her school finishes also tell her she needs to make an effort on her end as well meaning when you come home the house needs to be cleaned, trying to cook, doing the laundry and taking responsiblites in the house while your supporting her. i was in that kind of situation were i didnt want to do anything but if i wanted to save my marriage I had to start taking responsiblites and I did. tell your wife the amount of pressure and stress your under and its becoming a heavy load on you. if your wife is reluctant to do that, thats when a professional comes in to help you both out before calling it off way soon. hope this helps.

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Balbina,

I have a few people I trust for unbiased support/advice such as my boss (who is my best and most trusted friend) and my father, who of course wants to see me always come out ahead but he is someone who can look at a situation as an outsider in every case. He's given some amazing advice over the years.

Both of them have suggested I cut my losses and move on, given my absolute despair for the situation and how much I have done to help correct the issues.

 

I am not egotistical. In fact I am a very humble person. But I know for fact that most of the issues do not stem from any of my own problems or insecurities. That's the dynamic of marriage. But when it's as lopsided as it has been over the years I have begun resenting her when we have problems and I shut myself down.

 

If I didn't have such a strong sense of responsibility for everything I do in life, I would just not go home today. I'd disappear and start over in my home country. I have considered that many times.

 

However I can't do that to her. I respect her enough to not hurt her both emotionally and financially. So I have been paying our debt down as a start and as a way to help us out in that sense. money bothers us a lot and we feel restricted by it. I feel once I have some clarity there I can feel a little more empowered to act without the guilt.

 

Money aside - if we had no ties to each other in any sense and she was acting the way she has been for the last 2 years (especially) I would get out. I have made an effort to ensure she does not get pregnant (birth control, condoms etc) and we keep our responsibilities down.

 

I think the worst part of the entire situation is that I get blamed for things that are clearly not my fault. Example:

 

I ask her to keep the place clean. I don't mean vinegar the floor with a toothrush - I just mean keep up with laundry and dishes and ensure the litterbox doesn't overflow with cat poo.

I come home and the place is a mess and she is on her laptop on the bed after I have been at work for 10 hours and not a single piece of ANYTHING has been moved in the house meaning she has been there all day. I ask what she has done all day and she goes off on me and tries to pin "asking too much of her" on her. And then claims I nag and am controlling.

 

I look at that and see someone who is mentally unstable, and quite possibly insane.

This is a mild case. Things can get out of hand fast. Then she gives me silent treatment over it, and when I try to cool off by playing a video game or watching a movie she yells at me for ignoring her, after she storms out of the room and locks the bedroom door on me ( i guess she wants me to bang on the door and beg for forgiveness?)

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Bradd... it's seriously not fair to you. Especially if you're willing to compromise and bend a little and she just does not care. She isn't trying. She isn't making any effort whatsoever. Have you tried addressing this to her? Tried talking to her and making sure the conversation stays on track (not rising to the occasion when she gets on the defensive, or retorts with something completely off topic, etc)

 

I do think you need to talk to her, seriously. Tell her you're not happy. Tell her that if something doesn't change, you don't think it'll work. Because it won't. Give her that final chance, and if she doesn't own up...

 

You say you have a feeling of responsibility over everything in your life. Well, think of it this way. It is your responsibility to make sure you are happy in life. You have been doing everything YOU need to do to get there, but if you're with someone who has been drifting in the opposite direction in life, you have a responsibility to yourself and your happiness to address the facts.

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I kindly and respectfully disagree that all problems can be solved without anger. Things get built up inside to the point where we are not interested in bothering to work things out when if we had said something when it started, things might have been addressed. If I gained 70 lbs in 3 years, let my husband support me, wracked up debt and didn't do anything around the house, I hope to hell my husband would kick my ass (verbally that is, and without berrating me). Anger is healthy. Maybe she's thinking there's no problem when you don't react to anything. When we do everything to carry a relationship and demand absolutely nothing in return, we think we're being "nice"....so nice in fact that it baffles us why someone else would take such advantage. But that is exactly the recipe. There is no catalyst for change and then we are so frustrated and exhausted in the end that we just don't feel the same and aren't interested in fixing it.

Sorry this has happened to you. I would recommend therapy to get in touch with your anger and stop doing "everything" for someone else. Take care of yourself for a change!

Best wishes.

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savignon... that's been my biggest issue. I've been to counseling as a teen and young adult - because I do not get angry. I somehow skipped this emotion. My parents always found it a bit odd when things would come up in life and I would just smile and brush it off. In situations I go from upset to depressed. There's no anger. When something goes wrong I am the kind of person who can see a silver lining, light at the end of the tunnel etc. I am upbeat and can solve anything by being positive. I have a hard time being angry about anything... it has never been a positive emotion.

 

That's been an issue in past relationships. I don't doubt she has a problem with that, as it has been verbalized in the past. However I can't change that about myself, it's a quality I think separates me from the pack and I am proud of it.

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I have a hard time being angry about anything... it has never been a positive emotion ---this is not true. You are angry right now that you're being taken advantage of. You're hiding behind, "I'm just so tired of being such a nice, positive guy while she takes advantage" (I'm really on your side here by trying to point this out...not being sarcastic...wanted to point that out as I think sometimes these things can be misread)

However I can't change that about myself Well, that's kind of stubborn and if you won't deal with it, why should she deal with her issues? I think, rather than you "can't" change it, you "won't" change it, because it gives you the opportunity to say that you're such a silver-lining kind of guy while so and so is festering out of control. You haven't solved "all" your problems by being the nice guy.....you have tried over and over to be the nice guy and you've lost time, money, energy and maybe your marriage by not demanding more from your partner.

Again, I'm on your side and trying to offer a 'devil's advocate' position....you can go ahead and practice your anger by telling me to shove it

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hi braddd - i speak from ten years of marriage.... it can't work unless both people put effort into making things work. you may not experience anger but i do think that perhaps you are feeling frustration....

 

i am currently going through a divorce because my husband (at his own admittance) quit trying and betrayed me in an unforgiveable way.

 

we both regret the end of our marriage because for nine years we were very compatible. both of us wish that before things went past the point of no return in the last year, that we had gone right away to at least try couples counseling.

 

so my advice is if you truly wish to save your marriage, do not wait, get help as a couple right now and you might have a chance to save it.....

 

also, i can't help but wonder if something isn't going on emotionally with your wife that she isn't telling you....

 

i wish you the best of luck, truly......

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Have you two been to counseling together? There has to be a reason why she just got lazy, gained weight etc....have you talked to her about it? Just because YOU view the relationship the way you do - doesn't mean she sees it that way & might think she is putting in effort that you aren't recognizing...(doesn't sound that way - but who knows what she might feel)

 

I dont ever tell people to get a divorce if something can be fixed...maybe this CAN be fixed. If you both want it to be.

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How many of her negative behaviours have been there since you first met her and/or from when you first got married?

 

Very few... she used to be an energetic fun loving hard working person.

 

savignon - No I understand your point of view, nothing wrong with it. I am not declining a fault, I do have a few faults and I am sure those have caused issues too. I am not an angel in life- and I'd take half the blame if say it was 60/40 or hey even 70/30 I am not expecting my efforts to be matched 50/50 all hours of the day. But when its 95/5 then yes I do start to lose grip of things.

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Brad - how long has this been going on ...the 95/5? It has to have been awhile now since you talked to your boss and father about it already? And you seem like you are set in leaving instead of working it out.

 

Have you talked to your wife at all about these issues before talking to other people? There is an underlining issue here (with your wife emotionally, I think) that she isnt telling you...maybe because you haven't asked? No one just turns lazy and over weight for the fun of it.

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Brad - how long has this been going on ...the 95/5? It has to have been awhile now since you talked to your boss and father about it already? And you seem like you are set in leaving instead of working it out.

 

Have you talked to your wife at all about these issues before talking to other people? There is an underlining issue here (with your wife emotionally, I think) that she isnt telling you...maybe because you haven't asked? No one just turns lazy and over weight for the fun of it.

 

We've been "working" on our issues for 12 months. Last new years I told her we needed to begin looking at our issues and solving problems we saw with each other or there was no way I could continue. I was given a list, and so far she has had no complaints with me. I have brought up issues over the last year and she is aware of them and promises to fix them and the next day she wakes up almost as if I said nothing - and reverts back.

 

I am not bent or decided on breaking it off. I really am looking for more insight here and so far it is helping me clarify what the underlining issue is.

 

Looks like step 1 is professional help.

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Ahh ok sorry I just reread your post and it says you guys talked about it at length - oops!

 

Again I do think she's not telling you something and only a professional might be able to help. Do you think she would want to go to couples counseling?

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Do you still love her?

 

If not - do you think you would love her again if she were to change her habits?

 

This is the hard question. I don't think I do. If you asked me (and you did) right now if I love her and couldn't live without her my answer is no... and the reason is the resentment towards her attitude and effort in our "life together."

 

I think if she changed it would refuel the fire. I love her personality, her witts, her smarts... the fact that we have so much in common. And if the rest of our issues were put away I'd have no way to resist her (as it was when we first met)

 

This is just in my gut. I don't know if I could leave even if I wanted to.

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Braddd,

I think u guys married off too early ....how old is ur wife...May be she's too young to be responsible... May be explain to her that she's a married woman now and she has to take some responsibility at house. May be she doesnt know where to start and also since she's still studying her mentality would be similar to other students although she's married. May be you could explain to her clearly what each of your roles should be and that you expect her to keep the house while you work for both. Dont let her get you into any more debts. You could suggest her to take up part time jobs alongside studies so you can relax as well.

 

If she still doesnt understand, i would take few days off work but tell her that u r choosing to have a relaxed lifestyle like her...this would work...bcos she believes u will take care of everything and when u stop doing that...she might get her senses back...

 

I hope this helps...

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There are those in life who are independent (like you), and then there are the dependent blood sucking leeches (like her). You didn't mention her age, but I imagine she's young, and in that case she probably has a family to seek support from still. Maybe you should consider a separation. She needs to get her priorities in life straight. Sounds like she doesn't want to grow up - if that's the case, you should send her back to her Mommy's. Unless of course you don't mind supporting her for the rest of your life, and not getting the things you so desire in return. You're still young, you should determine what you want ASAP, so you don't wind up miserable down the road.

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I would really say step 1 is professional help. You've tried to work things out between the two of you and it didn't work. So try with a professional. If ultimately things aren't resolvable, well then you can start looking at a divorce. But at least you gave it your best try.

 

Try to keep an open mind. If things can be resolved, those feelings of love that you have lost just might come back

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Hi braddd-

 

I'd suggest you read my threads. I can't post the links here at this time because I do not have enough posts but take a look through my most recent history and then my previous ones.

 

In my case, having a variety of issues like your wife, my ex-gf did tell me the same things as yours. I don't know if they completely overlap but I know that reading your story I thought "Wow! This guy had it almost just like I did!"

 

My ex might have even tried off and on but when seeing how difficult it was to stay motivated and be 'independent', reverted back to old ways. She may have some psychological issues similar to my ex and may have to deal with them. That's her choice to do and not yours.

 

I continued to encourage my ex, fight, and argue (thought I did show anger as she did!) to do so but eventually she chose not to. So please be aware of that because you are putting time/effort/energy hoping this individual will get the message and in the end, they just may not. Then, you may be left like me - knowing its for the best but hurt, sad, and lonely that things are where they are. Oh - and add to that that we DO have a child together!

 

Best of luck,

 

Just_Tired

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  • 2 weeks later...

70 lbs in 3 years? that's quite a lot. have you talked to her about it? depression or some kind of illness? i would be pretty concerned if someone changed their appeareance so rapidly like that (either gained or lost!) i think it needs to be addressed.

 

i agree with counseling. good luck.

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  • 8 months later...

It has been 9 months. I gave it a lot more time and nothing has changed. In fact she graduated and can't or won't find a relevant job.

 

The company I work for is moving to Arizona and I am considering using that as a way to begin the split.

 

It's been a long 3 years. The first 6 months were awesome but it's been a downhill struggle since and I really don't see it improving. We've had "the talks" and this weekend we both had major meltdowns and let our true feelings out. The shocking thing is that I pointed out I do everything and pull all of the weight financially and she said I am selfish, mean/cruel and don't care about her.

 

After I heard those comments she is probably right, I will be from now on.

 

Just thought I would update everyone. We've given this a lengthly go and sometimes it has been good but nothing has changed.

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