wiley Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Hi im new here, its a great forum with lots of really useful advise from everyone! Well here's my story.... Me and my ex broke up about 4 weeks ago and she entered into a new relationship 2 weeks after we broke up. I told her I was happy for her etc and I wouldn't cause any trouble or get in the way of her happiness. Ever since we split shes said numerous times that she wants to stay friends as we have shared alot together throughout our year and a half together. We have maintained very low contact (mostly started by me) over the time we split, but the last few days she has become cold with me.... e.g. not replying to my texts or not even answering my calls... she's never done this since we broke up. I dont know why she is doing this? Is it because of the new guy?.... because she has changed her mind on staying friends?..... I just dont know why she is being cold with me ](*,) Any opinions/advice? Thanks :sad: Link to comment
george237 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Most likely she said I want to be friends to lessen the hurt on you or to make herself feel better. She probably assumed that you wouldn't want to be friends and if so you would only contact her speratically to catch up on things. I would stop calling her, she is with someone else and you need to move on. Keeping her in your life is only going to prolong your pain and suffering. Link to comment
Iceman26 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 In my experience the reason is most likely her new boyfriend found about the contact you guys keep together and wanted it to stop immediately. Link to comment
wiley Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 I first told her when we split that I dont think we can stay friends because seeing her would hurt so much, but as time went on a realised I want her in my life so I told her I want to stay friends... which she understood. She has said to me on a few occasions things such as "I hope you will always remember me" and "I'll love you forever".... And she is always asking if im seeing anyone or if i've "pulled" when i've been out. These things gave me mixed messages. I have spoken to her nearly every day since the split, but I think NC is for the best, but its just so damn hard to keep at it :sad: (only been 2 days with NC) Link to comment
george237 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Best thing to do is keep active that way she isn't on your mind. I give the same advice to people that fall in love with a person after the first date. If they stay home all they will think about is that person, which leads to contacting them. If they are out and about (exercising, friends, family, traveling) they are not on their minds and thereforee no contact. Link to comment
julioiglesia Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 I think women are always in a constant recon expedition when it comes to finding a mate. Even if you are together she will be thinking who is going to be the next boy like a back up plan and like parasites she will start secretrely with another boy during the last weeks of your relationsihp and then once you are done bam she'll be with the same boy she's been talking to. Link to comment
wiley Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 Women confuse me! Well thanks for the advice so far.... Just need to start NC now. I just hope that my few days of pleading and begging the few days after we split haven't poisoned all the memories we shared together. I've been round the flat to get a few things and saw her a few times too and we have spoke and asked how eachother was etc. But when i went round yesterday there was no "how are you?" She was just really cold and spoke to her housemate more than me... I guess she is dealing with things her way and like Iceman said, maybe shes being like it because her new BF told her not to contact me.. Link to comment
george237 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Women confuse me! Well thanks for the advice so far.... Just need to start NC now. I just hope that my few days of pleading and begging the few days after we split haven't poisoned all the memories we shared together. I've been round the flat to get a few things and saw her a few times too and we have spoke and asked how eachother was etc. But when i went round yesterday there was no "how are you?" She was just really cold and spoke to her housemate more than me... I guess she is dealing with things her way and like Iceman said, maybe shes being like it because her new BF told her not to contact me.. I think you need to think if you truley want to be friends with her. I know I couldn't do it if she was seeing someone else, it would drive me nuts. Nobody wants to be ducky. Link to comment
jettison Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Why do you want to stay "friends" with her? Further, why did you say that you are "happy for her" when you clearly aren't happy for her at all. Saying that to her likely made her lose a little bit of respect for you, and hence, allowed her to feel ok about not responding to you. Honesty breeds respect. If you can't be honest in whatever situation you are in then it can't work. This is why it's better to say things that turn people off, piss them off, put they off, then say things that are "nice and agreeable". With "nice and agreeable", the other person will always be wondering if there's something much darker hidden under the surface. And when you reaffirm this notion by saying things like "I'm happy for you" when you really aren't happy with them at all then they've got your number, and no matter how "nice" you are, you will be dead in the water. Link to comment
wiley Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 I'd like to stay friends with her because shes the most amazing person i've ever met. We got on so well. But I don't think I can....I said it at the time without much thought! It hurts real bad when I see her and her new BF together. And I suppose I said to her "Im happy for you" in hope that she thinks im not 'bothered', not holding onto hope of re-uniting us and begging and pleading to get her back. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 It's natural to want time and space away, completely away, from a person after you have broken up with them (or been told the relationship is being ended by the other person). It's simple but in the whirlwind of emotion during and after a break up, it's easy enough to lose sight of the simplicity of it. And don't be fooled - she's as awkward in this as you or anyone else. In fact, I'd dare to say she is not handling this very well. So you are both struggling really in doing this clean and as painlessly as possible. To me; it doesn't matter what comes out a persons mouth after the fact. Break up = we're done here. Time to bow out and leave. They tell you they want to be friends? In one ear and out the other at that point. It's still a break up. Worry about the rest later. Worry about whether a friendship can happen or not later. Does it really matter whether one of you or both of you want a friendship now? To my way of thinking, it doesn't. Now is now and right now is breaking apart time. It's painful, it's hard, and there are always times when you miss the person. That doesn't mean it is a good move to keep in contact or call them, 90 times out of 100 it is a bad move! If it helps at all: don't know if you've ever gone through a break up before and lived to tell the tale and love again or not....but ...there's a real good chance that in a couple of months, years, just time as it passes, no one is really going to remember the details of what happened accurately anyways...people tend to remember how it made them felt more than anything and fill in the blanks according to that. If you loved her well, she'll remember. Trust in that and let her do her thing - without your eyes or ears to see it. Link to comment
savignon Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 I have to look at it from her new bf's p.o.v.....if she's been in touch with her ex boyfriend on a daily basis, I'd have to ask, "why?" Perhaps they had that conversation and since you're 'just a friend', that takes a back-seat to a relationship. I have to agree wholeheartedly with the poster who said that by saying you were happy for her and wanted to remain friends, you set yourself up for being disrespected. She's the "most amazing person you've ever met?"....and she's treating you like this??? Doesn't sound very amazing to me. Link to comment
jettison Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 I have to look at it from her new bf's p.o.v.....if she's been in touch with her ex boyfriend on a daily basis, I'd have to ask, "why?" Perhaps they had that conversation and since you're 'just a friend', that takes a back-seat to a relationship. I have to agree wholeheartedly with the poster who said that by saying you were happy for her and wanted to remain friends, you set yourself up for being disrespected. She's the "most amazing person you've ever met?"....and she's treating you like this??? Doesn't sound very amazing to me. That's exactly it. If someone act's like an ass, and you don't call them on it just to be nice and stay on their good side, they're going to know it, and whether they like it or not, they will lose respect for you. Don't get angry, get mad, get dejected, and then act like there's nothing wrong. That's acting. No one gives a damn about that unless you're in Hollywood, they are filming you, and you're getting paid a whole lot of money for it. Link to comment
savignon Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 That's exactly it. If someone act's like an ass, and you don't call them on it just to be nice and stay on their good side, they're going to know it, and whether they like it or not, they will lose respect for you This is exactly what happens and all subconsciously. Think back to when you were in school and you had some teachers where you could write notes in class, chew gum, or get away with whatever...they had this kind of "can you please just like me?" vibe and you didn't respect them. For other teachers, they gave a "don't even think about it" vibe...and you didn't. YOU are the same person/same student but you respect one and not the other. Same goes for all people at work/with friends/with family. You know what you can get away with and it's allll just under the surface. It's not like you go to school and think, "hey I'm gonna be a jerk in so and so's class because he doesn't even care!"...it just happens. Link to comment
jettison Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 It's true. Sometimes, we find ourselves disrespecting people, and we don't even realize it until after the fact. You can ask yourself "Why don't I respect this person", and it won't be a conscious choice so you won't even know at first. But when it comes down to it, if you think someone is paying you undue respect then it will seem fake and lame. You won't respect them for it. I know that if I'm granted kudos that I don't deserve from anyone, be it partner, friend, co-worker, whatever, I usually lose a little respect for them. Not genuine = either lying to me on some level or else lying to yourself, neither of which I can bring myself to respect. Now if you give me kudos for something I rightfully deserve? Fair enough... fawn away. I won't think any less of you. Link to comment
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