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Will I ever have her for GOOD???


Wmast

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Who am I fooling...?? Is she's playing games or is there something I'm just not seeing?

 

I try to stay away from ENA because a lot of times I feel like telling my story can become redundant. But I need the guidance so here I am again.

 

I'll start off by saying I'm a fool who is in love with a girl who not only left me while we were in our marriage planning stages after 5 yrs of dating but who also obviously doesn't respect my feelings. She cited that she needed to "see what else was out there". She immediately started dating another guy. 3 months into it she came back saying she made a mistake and that she would leave the other guy... But she never left him. This push and pull scenario went on for four additional months until I told her all or nothing. She cried and said "all". The next day she left him.

 

It was official, they were finally done. His Myspace was changed to "single", she deleted hers as well as changed her cell number. Seemed like we were making some serious headway. We spoke about everything that happened... We cleared the air about everything. She told me she longed for my attention and I see how I neglected to give it to her as much as I could have; but to my defense I was focused on making money for our wedding/ marriage life. I told her that I now had trust issues that she would have to help me overcome with reassurance and time. She agreed and said she would.

 

So come Christmas time she invites me to take a trip out to Arizona to meet her extended family for the 1st time. I was excited, so was she... Everything was looking real bright, everything seemed to be falling into place. Her family was excited, my family was excited... Christmas with her family was great. I got to meet all her grandparents and cousins and aunts and uncles... It was great. The only issue was that the other guy got her new number (I'm guessing through mutual friends) and started calling her. I was aggravated but hearing her say, "leave me alone, it's over" to him made things a bit better.

 

Ok, so everything seemed good until Tuesday. I called her when she got out of work because we had plans to go to dinner and she seemed extra distant. I felt the coldness in her voice and I was really confused. Everything seemed to be going great and now I felt all the pain coming back with he coldness she exuded. She said, "I don't really know about tonight, I've been thinking about things and I feel lost". "Here we go again", I thought. I asked her to clarify but she said, "I just don't know" and left it at that. I've put myself through so much emotional hurt with this woman. One day everything seems great and the next it's not. This cycle has been going on for 8 months now. This is by far the closest I've been to getting her back but I still know that I don't have her 100%. I don't feel like I have her @ all!

 

I was speechless to it all. I told her, "well when you know what you want in life, you know where to find me but until then I don't want to hear from you". She said, "ok, trust me, I know that I want you, I just have to resolve some issues within myself". Now I understand we all have issues but I feel as if the relationship is RAN BY HER. We're on a break when SHE wants it and we're back together when SHE says so.

 

I feel so duped right now. Everything feels so out of balance. I love this girl to death, but idk how much more of this I can take. Now I question, who knows if her "unresolved issues" stem from her still having feelings for the other guy, not having feelings for me, or something else. She won't open up any further and I feel my insecurities/ trust issues are opening up again. The thing that pisses me off is that SHE'S the one who put us through this so SHE should be the one repairing us but I find it's always my wheels spinning thinking about how I can get us back to normal.

 

I really no longer know what to do. I haven't heard from her since Tue so NC is KILLING me. Before I was ok without talking to her but since we were back in communication on a several times a day basis, this cut off again really hurts. I'm obviously going to stay NC until she contacts me saying what I want to hear but I feel almost as if what I want to hear ISN'T enough. I've HEARD it hundreds of times before that I'm her "soulmate, the love of her life, etc..." But I always end up feeling the same way when the dust settles. Maybe I make it too easy on her. I made the transition super easy so she knows that she can come and go as she pleases. But then if I made it hard for her, she'd just say "you aren't loving, caring, affectionate enough"... I feel like I'm in a catch 22.

 

Sorry for the long post and the same stupid problems over and over. I know you guys get tired of it. My friends/ family that I confide in certainly are and so am I. It's the same thing over and over. She wants me, she gets me, then she doesn't want me. When I finally seem to be moving forward, she realizes it and wants me again. But then when she gets me she throws it away.

 

Any help would be appreciated!

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The relationship is run by her b/c you accept that and let her run it. You think she's so great even though she treats you this way, that you're flatered when she comes back for another round instead of thinking she's manipulative. Your family and friends are sick of this because it's BORING...the same thing over and over again. Once YOU think it's boring (not exciting, not "thank God I have another chance!", not "THIS time will be different)....BOOOOORING.....you'll have a change of heart.

Until then, no one can change your heart for you.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery!

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That's not true; you have a choice in the matter. Just because she snaps her fingers doesn’t mean you have to go running.

 

Just out of curiosity, how old is she?

 

Very true... for some reason it's my heart that keeps me running back when she snaps.

She's 22

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Sounds like a pretty classic Grass is Greener Syndrome case. Just stay away from her until she settles down, and make it clear you aren't going to wait for her. If you stick around, she's going to move on and probably not look back. She'll just keep coming back, feeding you the same lines, and checking out again. You don't have to put up with it. You're worth more than that.

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I don't think she truly believes that you're independent. It seems like YOUR world revolves around HERS and that's how she feels. She wants you to live for YOU and NOT for HER. If you can do that, she won't feel so responsible for your happiness and the PRESSURE won't be there.

 

You should understand that love is a bargain and truthfully, she owes you nothing. When you raise your price to HIGH, she no longer has to keep buying what you're selling. The key to it, is to raise your VALUE, without raising your price ans drop the ALL or NOTHING type attitude, because that's controlling.

 

Give her time. Give her space (if you're strong enough to do so). You can't force this and I think she feels you are and as long as that is the case, she'll want to keep fighting it. She doesn't want to feel trapped. She wants to feel FREE when with you. If you let her feel that way, she won't want to fly away.

 

Good Luck.

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The relationship is run by her b/c you accept that and let her run it. You think she's so great even though she treats you this way, that you're flatered when she comes back for another round instead of thinking she's manipulative. Your family and friends are sick of this because it's BORING...the same thing over and over again. Once YOU think it's boring (not exciting, not "thank God I have another chance!", not "THIS time will be different)....BOOOOORING.....you'll have a change of heart.

Until then, no one can change your heart for you.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery!

 

Thanks, I see what you mean... The decision will come from me once I accept the relationship is now toxic. But HOW do you let go of hope when the person TELLS you they want you. Unfortunately unlike other people hurting on these forums, my ex tells me everything that a dumpee wants to hear. I know it makes me look super weak but I just don't know what else to do. I can cut her out of my life but then she pursues HARD. When I do give in, she backs off. It's a stupid game

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at a first glance one might say, that she is not really into you, that she is playing with your feelings, and that she doesn't deserve your love.

 

but sometimes there is more to it than meets the eye (i have no idea if this is applicable for your situation or not, you have to find that one out for yourself).

 

human behavior is the most complex thing there is and science is only at the very beginning of grasping how the brain might work.

 

in some cases it is not simply a question of 'does she really love me or not?'. It is possible that she really loves you and wants to commit to you, but that she has some psychological issue that sabotages her behavior from time to time.

there could be a number of reasons for that: chemical imbalance, some disease, some unresolved trauma, some unprocessed emotional baggage - often this might be unidentified and the person him/herself might be unaware of it.

 

in the case of a chemical imbalance/ disease, it is quite possible for the affected person to be rational/mature for any amount of time, while all of a sudden they can experience an episode that totally changes their behavior. while maybe on some level the person is aware that their behavior deviates from their usual one, they feel totally out of control and feel helpless in stopping their destructive behavior.

 

the rarer these episodes are and the less extreme they are, the more difficult it is to identify them as an episode. it is also not something one usually talks about freely, since anything related to ones psychological state/ behavior is usually a tabu in society to admit to having a problem with due to the fear of being stigmatised.

 

 

so don't go off running to her now and telling her: i think you are sick - not the best way to get behind the reason of her behavior.

 

 

first of all you have to decide if this is a person who you really love and who you believe deserves your support (i mean in the marriage vows, doesn't it say 'in sickness and in health'?). are you willing to give her the benefit of the doubt that under normal circumstances she is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with and that her erratic behavior might 'solely' be due to some factor that she is not aware of yet? Are you willing to give her the support she might need to find out what the cause for this erratic behavior might be and are you patient enough to give her enough time to find a remedy (therapy and/or medication).

 

On the otherside her behavior might just reflect her true personality and she might not be the right person for you.

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Thanks for your response. The thing about it is I'm more independent now than ever. I KNOW that I don't need her in my life. She knows I don't need her in my life. I know it sounds like I'm super needy but that's not the case at all. There have been MANY girls who have come my way but I just refuse to give in because I know it wouldn't be fair to either them or myself. I feel like my heart belongs to this one girl. It's dumb thinking, I know, but I just can't help it. I mean it has been 8 months and my feelings are as strong as ever, eventhough I know that most likely things won't be the same. I'll give her the space she wants/needs but most likely the outcome will be the same. She'll come back in 2 weeks or so then leave again. Endless cycle.

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I think you may be onto something here and I appreciate you taking the time out to type all of that up. She has said over and over that she feels she has some mental issues and I do think that this is the case. I think back to times where we'd be watching tv and she'd be laying on my chest and all of a sudden she'd just start crying and say "please don't ever leave me"... I would have to calm her down and tell her I'm not going anywhere. Then I can recalls where outbursts of anger would seemingly come out of nowhere like she was possessed or something. Yes, these are very troubling and I tell her that no matter what I'm willing to help her through them; even pay for professional help. She always just thanks me and then she'll be back to normal. She never gets offended when I we have these talks, she just acknowledges that they are issues she has to work on. I know she's no psycho. She's incredibly smart (I went to highschool and college with her), she just has these emotional issues.

I love this girl to no end. I'm willing to stand by her through this stuff because I see the bigger picture but I don't know if she realizes the pain she's putting me through by keeping me on the edge. She always says, "I love you that much more for sticking by me through all of this", but it's hard to tell if this is REAL or if it's a "string along game"...

Maybe the next step is getting her some kind of true help. During our last conversation we talked about counseling and she brought up the issue of money. I told her that I would pay for it. She just thanked me but that was it. I won't call her to initiate this talk, but I think that counseling may be the best thing. Any suggestions with this line of thinking?

Thanks again for all of the help!

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Endless cycle

It'll end when you've had enough. You may just be one of those people who needs to really hit the proverbial 'rock bottom' before they really can see it for what it is.

 

My brother told me the same thing. I think I have hit rock bottom with her. I'm really TIRED of the back and forth. But then when I see signs that she may be coming around then I give in again. I'm actually beginning to think I may be dealing with a person with what may be a dual personality type thing. I'm no doctor nor am I trying to diagnose anything, but I find it hard to believe that someone would willingly put me and themselves through this cycle. I continue to ask myself, WHY does she do this? What does she get from it.

Thanks again for the advice. I'm not trying to dismiss what you're saying at all, it makes 100% sense. I just sometimes wonder if I'm dealing with something more here... Who knows anymore!

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I love this girl to no end. I'm willing to stand by her through this stuff

During our last conversation we talked about counseling and she brought up the issue of money. I told her that I would pay for it.

*you* are causing your own pain, my friend. People are trying to tell you this (even friends and family it seems). The "I'll just do anything for her no matter what she does to me" is too much. It doesn't come off as kind/generous/sweet....it comes off as desperate/foolish and lacking in self respect.

I hope things work out for you.

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I find it hard to believe that someone would willingly put me and themselves through this cycle Same thing your friends and family and most people here are thinking about you!!!

I think I have hit rock bottom with her Saying that you're willing to stand by her through this and even PAY for her therapy is *not* rock bottom.

Keep going

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If she herself feels there is something going on with her mental health status, I would take her word for it.

 

From what you say (sudden crying fits versus outbursts of anger, involvement in behavior risking you primary relationship) there is a possibility (please note this is based on very limited information that you provided, you need to speak to a professional to get a proper diagnosis) that she may be suffering from Bipolar Disorder.

 

I know this can be a very difficult diagnosis to accept (like any other Psychiatric diagnosis), but identifying the cause is the first step to getting help.

 

I also want to add that being smart is not a guarantee that someone might not have a psychological/ psychiatric condition.

 

Many psychiatric symptoms don't manifest in all aspects in your life, but just in a limited number of them. By that I mean, just because you can uphold a very demanding/ challenging job does not guarantee that one can handle emotional challenges (or the other way around).

 

I hope that discussions like these will slowly change the perception that if one has a psychiatric diagnosis that it is equal to a judgment of the personality of the individual in question.

 

Yes a psychiatric diagnosis may manifest itself in many aspects of their behavior, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they are "bad people" and that you should drop them like a hot potato.

 

The more we know about these Symptoms and their causes, the better we will be able to provide help and teach these individuals how to cope with the challenges and how to maintain healthy/ balanced life styles and relationships.

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I would make her aware of HER pattern, while taking responsibility for your own. You can insinuate that her pattern will keep her alone for the remainder of her adult life, while showing you care for her at the same time. Be sensitive to her. Let her know that this has NOTHING to do with you but all to do with her and that you want HER to be happy and THIS PATTERN OF HERS will not bring HER happiness in her life. This way you WILL get through to her GUARANTEED. It's working for me RIGHT NOW with my ex who has pulled the same thing with me and others over and over again.

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It doesn't come off as kind/generous/sweet....it comes off as desperate/foolish and lacking in self respect.

I hope things work out for you.

 

Very very very true. And that's not the case at all. I'm not desperate for her, I know I don't NEED her. I WANT her in my life; she's been such a big part of it (I've known her since we were 15), she's like a family member. But again, I know life goes on if she doesn't want to be in my life. I'm willing to help her thru her problems (I always have), I just don't want to be played. I want to be able to tell the difference between someone needing help and someone wanting to manipulate. If she wants to manipulate me, I have better things to do with my time.

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I would make her aware of HER pattern, while taking responsibility for your own. You can insinuate that her pattern will keep her alone for the remainder of her adult life, while showing you care for her at the same time. Be sensitive to her. Let her know that this has NOTHING to do with you but all to do with her and that you want HER to be happy and THIS PATTERN OF HERS will not bring HER happiness in her life. This way you WILL get through to her GUARANTEED. It's working for me RIGHT NOW with my ex who has pulled the same thing with me and others over and over again.

 

Makes sense. Will do! Thanks

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Wmast...

 

You need to demand answers from her. Do you want to sit here and not have her be honest with you? yeah, shes being honest about her feelings, but for what reason? Why is she not sure? To me, when you said she can get back to you, she responded the way she did to make sure you'll be there, and I definitely think she knows you will.

 

I know its quite rough when you've been with her so long, then after the breakup you meet her family, things are going well, and she does it again. But listen, maybe you want to seriously consider being "that guy that got away"..if you know what I mean...

 

I know its tough from you to hear this, because I don't know her as well as you, but I've followed your story, and read your previous threads. You can't let her keep doing this to you. You are letting her control this by not getting answers. Why do you even want to give a chance/glimmer of hope to a girl that keeps messing with you (unintentionally) and can't make up her mind? At first, I figured you should've given her another chance, and you did, and that she just had the marriage scare. But now that shes uncertain again, IDK. If this continues and you don't get any answers, I'm starting to feel you need to realize a bad investment and cut your losses

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To me that post about you coming off as not independent doesn't make any sense. People will come off differently when they come post their stories here. The fact that you told her you don't necessarily trust her and she has to build that up seems to me that you haven't come off as independent, and the fact is, we don't even have enough information to assume that, since we don't know as many details about how you guys have been since getting back together. So don't pay any attention to that

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To me that post about you coming off as not independent doesn't make any sense. People will come off differently when they come post their stories here. The fact that you told her you don't necessarily trust her and she has to build that up seems to me that you haven't come off as independent, and the fact is, we don't even have enough information to assume that, since we don't know as many details about how you guys have been since getting back together. So don't pay any attention to that

 

I take it you meant my post makes no sense. I was just referring to a pattern she seems to have. Demanding answers from her will not get him anywhere with someone with the tendencies she has displayed. As to why she keeps flip flopping may have nothing to do with him and it may have ALL to do with her and her pattern.

 

It's hard to determine the best course of action in his case, but all I meant by my posts were to sit down with her and make her aware of HER pattern and let her know not only how it affects HIM, but more importantly how it is and has affected HER life and if it continues she will always be alone. Let that sit with her for a while. This is an indirect approach which I feel will be the only way to maybe TRULY get through to her.

 

Then again, I may be completely wrong. Just offering my two cents based on HER actions and not so much HIS.

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Thanks again for your advice! The problem is I ask and ask and ask what she means when she says she's lost. All she replies is "I don't know" or "I wish I knew". Her answers are so unclear. Maybe she's hiding something, maybe she just really is unsure. But when will she own up to her feelings? It's been 8 months already.

It's funny you say I need to realize a bad investment and cut my losses as I'm an investment broker for a major firm in my area. I know all to well about cutting losses but I can't seem to apply the same fundamentals when it comes to her. I honestly think there is a dual personality thing going on in this case. The next time I talk to her, I plan on bringing up the information penelope13 provided and take it from there. I'm thinking if she addresses these issues, maybe I can get more information. If she refuses to go this route then I really need to move on because I see this as the only hope left.

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Right, its all you can do. You want answers, and she needs to provide them to you. If she resorts to responding to your questions with the same "I don't know", or "I wish I knew", I think you really need to think of responding with the following: "I wish you knew too. See ya X" And leave it at that. Boy oh boy will that make her insecure as hell, and have her asking you constantly the meaning of that, because you have turned the tables. She is no longer sure that you will be there, and will start to panic.

 

I also get the feeling that there may be something sketchy going on. And if it even remotely deals with this other guy, shes not worth your time, and should without a doubt be dropped.

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I also get the feeling that there may be something sketchy going on. And if it even remotely deals with this other guy, shes not worth your time, and should without a doubt be dropped.

 

I have the same feeling! Maybe being back together again gave her second thoughts and now she may be going back to the other guy/ talking to the other guy. This is pure speculation but WHO KNOWS! So many unknowns and she won't give the the pleasure of knowing what's going on.

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